Page 5 of Out of My Mind

Gideon sat on the polished hardwood floor. The world around him went mute, all except for Beth, who remained standing.

“I’ve been wondering if this really was the best next step for us, moving in together. I felt nervous. At first, I thought it was because I was moving in with my boyfriend into my first apartment, and the natural butterflies that come with that.”

“Maybe it is. I’m nervous, too. We’ll adjust.”

“But I realized that I didn’t want to adjust. Something seemed off, Gideon. Between you and me.”

This was news to him.

“You never felt it?” She asked.

“What?”

“The distance.”

“You mean because your internship was in Midtown and mine was on Wall Street?”

Beth shook her head no, her hair flinging out to the side. “There’s always been this distance between us. No matter how close I thought we were, there was this wall. And it wasn’t just me. I saw it with your other girlfriends.”

That was the problem with dating a girl you had been friends with. She knew Gideon when he was dating around, so she thought she really knew him. He wasn’t in the mood to be psychoanalyzed.

“You would start dating a girl, then they’d want to get serious, and you would break up with them. You have a typical playboy pattern, one I thought I could break.

“But once I started dating you, I saw how much you refused any type of intimacy. We would have these long talks, but it would feel like chatting with a stranger. Or after sex, you wanted to jump into the shower right away. You never wanted to cuddle. I thought it was because of your OCD.”

“I don’t have OCD.”

“You had the cleanest dorm room of any guy I know.”

“Since we’re listing faults, can I start on you yet?”

“Don’t be petty, Gideon. I’m trying to be honest with you.”

“Great timing.” He thought about the plush armchair they had picked out, that he would never get to sit in now. “You waited ten months to lay this all on me.”

“I thought you would come around. I liked the challenge.”

“I’m not a project, Beth.”

“And I’m not a prop,” she said back, her voice thick. “I think that we wanted to look like the perfect couple rather than actually be a good couple.”

Gideon stood up. Therapy session over. “I already signed a lease.”

Beth hadn’t put her name on the lease, only him. Her end of the deal was getting the furniture. Gideon wondered how long this really had been on her mind.

“You can break it.”

“Not without forfeiting first month’s and security.”

“My parents can pay you back for first month’s rent. You can talk to the landlord in the meantime. I’m sure he’ll find somebody to fill this place in no time. He’ll let you break the lease.”

Gideon studied all the details of the apartment. The enclosed porch, the molding on the borders of the off-white walls. That dishwasher. Beth seemed to read his mind.

“If you don’t want to give up the apartment, you can try and find a roommate. I can ask around.”

The last thing he wanted was help from her. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

“I know you’re hurt, and again, I wish my timing was better.”