Page 19

Two mornings later, we pile into the already-packed vehicles and take off down the road.

It’s not as bad as I’ve been dreading.

I like watching the landscape change as we drive west. I like stopping at any abandoned buildings we encounter to search for supplies like buried treasures. I like feeling one of the group, a contributing member. Part of something bigger than just me.

But I miss the little bunk room I shared with Deck. I miss the hours of rest and the chance for privacy.

And I miss having sex.

On the third morning after we leave the big house, I wake up beside a large tree with Deck on my other side, so close that his shoulder is pressing against my back.

He had guard duty last night, so I went to sleep on my own in the sleeping bag we scavenged from the old drugstore. He must have come to lie beside me in the middle of the night because he’s here now, blinking at me groggily when I roll over.

It’s around dawn—light enough to see without a flashlight or lantern but just barely.

I smile at the sight of his big, shaggy head.

He smiles back, pulling me toward him so he can give me a soft kiss.

Smiling against his lips, I murmur, “Good morning. Did you get enough sleep?”

He shrugs, drawing me even closer to him. He smells like dirt and effort, but the whole world smells that way now. It’s not as unpleasant as I would have assumed three years ago. People adapt. Change. In all kinds of ways.

I’m quite sure Deck is planning to kiss me again, even deeper this time, but one of the guys camped out nearby laughs with a mildly raunchy comment about morning wood.

That’s enough to dampen all romantic inclinations. I roll my eyes and pull away while Deck gives the guy a rude gesture.

Deck was simply being sweet. He wasn’t initiating sex. But it’s still a reminder that we might not be able to have sex again for a while. Even if outdoor sex was easy and comfortable, it’s certainly not very doable with a large group of other people present all the time.

One of the more inconvenient features of traveling like this.

Maybe soon we’ll come across an intact building with enough rooms to give us privacy again .

Logan’s voice across our campsite, telling someone that we’re going to try fishing in the nearby river before we leave this morning, is our sign that it’s time to get up and start the morning.

Kissing will have to wait for a more opportune time.

I don’t know how to fish and I don’t have the required equipment, so I can’t help with the fishing.

I take inventory of our stock of food in the second Jeep instead.

One or another of us does it every morning so we can keep track of what’s available as we eat our daily rations and scavenge extra provisions. It’s not a popular job because it takes intentional focus, but I’ve never minded it. I like keeping things organized and checking items off a list.

This morning I count and recount each can and package three times because some of the numbers seem lower than they should be.

Afterwards, I’m looking around for Logan to mention the count is slightly low when I see Trisha appearing out of the woods to the east. She must have gone farther than usual to go to the bathroom since there’s no other reason for her to be on her own in that direction.

Shrugging off the trivial aberration, I continue my search for Logan, finding him with a fishing rod on the riverbank. He nods in silent reflection as I mention the food count and, after a minute, asks me to keep an eye on it.

My duties accomplished, I walk back toward the camp to find something useful to do until the others are done fishing. I haven’t cleared the trees when I hear voices that bring me to an abrupt halt.

Well, one voice. Trisha’s.

“I’m not talking smack about her. You know I love Lilah to death. It’s just that she seems to have a grudge against me. I’ve really tried to be her friend, but she’s not having it.”

Sharp resentment clenches in my chest and rises into my throat. I peek around a tree so I can see who she’s talking to.

Deck, leaning over beneath the hood of one of the pickups and tinkering with something.

Trisha is standing way too close to him, stretched out to make the most of her impressive figure.

Deck doesn’t say anything. Of course not. He’s not even looking at her, his attention on whatever in the truck’s engine needs work.

But he’s also not shooing her away.

I can’t help but think that’s what he should be doing, since she might be faking sweetness but she’s also bad-mouthing me.

“It’s frustrating. Maybe you can put in a good word for me.” The flirtatious smile on Trisha’s face makes me want to gag.

Deck again doesn’t make any gestures in response .

He keeps working without acknowledging Trisha so long it’s got to be deeply uncomfortable for her because the prolonged silence makes me want to squirm.

“Now you’re mad at me,” Trisha says at last with a put-on pout. “I thought maybe you’d understand.”

Deck straightens abruptly, so quickly it startles Trisha, who jumps back but quickly regroups.

She puts her hands on his chest with another artificial smile. “I knew you’d understand.”

Deck stares at her for a few seconds. Then with calm, deliberate motions, removes her hands from his chest one by one. He takes a step away from her and raises both palms in her direction in a universal gesture. Stop!

He gestures toward her and then toward him before he makes the Stop sign again.

“But Deck?—”

Stop! This time he punctuates the sign with a glare and a shake of his head.

He shapes the fingers of one hand into an O and places them on the back of his head, bringing them down like they’re spanning the length of a long ponytail.

Lilah. He’s saying Lilah. I know it for sure, and Trisha does too.

He places the same hand on his heart in a possessive gesture.

Then points at Trisha and makes the stopping sign again.

Without waiting for a response, he turns back to lean under the hood of the pickup .

Trisha understands perfectly. With a little huff, she flounces off, mumbling something about how he completely misunderstood her intentions.

I stand behind the tree, shaking and hugging myself and fighting the ridiculous urge to giggle and cry at the same time.

We don’t start off until midmorning because the fishing haul is good. We have to clean, debone, and cook up our catch and then eat.

The late breakfast is delicious, and our spirits are good as we load the vehicles and start driving.

Usually I’m in the back of a pickup with Deck, Micah, and Burgundy, but Logan wants me to get proficient in driving an ATV, so I’m doing that today.

It’s okay. It’s not as companionable as being with my friends, but I like feeling active. Like I’m not a useless hanger-on and entirely dependent. And I’m still on a high after witnessing that interaction between Deck and Trisha this morning.

We stop for the midday break later than normal because we got a late start, and it’s already the middle of the afternoon when we spot a small community in the distance. It’s not directly on the back road we’re following, but it’s visible down the slope from our position.

The entire caravan of vehicles halts when the Jeep in the front comes to a stop. Logan and a couple of the others use binoculars to observe, and as soon as it’s clear the community is still populated and defended, Logan waves for us to move on.

An hour later, we come across a bunch of run-down self-storage units and stop again.

The buildings are in rough shape and overgrown with weeds and brambles from the nearby woods, but most of them still have unbroken padlocks on the doors. There could be stuff inside.

Logan decides it’s worth stopping to open all the units and see what’s in there to salvage. It might take a while and it’s already past midafternoon, so we will stay here for the rest of the day and camp in the storage units since they will offer convenient shelter.

I’m excited. With so many individual units, there could be the possibility of privacy tonight.

Maybe Deck and I can actually have sex.

Deck got recruited into the group that’s working on the most damaged units—the ones that require physical strength to unearth their contents—so I’m on my way to join Burgundy to clear the more accessible units when Logan calls me over.

“I’ve got a job for you, Lilah,” he says without preamble. He’s sweating in the afternoon heat, and there’s a smear of dirt down one side of his forehead like he wiped perspiration away with a dirty hand.

I perk up at the unexpected words. “Sure. What is it?”

“Since we’re here for the rest of the day, I want to get a better sense of that community we passed earlier, so take an ATV and drive back out there. Get close enough to see what’s going on there. ”

“What’s going on there?” My eyes are wide, and my heartbeat has accelerated.

In excitement, not fear.

Logan has never picked me first for a real task before.

“Yeah. Numbers. What kind of people. How they’re feeding themselves. Defenses. I want to know who is living there and how they’re surviving. And if they’re a possible threat. We were too far away to get a clear view before.”

“Okay. You want me to go on my own?”

“Yes. Why wouldn’t you?”

“Because… Because… Well, you know I have issues with… shooting people.”

He lifts one shoulder, dismissing my worries. “You’ll pull the trigger when you have no other choice, but it doesn’t matter for this job. I need someone who can move silently and stay out of sight. You’re better at staying off the radar than anyone else I’ve got.”

He’s speaking as if he’s laying out facts rather than giving me a compliment, but pride and pleasure bloom inside me anyway. To hide it, I quip, “So basically you’re saying I’m Bilbo. Pretty much useless at anything that matters but somewhat decent at sneaking around.”

I surprise him. He blinks and looks at me blankly for a couple of seconds. Then he huffs out a breath. Then another one. Then turns his head to the side and chuckles in short, choppy rasps.

I’ve never seen Logan laugh before.

Not even once .

I can’t believe a stray comment from me is what’s done it.

His laughter only lasts a minute, but he’s still half smiling when he turns back to me. “Yes, that sounds about right. So do you want to do this or not?”

“I do. I’m happy to. So I should go alone, right?”

“Yeah. I can’t spare anyone else, and you’ll do better staying out of sight on your own. It will take you an hour there and an hour back, so don’t spend more than an hour checking things out. You need to be back here well before dark. Take the ATV you were riding earlier.”

“Got it. I’ll be back in three hours.”

Logan is clearly done with the conversation. He starts walking toward one of the storage buildings. I head toward where I parked the ATV, glancing around for Deck.

Because I want to tell him where I’m going and share my good news with him.

He’s busy helping two other guys lift a huge section of wall up from a far unit, so it’s not a good time for a chat. When he can’t find me, he’ll ask Logan where I am, and Logan will let him know.

I’d rather tell him myself, but there’s no reason to stall. I can’t risk getting delayed and having the sun set before I return.

I’ve grabbed my pack, borrowed binoculars from Billy, and straddled the ATV when Deck comes running over. For a big man, he can really move fast.

He’s scowling as he approaches, making some rushed gestures. Where you go ?

“Logan gave me a job to do. It won’t take long, and it mostly consists of hiding and staying out of sight.” I add that last bit in right away so he doesn’t get worried about my putting myself at risk.

He’s worried anyway. His frown deepens. What job?

“I’m just driving back out to that community we saw and getting a closer look and taking some notes for Logan. I think it’s mostly for information purposes but also to make sure they’re no threat. I’m not going to get close enough to be in any danger.”

Yes. Danger alone.

“Maybe a little, but it’s daylight, I’m on the ATV, and I have a gun. I’ll be fine.”

No. No!

I gasp and stiffen at his stubborn expression and emphatic sign. “Yes. Logan asked me to do it, so I’m doing it.”

I’ll come.

“No! Logan wants me to go on my own. You’re needed here.”

No.

“Yes.” I’m keeping my voice low because some of the others are looking over at us with interest. Including a smirking Trisha.

My cheeks flush. This is probably what I deserve after secretly gloating this morning.

“It’s not your choice to make. I’m a grown-up and a member of this group just like you.

And you’re embarrassing me right now by acting like I’m helpless.

Logan trusts me to do this. Why can’t you? ”

He’s breathing heavily, his brows lowered and his jaw tight. He doesn’t sign anything else, but it’s more than evident he’s not happy with me right now.

And that’s fine.

I’m not happy with him either.

I turn on the ignition and settle myself on the seat again. When Deck still doesn’t move or communicate, I back up slightly so I can veer around him as I drive away.