Page 16

Danielle

M aybe I shouldn’t be here after everything that has gone down with Jake recently, but the last few days have been intense, and the Gibsons’ pier has always been my happy place. This is the same pier from the memory Jake shared with me. It’s also where he, Alice, and I met to swim in the summers. We held hands and jumped off the end of the dock, tucking our knees as we perfected our three-person cannon ball technique. We caught lightning bugs in the yard closer to the house. When we were five, somehow Jake managed to tie one of the glowing little insects to a blade of grass, and then he twisted his creation into a circle to make me a ring. I wore it for a few minutes, feeling like a princess as I watched my finger glow, before we untied the knot and let the bug fly free.

Now my bare feet are in the water as I sit on the edge of that same pier, holding the end of a thick line of string. The insulated, lunchbox-sized cooler next to me holds a retractable knife alongside the recycled ice cream container that is now the home for all of the raw chicken necks and gizzards Honey saves each time she buys a whole chicken to roast for dinner. I tie a small piece of bait on to the string and throw it out as far as I can.

One of Bob’s faded old baseball hats keeps my hair in place, pulled into a ponytail through the hole in the back, but even with my face shaded by the bill of the cap, the warmth of the sun burns my nose and I can almost feel new freckles forming. I will probably have a sunburn tomorrow, but for now I want to bask in the warmth of this spring afternoon. I don’t even care that my allergies are acting up and I’ve been sneezing all afternoon. This pier has always felt like a hug for my soul. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. No matter what else was happening in our lives, Jake and I found peace here. As much as I like Mike, the knowledge that what I have with Jake could be ending over this is heavy on my heart, and the worry I’m carrying since Mike told me about his addiction is weighing on me even more. I need this place. I need home.

The fishy smell that permeates the air isn’t exactly pleasant, but there is a calmness to it that makes me feel like I belong. Jake and I have shared this place for so long it is a part of us now, and we are a part of it. Even if we aren’t going to be together, I don’t think I can separate myself from him. But that doesn’t mean Mike can’t belong in my world, too. I just wish I could get rid of the doubts that have been clouding my thoughts ever since he told me about his past.

This morning I got a friend request from Mike’s teammate, Rodriguez. When I accepted, the first picture on his profile was a group shot from last night. In the photo Mike and Rodriguez are with Jordan and a few other guys, and several of them are holding beer bottles. It didn’t look like Mike had one, but there’s no way to know that from one picture. Regardless, he was still surrounded by alcohol, and he didn’t tell me he was going out last night. Maybe it’s na?ve, but I assumed he was going back to his place after he took me home. Not that he needs my permission to hang out with his friends, he’s a grown man and he can do what he wants, but it doesn’t sit well with me that he would omit that information. I didn’t know he liked to party. Actually, I’m realizing I don’t know much about my new boyfriend at all.

He said he’s been sober for three years, but that is from pills. Maybe he wasn’t talking about alcohol? I shake my head. I doubt he was drinking, but seeing him in that photo made my stomach drop. Now I’m thinking about the crab feast, and the gala, and every time the team goes out to a bar after an away game. Mike’s always going to be in situations that could compromise his sobriety, and as long as we are together, I know it will be a constant worry for me. Even if he is physically present, I could still lose him to the pills. As much as I like him, I don’t know if I’m ready to take on the weight of being in a serious relationship with an addict. I said yes to him before I had a chance to think about what it would mean. There are so many things I need him to clarify.

I feel a tug on my string and then there’s a tautness on the line, pulling it straight out into the water. I grab the metal net and balance it in my hand while I start to pull in my handline. I dip it quickly, just like Mr. Gibson taught us when we were young, but the baby crab clinging to the frozen chicken neck is too small, and it easily slips through the holes in the net.

“Give him a few months to grow and you’ll get him before the summer is over.” Jake’s voice comes from behind me and takes me by surprise. I turn to see him standing with both hands in his pockets and his shoulders slightly hunched.

“I didn’t hear you walk out. Sorry. I should have asked before I came down here.”

“You know you never need to ask.” He removes his hands from his pockets and uses them to help him balance as he sits down next to me, keeping his feet on the pier and crossing his arms over his bent knees. My eyes are drawn to the intricate artwork on his forearms.

“Jake,” I start, but the word hangs in the air, because for the first time I can remember, I’m not sure what to say to him.

He starts talking before I can form the rest of my thoughts. “I’m so sorry. I acted like such an asshole. I don’t have an excuse. Just tell me we’re okay, Dan. I get that you’re with Mike now, and as much as it kills me to say this, he’s a decent guy. I think I’m even happy for you. Or I will be. It might take a minute. It’s just…” He blows out a long breath and shifts his body toward the water. There’s a vulnerability in his voice, slipping past his usual easygoing exterior. “This is going to sound so stupid, but…”

“It was supposed to be us in the end.” I finish his thought. “I know. I always felt the same way. It’s weird the way things work out sometimes. Getting together with Mike just sort of happened. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” Tears threaten to fall, but I blink them back.

“I know. I shouldn’t have thrown it back at you like that. He’s a good guy. He tried to get me to go to an AA meeting, did he tell you that?”

“No, he didn’t.” It warms my heart to know Mike would do that for my friend and that he kept Jake’s business private. I wonder exactly how much of his own past Mike shared with Jake. “Are you going to the meeting?”

“No. I don’t think I really need to. It was cool that he tried to help, but it felt like he was projecting a bit.” Jake gives me a look, but doesn’t say more about Mike’s addiction. I can tell he is weighing how much I might already know.

Instead of airing Mike’s business, he continues, “He’s wrong about me, but it was a wake-up call. I haven’t had anything to drink since I walked in on your date, and thanks to the massive headache I had all day yesterday, I don’t have a desire to do it again anytime soon. Plus, I have no problem realizing I was a jerk to you and apologizing. I am sorry, D. You have every right to date whoever you want, and you were right. Now is not our time. We’ll be okay.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it. Although, it’s not like Mike and I are getting married. It’s still new.”

A small scoff slips out of Jake. “We’ll see. You’re different with him.”

“How so?”

“More yourself, I guess. Like somebody turned up the volume. He lights up something in you, I can see it. And I think you do the same thing for him. You deserve to be happy. I wouldn’t stand in the way of that.”

Strangely, I know what he means. I do feel like a more complete version of myself when Mike is around. But even if I do marry Mike, one day, a very long time from now, Jake is also always going to be a part of my life. I know it’s corny, but I think he is the first person who taught me what it means to love someone besides my mom and Honey. I can’t throw that away.

“You would know. You know me better than anyone.” I sniff and wipe a tear that managed to escape.

“I’m not sure that’s true anymore.”

“You knew you’d find me here,” I offer.

“That didn’t take any advanced detective skills. I can see the pier from my bedroom window.”

I smile, although the tears are coming faster now. It feels silly to cry. I’m not exactly sad, but it does feel like we are mourning the end of an era and marking the beginning of a new chapter in our grown-up lives. I’m not sure I’m ready, but I’m learning that life tends to come at you whether you are ready or not.

He pauses, as if he’s not sure he wants to share what he is about to say. “God, you have no idea how many times I’ve watched you on this pier.”

“Really?” I rub a ribbon of snot on the back of my hand, then wipe it on my cut-off jean shorts.

“Yeah, well. Don’t let it go to your head. You know my parents wouldn’t let me have a TV in my room.” He playfully punches my shoulder. It makes me smile again, and a little bit more of the tension we have both been carrying melts away. Even if nothing romantic ever happens between us, he is always going to be my Jake. I pull up the neckline of my tee shirt to wipe the tears and sweat from my face.

“We good?” he asks.

“Always.” It’s a truth I know in my bones. It would take a lot more than two nights of overindulging to make me turn my back on twenty years of friendship. He’s not getting away that easily. “Now make yourself useful.”

I nod at the cooler, and Jake takes out the knife to cut a new line from the coil of string. While he baits his handline with a fresh chicken neck, I pull my line in, then toss it further out again.

Time stands still on the water, so I can’t say how long we sit together, not catching much. It’s long enough for twilight to come and the mosquitos to nip at our feet. When footsteps creak along the pier, Jake and I both turn to see Mike walking toward us.

“Honey told me I might find you here,” he says. My heart catches in my throat, and for a second I’m worried he will be angry, finding me in the dark with another man who hasn’t been shy about his feelings for me. But Mike is smiling when he reaches the end of the dock. Instead of taking me away from Jake or putting himself between us, he sits down on my other side and kisses the top of my head to say hello.

“You guys will need to show me how to do this one day when the sun is out and we can see what we’re doing.” It’s a peace offering, Mike talking about making plans that include Jake. I reach over and squeeze his leg in a silent gesture of thanks.

“Sure, man,” Jake says.

“I thought you didn’t even like crabs,” I tease.

“I’m a North Bay man now, I’m sure they’ll grow on me.”

Smiling and sandwiched between the two most important men in my life, I ask, “Anybody want to go back to Honey’s house and have a sandwich? I’m starving.”

“You two go ahead,” Jake answers first. “I should put in some face time with the folks tonight.” He doesn’t sound excited about it.

“Okay, drive safe when you head back to school.” I tell him, but he only nods once in response. Something still feels just a little bit off. I want to get up and give him a hug, but the idea of touching Jake in front of Mike still feels awkward.

“Yeah, take care,” Mike tells him as Jake stands and salutes us with two fingers before heading back toward the house.

“You haven’t eaten dinner yet?” Mike asks, turning his attention back to me. “I think I can do better than a sandwich.”

“Oh, yeah? Mike Miller cooks? I’m learning new things about you every day.”

“For sure. Omelets, pasta, grilled cheese. Sometimes I even microwave a frozen burrito.” He smiles. “Stick with me, baby, there’s a lot to learn.” He’s teasing, but it doesn’t stop my stomach from doing a tiny flip when he calls me baby. “Come on, I’ll make you dinner. Unless you want to go out to Marnock and get something else?” Mike stands and pulls me to my feet. I throw my supplies hastily into the cooler and place one hand in his as we walk together off the pier.

“I think I would rather have the Miller Special, please.”

“That can definitely be arranged.”