Page 17

We are on our way to another family dinner with Radmir’s brothers and their wives. I’m less nervous than I was the first time I met everyone, but it’s still leaving a trace of anxiety rustling through me like crispy autumn leaves. It’s colder this evening than it has been the last few days and I’m cozy in a hoodie and a pair of jeans.

I shift in the car seat, looking out of the window at the passing street lamps, each casting a bright circle of light beneath them.

Sitting in a room filled with Kuznetsovs when I am here as a spy, an infiltrator—it’s not the most settling of ideas. I keep forgetting I am a mouse in a house of cats. Sneaking around and looking for their weakness.

I’ve become too comfortable here.

I lean forward and grab handfuls of my hair, tugging it up into a high bun, leaving messy waves hanging here and there. I pull the hairband from my wrist and wrap it around my hair, sighing softly as I settle back into my seat.

Besides, ever since the cage fight night when Renat came to the car door to let me know he has his eyes on me, I’ve had a bitter taste in my mouth.

It wasn’t just the threat.

The threat was actually called for. He notices something about me that Radmir doesn’t. He might even see the truth of what I’m up to without realizing it.

So, no, it’s not just the threat that has left me shaken. It’s the guilt.

Rich and thick and salty guilt that sometimes aches in the pit of my belly when I watch Radmir, when he turns to smile at me, and his eyes are full of tenderness. His lips curved into that beautiful smile I’ve come to enjoy.

What is going to happen when he finds out who I really am and what I’ve been doing here this entire time?

Not that I’ve actually done anything.

I’ve been slacking, ignoring my duties to my own dead brother. Ignoring the fact that I made promises to the Enzos that I would find information for them so that they could exact vengeance on my behalf. Ignoring the fact that I am living and spending time with the man who murdered someone I love.

I just keep pushing all of the thoughts of my brother aside so that I can embrace Radmir without the guilt swallowing me up.

But the guilt is still there, and it’s worse after Renat’s warning.

“Hey, are you ok?” Radmir asks, reaching across the car to place his hand on my thigh. His warm smile touches me in ways I don’t understand, and I find myself smiling too.

“I was just lost in my mind somewhere,” I answer, shrugging and knotting my brows, waving my hand in front of my head as though it was a scramble of thoughts.

“What were you thinking about?” he asks, running his hand up and down my thigh slowly. His long fingers tracing over the denim of my jeans and heating my leg beneath them.

“Um, my brother. I guess,” I say, not completely lying, but lying a little.

He gently squeezes my leg and my body tingles beneath his touch.

“I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose one of my brothers, Jade. I can’t imagine what you went through, and how it will affect the rest of your life. But I want you to know—I’m here if you ever want to talk or just… Be with someone,” he says, hesitating at the last part. Be with someone. It could mean so many things.

Physical.

Emotional.

Long term.

Short term.

An embrace.

I place my hand over his, threading my fingers through his. “Thank you, Rad. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

That is not a lie. Absolutely no part of that is a lie. I appreciate the things he’s done for me in ways I shouldn’t. In ways that make me want to stay with him.

But that’s an impossible thought. A horrible idea when I look at the whole picture.

My brother.

A ghost whispering in the back of my mind. Following me like a shadow wherever I go, in my thoughts no matter what I do.

Radmir pulls up in the driveway at his brother’s place. Renat is hosting the dinner tonight.

Ruvim is climbing out of his car ahead of us and he turns to wave at Radmir and me. We both wave back and somehow it makes my heart smile. His family has been welcoming. Only Renat has sensed the real me. The traitor. The shadow.

And I am starting to hate myself for what I’m doing. Is any of this worth it in the end? It’s not going to bring my brother back and I am stooping as low as the person who took him from me.

I glance at Radmir who smiles and asks, “You ready?”

I nod and grin back at him.

Ruvim waits for us and we all walk in together, with Radmir’s hand on my waist as he holds me close against his side.

Sitting around the table with all of his brothers talking at once and their wives laughing and chirping in between—it’s a warm and happy evening.

The food is incredible, as usual. Roast lamb, roast chicken, roast potatoes and fresh homemade breads with a wide assortment of vegetables. The carrots in sweet butter sauce are an obvious favorite and I can see why.

The guys practically clear the table and only one or two bowls still have some leftovers in it by the time they are done.

I laugh to myself, noting that all of them are tall and well-built and they obviously need a lot of fuel to keep up all those good genetics.

Even though Radmir and I are talking with everyone else at the table he constantly leans close to check in with me. Asking me if I’m ok and if I need anything.

Why does he have to be so sweet?

Just before dessert is served, the housekeepers are busy clearing away our dinner plates, when Ruvim announces something that makes Radmir go rigid with tension next to me.

“I am going to enter into one of the fights on the next cage night,” Ruvim says boldly.

“What? That’s a terrible idea.” Renat laughs, not taking him seriously. Beneath the table, Radmir’s hand tightens on my leg. It’s not me that he’s tense over though, it’s Ruvim. I reach under the table and take his hand, trying to give him something calming to hold onto.

“Ruvim you have to train for something like that. You can’t just get into the cage and expect to do well,” Radmir comments.

“I can fight,” Ruvim says defensive and looking offended.

“I know you can fight, but not at that level. You fight with rules, with men who have respect for their opponent. Cage fighting is completely different. They will kill you,” Radmir says sternly. He looks towards Rodion. “Tell him he can’t do it.”

“They can fucking try,” Ruvim hisses, getting more annoyed at Radmir’s doubt.

“Rodion?” Radmir says, his voice tight with anger.

“Radmir is right, Ruvim. It is a different kind of fighting,” Rodion says calmly, staring at his youngest brother.

“Do you think I’m blind? I’ve been watching Renat fight for almost a year now. I know what cage fighting is.” He is so worked up he is laughing—a bitter twisted laugh of disbelief that his brothers aren’t encouraging his pursuits.

“Ruv, calm down—“ Renat says. “They aren’t wrong.”

Ruvim reaches the end of his patience and stands up abruptly. “You’re all wrong. You have no idea what I’m capable of. Radmir, I expected you to be happy for me that I wanted to try something new.” He glares at Radmir.

“I don’t want you to kill yourself over some macho bullshit ego thing,” Radmir hisses.

I stand up too because Ruvim looks like he’s about to lose control. I want to try and pull him away from this tension and distract him, give him a chance to calm down. I have brothers. I know how it can be between them.

“Hey, Ruvim do you mind showing me where the bar is so I can pour another drink?” I ask, hoping like hell that he will take the distraction and roll with it.

He glares at me for a second and then sneers. I don’t take offense at it because I know it’s not me who he is upset with.

“Yeah, follow me,” he huffs and storms out of the dining room.

I follow behind him and when he stops at the bar, staring out over the swimming pool area, he sets his hands on his hips and growls angrily.

“Radmir is only being so hard headed about this because he cares about you, Ruvim,” I say cautiously, reaching for the bottle of gin.

“No, he just doesn’t think I can do it. That’s all. He doesn’t believe in me.”

I laugh a little, not mocking him, but trying to ease the tension.

“No, he’s being overprotective. It’s got nothing to do with your skill level. You’re the youngest aren’t you?” I ask.

“I am. So what?” he snaps.

“My older brothers used to be super over protective of Grigor.” I smile gently. The sound of his name on my lips doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. What a strange thing to notice in this moment.

Ruvim swallows hard. I know he is aware that I lost my little brother earlier this year. Radmir told me that he let his family know.

“Them being protective doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m a good fighter. I need experience to get better and I’ll only get that kind of experience in the cage,” he says sternly. Then he gestures towards the bar. “Help yourself, uh, yeah—I’m done with the dinner. I need some time alone.”

“Sure.” I smile and watch him walk away. Then I start fussing about, pouring a gin and tonic, just so I have something to carry back to the dining room with me.

But while I’m pouring my drink my phone rings in the back pocket of my jeans. It hasn’t rung in so long that I get a fright, scrambling to answer it.

Andrei . Shit. Now isn’t a good time. Although, no time would technically be a good time.

“Hi,” I say quietly. My heart racing and my breathing becoming tight.

“Jade, what the hell is going on? Everyone is worried about you,” he demands right off the bat.

“How are you? I’m fine. That’s so nice,” I say sarcastically.

“Quit fucking around. I need an update. Your brothers are breathing down my neck. Malkov just about wants to hang me, and the Enzos are right up my ass telling me you are taking way longer than you promised. They want intel, Jade. Now. You’ve been inside for ages. What have you been doing?” he says with accusation in his voice.

I clench my jaw, my eyes locked onto the open doorway to make sure no one is listening in on my conversation. I am also very aware of my answers and tone of voice, keeping them cryptic to anyone who might be listening and making sure I sound calm.

“It’s all good here. Everything’s going well. I’ll message you,” I mutter quietly. “Anyways, I’ve got to go. Thanks for calling.” And then I hang up the phone. My heartbeat quickens.

For a moment, I stand dead still, listening for movement, sound, someone breathing, but there is nothing. No one was listening or spying on me. I take a massive breath of relief and then let out a sigh of frustration. That guilt inside me is running even thicker. Filling my veins like a toxin.

Then, just to get it over with, I quickly message Andrei to tell him I will have information soon. He has to be patient. I’m close.

I delete the sent message, just in case.

In all honestly, I’m not close to anything because I haven’t been doing what I came here to do. Sure, I’ve been working in Radmir’s business, doing a damn good job at the paperwork he’s given me, but I haven’t been aware of any specific way to take him down or ruin his life, and I haven’t been looking.

I carry the gin back to the table and sit down next to Radmir.

“Is he ok?” he asks straight away and I knot my brows, momentarily confused, but them remembering Ruvim. I got so caught up in thoughts and fears over that phone call that I almost forgot what happened just before it.

“He’s upset that you don’t think he’s a good fighter. I told him you were trying to protect him. But I think he’s pretty angry. Give him time to calm down before you talk to him again.”

Radmir sighs and pulls his mouth tight. “He is a good fighter, but he’s not a cage fighter. He’s not brutal enough.” He shakes his head.

“He might surprise you?” I shrug, raising my eyebrows.

Rad shakes his head again. “It’s not worth the risk.”