Page 12

Liam

With all the determination I can muster, I walk away from Hayden.

A painful sob chokes me, making me clench my jaw so hard it aches. My chest feels too tight and my eyes burn with unshed tears. But no matter how much it hurts, I refuse to turn around and look at him.

Because if I did, if I so much as glance over my shoulder, I’d see Hayden standing by our table and making excuses to his precious teammate.

Hayden is treating me like a mistake. He wants to hide me from the rest of the world so he can continue feeling guilty and ashamed of himself.

The lump in my throat becomes even more painful.

I walk into the kitchen and walk past shouting cooks, flaming stovetops, and confused servers. Because of the way Hayden reacted, I can’t even walk out of the restaurant through the entryway.

Hayden’s panicked face flashes before my eyes. His sheer, knee-jerk terror at being caught on a date with me feels like a stab to the heart.

I still can’t believe he threw a glass of coke at me, just to get me to leave.

Finding the exit door, I walk out of the chaotic kitchen and into the back alley. Tears stream down my face as I finally allow myself to feel the hurt. Breathless gasps escape me as sobs wrack through me, showing me just how much I’d let Hayden get to me.

I knew it was risky to get involved with someone like Hayden.

Even though I’m a student myself, it’s highly unprofessional behavior to date someone you’re tutoring. If I got caught by the faculty, I’d probably be fired. It might even jeopardize my future in the Physics department as well, costing me my academic career.

Not to mention Hayden is a popular hockey player. He’s practically royalty at Knightswood U’s campus. Both at the university and the diner I worked at, people were always willing to bend backward to let him have his way.

I guess I’m not too different from them.

I let Hayden charm me into getting into a relationship with him.

Or maybe I’m just overthinking this whole situation.

Hayden probably just wanted to have fun with me. He didn’t care about getting into a relationship with me in the first place. That’s the reason he could throw his drink at me and expect me to leave him.

Tears continue to stream down my face as my heart squeezes.

I was so damn stupid to let myself hope.

Hope that for one night, just one damn night, I could pretend to have a relationship with Hayden.

The evening started so well that I actually started believing it. Hayden asked me question after question about my family and my interest in Physics. He was even laughing at all the funny incidents I narrated about my professors at the Physics department back home.

Something happened to me when I saw him laughing tonight. His face brightened up like the sun when he allowed himself to relax and be himself.

But the moment reality stepped in, Hayden shut down.

His terror-stricken expression rises in my mind, bringing back the moment he laid his eyes on his teammate. Squeezing my eyes shut, I brush away the tears on my face.

I can’t stay here anymore. I have to get out of here before someone comes out through the restaurant’s back door and finds me sobbing my eyes out. Pushing away from the wall, I force myself to get out of the stinking back alley.

A shuddering breath escapes me as I walk out onto a quieter street.

Taking my phone out, I look for an Uber cab to take me home. Thankfully, I find one that’s available within five minutes, relieving some of my stress.

A cold breeze blows by as I wait for the cab to arrive.

Maybe it was a good thing that Hayden’s teammate showed up at the restaurant tonight. At least, I got to see Hayden’s true character before I fell even deeper into my delusions.

It hurts now but it’d have hurt a lot more if I’d stayed in my one-sided relationship with Hayden.

The sound of a car coming toward me breaks me out of my thoughts. Checking the license plate, I’m relieved to find it’s the same cab I booked.

The car stops beside me and I eagerly get in and give the driver my address.

We drive past the restaurant and I can’t help but stare at the light spilling out from the clean glass windows. Hayden is probably still inside, laughing and talking with his friend.

I turn away and settle into my seat.

Swallowing a choke, I try to control my emotions in front of the driver. I can sob over my sad life after I’m inside my apartment.

Closing my eyes, I silently sing a tune in my head. A part of me wishes I was going back to the beach house instead of my tiny apartment in Knightswood.

Gram’s beautiful, aged face flits through my mind, lessening some of the pain throbbing in my chest. She’s the only person in the world who accepts me for who I am.

Gram’s blue eyes, so similar to mine, are always twinkling, holding the warmth of a thousand hugs. She’d watched over me as I grew up without a mom or a dad in sight.

My mind goes to the moment I’d first come out to her.

I remember the way my hands shook as I sat at the kitchen table, the words stuck in my throat. If Grams didn’t accept my abnormality , if she didn’t allow it, I didn’t know what I’d do with myself or where I’d go.

Grams was all I ever had.

She’d been washing dishes after dinner, softly humming to herself.

“Uhh, Grams,” I forced the words out, my heart hammering in my chest.

She turned around, drying her hands on her apron, her warm eyes settling on me. “Yes, sweetheart?”

I still fought with myself, hesitating whether to shatter the world we’d both created for ourselves.

But I was also tired of pretending all the time. I couldn’t keep going any longer without breaking down.

So, I’d swallowed my fears and blurted the words. “I’m gay.”

My declaration hung in the air, suspended for an eternity.

Grams just sighed and walked over to me. Leaning down, she wrapped her arms around me and whispered, “Oh, sweetheart. I know.”

When she stepped away, she was smiling, her eyes kind and warm.

“I’m glad you can accept the truth, honey.”

“Wait—what? You knew?”

Grams smiled, going back to the counter to dry the dishes with a towel, like I hadn’t just shared the most life-shattering secret with her.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked her.

She shrugged. “I was waiting for you to tell me.”

And just like that, she’d taken the weight of the world off my chest.

All the fear, anxiety, and months of sleepless nights wondering if I’d ever be able to say the truth… it all vanished in that moment.

A tear slides down my face as I open my eyes. I miss Grams so much at this moment.

The car comes to an abrupt halt. Looking ahead, I see that we’ve stopped outside my apartment building.

“One second,” I mutter, digging into my trouser pocket to bring out my wallet. I count the money and hand it to the driver before climbing out of the car.

I glance down at my watch, wondering what time it is in Vietnam right now. Grams is in Ho Chi Minh City at the moment, traveling with her group of close friends.

I don’t care about the time. I need her , I decide, making my way inside the dilapidated building. As hope flickers in my chest, I make my way inside the darkened hallway. Thuds of loud music reach my ear as I head up the staircase leading to the second floor.

Relief floods me when I unlock my apartment’s door and head inside. The place is dark except for the glow from the streetlights outside. I head into the bedroom nook and sit down on the edge of my bed.

I wish I wasn’t feeling so wrecked.

It’s not like Hayden had promised me anything. It’s not like we were together. Those kisses and that handjob in the closed library room...they meant nothing.

Still, seeing Hayden panic, seeing the way he wanted to get rid of me had hurt me. Even if I didn’t want to admit this, I’d always feared falling for someone who didn’t care for me.

My chest aches. Another sob builds in my throat, choking me.

I don’t want to trouble Grams but I need to talk to her.

Looking down at my phone, I finally hit the call button.

“Liam?” Gram’s voice is warm but also surprised. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”

No , I want to say. Not even a little. “Yeah,” I say aloud. “I just needed to talk to you.”

There’s a pause and the click of a door. “Tell me, sweetheart,” she says gently.

I swallow, my fingers tightening around the phone. “I just…” I hesitate, hating the way my voice cracks. “I feel like… I’m always waiting for something that’s never going to happen.”

Grams is quiet for a moment. “You mean love?”

“Yeah.” A defeated sigh escapes me. “I know I’m still young and I shouldn’t be impatient,” I say, staring up at the dark ceiling. “But sometimes it feels like it’ll never happen to me. Like no one will ever like me enough to fight for me or go out of their way to make me a part of their life.”

Hayden’s face flashes in my mind, making me choke up.

A soft sigh sounds from the phone. “Oh, honey.” There’s so much love in her words that my chest aches. “I know it’s hard,” she tells me. “I know it feels like you’re always giving and no one is giving back. But love, real love, isn’t something you should have to beg for.”

“Exactly, I don’t want to beg someone to love me,” I say in a tight, choked voice.

“You deserve someone who’s proud to love you, sweetheart,” she continues. “Someone who isn’t afraid to stand beside you, no matter what. And that person?” She pauses. “That person is worth the wait.”

I close my eyes, wishing with all my might for her words to come true.

“What if I never find someone like that?” I ask quietly.

“You will.” Gram’s voice is soft but determined.

My breath comes out in a rush. This is what I wanted. Grams telling me that it’s all going to be okay.

“Thanks, Grams,” I say.

“You should head to bed,” she says. “A good night’s sleep will make you feel so much better in the morning.”

I nod, a ghost of a smile coming on my lips. “Thanks, Grams. I hope you’re enjoying Vietnam.”

“Oh, it’s been wonderful,” she says. “The food is delicious but I still managed to lose four pounds. Can you believe that?”

A chuckle escapes me at the glee in her voice. “That’s great, Grams. I guess I’ll talk to you another time.”

“Well, you take care, sweetheart.”

“You too, Grams.” With that, I switch off the call and fall back on the bed.

I should stop blaming Hayden. I’m the one who got ahead of myself and let myself dream of something that’ll never come true with a guy who’s still in the closet and is afraid to face the truth.

This is why I should’ve kept things simple and not let myself cross all the lines. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to believe Hayden could be the one for me. Because at the end of the day, I always end up being alone.

I guess I’m not even angry anymore. Why should I be when Hayden didn’t technically make a mistake? He neither put a name to our relationship nor did he promise me anything.

I’m the one who made the mistake of trusting him with my heart.

Right now, I just feel defeated and disappointed with myself. And somehow, this feels so much worse.