Page 31 of Overtime Goal (Buffalo Warriors Hockey #4)

“Shut the fuck up!” The words exploded out of me.

I was halfway out of my chair before I gripped the arms to keep myself down.

“You are nothing like my father. I’ve never once thought of you that way.

What he didn’t give me, and what you and I have, are not related at all.

” I took a deep breath and forced my voice down.

“Maybe you think we’re only ‘good friends,’ but you’re my best friend.

What you’ve given me is something I’ve never had with anyone, something very intimate, and I want to explore what that means. ”

I took a quick sip of coffee and went on before he could jump in. “If I’m bi, this could be everything for us. We’ve never admitted it, but we’re already in a relationship. Who knows where it might go? Don’t deny you have feelings for me because I know you do. If I’m bi, I?—”

He held up a hand. “Stop, Riles. Listen to yourself. Might, maybe, if. Everything you’ve said is hypothetical.

Sure, you could be bi, but I think the reason you’ve gone through so many women is because you’re young and not ready to settle down.

And even if you’re right about what you’ve found with me, you’re no more ready to commit to me than you are to a woman. ”

“Not true. We’re already?—”

“It is true, Riles.” His expression softened.

“If you were prepared for any of this, you wouldn’t have made everything you said so conditional.

When you’re ready for something, you’re willing to take a leap and try to make it work.

You make sacrifices to be together and not hurt the other person, which is the total opposite of what happened yesterday. ”

“I am ready.”

He cocked his head. “No, you aren’t. Yesterday was?—”

“Yesterday, yesterday.” My voice was loud again, but he wasn’t hearing me. “Can’t we move on from that? And what do you mean by ‘the total opposite’? Yesterday is what made me start coming to terms with all this.”

“And think of all your conditional, hypothetical ideas.” His voice was so quiet I barely heard him. “If you were ready for something with me, yesterday would’ve been the perfect opportunity for the sacrifices I talked about, ones that let you be with me and not hurt me.”

“Goddammit! I’ve explained about how my agent…” I pounded on the table out of sheer desperation. “ Please , Logan. At least try to understand.”

He reached across the table and patted my hand, then pulled away.

“It’s how insistent Frank was that would have made it a sacrifice for you not to go on the date.

You’d have risked losing him, and you’d have missed the opportunity for some womanizing PR.

You’d have done all that so you wouldn’t hurt me. ”

“Are you saying that because I made one bad decision?—”

“It wasn’t a bad decision. Going out with Natalie was a very logical choice. It’s part of what you want out of life, and I don’t think you did it to hurt me. I was only collateral damage.”

We were getting nowhere, and there was no use in talking to him. He thought he knew it all and had a rebuttal for everything I said. It might be better to let it go, try to have a nice day with him, and bring the subject up again when some of his hurt had faded.

“You’re right,” I said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did, and I hate that. Please forgive me.”

He nodded, and neither of us said anything for a while. Eventually, Logan cleared his throat. “If you’re finished, I have some things to tell you.”

I was already queasy, and I wasn’t sure I could take much more. “Can it wait?”

“No. It’s important, and it affects us both.”

“Shit. Tell me.” Whatever it was, if he got it out, I’d try to deal with it. And I could go inside and lie down for a while.

“I’ve been thinking too.” His voice was soft but firm. “Things have gotten out of hand between us, and I’ll take the blame for that because I’m older. I should have realized sooner what was happening and put a stop to it.”

“A stop to what?”

“You said a few minutes ago that I shouldn’t deny my feelings for you, and I won’t. I know you might be bi, and if you are, we could ?—”

“Stop it, Logan. I’ve been honest, so don’t make fun of me.”

“You’re right, and I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make fun, but what I feel about you isn’t hypothetical. I’ve never felt like this about another person, and that’s been unfair to both of us.”

“How?”

“It’s kept me focused on you instead of looking for someone who could feel the same about me.”

My frustration was about to boil over into anger, but I pushed it down. “What makes you think I don’t?”

“I’m not exactly young anymore, Riles, but I’m not old, and I’m still decent looking. I can’t stake my happiness on something you aren’t even sure of.”

“Fuck you. I am sure of how I feel.”

He ignored what I’d said. “It’s not only hurting me; it’s holding you back too. All the time we’ve spent together might have kept you from finding a woman you could love.” He took a moment to swallow. “Having sex with me has been confusing you. You made that clear after the first time.”

“I haven’t said anything like that since then, have I?”

“No, but what do you do on the nights we’re not together? How can I be sure of what did or didn’t happen last night?”

“Nothing happened.” I clenched my jaw so I wouldn’t start yelling. “And nothing has happened with anyone else since that night in LA. Why won’t you fucking believe me?”

He picked up his coffee, looked into the mug, and set it back down. “We need to put some space between us, give each other a chance to find someone who can give us what we need. I hope we can still be friends, but we’ll have to stop hanging out so much. The slumber parties definitely have to end.”

My throat burned. “You really want to throw this away? You’re not even willing to wait and see if I can figure it out? If we…” I swallowed hard. “What if I already know I want you?”

“But you don’t,” he said. “And you may never know.”

I let out a laugh that sounded like it belonged in a padded room. “So what, I’m too late? I didn’t show up soon enough with a fucking rainbow flag, so you’re done with me?”

“No. But I can’t live in limbo waiting for you to decide if you’re in this or not. I’ve done that before, and it nearly broke me.”

“I’m not whoever did that to you.”

“I know.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “But that doesn’t mean I can survive it a second time.”

He opened his eyes, and I stared into them while everything I wanted to say jammed in my throat. I wanted to promise I’d never hurt him and beg him to give me a little more time. Instead, what came out was a low, pitiful, “I don’t want this to be over.”

“I don’t either, Ade. But it was never real.”

I blinked at him, trying to breathe past the pressure in my chest. I was afraid to say anything because I might fall into pieces I couldn’t put back together.

Almost as an afterthought, he said, “Quinn’s in town.”

My head snapped up. “What?”

He was looking through me, not at me. “Quinn Weaver. He’s here on business, and I ran into him yesterday. I told him I’d meet him this afternoon.”

I stood too fast, the chair screeching behind me. “You’re going out with him?”

Logan got up too and crossed his arms. “I said I’d meet him for drinks so we could catch up. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.”

I grabbed my stomach, trying to hold myself together. “What does that mean? You’re leaving for the afternoon, or…? When will I see you again?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know.”

A thousand things exploded in my mind, images I didn’t want.

Logan with Quinn, their past spilling into the present.

Their wild hookups Logan had described once after too many glasses of wine.

Logan pushing him up against a door, and Quinn knowing every part of Logan’s body I hadn’t dared to touch yet. The thoughts were acid in my veins.

“You’re actually doing this?” I asked. “Is it revenge because I went to dinner with Natalie?”

“No.” He looked so shocked, I believed him. “All that did was help put things into focus for me. I don’t play games, and you know me well enough to believe that.”

“But you’re… maybe… Fuck, Logan.”

He didn’t answer because he was already moving on. The wall was up, and I’d handed him the bricks to build it.

“I guess…” My throat closed, and I had to try again. “If that’s what you really want, I can’t stop you.”

“I won’t need the car. And right now, I’m going to take a nap. Maybe I’ll see you before I go.”

After a slight nod, he stepped inside. I stood there for a long time with my hands limp at my sides, staring out at the sunlit cliffs of Positano and wondering how the fuck I’d gone from lying next to him in bed to watching him walk out of my life.