Page 20

My big job is completely uneventful.

Boring even.

I find a hiking trail that runs parallel to the road, so I take it to avoid encountering other travelers or locals. The route takes me through the woods near the town, and when I’m close enough, I park the vehicle and walk until the trees thin.

Because I’m higher up the hill than the settlement, I have a good view with my binoculars.

It looks like it was a small township in the old world—a handful of houses with a laundromat, gas station, and Family Dollar—and now maybe a hundred people are living there.

They’ve got a community garden. Guards posted on the perimeter.

They don’t seem to have a lot of supplies or provisions, but they’re making it.

There are worse ways to exist in the world post-Impact .

They’re definitely no threat to us or anyone in the area.

It took a little longer than an hour to get here because I took the trail instead of the road, so as soon as I get the information Logan wants, I return to the ATV and head back.

I’m pleased with myself and annoyed that Deck’s stubbornness has cast a shadow on what should have been a success for me as I turn off the trail and get back on the road we’ve been following.

Waiting there is Deck, standing to one side with his rifle at the ready and the same scowl on this face.

“For fuck’s sake!” I blurt out, coming to an abrupt stop in front of him. “What are you doing here?”

Logan said wait here.

I roll my eyes and shake my head. Logan probably said he was allowed to wait there but couldn’t follow me all the way like he wanted. “You’re being ridiculous. As you can see, I was perfectly fine. And I don’t appreciate you treating me like a child.”

I’m not. He’s as upset as I am. I can see it in the rush of his hand gesture. He usually tries to sign carefully so he can express himself clearly, but he’s not now. You no go alone. Danger. Danger!

“I’m not about to do anything dangerous on my own.

I’m smart enough to know the difference.

And you can’t go around bossing me and trying to stop me from doing anything you decide might put me in danger.

Like I said before, Logan trusts me to take care of myself like I did for months before I ran into you all. Why can’t you trust me too?”

He doesn’t answer me. Just stares at me darkly, breathing heavily.

“I know it’s not exactly the same,” I add in a softer tone, my chest aching despite my anger because Deck looks so incredibly unhappy.

I’m not used to seeing him like this anymore.

I hate it. “Logan doesn’t care about me the way you do.

I get that. I know you don’t want me to get hurt.

But you don’t seem to understand that I care about you too but I’m still capable of trusting you even when you’re in danger. You need to do the same with me.”

He hears me. I know he does. Something flickers on his face. I wait, holding my breath, hoping desperately that he’ll understand, that he’ll relent, that we can work this out.

Then he scowls again. No .

I groan and sit back down on the ATV. “I don’t know what to tell you, Deck, except we agreed we weren’t going to let this thing between us get messy. And this feels messy to me. It’s not going to work like this. It can’t.”

He stands like a statue, his shoulders rising and falling as he breathes raggedly through his nose.

He’s clearly got nothing else to say, so I drive around him again.

I reach the storage units well before dinner, and Logan is pleased with the information I give him and the speed and efficiency with which I completed the job. But I can’t be happy about my contribution because I’m so upset about Deck.

He followed me back on foot, still as displeased with me as I am with him. We give each other a wide berth throughout the evening, and it’s clear every single person around us—including Logan, including Trisha—knows we’re in a fight.

I hate having our personal issues exposed like that, but there’s no avoiding it in a group this tight.

I hang out with Burgundy and Micah as we eat, but it’s hard to focus on anything when every time I glance over at Deck, he’s gazing at me despondently.

But if he wants to make up, he can come over here and let me know. I’m not going to ignore behavior that isn’t fair to me just because I want us to get along.

After the meal, Deck disappears. I don’t know where he’s gone, and I resist the urge to look. Instead, I try to relax as I play a card game with Micah, Burgundy, and Leslie, an older woman I don’t know very well but whom I’ve always liked.

I make it until bedtime without breaking down and searching for Deck. I’m right in this. He’s not. And if we can’t figure out a way to deal with the problem, then we’re not going to be able to stay in this relationship.

It’s a terrible thought, but I keep coming to the same conclusion.

I was so happy this morning.

I’m heavy and exhausted and aching internally as I go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. When I return to where I put my pack and sleeping bag in one of the central storage units, there’s something else on top of my stuff that wasn’t there before.

It’s a flower. A pretty, dark pink one. I’m not any sort of expert on flowers, but it looks like a kind that grows on vines or bushes. Not a rose or a field flower. It’s deeply colored and lush and beautiful even though a few of the outside petals are limp.

I pick it up carefully, noticing a scrap of paper beneath it.

On the page is scrawled, I’m sorry. I’ll do better.

My heart is pounding in my chest and my throat and my ears. My fingers shake slightly around the stem of the flower.

“Oh, how pretty,” Burgundy says, coming up behind me.

“How did Deck manage to find that flower? Nothing much has been blooming this year at all.” She pauses, and when I do nothing but stare down at the flower in my hand, she adds, “He feels really bad and he thinks he blew it, so he’s trying to give you some space.

But he’s in the very last storage unit if you want to find him. ”

I’m still kind of shaky as I lean over to pick up the note and slide it into an inner pocket of my bag. Then I pick up my pack and sleeping bag and look around blindly.

Burgundy giggles and points to the right. “That way.”

I give her a quick smile as I turn around. I walk a few steps before I can’t wait any longer.

I start to run .

I pass several open storage units with various folks scattered throughout them. When I reach the very last one, I find Deck by himself, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall.

He looks defeated. And all alone.

With a small sob, I drop my stuff and launch myself at him, and he sees me in time to brace himself against the impact. He lets out a hoarse huff as he catches me and pulls me onto his lap, wrapping his big arms around me.

We hug for a long time, me shaking and whimpering against his shoulder and Deck clutching me and breathing in loud rasps.

When I’m finally able to straighten up, he won’t let me pull off his lap. So I stay there. It’s a pretty good place to be.

He returns my smile and signs, I’m sorry .

“I know. I’m sorry if I was mean or not as understanding as I should have been. I just…”

I know. You were right. He taps his chest. I was wrong.

I’m so relieved and filled with feeling that I have to swallow down another sob.

“Thank you. I do understand it’s scary. When you care about someone.

To see them at risk. But that’s what we have to do—living in this world.

So if you do your best to trust me, then I’ll stay out of danger as much as is reasonable.

I promise I’ll be careful.” I pause and wipe one of my eyes quickly. “Deal?”

He nods, still looking worried and stretched. Yes. I’ll try. Don’t break me. Please.

I’m sure he means don’t break up with him, but there’s something so poignant about the actual words he signed that I hug him again.

He hugs me back, and it really feels like we understand each other.

Because this much I know. If things get too messy and complicated between us and we’re forced to end our relationship, it will probably break me too.