Page 15 of Project: FU (Longwood U #3)

TAVIS

The last few weeks have been full of sneaking out to fuck Nolan as often as I can. By sneaking, I mean sneaking around my kids’ backs and keeping this on the DL as far as school is concerned. Rachel knows I’m seeing someone.

I’m not sure if it can really be considered ‘ seeing someone ,’ though. Sure, we talk. We share some things. But we’re all about fucking. It’s been a really long time since I’d had sex before Nolan, which isn’t anyone’s fault. Not even the fault of my failed marriage.

I think when I lose interest in someone, my desire to be with them dries up. Once Rachel and I got married, it had already started to wane. At the time, I thought we were doing the right thing, and maybe for our kids, we were.

But in the long run, even from the very beginning, it was all an act. I think I could physically feel our friendship fading. I imagine you’re supposed to be sad and hurt over a failed marriage. Honestly, I think I’m relieved.

The thing that makes me saddest is that I’ve lost my best friend in all this.

What would life have been like if we’d remained friends and raised our kids together out of wedlock?

No pretending to be in love and a happy, perfect couple.

What if we’d done exactly what we’d done, but while also leading different, separate lives?

My phone ringing pulls me from my thoughts. This line of thinking happens often enough, and it always just spins in a circle. No beginning, no ending.

“Hey, lady,” I say when I see who’s calling. “How’s it going?”

Crystal Morris laughs. “Tavis, you always sound the same. Haven’t aged a day, have you?”

I grin. Crystal was my assistant coach for the entire time I was with the Philadelphia Hatters. During that time, we’d become very good friends. When I retired, the Hatters offered her the head coaching position, which she took. However, she’s since gone to Minnesota.

“Nah. I found an elixir that makes me ageless.”

“No doubt. Hey, you around this weekend?”

“Yeah—uh… hold on.” I pull the phone from my ear and navigate to my calendar. “No, actually. This is the only weekend all month that we have away games.”

“Of course, because why not?” Crystal says, chuckling.

“Minnesota coming down this way?”

“San Jose, L.A., and ending in Anaheim before making a stop in Colorado and home again.”

“Mm. Send me the schedule. Maybe I can make a detour if the timing works.”

“Will do.”

“How’s everything? The family? Lora and the twins?”

“Lora’s as radiant as she always is. You want to talk about someone who doesn’t age. My wife, man. I swear, she could pass for a twenty-two-year-old. She still gets carded when we go out. I’m likely viewed as her mother or older sister.”

I laugh. “Oh no.”

“Oh yeah. On the one hand, I have the hot wife, so I’m doing something right.”

I continue to laugh.

“Kids are good. Seth’s baby is eight, Tavis. Eight! Can you believe that? He now gets upset when I call him a baby.”

“Believe that you and Lora have been grandmothers for eight years? Not a damn chance.”

“Yep. Imagine my twenty-two-year-old wife with an eight-year-old grandbaby. That’s some explaining right there.”

I chuckle. “Sasha?”

“Sasha has their second on the way. Any day now. I keep praying it’s not when I’m so far away. I’d love to be there.”

“Yeah, that’s hard.”

“As long as both mother and baby are healthy, that’s what matters. Seth will be there, of course. Can’t keep twins apart.”

“So I hear.”

“What about you? Kids and wife—everyone good?”

“Yep, all good. Orion moved out a couple years ago, but he only lives just down the road. I see him pretty regularly. He has a good job and continues to take classes at LU. I think he’s coming to terms with the fact working every single day for sixty years really sucks, so he’s looking for something interesting. ”

“I guess we can’t all be coaches.”

I chuckle. “That’s true. Kelsey and Skye are in college.

Kelsey is still a little princess with cheer consuming her attention.

Fortunately, she’s managing to keep her grades up, which is more than I expected since she cares far more about cheer than she does school.

Skye is his same, quiet self as he focuses on studying. ”

“You should have brought him to the arena more. He was so cute with those damn curls.”

“Those curls are still there,” I say, grinning. “Just as cute as always. Even though he’s nineteen now.”

“Ouch.”

“Yep. And my little Hannah is seventeen. Still my chaotic wild child, but such a good, happy girl. Always smiling.”

“When did our babies stop being babies?” Crystal laments.

“It happens quickly. You look away and you’ve missed six months.”

“No truer words are spoken. How’s Rachel?”

“She’s good.”

There’s a pause in conversation as she waits for me to expand. “Just good?” she prompts.

I search my brain for literally anything else to say, but… hell, I don’t even know if she still works at the same place. I sigh. “Yeah. She’s good.”

“Tavis.” I hear her chastisement and smile, closing my eyes. “You still living at home, or have you finally found your voice enough to say something?”

I glance toward the kitchen and head for the side door. Once I’m outside, I shake my head. “I’m still here.”

“But…?”

“But…” I have no words. Crystal knew that our marriage was little more than a ruse within the first few times she met Rachel. I think she’s the only person who has literally watched it dissolve before her eyes and understood what she was seeing. “I have my own room,” I volunteer.

Crystal snickers. “Do you, now?”

“I think we have a silent understanding that… we’re not together. It’s just formality.”

“You think this because you haven’t talked to her about it.”

I wince because having someone else point out how ridiculous it sounds is awful. “Admitting failure and throwing in the towel isn’t as easy as telling her I don’t like the shade of lipstick she’s wearing.”

“No,” Crystal agrees. “But you’ve both put your lives on hold for what reason?

Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

In an empty house with a roommate that you barely speak to?

Tavis, when are you going to start living for you?

You’ve spent your entire adult life doing what you thought was right for your family.

Now your family is grown. It’s time to live your life to make yourself happy. ”

Nolan flashes before my eyes and I lean against a tree to close my eyes. I’m far enough away from the house that even if someone was standing in an open window, they wouldn’t hear me. So I say something out loud that I haven’t dared to yet.

“I’ve been seeing someone.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s… really great.”

“Is he really great because it’s been a while, or is he really great because you have things in common?”

I laugh. “Jesus, Crys.”

“It’s a legitimate question. I was sure you were going to tell me you’re joining the monkhood or something.”

“Monkhood. That’s not even what it’s called.”

“What’s it called?”

I open my mouth to tell her and stop short. Fuck. I don’t remember. I laugh. “Not that.”

“Tell me about this guy.”

“He’s a student at LU.”

“Oh no.”

“Yep. Great judgment on my part, right?” I muse.

“Okay, so he’s half your age, and you need to relive your glory days. What else?”

“Ugh. Stop it. It’s not like that.”

“He’s an older student?”

Damn her. “No. His age has nothing to do with why I was interested.”

“Then what made you interested?”

“I don’t know. I love his laughter. His sarcasm. His charm. He’s beautiful, with adorable curls and big brown eyes. He always has a smile on his face and it’s…” My words trail off.

“Wow, I’ve never heard your voice go all sappy like that. You really like him.”

“I don’t know him very well,” I admit. Which isn’t as true as it should be. We’ve only started sleeping together and maybe seeing each other, but he’d spent a lot of time here over the summer, and I’ve talked to him quite a bit. “Maybe I know him a little better than I think I do.”

“Seeing him isn’t reason enough to have a difficult conversation with Rachel, though, is it?”

“Where do I begin?” I ask rhetorically. “Crys, I swear I try, but every time I look at her, I just… feel lost. I don’t know what to say. How do I apologize for putting us in this position?”

“Woah, Tavis. This isn’t all on you.”

“Logically, I know that. But somehow, my gut always tells me that’s not the truth. I know our decisions were made together. Right from the start. Yet, my gut tells me I should have handled everything differently, and if I had, we wouldn’t be in this position right now.”

“I’m going to play devil’s advocate because it seems like you have no one there to kick you in your ass.

” I laugh. “If you didn’t make the decisions you did, there’s a very good chance your kids—who you’re so incredibly proud of—would have turned out a lot differently.

Maybe you wouldn’t have had the amazing career you did since it was the drive to provide for your family that pushed you into putting yourself out there when you didn’t feel you were qualified enough.

There’s a chance that you might have missed a lot in your kids’ lives.

There’s a bigger chance that you wouldn’t be where you are today, having met the man that’s actually showing you what happiness is after not having it for so long. ”

“Thanks,” I say, and open my eyes to stare up at the sky. There are wispy clouds overhead. Floating along as if we’re living in a watercolor painting. “Maybe I need to hear that once in a while.”

“This guy may not be your happy ending, Tavis, but in all the years I’ve known you, this is the very first time I’ve heard happiness in your voice when you’re talking about something other than your kids or hockey.

That’s a big deal, and I think you need to really think about where you’re going from here. ”

“You’re right.”

“One more short lecture: I think the reasons that you’re telling yourself you haven’t spoken to Rachel go deeper than what you’re acknowledging.

Failure, it’s difficult, the kids and family.

All true. But I think maybe you’re hanging on because you’re afraid of what comes next.

Right now, this is easy. You always have an out with your wife at home.

You’ve never lived on your own in a life where you only have you to answer to.

Your fear isn’t just holding you back from living the life you deserve, Tavis. It’s holding Rachel back, too.”

I think about her words and maybe she’s right. Maybe I am afraid of the unknown. The uncertainty. This is easy and familiar, something I have acknowledged. I’m not sure I’ve considered that perhaps I’m afraid to move on.

The loud roar of an engine on the street has me shifting where I stand to see what the noise is. I live in a relatively quiet neighborhood and as far as I know, there aren’t a lot of bikes around. This is unmistakably a bike.

The rider revs the engine and I swear, I can feel it echo in my bones. It’s far louder than it needs to be.

“What is that?” Crystal asks.

“Noisy hooligan,” I say just as the biker comes into view. Slows in front of my house and then pulls into my driveway. “My hooligan,” I clarify, laughing.

“Oh no.”

“Yeah, apparently Orion wants to test his mortality. Send me that schedule, Crys.”

“I will.”

“And thank you for this pep talk. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course. Give me a call later. We’re shit at keeping in touch.”

“Will do. Give my best to Lora and the kids.”

“Same, Tavis. Good luck with Orion.”

I huff. My phone falls into my pocket as I approach my eldest. He’s beaming like a proud new father. Rachel is standing at the front door now, shaking her head.

“What did you do?” I ask, staring at the beat-up bike.

“I think it needs a new muffler,” Orion admits. He waves at Rachel. “Want a ride, Mom?”

“Generous, but I’m going to pass. You best be wearing all the padding and protection, Ry.”

“I am. Promise.”

She sighs and turns back into the house. He turns his attention, and his beaming smile, back on me. He’s the perfect combination of me and his mother. I have such beautiful children.

“Do you even have your bike license?”

“I do,” he says triumphantly, and pulls his wallet from his pocket. He hands me his new license. Brand new. Within the last week.

“When did you do this?”

“I’ve been working on it for a while. I wanted to surprise you.”

I look between him and the bike. “You surprised me.”

“I thought maybe I could leave it here? Maybe we can work on it together? I know you don’t know bike mechanics or whatever, but we can learn?”

Ah. I see this for what it is now. I step closer and wrap an arm around his waist, pulling my boy against me. “We don’t need an excuse to spend time together, Ry. I will happily just hang out if you want. Whenever you want.”

He sighs. “I know,” he says quietly. “I guess maybe I’ve become afraid that we’re not going to be close now that I don’t live at home.

You spend a lot of time with Skye, and I barely see you.

Either of you. It kind of sucks but I like having my own place, so moving back isn’t the answer.

I just thought that if we had a hobby together, maybe it’d assure me that we’re not going to grow apart. ”

Okay, no more pretense that my son needs a hug. I pull him to me and hug him tightly. I’m glad we’ve always been an affectionate household. None of my kids are afraid of hugging their parents or each other.

Orion sighs. “I sound foolish, don’t I?”

“No. I understand that fear, son. The only thing I’ve truly struggled with as you kids grow up is that you don’t need your mother and me anymore.

You’re growing up and moving out, living your own lives.

Trust me, the fear of our close relationship fading away has always sat heavy on my mind.

We don’t need to share a hobby, but I’m very happy to start one with you, my baby boy. ”

He snorts. “I haven’t been your baby boy in a lot of years, Dad.”

“Au contraire. You’re always going to be my baby boy. My firstborn. The love of my life who made me a father.” I grip the back of his neck and kiss his cheek. “That alone assures that you’re always going to have a very special place in my heart, Orion.”

He looks at me, smiling. “Thanks, Dad.”

We hold each other’s gaze for a minute before he takes a breath and looks at his new bike. “So… I think we should start watching YouTV videos.”

I snort. Or hire a mechanic so we don’t fuck this up. But his call.