Page 7

6

Kensington

I snuggle into the warmth.

That old familiar smell from when I was a kid invading my dreams, reminding me of a time when I was safe and happy and didn’t have the weight of the entire world sitting on my shoulders.

I savor it, knowing that when I open my eyes and wake from my sleep, it will be gone.

I’ll be facing another day and a financial burden that never seems to ease up.

And I only made nine hundred dollars last night, because…

My eyes fly open as the memory floods in.

The sweet dream turning sour, and that warm comfort turning into a chill of harsh reality when I remember everything that happened last night.

As the sleep clears from my vision, I find myself staring at a black dragon, breathing its fire all the way down my nerves.

I shift away from him, peeling myself out from his hold, and climb off the bed.

I wonder how I got here in the first place.

I fell asleep on the couch, and I’ve never been known to sleepwalk.

“I can see your panties are already in a twist, babe,” says the rough voice, all raspy from sleep and sexy as hell.

“You were clinging to me all night like a little monkey and now you’re hissing that venom again.”

The jerk has become seriously audacious.

I wasn’t even aware I was in his arms. Had I known, I would’ve kicked him in the balls.

“That’s because I was dreaming that I was wrapped around Phillip,” I lie, aiming to rile him up.

“Remember him?”

He lived down the street from us.

Phil used to have a crush on me.

But I had stupidly overlooked him for Sean.

Now, I know Phil would’ve been the better choice.

Safer. He grew up to be a dentist. A stable, sweet, and law-abiding citizen.

But I gave my heart to the one who pulverized it with the big fat tire of his motorcycle, and it’s still smashed in the center of the road of my past.

He sits up, no longer looking lax and rested.

His jaw is clamped so tight, it looks like he’s going to blow a gasket.

I look down, trying to hide my smile, knowing my comment pricked his jealousy, but that smile fades when I notice how the blanket has shifted off his lap, revealing the huge tent between his legs.

Instantly, my body warms in places it shouldn’t.

Remembering every thick inch and exactly what he could do with that thing.

We were young and inexperienced, but he was still the best lover I’ve ever had.

That’s because I was in love with him.

My emotions weren’t tied to any of the others, so sex was just sex, imbued only with a need to get over the one from my past.

“See something you want, babe?”

My eyes jerk up.

No. I will never want anything from this man again.

“Not a chance in hell, Razor.”

I turn and stalk into the bathroom, locking the door so he can’t intrude on my breakdown.

I hate that he still has an effect on me.

He doesn’t deserve it.

He doesn’t deserve an ounce of my desire.

He deserves my hate.

He deserves to be ignored just like he ignored me eight years ago when I walked into the clubhouse and caught him with the girls.

I finally emerge from the bathroom only to find myself wishing I were still locked inside that little room.

He’s changed into worn, stonewashed jeans and a white tee.

His arms on display.

The ink wrapped around every corded muscle, making him look like a bad boy.

And I’m stupidly attracted to bad boys even knowing how poisonous they are.

“You hungry?”

His voice is thick with amusement, looking smug over the fact that he just caught me checking him out again.

Doesn’t matter. Looks can be deceiving, and I’m already well aware of the asshole who lurks beneath the surface.

“Take me home, Razor.”

I don’t need this in my life right now.

I have more important things to worry about than boys.

Like not losing my house.

“Pancakes or omelets?”

God, he’s so stubborn.

“I’m not hungry. Now, take me home.”

“Not taking you back, babe, so you may as well eat.”

The hell he’s not.

This isn’t a joke. I’m done playing this game.

“They’re going to take my house, Sean. I can’t stay here. I have to go to work.”

“Told you last night, I’ll pay you double, so take a seat and I’ll make you blueberry pancakes.” My favorite .

“I don’t want your blood money, and I’m not a whore.”

“Never said you were a whore. Like I told you, you want to dance for a living, you can dance your sexy little ass off for me. Give me a nightly show.”

He’s not fucking getting it.

It’s not just about the money.

It’s about not wanting to go down this path with him again.

I’ve barely gotten myself patched up.

Finally, gotten to a place where I don’t think about him every day, and I don’t want to reopen that wound again.

Last night has already done enough damage.

“Take me back, or I’ll walk.”

“You won’t get past me.”

Is he serious?

He’s just going to keep me here?

“So, what? You’re seriously kidnapping me?”

“Not kidnapping. Keeping. I’m keeping you, Kens. And this time, I won’t fuck things up.”

Won’t fuck things up?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

It sounds an awful lot like he thinks we’re getting back together.

Hell would have to freeze over before I ever gave my heart’s fate to him again.

“There’s no way in hell I’d ever be with you again, Sean. Sorry, but you had your chance and fucked it up.” And I barely survived the pain .

“You should run back to your sweetbutts because it’s never happening.”

“It’s my biggest regret.” His voice comes out soft, filled with so much pain, and I flinch at the desperate sound.

I can’t do this again.

I don’t want to hear it.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve wished I could go back and do that night over, Kens. I never would’ve left you. I would have stayed at your house and held you all night long.”

No!

I need him to stop. There’s a crack forming in the hate, only made deeper when I see the regret glistening in his burden-heavy eyes.

“Please don’t. I don’t want to do this again.” I can’t.

At any point he could’ve come and knocked on my door, but he never showed up.

He went about his life, and I was left to pick myself off the ground and piece my heart back together.

And I did. It hasn’t been pretty.

It’s been miserable and hard, but I’ve made it through.

And like hell I’d let him ride into my life and destroy it again.

“I thought I was doing what was best for you, babe. I wanted you to go off and chase your dreams, but I broke. It got to where I couldn’t breathe, to where I could barely get out of bed, and I needed to see you. I came to beg you to take me back. But when I found you on campus and saw you with some guy, looking happy, I couldn’t fuck things up for you, so I left.”

I’m not sure what he saw or who he saw me with, but I was never happy.

Every smile was like lifting a heavy weight, my mind shaking under the strain of the heaviness.

And like lifting weights, I believed the muscle in my chest would grow stronger if I kept it up.

Kept lifting my cheeks, kept forcing myself to get out of bed and go to class.

The friends I made helped spot me through it, but there was never anyone who could replace the man I loved.

If I’d seen Sean, I would’ve crumbled.

I would’ve run back to him and begged to get back what we had.

But… there was one thing that was never going to change.

One thing time could never heal.

“You cheated, Sean. That’s the part I’m never going to understand.” That’s the part that still pains me.

“I was drunk, Kens, which before you say it, I know damn well isn’t an excuse. But my head was in a bad place. You and me had been fighting about the club, and I wasn’t thinking straight. When the girls moved in, I didn’t take the bait. I didn’t want to. But then the guys started ragging on me about it, teasing me about being a scared kid, and I felt the pressure. Like I had to prove that I was a man. Like I needed to prove I was as tough as them. It was a fucking cluster of bad fucking decisions. And if I could go back, I never would have made a single one of them.”

That’s exactly why I hated the club.

They were a bad influence.

But even still, he had a choice.

No one forced his hand at anything.

He chose to do it. In that moment, and the one that followed, he chose the club.

He could’ve held his ground and chosen me, but he chose those men.

He wanted the acceptance of them more than he wanted my love.

“You’re right. It was a cluster of bad decisions. And now we all have to live with them.” I live with the pain of those decisions every single day.

“I’m trying to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m telling you I wish I hadn’t fucked things up between us.”

I know he is.

I can see it in his eyes.

I know that he means every word.

But I’m trying to say I don’t want his apology.

I don’t want to forgive him, because then…

then I won’t be able to hate him.

And the hate is what gets me through.

The hate is what keeps me breathing.

“I appreciate you saying it, Sean. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you. Someone could’ve held a gun to my head, and I would have begged them to shoot me before I betrayed you. You had my love and my loyalty, and I always thought I had yours. But that night, you proved I didn’t. Some guys who you’d known for a couple of months started teasing you, and you chose to do the unimaginable. You needed their acceptance more than you needed me. That’s what truly hurts.” Fucking girls he couldn’t care less about is painful, but not as painful as knowing the guys’ opinion mattered more than mine.

“And you may be sorry for what happened with those girls, but what you should really be sorry about is joining the MC. They turned you into a bad man.”

“I’m the one who made the stupid decision and I’m owning that shit. I’m not going to apologize for joining the club. Those men are my family. They didn’t turn me bad. They gave me confidence and strength and have made me better in every way.”

It’s like a slap across the face.

A hefty hit, flat-palmed and excruciating.

I thought I was his family.

Me and his grandparents.

We were the ones who had been there for him.

We were the ones who had stood by him and did everything we could to bring him back to life, to care for him.

To give him strength.

But apparently, none of it mattered.

Crime and secrets are what sealed his bloodline.

Evil men in black leather are the ones who made him better.

Not me.

“Then you should take me home and get back to your family.”

“Like I said…” His voice is tight again.

“You aren’t going anywhere.”

I turn to stalk out the door, but he snakes his arm out, hooking me around the waist, keeping me locked in place.

His hard frame is too strong to fight against. And the hard length between his legs is making it a struggle to form words.

“Take a seat, Kensy.”

I don’t want to sit.

I want to leave. I want to get as far away from him as I possibly can.

But as I look toward the door, I know it’s a hopeless endeavor.

Without any shoes, I’m not going to be able to run.

I won’t be able to get away.

There’s only one option: wait until he’s distracted then I can steal his phone and call Kat.

Yet… His phone is tucked inside his pants pocket, making that a challenge.