Page 103 of Preacher Man

“You know what, no I’m fucking not. Take your goddamn money back if you’re dictating what I can do with it.”

“What you can do with it? It’s rent! You think I’m funding your playtime with that waste of space you claim to love? Rent. Rita. Or did you conveniently forget you told me you were getting kicked out? Let me guess, the texting is to your dealer?”

“No, it’s---”

“Yeah, right, of course. I’ve heard it all before. Money, now.”

It was rare for Ruby to talk that way to Rita, her sister blinked, her face turning an angry red, she shoved the money back into Ruby’s hand with force, she felt the bite of Rita’s nails in her palm.

“Just get the fuck out. You didn’t come to see me anyway, it’s all about that whining shit in there, isn’t it? You don’t have kids of your own so you wanna take mine. Well tough, go get knocked up already and leave us the hell alone, Ruby, but that would mean you getting a life of your own, wouldn’t it? You’re not my mother and never will be, and you’ll never get Seb.”

Her sister’s words rippled through her one at a time, tiny stabs of pain left in their wake. Sometimes the truth was about as stark of a reality as it could get. Nothing Rita said was a lie. She wanted Sebastian, she would be more than happy to take her nephew and give him a life better deserving of the one he had now. From his demeanor, he was the most depressing little four years old she’d ever seen. No joy in his eyes, no enthusiasm when he’d seen her, he hadn’t even smiled, as if even that was forbidden. Ruby’s heart was breaking every single time she saw Seb and a little more of his personality had been scrubbed away with a mother who had no maternal bond for him whatsoever. For Rita, he was a meal ticket, for welfare and Ruby’s kindness, to use against her in order to get what she wanted. If she thought it was beneficial to her to hand over care of Sebastian she would have done it already.

Ruby could only help on the fringes. All the while worrying what was going to happen to her nephew.

“I came to see you both, not that you’re interested, you’ve barely acknowledge my existence. You could have a home with me in Colorado.”

“Give it a rest will you. We’re staying here. Dwayne has a job coming up any day now.”

Of course, he does. As for what, a monumental douchebag? He was great at that already. She had no time for Sebastian’s father, he flittered in and out of their lives as and when it suited him, using Rita as much as Rita used her.

Now that was the true circle of life.

Ruby sighed, and slid into her coat, picked up her purse. She left the two dollars on the table and took only twenty. “Can I take Seb to the store with me?”

Rita scowled, shrugged her thin shoulders, already dismissing Ruby. “Whatever, take him, it’ll keep him quiet, I have a headache.”

If Seb was any quieter he’d disappear. But she didn’t say it. Instead, she walked through to the living room, smiled when he looked up with his big dark solemn eyes, playing with his ball.

One fucking ball. Her heart was breaking. “Hey, little man, you want to come to the store with me?”

He nodded and climbed to his feet. He wore threadbare jeans that were too small for him by at least a year, his footwear from the cheap section of Target had seen better days and when she bent down to tighten the Velcro strap on the casual blue and yellow shoe she felt how his toes were pushed right to the tips. Goddamn, Rita. He was the sweetest little boy, with a gorgeous face. She’d tried for too long to unravel all the intricate complications of Rita’s life, it was too hard, too time-consuming hitting her head against a brick wall, but Sebastian still had a chance.

He didn’t show enthusiasm to be going outside with the prospect of buying candy. What kid didn’t get excited about candy? Fucks sake, she was thirty and got excited for almond joys. She fastened up his jacket and felt the ache in her heart when he slid his small hand into hers.

He didn’t even look at his mom as they left. Didn’t run to give her a hug, or wave.

Neither did Rita.

She tried to engage him in an animated chat on the short walk to the store down the block, she asked what TV shows he liked, what he liked to eat, and did he want to choose some candy. While he looked around, seemed fascinated in a fleet of motorbikes that rode by, he was about as lively as static air, never smiled, and only nodded a few times to her questions. He liked Spider-Man, he told her and Twizzlers.

She wanted to buy him every stick of Twizzlers she could find. She gave his hand a little squeeze.Auntie Ruby loves you, little one.

She wouldn’t cry, she couldn’t. And even as she reached up and brushed under her eye she knew she’d have to go home and leave him behind.

She also knew it had been a lie. She would give Rita money again and again because each time she had hope it would go towards something for Sebastian.

When she left him an hour later, she gave him the biggest hug, felt his arms slip around her neck, he watched her so pensively, his big dark eyes were what she’d fallen in love with first that night he was born wailing his head off in the hospital.

Maybe she could move to Nebraska to be closer to Rita and Seb.

It was an option.

Even as she thought about the chance of a life with Preacher. It had to be an option.

The only good part about being alone as she could see was unless you lied to yourself, something Ruby was prone to on occasion, you knew exactly where you were with that. You were never left wanting in the dark, because hey, it was just me myself and I. Logical and pathetic all at once.

When she thought about Preacher she didn’t want to be alone, she didn’t want nights and days where she had no one to hold or tell her everything would be alright.