Page 32

VALE

For some reason it feels different, quieter, once Ami is out of sight, walking back down Spenard.

I stand for a few more minutes, gazing out, letting the sun warm me through my clothes.

I feel a strange tingle, almost a burning in my throat, and find myself wishing she had stayed a little longer. It feels worse here without Ami.

I shake myself and head inside, my mind flicking back and forth from the image of Ami sitting at my room, at my desk, facing the window, to the sight of her swimming in the pool.

The throat feeling intensifies, and I wonder if I’m coming down with something. I head to the cafeteria and grab a big glass of water, chugging it down. The sounds of clinking silverware, clattering plates, and the low voices of the Forge are familiar. After I drink the water I feel better.

A lot of times the cafeteria annoys me. All the people, all the commotion.

I’d rather eat alone in my room. But the thought of taking a plate up to my empty room, eating alone at the desk where Ami was sitting…

shoot, my throat is burning again. I blink rapidly as my eyes itch.

I’ll take something for allergies before bed.

I decide to stay down here, not ready to face the silence of my room with only thoughts of Ami for company.

I scan for her friend Zeph, and my feet take me over to him once I have a full plate of food in my hands. Zeph looks tired, beaten down, as all the new recruits do. The mental and physical training my father has designed for them is no joke.

I went through it, in addition to all the extra training sessions he required me to do. I sit across from Zeph and he glances up, wary.

“Ami just left,” I say. I don’t know why, I’m not trying to tease him or make him feel bad. It’s just what I’m thinking about.

Zeph’s head swings around as if he might still catch a glimpse of her. “Here at the Forge?” His voice hardens. “Why was she here?” He’s suspicious. “And why didn’t I get to see her?”

“We’re still not sure what she’s up to.”

“I’m sure,” he argues. “She followed me here. I want to see her,” he says, louder.

“Calm down. I’m filling you in. I didn’t have to come over here. I’m trying to understand. It seems like she had everything back there, with her mom serving in the military, and the swimming and HighClear and everything.”

His face clouds.

“What?” I ask a little more forcefully than I mean to. “Is there something you’re not telling me? ”

“No, you’re right.” He shakes his head. “Ami had a good life in the Society—the PS—” he corrects himself. “But she wasn’t happy. Not lately.” He stares off in the distance.

“When did you meet her?” I ask

“We moved onto the block after the Integration,” he explains.

Ah. He must have come after I left.

“I think a lot of people moved away, but when Ami and I met it was like, this is great. We went everywhere together.”

I’m hit with an unexpected wish to have been there too, having adventures with them. Or to have been the new kid, taken under Ami’s wing.

“What do you mean everywhere?” I try to remember Baltimore. My mom took me to parks and I played in our alley or at a friend’s house.

“All over the city. There were no cars or anything,” he explains.

The Peaceful Society banned cars while they were ramping up public transit, before they allowed e-cars.

“And there were the security stations.” He lowers his voice, looking apologetic.

I know the men here hate them, but I don’t care. I want to hear more about Ami. “Where would you go?”

“Everywhere. Every alley, every corner store. Ami had a bunch of places she liked to visit.”

“Like where?” I can’t help asking.

“The Y or the pool, the record shop, a chocolate shop, the old brewery.”

He laughs as my face twists. “They weren’t selling beer, but they had pinball machines in the back. You know, the library. She liked to be out all day. We’d take the bus, just to see where it went.” He’s grinning.

I try to imagine it. If we’d stayed in Baltimore, it could have been me as a young teenager, wandering free.

Even after we escaped the PS and came up here, I was never free to explore like that.

We had to stay in the compound. It was years of learning to defend myself before my father would trust me out in Anchorage without a guard babysitting me.

“What changed?” I ask, remembering he said Ami didn’t seem that happy lately.

“She just…” He stops to think. “It’s a lot of pressure on the girls, you know, the ones going up for Clearance.

To be smart, and strong, and master all the regulation stuff.

Yeah,” he muses. “The more advanced she got with her self-control, the more she seemed shut down a lot of the time. She’d do homework with me, or take a walk on the weekend. But she changed a lot.

“I get it,” he goes on. “She had to do everything, be everything, and do it all well. She didn’t allow herself to explore or try new things, even though that was what she loved, you know, before.”

We lapse into silence, eating while the murmurs rise and fall around us. Finally I glance up and Zeph is staring at me.

“Okay, I told you about her,” he says a little coldly. “Now when do I get to see her?”

I consider the possibilities, but there’s no way I’m letting him get involved with the mission at the Brotherhood on the solstice this weekend. It’ll be hard enough keeping Ami safe there; I don’t need an untrained recruit on top of it.

“At least tell me where she’s staying and I can say hi to her,” he complains.

My eyes flick to my phone where I wrote down her address.

He’s watching me closely. I shake my head no.

I’ll have to check with my dad before I give this guy her info and send him out into Anchorage, maybe go with him to supervise.

I know the drill with new recruits. They’re stuck in the compound until they’re fully trained and trustworthy.

“I’m sorry I can’t share that,” I tell him. His eyes dart to my phone, but I pick it up and shove it in my pocket. He’s stuck. Unless he wants to sneak out and roam Anchorage looking for a needle in a haystack, he’ll have to wait until I get the all clear.

“I’ll ask my father about it, let you know what he says,” I assure Zeph.

He doesn’t seem upset, just thoughtful. “And what do you think he’ll say?”

I shrug, pushing my chair back. “Probably no. But I’ll check with him anyway.”

I stride away from the table, trying to leave behind all thoughts of Ami and focus on what I need to do next. But even as I step out into the quiet hallway, I suddenly remember what she smells like.

I need to get myself back in the zone. I waffle between going straight to my dad or to my room. I’ll head back to my room and shower first.

My room is no better. Not with the memories of Ami, perched on the chair, looking out the window at the mountains. Even the smell of chlorine clinging to me reminds me of her. I scrub, trying to leave the scent and the memories behind, focus myself and my breathing.

I can’t be distracted while I’m talking to my father, I need to be perfectly focused. I breathe deeply, taking a minute to find my center before I head out.