Page 22

Danielle

“O ne more time,” Alice instructs me to tell her the whole story again as we carpool back to Honey’s house after our last afternoon classes. There are only a few days left in the semester, and I’m ready to be done. I only groan in response, so she recaps the story herself. “He said they were Jordan’s pills, and he had no idea why half of them went missing. But we weren’t sure if we believed him. And we haven’t spoken to him since. But now Jordan has confirmed Mike was telling the truth, and we still aren’t sure how we feel?”

“Correct.”

“Would we have believed him about the pills if we didn’t know about the addiction? What if he hadn’t poured his heart out and shared his past with you? Would this still be a big deal?”

Mike already knows I tell Alice everything. He said his past isn’t something he shares with everyone, but he was glad I have a friend I am close enough to talk to about it. I’m sure it didn’t hurt that Alice has always been solidly on Team Mike.

“ We don’t know,” I say, making air quotes around the “we” because this is clearly a “me” problem, and her question is impossible to answer.

“On one hand, no, I would not be worried about his addiction if I didn’t even know there was an addiction in the first place. That’s an impossible scenario. How can you be worried about something if you don’t know it exists?”

Sure, I would have believed Mike when he said the pills were Jordan’s because he has never given me a reason not to trust him. Or at least I thought he hadn’t. But seeing the photo and finding the pills on the same day was too much.

“On the other hand, just because I don’t know about something does not mean it’s not a problem.”

Tons of people don’t know they are being cheated on or that their partners have secret families. Although I feel like I know Mike well enough to be able to say he would never do those things, I’m sure everyone who has started a relationship with someone who turned out to be a liar felt the same way at the beginning. Plus, that doesn’t change the point. Not knowing about a problem wouldn’t make it go away. And I do know about this. I can’t just pretend it never happened.

“Even if I believed him from the beginning, it wouldn’t change the reality of what happened. Whether or not it was intentional, Mike is still an addict who was carrying someone else’s prescription narcotics around in the glove compartment of his truck.”

“That’s all true,” Alice concedes.

It’s something I need to think long and hard about. Even Mike doesn’t know for sure what would have happened if he were the one who found the bottle. If I stay with him, this won’t be the only time we are around medicine. It’s just a part of life. Pills are not an easy thing to avoid, especially in a career like his where people are prone to injuries.

“I can’t go back in time and erase the fact that Mike told me about it, and even if I could, I don’t think I would want to do that.”

“Totally understandable.”

I love that he trusted me enough to share the most vulnerable parts of himself. I hate that I can’t seem to find that same level of trust to give back. At first, I thought I was protecting myself by not letting things get too serious between us. Now that I’ve had more than a week to think, I still don’t know if I did the right thing after all. The Mike that I know is honest and trustworthy and kind. I want to believe that he can stay sober forever. I think I might actually even love him. But I don’t know if that is because my instincts are good and Mike is The One who is going to make my fantasy future a reality, or if I just have an intense crush on a hot, troubled baseball player who is going to tear my heart to shreds if this goes any further.

“Even if we get past all of this and I somehow manage to forget about the pills, there is still the original concern that he can get drafted by another team. One way or another, he will still leave.” I let out another loud groan in frustration and cover my face with my hands.

“You already know what I think about that particular concern. You can’t let fears about the future rob you of the present. Do you want me to come inside with you?” Alice asks when we pull up to Honey’s house.

“No, thanks.”

I appreciate the way she is always here for me when I need her, but right now I need to have some space to be alone and think. Once I’m through the door, I drop my backpack on the kitchen floor, pour myself a glass of milk, and take an entire stack of chocolate chip cookies out of the ceramic jar on the counter. Then I get a pen and a pad of paper from the junk drawer.

Thirty minutes later, I look up when I hear the floorboards creak.

“What has you scrunching your nose? That something for school?” Honey points a bright pink fingernail at the paper on the breakfast bar in front of me. I’ve been sitting here writing and erasing things from this pros and cons list for the past half an hour. I’m still no closer to deciding what to do. The whole world knows Honey will have an opinion. I guess at this point I might as well ask for it.

Taking a deep breath, I admit, “I really like Mike.”

“Sugar, everybody can see that. The two of you can’t keep your puppy dog eyes off each other when you’re in the same room, not to mention your paws. But I have noticed that boy hasn’t been around much. So, what’s all this about then?” She nods at my list.

“Well,” I start, but don’t quite know how to phrase it in a way that will still respect Mike’s privacy. He told me about his addiction in confidence. It’s not my place to be spreading his business all over town, especially not to a known gossip like Honey. “He told me something about his past, and I’m not sure I can handle it.” There. Vague, but truthful.

“I take it you don’t want to share that list you’re working so hard on?” Honey asks.

I shake my head. “I’d rather not.”

“That’s okay, don’t matter much anyway. It’s not telling us anything we didn’t already know. Lists and charts are great for helping you make decisions with your head, but they aren’t much use when it comes to matters of the heart. What’s your heart saying?”

My stupid, reckless heart knows exactly what it wants. That is the problem. It would be so much easier if I didn’t care. If this were a casual fling, the pills and who is taking them wouldn’t matter. It does matter, though. It matters because Mike matters. He matters to me. And that is terrifying.

“I think he might be the one for me, but I don’t know if I can handle that.” I put my elbows on the counter and bury my face in my hands.

Honey raps her knuckles on the counter twice. “That’s the thing about love, ain’t it? Knocks you on your ass every time. But when you find the real thing, it’s worth it, even when things get bumpy. I’ve been around a long time and haven’t met a person yet who’d disagree.”

It sounds so reasonable coming from Honey’s perspective. She didn’t have Pop as long as she would have liked— he was only fifty-two when he died— but from what I’ve heard, they were everything to each other before he passed. She’s taken a lover (her words) on occasion in the years since, but never anyone serious. Honey always says no one else could hold a candle to him.

“Whatever that boy told you about his past, do you believe it will stay there? In the past, where it belongs.”

“Do I think he’s strong enough to move on from it, you mean?”

She nods.

“I hope so. It seemed like he had, but this is the sort of thing people have to work hard to keep behind them. He’s been fighting this particular demon for a long time. I’m not sure I can trust that it will stay in the past.” I hate being this cryptic with her.

“Hmm.” Honey nods solemnly. “When he took Jake home I wondered if that might be the case.”

“You knew about that?”

She scoffs. “You think I don’t know what happens in my own house? Of course I knew. The three of you weren’t exactly trying to keep your voices down. I heard how Mike reacted, and I liked that he seemed slow to anger. There are a lot of men who wouldn’t take too kindly to someone interrupting their date with such a disrespectful spectacle.”

“Yeah, Jake was a mess that night.”

“Wasn’t the first time. That boy has something weighing on his heart, and he’s not going to find the answers where he’s been looking. But Mike seemed patient and, more importantly, he had empathy for someone at a low point. I wondered if that wasn’t because he’s been in a similar boat himself.” She quirks an eyebrow and waits for me to confirm. I twist my lips to the side and look at the floor.

“I see,” Honey says in response. “Well, I haven’t known the man long, but here is what I do know about Michael Miller: He drove my granddaughter home from work, and a week later he kept her calm and got her home safe after a car wreck. He brought me flowers the first time he came around, and he doesn’t want to start a relationship with a woman until he has been honest with her about the darker parts of himself. Oh, and he plays for the baseball team. That all sound about right?”

“It does.”

“None of that sounds too bad to me, but you’re going to have to make this decision for yourself. What I do know is that it’s been quite a while since I saw you smile as much as you did while you were sitting on the couch and watching those movies next to him.”

“He makes me happy,” I admit. He also makes me angry, frustrated, and confused. But mostly happy.

Honey nods. “I’d say the feeling is mutual. He was wearing that same dopey grin that whole evening.” She motions to my face.

I’m swept back into the memory of our movie night. Right up until that knock on the door, it truly was perfect. Watching old movies and playing games with Honey and the man I love, eating too much chocolate, giving in to our attraction and sharing an amazing first kiss. I couldn’t ask for a better first/fourth date.

I know it’s true now. I do love him. But this doesn’t feel like the lighthearted romance in Alice’s stories or the romcom movies Honey and I like to watch around the holidays. It’s heavier because it is complicated and real.

I am still leery of the pills I found, but as far as I know, Mike has always been honest with me. My gut says he’s telling the truth, and Jordan has confirmed it. Honey and Alice seem to think it’s worth giving this relationship a chance. Maybe they’re right.

Jake was right, too. Being with Mike does feel like someone turned up the volume on everything in my life, and that’s a great thing, I just didn’t realize it was also going to amplify my own insecurities. I should have tried to explain how I was feeling rather than throwing things he told me in confidence back in his face. I got upset and I was afraid I was going to lose him, so I ran. That wasn’t fair. I don’t like the way we left things between us. He deserves to know what this conversation with Honey has helped me realize. Our fight in the truck only hurt this much because I was already all-in. Now I just need to show him.