Page 15

Liam

Loud voices fill the lounge as a group of freshmen students gather in a corner to discuss one of their upcoming assignments. I sit hunched over my laptop in a corner, scrolling through research papers, trying to focus on the words on the screen.

I’m sure Hayden isn’t a part of that group of Physics undergrads but I still can’t help looking. A sliver of disappointment flickers through me, confusing me.

Why should I feel disappointed? It’s not like anything would be different if Hayden were to magically appear before me.

I’m done with Hayden , I tell myself for the hundredth time today. Stop thinking about him already!

Over the past week, I buried myself in my work in a bid to keep my mind off Hayden. It doesn’t help that despite canceling our tutoring sessions, he still keeps texting me.

Each time I read them, my heart skips a beat.

It’d be so damn easy to give in to Hayden and let him into my life again.

It’ll make both of us happy but I know our relationship won’t last long.

As soon as one of Hayden’s teammates walks in on us, I’ll be tossed aside like a piece of trash. He’d never acknowledge our relationship in front of them. I’d have to live in the shadow like a dirty secret for the rest of my life.

I know firsthand how hard it can be to come out as a gay man, especially in a sport like ice hockey. I don’t want to push Hayden into something he’s still not comfortable with but I can’t live my life feeling unseen and hidden.

I need to stay strong and just ignore Hayden until he gets bored of chasing me.

Releasing a heavy sigh, I look toward the paper on my laptop screen. Next, I glance at the notebook, filled with formulas and calculations.

What exactly was I looking for? I wonder, my frustration peaking as I aimlessly sift through the pages of my notebook.

I’m trying so hard to focus on my research but my mind is refusing to cooperate. It’s not just my heart that’s been taken over by Hayden. He’s even hijacking my brain!

I need to be strong. I need to stay away from him. It’s the only way I can survive , I remind myself.

Taking a deep breath, I force my attention on the lines of complicated equations in my notebook.

A couple of hours later, I stare at my notebook and see the pitiful progress I’ve made on my research. Accepting defeat, I pack up my laptop and decide to get some lunch.

Walking out of the building, I inhale the fresh, cool breeze. It’s another beautiful day on the gorgeous campus of Knightswood U. Shades of yellow and orange creep into the lush foliage surrounding the grounds, signaling the onset of fall.

Groups of students lounge on the grounds, soaking up the last of the warm afternoons. Walking past them, I make my way toward the cafeteria.

Just as I get closer, my feet come to a halt.

Hayden stands near the quad with a few of his teammates, arms crossed over his chest, his varsity jacket open just enough to show the fitted black T-shirt beneath. A brooding expression spreads on his face, making him look even more intimidating than usual.

My heart pounds against my chest, sending a rush of heat through me as I take in his powerful build and chiseled jawline. I should look away, keep walking away from him but I just can’t seem to make my hormone-soaked brain work.

My traitorous eyes stay on Hayden, drinking in every little movement, every flex of his fingers as he ruffles his hair, every flicker of annoyance as a couple of pretty girls approach him.

They were the kind of girls Hayden could easily have.

They’re blonde and dressed in miniskirts and high heels. They keep smiling at him despite the scary brooding scowl on his face. They flirt with his friends shamelessly but tease him at the same time by touching his arm and flicking their hair in his face.

Hayden’s expression grows frigid. He raises his brow, his lips pressing into a hard line. He shifts away from their touch as if he’s both disgusted and bored by them.

A burning sensation spreads in my chest. I want to stomp over to those girls and tell them to leave Hayden alone. He’s clearly not interested in any of them because he’s still hung up on me.

Shit! I shouldn’t even think of Hayden as mine.

A tight, suffocating feeling grows in my chest. I’ve stayed away from him, ignored all his messages, and even walked away from him when he came to talk to me last week.

It was one of the hardest things I ever did and yet, I’m still hung up on him.

Why can’t I walk away from him? Why am I still so affected by a guy who treats me like trash in front of his friends?

I need to accept the fact that Hayden isn’t mine. Even though he’s not interested in those girls, it doesn’t mean he wants me either. Not in the way I need him to.

Hayden’s dark eyes scan the people around him with that signature mix of arrogance and disinterest. Suddenly, he turns his head, right in my direction.

My stomach flips.

I tear my gaze away from him, too fast, too obvious.

My pulse thunders in my ears as I force my feet to keep moving, keep walking like I hadn’t just been staring at him like an idiot, wondering if he was doing okay.

My jaw clenches as self-hatred washes over me.

I hate feeling this way. Hayden keeps reminding me how it’s always going to be so damn hard to find someone who’ll proudly stand by my side and face the world with me.

I just need to stay away from Hayden , I tell myself, entering the crowded cafeteria. It’s the only way I can stay strong and give myself a chance to forget about him.