Page 117 of Penalty Shot

That’s the biggest trade of the pre-season!

Congratulations on getting the number one spot on a top team.

When’s the farewell party?

Teammates come and go, but the Mavericks were special because they believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. I’ll respond to them when I don’t feel so goddamn gutted.

There’s only one person I want to talk to.

Until I figure things out with Elise, everything feels unsteady and fragile. Like I’m standing on thin ice, the wrong step cracking the surface till there’s nowhere to go but down.

Elise’s text makes me jump.Wanna meet at Jack & Jill’s for dinner?

That’s the greasy diner we hung out at ages ago, when Elise decided we would be “friends without benefits.” The memory of the conversation triggers something like irritation.

My fingers move before I properly consider what to say.I’m not having an important conversation in a restaurant, Elise. Come home please.

I’ve always considered myself easy going, never taking things too seriously: my studies as a kid, my training as an athlete, and my life choices in general. So, even though I was born to be a goaltender, I never worried about being number one.

Looking back at the last few months, it’s impossible to deny I’ve changed. My drive was always there, otherwise I wouldn’t have made it this far, but I’m more willing to direct my drive toward something out of reach.

It’s like I’m giving myself permission to go beyond what I can do, to a point where failure is possible.

That’s not me changing. I think that’s me being braver, better, more like the woman I love.

Wanting to be with Elise, needing to be someoneshe’dwant to be with, pushed me in so many ways.

There’s nothing casual or half measured about my actions when I gave my all during those final playoff games. Losing those games motivated me to endure the toughest summer training I’ve ever put myself through.

Most of all, there’s nothing half-ass about what I want from Elise. Not when I went to Cleveland to stand by her side and not when we traveled to Vancouver. I shared all the good and all the bad when I spilled my guts about the strained relationship I have with my family. And when I asked her to move in, it wasn’t a residence I was offering, it was my life.

So, no, I don’t want to turn away from the circumstances of this trade. I want us to be brave, to give our all, to be together no matter what.

She’s had time and space. We should talknow.

Elise:We don’t have anything in the fridge. I’ll grab some take out. Any requests?

Come home.

She doesn’t respond. I wait.

Each minute cranks me up tighter. The only thing worse than my headache is this sharp pain in my chest. I run different scenarios in my brain, each imperfect, but thereareoptions, dammit. She has to see that.

When the key turns an hour later, I defy physics and fly from the sofa to the front door. As soon as she enters, I pull her tight and bury my face in her neck. I’m making a fool of myself and I don’t care.

For the first time in hours, I inhale a full breath.

My home is with Elise. That’s clearer now more than ever.

Goaltending is just a job, no matter how much fame and money is involved. I don’t want to make the same mistake as my father, putting work in front of everything so he was a shell of a partner to my mother.

“I might be able to find a workaround,” I venture. “My agent can negotiate less pay or something. I don’t want to prioritize my career over the woman I love. That’s my dad’s mistake and I won’t make it.”

Whatever it takes, I don’t want to go back to my life without her. Determination makes my skin feel too small. I’m bursting with the need to hear her response. To know how we can move forward.

“You can’t do that,” she says in a voice squeakier than I’ve ever heard. “Randall, you can’t throw away the opportunity of a lifetime. That’s reckless.”

“Then come with me. There’s theater everywhere.”