Page 30 of Overtime Goal (Buffalo Warriors Hockey #4)

riley

I’d slept like garbage, tossing and turning through dreams that were worse than memories of my childhood.

I kept coming around and reaching across the bed for Logan, only to find the sheets cold.

Each time I remembered why he wasn’t there, a fresh wave of nausea hit.

At about two in the morning, I’d had to run to the bathroom and barf up dinner.

Now it was after nine, and though sunlight was flooding through the windows, I couldn’t force myself to get up.

My eyes burned from lack of sleep and the pathetic tears I couldn’t turn off.

Logan had shut me out like a stranger, turned his back on me, and told me to close the door like I’d been an unwelcome intrusion.

Fuck that. Maybe he hadn’t wanted me there, but at least I’d tried. I’d been ready to explain and apologize, tell him everything I’d been holding back. He deserved the truth, and I was ready to give it to him. Maybe I was bi, and he needed to know.

I wasn’t sure, but bisexuality fit. It made sense of every time I looked at him and wanted more. It explained what had led up to LA and everything that had happened since. I’d wanted to say all that, but he’d told me to leave. The silence was worse than any screaming match I’d ever had.

Shit. I finally dragged my sorry ass out of bed, pulled on shorts, and wandered barefoot through the villa. When I called his name, my voice echoed through the empty rooms, bouncing off tile and glass. Other than that, the place was silent.

Had he fucking left before I even got out of bed?

The car was still outside, so he must be on foot, but where would he go without me?

We’d made plans for today. We were supposed to drive along the coast, stop when we saw something interesting, and maybe even pretend to be Italian.

Had he thrown all that away without even telling me?

Apparently so since he’d bailed without leaving a note.

Maybe he’s out looking for someone , my asshole brain whispered. Another man. Someone who doesn’t make him miserable.

The thought stabbed me in the chest. I leaned against the kitchen counter, gripping the cool granite edge. It would be no less than I deserved, maybe, but it goddamn hurt. I couldn’t have fucked things up any better if I’d tried.

Swallowing hard, I tried to convince myself he was out for a walk, trying to clear his mind. He’d probably had a terrible night too, picturing me with Natalie and imagining the worst.

But fuck him. He’d been the one who wouldn’t talk to me. If he had, he’d know nothing happened between her and me. I could’ve told him I didn’t want anyone but him, that last night had proved it beyond any doubt.

If he’d let me talk, I would’ve said it wasn’t only about sex. It was about him, how he could make me laugh harder than anyone else, and how being near him shut down all the noise in my head. Even our stupid arguments were good because they proved we cared enough to fight.

I was in so deep I could barely see daylight.

And now, when I was finally ready to say it out loud and ask him to help figure out what we were, he was gone.

Goddammit. Had I blown my shot, maybe for good, because I hadn’t told my agent to shove his ultimatum up his ass?

Come on. Frank had called early in the morning, right after Logan had given me a mind-altering blow job.

If I’d been thinking clearly, I’d have realized other people would have killed to represent me.

But I’d been too addled and confused. Too fucking selfish.

So here I was, alone in paradise and afraid I’d lost my best friend for good. I swiped at my face, furious at the tears, because they were no help. What the hell was I going to do without him?

With nothing else to do, I made coffee. My hands shook as I spooned grounds into the machine and switched it on.

The rich scent made my stomach rumble, but I didn’t want to eat without Logan.

Eventually, I caved, poured myself a cup of coffee, and grabbed a couple of pastries from a box on the counter.

Then I carried everything outside and dropped into a chair.

You’re a fucking idiot, Riley.

The pastries were flaky, buttery perfection, but the bitter taste of regret was stronger. I embellished my previous statement. “I’m a grade-A certified fucking asshole idiot.”

As I was swallowing the last bite, I heard footsteps inside. Logan was home.

My pulse went haywire as relief kicked in. I ran into the kitchen, poured him coffee, and put two more pastries on a plate. When I looked up, he was standing in the doorway watching me. His expression gave nothing away.

“Hi,” I said, summoning as much good cheer as I could. “I wasn’t sure when you’d be home, so I already started eating. Come outside and join me?”

He crossed the room and took the coffee and pastries from me. “Thank you. Let’s go.”

“It’s a beautiful day. Are we still going on our drive?”

He said nothing until we were sitting at the table, and even then, he ignored my question. “I’m sorry if you were worried this morning. I forgot to leave a note, and I didn’t take my phone.”

“I was worried, to be honest. After yesterday and last night, I didn’t know what to think.”

He swallowed a bite of his sfogliatella before he spoke. “Like I said, I’m sorry.”

“Thanks. I accept.”

Without saying anything else, he finished his pastry and drank some coffee. Finally, he looked at me again. “Did you enjoy your date?”

“Not really. Natalie’s nice and all, and the restaurant was fantastic. I want to take you there. But the date was no good. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, Logan, and I want to talk about it.”

He picked up his cornetto and looked at me over the top of it. “I’ve been thinking too. I need to tell you a few things.”

Adrenaline shot through me, making my fingers tingle. In case he was about to lash out at me again, I needed to speak first. “Can I start? I think it’ll help if you hear what I’ve been thinking about.”

He bit into his pastry and kept his eyes on me until he swallowed. “Okay. Maybe we’ve come to the same conclusions.”

“Thanks.” I clasped my hands together to stop them from shaking. Now that it was time to talk, the right words were hard to find. “I… um…” I blew out a long breath. “I like you so much, Logan. Please tell me you know that.”

He nodded, holding out a hand for me to go on.

“Yesterday, I didn’t want to go out with Natalie. I know you didn’t believe me, but I tried to get out of it. I should’ve told Frank to go to hell because agents aren’t dictators. I should’ve learned that before, and now I have.”

I waited for a reply, but none came. Logan swallowed the last of the cornetto and took another sip of coffee before he nodded.

Shit. He isn’t making this easy.

My coffee had gone cold, so I finished it to keep my hands busy. “I’ve been thinking about something, and yesterday I did some online research.”

“Wait.” He stood, mug in hand. “I need more coffee. You?”

“Yes, please.” My stomach was in such a knot I wasn’t sure I could keep anything down, but at least I’d get a moment to breathe while he was in the kitchen.

“Be right back.”

He stayed inside so long I wondered if he’d bailed again. I tried to calm myself by looking down at the sea and enjoying the scent of lemon blossoms, but it didn’t work very well. When he finally returned, he set a fresh mug in front of me before sitting down.

“What were you curious about?” he asked. “Never known you to be big on research.”

Was that a dig, or just Logan being Logan?

“I research things when they matter.” My voice was louder than I meant it to be. “And this matters a lot.”

He gave a small shrug. “All right. So?”

My heart was pounding so hard I pressed a palm to my chest. “I read about bisexuality.”

His eyebrows shot up. “And?”

“And…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Turns out it’s not one-size-fits-all. There are all kinds of ways to be bi, and I’m trying to figure some things out.”

He nodded once, and I gave him the rough version of what I’d read.

When I finished, he was quiet for a moment, then sighed. “Look at you, Ade, doing your homework.”

His lack of enthusiasm made my heart start pounding again. I wished I’d said more, though I didn’t know what. “I’m trying,” I said.

“I know.” His voice was softer now. “It’s good to be informed.”

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?

“I… I…” My stomach fluttered so hard I wondered if the butterflies were real. “I might be bi. The kind where you’re attracted to two genders but only get emotional fulfillment from one.”

He drained at least half his coffee before meeting my eyes. “It’s a possibility. You’re attracted to me, but I know you prefer women.”

“No, you’ve got it backward. I’d never been with a man before you, but you know I’ve only had one girlfriend in my life, back in juniors. It only lasted a couple of months, and I was relieved when it was over.”

He shook his head. “Riles, you’ve gone through so many women since we met, I couldn’t begin to count. And those are just the ones you’ve told me about.”

“You’re not getting it. I’m like Holky was, keeping up the womanizer act but never finding more than temporary relief.

All those dates and hookups… I was looking for something I never found.

” I blew out my cheeks and forced myself to meet his gaze.

“Except with you. You’re everything I’ve needed, and I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to realize it. ”

He looked off toward the Mediterranean. I stayed still, waiting for him to speak.

When he turned back, his expression was serious.

“I don’t believe it means what you think it does.

You and I have been good friends, and I hope we can still be.

But let’s face facts. I’m twelve years older than you, and I think you’ve been getting some emotional support from me that you never got from your father. ”