Page 13

Mike

I n the morning, Jake is still asleep in my bed. I decided to put him in my room because I figured it would be easier to wash my sheets than to clean the sofa if he puked. I left some Advil and a water bottle on the nightstand next to a short note explaining where he was. I crashed on the couch last night. It was hard to sleep, and not just because I would need to have the skills of a contortionist to be six-three and lie comfortably on a two-seater couch. I tossed around most of the night remembering things I’d rather forget.

Around seven a.m. I gave up and snuck into my room to grab my computer. I was planning to watch a movie or check the scores from a few games, but seeing Jake snoring in my sheets knocked me right back to last night and the gut punch of seeing him so out of control. Maybe I should hate him for interrupting my night with Danielle and acting like such an ass, but I don’t. I know what it’s like to be that guy. That was me more often than I’d like to admit, and most of the time I was doing much worse than telling an old friend I liked her.

The problem with memories is that your body doesn’t always realize they are in the past. My mouth is dry and when I look down I realize I’ve been scratching my forearm. A shiver runs through me.

“Dammit.”

I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. It would be so easy to drive to a clinic and tell a doctor I have an injury from practice, ask them to give me something for it. But I won’t. I’ve been through this enough to recognize when I’m triggered and know that turning back to old habits is not actually going to help. Maybe I can find a morning meeting online?

North Bay has grown on me, but there are limitations to small-town life. For one thing, I haven’t been able to find an in-person NA meeting within fifty miles. I’ve thought about calling the library or the church on Main Street to see if they’d be willing to host a group, but what do I know about starting something like that? Absolutely nothing is the answer. So, for the past few months, I’ve just been logging in online.

Virtual meetings aren’t exactly the same as sitting down with people face-to-face. In some ways, that’s good. In a town as small as this one, I doubt a North Bay chapter of Narcotics Anonymous would be very anonymous anyway. I’d be lucky if two other people showed up, and even if they did, they will probably have known each other for years and be able to spot me right away as a Blue Crab. There are no secrets in this town. Not that I’m ashamed, exactly, but I don’t need to advertise it either. I don’t know if I’m ready to sit with people I know in real life and discuss all the reasons I know I will never be good enough. Not for the team. Not for Danielle. Not for my dad. Not for any of this.

The online meetings also don’t require the same time commitment or carry the heavy shame and embarrassment of having to walk into a new building and find the room with the NA sign on the door. There is a live meeting available, so I log in to the video chatroom and take a steadying breath.

Last night doesn’t have to be a big deal, right? So, I brought my maybe-girlfriend’s friend-who-wants-more-with-her home with me. So what? Beyond being Danielle’s friend and neighbor, Jake is just a guy who I’m trying to help before he spirals any further out of control, the way I wish someone would have helped me sooner. I can do this. I can show up.

My heart is pounding so hard that it feels like it’s going to jump out of my chest. I close my eyes to center myself for a second, then open them and blink into the camera on my laptop.

“My name is Mike, and I’m an addict. I’m in recovery. I’ve been sober for over three years.” It’s actually been 1,186 days. I’m counting every damn one of them. I might not deserve to be, but I’m here. I’m alive and I’m clean this morning, and I have to believe that counts for something. At least, I hope it does.

After I get the words out, I look up and see Jake leaning against the wall. I give him a nod letting him know it’s okay to stay. Then to be candid with the other members in the meeting, I let them know, “I have someone joining me today.”

“Hi, Mike and Mike’s friend,” a disembodied voice calls from the screen while my eyes are still on the mostly-stranger in my apartment. I motion for Jake to take a seat. He pulls out a chair from the dining table and sits a few feet away from me.

I don’t actually share many of my own thoughts in the meeting, partly because Jake is watching, but also because I don’t know how many times I can rehash the same story and maintain my sanity. Instead, I spend most of the time listening and empathizing with other addicts, throwing out occasional phrases like “I hear that” and “it’s a fresh start from this moment forward.” Hearing other people struggling with the same things I am and knowing I’m playing a small part in their recovery does help to calm the chaos in my brain.

Jake stays quiet and seems curious as the meeting continues. When we finish and I close the screen of my laptop he asks, “Do you do those meetings a lot?”

It’s the first real conversation we’ve ever had, and this guy already knows more about my life than ninety percent of my teammates. He knows more about me than Danielle does. I squeeze my eyes tight, trying to push that thought out of my mind, but now it’s lodged in my brain like a splinter. Last night with Danielle felt special. She makes me feel lighter than I have in a long time. But it isn’t real. It can’t be. She doesn’t actually know me.

“Not as much as I used to.” I deflate into the back of the couch. Then I redirect the conversation back to him. “There are meetings specifically for alcohol, if you’re interested. We can find one. I could go with you.”

“Nah, I’m good.” His voice is small, forcing out the words we both know are a lie.

He doesn’t need a lecture from me, so I only stand up and walk over to the table to lay a hand on his shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, man.”

“I wish I could believe that.” His voice breaks while he twists out of my touch. This seems like something bigger than a crush on a girl, but I hardly know Jake. I don’t want to pry. Well, any more than I already have. You could make a solid case that dragging him back to my place last night was pretty much the definition of prying.

“I know that feeling. Offer still stands if you change your mind.” I try to leave the ball in his court.

“Why are you being nice to me?” He scoffs. To him, having someone be kind right now probably feels worse than if I’d punched him after what he pulled last night. Can’t say I didn’t want to, but I’m smart enough not to get myself kicked off the team over something stupid. Plus, that’s not what he needs, even if it might be what he wants. Wouldn’t be the first time I saw a guy come to me looking for a fight. When you’re low and someone is beating on you, at least you feel like you’re getting what you deserve. Grace is hard to understand and even harder to receive. I remember thinking the same thing about my mom. How could she just keep showing up and believing in me after everything I did to her?

“Like I said, I’ve been there, man.” I shrug.

“Okay, whatever. Thanks for letting me crash here last night, I guess. I need to get home. My parents are probably freaking out. I’ll call someone to pick me up.”

“I’ll drive you. I need to go back to Danielle’s house today anyway. She told your parents you were going to stay with me last night. They think we’re getting to know each other. Probably think we’re fishing or something. I doubt they’ll be suspicious of you wanting to check out the guy your best friend is dating.” I notice him shift uncomfortably in the chair at the word “dating.”

Maybe I shouldn’t poke the wound so soon, but it’s important to establish this boundary. I like Danielle and I’m not going anywhere. Jake’s going to have to get used to it. I don’t know him well enough yet to have a strong opinion about the man, but I’d like to think I do know something about Danielle, and I know he is important to her. I can respect a twenty-year history.

“My dad’s going to be suspicious of just about anything involving me right now.” Jake’s voice cuts through my thoughts and makes me bristle. “I’m not exactly on his good side at the moment,” he admits.

“Yeah, well, you’re not the only one in this room with daddy issues.” I pick up my mug from the side table next to the couch and take a long swig, then point to the kitchen counter and let Jake know he can help himself. “There’s still some coffee in the pot. Cups are in the cabinet to the right of the sink, along with the sweeteners. I’m sure you can figure out where the milk is.”

“Thanks.” He nods before turning to pour himself a mug and shaking in a few sugar packets. At first glance the tats on his arms look pretty badass, even I have to admit, but now that I have seen them up close, I realize it’s all fairytale shit like castles and wizards. Still, they are pretty sweet. I wonder if he drew the designs for them himself.

“Is this the part where we sit around and talk about why both of our dads hate us?” Jake asks, leaning against my kitchen counter and taking a long pull from the mug. He is clearly not fond of the idea. Well, bro, neither am I. There has been enough spilling of my guts in front of this guy today.

“No, I don’t put out that easily. This is the part where we finish our coffee, then I put on my shoes and take your ass home.”

As we bounce over the unpaved roads leading to Jake and Danielle’s street, he leans his head back into the seat and closes his eyes. He’s taking deep, controlled breaths, like he’s holding everything back. I drum my knuckles against the steering wheel and try to keep my mouth shut, but that doesn’t last long.

“There’s clearly something else you want to say to me.”

“On the contrary, I don’t want to say anything to you.”

I only grunt in response. He is quiet for a few seconds, but then it all spills out.

“This wasn’t exactly my choice for how to spend the morning. I know you’re coming out the hero in this scenario. Not that I don’t appreciate you kidnapping me. I know it was a dick move to bust in on your date, and I clearly wasn’t thinking last night. You did me a solid bringing me back to your place.” At least he can admit that.

Jake closes his eyes and takes another deep breath through his nostrils as if the air will grant him the patience to overcome his irritation. “But damn, dude. I don’t understand how I became the bad guy here. I was on a date with a woman I’ve known for twenty years, and I saw you chatting her up in the middle of it. Then she left with you in the middle of the night and ignored me for days.” His voice cracks again. “It’s been me and Dan for longer than I can remember, and suddenly a pro athlete shows up out of nowhere and she just takes off with him? No offense, but that story sucks.”

I chuckle and he opens one eye to glare at me sideways. I’m sure he’d like to throw a punch my way, but he needs me to keep driving if he wants to get home, and he’s got to be smart enough to know that throwing hands with me won’t get him anywhere with Danielle. She was already pretty pissed off at him last night.

“When you put it that way, I guess I can see how it doesn’t make a lot of sense from the outside. Look, man, I didn’t plan this thing with Danielle. That’s not how life works. Sometimes this stuff just happens. I met a woman, I like her, and she gets to decide if she likes me, too. No offense right back at you.” I turn my head to face him directly and use his words from a moment ago. “But yeah, I didn’t stop to think how her childhood neighbor friend might feel about it, because you don’t get to decide how her story goes. She does. And I’m sticking around for as long as she wants me.”

Jake rolls his eyes and groans before he throws his head back further. I can empathize with him. I know what it’s like to be going through family drama and know your own part in it. Sure, it also sucks when you like someone and they don’t feel the same way, but Danielle is the first woman I can see having a real relationship with. I’m not about to throw away my chance because some other dude had a boyhood crush on her and now he wants to whine about it. If Jake wants a fair shot with her, that’s between the two of them, but it sounds like he already took a swing and he missed. He’s going to need to step up his game if he plans to compete with me. I play to win. I might not deserve her, but if she wants me—and it seems like she does—I will gladly be here for that.

“That’s the thing, isn’t it?” His voice is flat. “You aren’t sticking around. You’re just passing through, and whether she has said so or not, she knows that.” He angles his body toward me, seeming to gather a little more courage. “It doesn’t matter if you’re traded or called up, or if you strike out too many times and go back to Idaho with your tail between your legs. You’ll be gone by this time next year. Dan has North Bay in her blood. She wants to be here. And I’ll be right here with her. I’ll be the one picking up the pieces when you break her. Which you will, the minute you leave.”

There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach. As much as I want Jake to be wrong about my time in North Bay, he’s not. Failure is not an option I want to consider, but I could still get traded or called up, and if those opportunities come, I will have to take them. He is wrong about Danielle, though. She’s stronger than he is giving her credit for being. Danielle’s a free agent, and I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep her on Team Miller.

When we get to Pinecrest Avenue, I stop in front of Jake’s parents’ house. He climbs out of the truck and slips inside the front door without looking back.

“You’re welcome,” I mumble to myself. Then I swing the truck over into Danielle’s driveway and shove the gearshift into park. It only takes a few long strides to reach the front door. I knock twice and she comes out to greet me. She has her hair braided in some kind of intricate knot that starts in the middle of her head on one side and falls down over the opposite shoulder. It makes the caveman part of my brain want to pull on it. I wonder if she would like that. I think it’s time to show this woman that I do have game.

“Hey. How did last night go?” she asks. “Looks like you both survived.”

“Morning, gorgeous. No worries, it was all good. Well, at least it wasn’t all bad.” I bend down and kiss her cheek. “Let’s go get your car. Do you have to work today?”

“Yep.” She smiles up at me. “But I get off at four. Can I come over after?”

Like she needs to ask.

Her question sends my mind to a dirty place. I’m not sure how she will react, but I decide that since the evening was disrupted just as things were heating up yesterday, it’s worth the risk. I bend down to whisper in her ear with mischief in my voice. “You can come whenever you like.”

“ Mike, ” Danielle squeals. She swats my arm and I laugh. “What got into your oatmeal this morning? Good Lord, it’s not even noon and you’re already standing out here on my grandma’s porch trying to make me blush.”

“If we hadn’t been interrupted last night, I could have made you do a lot more than blush.” I know I’m not the only one who feels the heat growing between us. Like I said, from this moment on, I’m pulling out all the stops. She may be shy about it, but I can tell by the way Danielle is wiggling now, shifting her weight from one foot to the other and smiling, that she likes hearing me talk this way.

She folds her arms and shakes her head, playfully scolding me. “That won’t be necessary before breakfast. A ride to pick up my car will do just fine, thank you.”

If that’s the way she wants to play it, that’s cool. I can be a patient man when I need to be.

“Then your chariot awaits.” I make a sweeping gesture toward my truck and jog over to open the door for her. Danielle giggles as she climbs in. It’s a complete 180 from where we left things last night, and I’m not complaining.

“Any fun plans for the rest of your day?” she asks once I’m in the truck and the seatbelt is buckled.

“I’m saving the fun stuff for later when you get back from work.” I turn and wiggle my eyebrows at her. Her responding laugh is adorable. “I’m actually off today. It’s a rest day for the team. Other than picking up your car, the only thing I have on my schedule is a trip to the post office.” I ordered some vintage toys to send to Maddy for her birthday.

There’s a joke about delivering my package on the tip of my tongue, but I hold it back. I just kissed her for the first time a few hours ago, and I have already made a few dirty jokes this morning. I don’t need to come on that strong. Not that I haven’t thought about delivering my package, I definitely have. But we have only been on one date. I don’t want Danielle thinking I’m a total pig who didn’t get what he wanted last night and came right back in the morning demanding more from her. There are plenty of other reasons she will discover eventually that prove I don’t deserve her, but I won’t let this be one of them. I’m fine with this going at her pace.

“The mechanic and the post office, both in one day?” Danielle teases. “Sounds like I have a real man-about-town on my hands.”

This time I can’t help myself and the joke slips out before I can even think about stopping it. “Always glad to be the man doing anything on your hands.”

Oops.

Danielle’s eyes go wide and her mouth hangs open for a solid two seconds before she throws her head back and lets out a full belly laugh.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” She dabs the corner of her eye with one finger where tears started to leak out from laughing so hard. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

“I know, me neither. I was trying really hard to behave. And I was doing so well holding back all the one-liners I had about my package.” I shake my head with mock disgust.

She snorts. “Let’s just go get my car before you get me in trouble. You are naughty, Mike Miller.” She purses her lips and tries to pretend to look disappointed in me.

Oh, sweetheart. You have no idea. But if you’re into it, maybe I can show you tonight.

Keeping the rest of my inappropriate thoughts to myself, I just smile and rest my elbow on the ledge of the open window while we drive the rest of the way to the body shop together.