Page 37 of Pretty When It Burns (When The Lights Go Down #1)

Chapter thirty-four

"Way Down We Go" - KALEO

Grayson

Iwander around the venue before soundcheck, trying to kill time—and more importantly, avoid Jake like the plague. I’m trying to decompress before playing the biggest show of my career tonight, and his apocalyptic energy rubbing off on me is the last thing I need before going on stage.

Mia is still on the bus. She mentioned wanting to call her sisters and tell them about her dad’s voicemail. I didn’t want to linger around while she did that. It seemed like something she needed to do on her own.

I push the back door of the venue open and breathe in the slightly disgusting, humid Florida air.

I find Johanna sitting on a metal equipment case, heels kicked off beside her, scrolling through her phone but not absorbing any of what’s on it.

She still looks polished, even in this heat, but I know her well enough to see the cracks beneath the surface.

“Avoiding Jake, too?” I ask as I walk up.

She glances up at me and tucks her phone into her pocket. “He’s acting like you’re opening for All Time Low tonight.”

“We basically are,” I chuckle. “To tonight’s crowd anyway.”

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

I hoist myself up onto the metal case to sit next to her.

For a few minutes, neither of us say anything.

We listen to the sounds of the bands loading in—including mine.

The best thing about being the front man is that it takes literal seconds to set up a microphone and whatever guitar I want to use.

I’m reminded heavily of this as I hear Tony yelling something about lost “lucky” drumsticks.

But right now, in this little corner, it’s relatively quiet.

“Have you heard from Mom?” I ask finally, realizing this is probably the first time I’ve ever asked her that question.

Johanna doesn’t—maybe can’t—look at me.

“She’s hanging on. But yeah… I can feel it every time I talk to her. It’s getting closer.”

The knot in my chest tightens. “I should’ve stayed longer. Said more. Done more. I don’t know. I can’t shake the guilt.”

“She knows, Gray,” she says softly. “You think you didn’t do enough, but going at all? That meant everything to her.”

“I still should’ve spent more than, what, a few hours with her?” I mutter. “I could’ve cancelled a show. I should’ve.”

“She didn’t want that, Grayson,” Johanna insists. “Besides, the show you would’ve cancelled would’ve been Philly, and if that show hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t be entertaining signing a major record deal at the end of this tour. It’s all been for a reason.”

A long silence stands between us, heavy but not uncomfortable, because the reality is that she’s right. I drop my head into my hands and take a deep breath.

“I’m scared, Joey,” I admit, another first. “I don’t want to get that call. I don’t think I can take it.”

Johanna puts her arms around me and rests her head against my shoulder. “I’m scared, too. But we can take it together, however it happens.”

I look up at her. She’s always so damn calm. If everything’s about to go up in flames, I’m grateful I’m not going to have to do it alone.

The venue is packed. Even standing in our dressing room in the back of it, I can tell. The floor is literally vibrating beneath my boots and I can hear the crowd chanting through the closed door.

Sold out show.

Tens of thousands of people are filing into the arena, ready to scream our songs at the top of their lungs with us.

Everything I’ve wanted since I was eighteen when I started this whole thing with Eric, Brandon, and Tony is staring me right in the face—and I can’t fucking breathe.

“Five minutes,” Jake calls out, sticking his head through the door. “Make it count, Harris.”

The door slams shut behind him.

Fuck, I want to enjoy this moment. I want to feel the adrenaline, the anticipation, the need to go out there and play the best show of my life.

I should be riding the most insurmountable high, but instead, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I sink into the couch, elbows on my knees, trying to calm the storm inside my head.

“Hi.”

Mia’s voice breaks through the haze—soft, simple, but steady.

“Hey,” I say, the relief that comes with her presence washing over me.

She leans against the wall in her ripped black jeans and a thin, lacy black top that leaves very little to the imagination. Her headset hangs around her neck, hair looking a little wild from the humidity, but she looks like home. Even here.

“You’re going to crush this,” she says, as if she’s reading my mind. “You’re going to go out there and play your heart out, and nothing else matters. Not tonight.”

My eyes meet hers effortlessly.

“It’s not the show,” I admit. “I talked to Joey earlier. It’s Mom. We haven’t gotten an update in awhile, and I just can’t shake the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop.”

She crosses the room in a beat and kneels in front of me, placing her hands on my thighs. Her touch is always a reminder that I’m still here. Still real.

“I know it’s impossible,” she says gently.

“But you have to try not to think about that right now, and I don’t think your mom would want you to be.

Just be here, in this moment where all your dreams are about to come true as you step out on stage to play your first sold-out stadium show. Be here with me.”

I nod, trying my best to do as she says because I know she’s right. My hand wraps around her wrist and I hold on as if I’d lose my grip on reality if I let her go.

“You look unreal, by the way,” I murmur, trying to chase away the heaviness in the room with a thread of the truth. “It’s criminal how good you look in black lace.”

Mia smiles and lets out a soft laugh. “I thought you might need a distraction. Just helping.”

“You help more than you know, sweetheart.”

I stand and pull her up with me, cupping her face in both hands and kissing her—not with urgency, but with everything I don’t have words for.

Thank you.

I love you.

I need you.

I finally pull away and rest my forehead against hers.

“Go light it up,” she whispers. “I’ll be in the wings.”

There’s another knock on the door—Jake again, impatience building in his voice. “Harris! Let’s go!”

I take one more deep breath before Mia and I make the walk towards the stage so I can get mic'd up. The guys are already hyped, finishing off their game-time chant.

Tony: “What are we?”

“A goddamn disaster!”

Eric: “What do we do?”

“Burn it down!”

Brandon: “And what do we rise from?”

“The fucking ashes!”

I slide in just in time to catch my line: “Let’s make them feel it!”

And then, all together: “ONE. TWO. FUCK IT UP!”

The lights hit. The roar of the crowd is deafening in a way it never has been before. I give Mia one last look before stepping into the chaos.

See you after? I mouth.

Always, she replies, blowing me a kiss.

Then I’m in it.

The storm.

The light.

The noise.

Leaving my fears behind in the dark.