Page 17

Liam

My eyes burn from the lack of sleep. Resisting the urge to yawn, I bend down to slightly adjust the spectrometer that’s a part of my experimental setup.

A steady hum fills the lab as glowing red lines cast a mesmerizing network over the optical table. Dr. Blanton, one of the most respected researchers in the faculty and my academic supervisor, stands close by, reviewing the data in my notebook.

“You’ve done an amazing job, Liam,” Dr. Blanton says with an approving nod. “Your experimental set-ups have produced some solid analysis.”

“Thank you,” I say quickly.

A sliver of relief floods me. I was not ready for this meeting today but Dr. Blanton was insistent on it for some reason.

My mind still feels scrambled from my confrontation with Hayden last night. I wanted to take the day off to brood over the end of my tragic love story and drown myself in brownies and chocolate ice cream but I had to be here.

Dr. Blanton’s lips quirk in amusement as he glances at me. “That’s exactly the kind of enthusiasm we need in our research team.”

I blink, wondering if I heard him correctly.

Before I can second-guess myself, Dr. Blanton continues. “I think you’d fit in quite well with my team. You have a strong grasp of fundamentals and you’re willing to go the extra mile to set up experiments that deviate from the usual textbook ones. If you’re considering pursuing a PhD, I’d be happy to recommend you for a full-time position. With a full scholarship, of course.”

My heart races at those words. I’d always wanted to build a future where research, exciting discoveries, and teaching would become a part of my life. It’d bring me so much closer to my childhood dream of becoming a genius scientist like the protagonists of the comics I loved reading so much.

A doctoral degree would open doors for me, ensuring me a career in research. Dr. Blanton is highly respected in his field and a chance to have him as my PhD supervisor would be the cherry on top of my cake.

“I’d love that, Sir,” I admit, trying to suppress my excitement. “I definitely want to pursue a PhD to keep up with my research goals.”

Dr. Blanton smiles. “Then keep this up. Professor Patel has also noticed your work and was impressed by your recent paper.”

My excitement soars. Professor Patel is the head of the Physics department at Knightswood U and a renowned Physicist with several awards under his belt.

All the long evenings in the lab, all the nights I spent looking up research papers in the library, pushing myself to do better...they were worth it. Hell, I even left my hometown to come to Knightswood.

For the first time in a long while, I feel like I’m getting somewhere, and that coming to Knightswood wasn’t the biggest mistake I made in my life. If I wasn’t so heartbroken about ending things with Hayden, I’d be grinning from ear-to-ear right now.

“You can meet Professor Patel at the hockey game this weekend,” he says, giving me a light pat on my back. “It’s a great opportunity to meet him in a more relaxed setting. You can have a casual chat with him and talk about what you hope to accomplish with your research.”

My stomach churns at the mention of hockey.

Dr. Blanton senses my hesitation and chuckles. “Professor Patel never misses a game. And neither do I. You’re new at Knightswood, so I guess you don’t know this yet but we’re all fanatics when it comes to hockey. Even us nerds from the Physics department rarely miss a game.”

I force a chuckle but it sounds hollow.

“You should join us,” Dr. Blanton says with an encouraging grin. “A hockey game is almost a ritual in this town and you should experience it first-hand.”

I swallow a painful lump in my throat. Just thinking about Hayden makes my heart ache.

“So, we’ll see you this Friday?” he asks, looking at me expectantly.

Biting my lip, I nod. “Yeah, sure. I’ll be there.”

“Great! I’ll send you a front-row ticket and you can enjoy the game with us.” With that, he puts down the notebook and walks out of the lab.

A heavy sigh exhales out of me. Now that I’m all by myself, I can finally allow myself to feel the gnawing hollowness in my chest.

Sinking into a chair, I lightly touch my lips. They’re still swollen from Hayden’s aggressive kissing.

Even now, they tingle, reminding me of Hayden’s hot lips as they crashed against mine in desperation. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to forget what it’d felt like to be kissed with such burning passion. But I just can’t.

Heat blooms in my cheeks. My cock starts throbbing at the same tempo as my heart. I spent the whole night trying to forget him but it’s like I can still feel him.

The confrontation with Hayden felt like the biggest test of my life.

I did my best to resist him, fought him with every shred of my strength but it’d all been for nothing. Hayden easily overpowered me, stealing kiss after kiss.

No wonder the whole town is his fan. If Hayden plays like he kisses, no opponent stands a chance to win against him.

When he went down on me, I forgot the reason why I was fighting him in the first place. He swallowed me in deep, sucking and tasting me like I was a prey he wanted to savor before devouring it fully.

I was so powerless against Hayden at that moment, that I couldn’t help but imagine what it’d be like to have him as a lover. My limited experience with other men stood no chance against Hayden’s burning passion. His lapping tongue and tight, hot throat obliterated every other thought as he seared himself into my memory.

Will I ever be able to get over him? I wonder, feeling my heart squeeze painfully.

No one’s ever touched me the way Hayden did. No one’s ever pursued me like he did.

If only things were different...

“They’ll never be different,” I tell myself as a painful lump chokes my throat. The urge to cry is so strong, that I have to clutch my hair and bite my lip hard.

Rejecting Hayden was the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. The hurt look in his eyes still haunts me. I know he cares about me and telling him to leave me felt like I was ripping a piece of my own heart.

I didn’t have a choice, though.

It’d taken a mammoth amount of soul-searching and agonizing to come to a point where I could open up to my grams and my closest friends. I can’t go back to feeling like I’m some kind of a dirty freak for liking men.

Hayden isn’t ready to come out yet and I’m not willing to live my life in the shadows.

Over the years, I’ve seen way too many athletes in professional leagues keeping their personal lives under lock and key, afraid to come out due to the fear of being judged. Only a few have dared to stray from the beaten path and encouraged other queer kids to pursue their passions.

Hayden is deeply passionate about hockey. He’s aiming to play in the NHL over the coming years.

Even if I’d accepted Hayden for now, the future wouldn’t look any different for us. He’d still hide me from the world, touching me and kissing me in the dark shadows of our bedroom. He’d always be scared of someone finding out about our relationship and in the end, he’ll choose to walk away from me on his own.

It’s better to break my heart now. At least, this way, I wouldn’t spend years of my life wishing and hoping Hayden would change.

I refuse to do this myself.

A sob escapes me as my heart clenches. It’s so damn painful to tell myself Hayden isn’t mine, that we don’t belong together.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. Letting out a shaky breath, I reach for it and take a look at the notification.

It’s a text from a fellow master’s student, telling me that our next class has been canceled. Wiping my bleary eyes, I get to my feet.

If there’s no class, I can use the next hour to work on some of my upcoming assignments. There’s no point in feeling sorry for myself. Nothing’s going to change for me and Hayden.

I have to do what I came here to do , I tell myself, dismantling the setup on the optical table. I just wish I didn’t have to see Hayden again because even though I’ve accepted our reality, my heart has yet to catch up.