Page 9

Chapter Nine

RIVER

Nate has been distant all day. Even during class, he turns his body away from me, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. By the time we arrive for therapy, he’s barely said more than a few words.

I park in the garage and grab his arm as he tries to flee the car. “Nate, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He shoves my hand off his forearm and opens the door. “Let’s just get this shit over with.”

As we walk toward the elevator, I reach for his hand, but he steps out of my grasp. My heart sinks to my stomach like an anchor hitting the ocean floor.

He regrets last night.

Nate does his best to avoid me, head slung low on our way to the doctor’s office. I don’t bother to press him for information. Dr. Swanson will get it out of him during our session.

We sit in the waiting room, Nate tapping his foot on the floor, drumming his fingers on his knee. I hate the silence. It clings to the air like fog, creating a barrier between us.

When Dr. Swanson calls us into her office, Nate rushes past me and the doctor without saying a word. Nerves slither down my spine, the fear of losing him settling deep in my bones.

“Are you okay, Nate?” Dr. Swanson asks.

“Fine,” he grunts.

Nate plops onto the couch, repeating the same annoying motions from the waiting room. All of his tapping gives me a headache.

This morning, he woke up from a nightmare, reminded of his past. I held him and promised it would be okay. But trauma survivors never forget. The flashback takes on a life of its own. If I had to relive the worst moments of my life nightly, I would never sleep.

Dr. Swanson sits a fabric armchair across from us, legs crossed. “Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

“No,” Nate spits back.

“Did something happen today?”

Nate shakes his head, arms folded over his chest. He stares blankly at the wall.

“He woke up from a nightmare of his first interaction with Veronica,” I tell the doctor.

Dr. Swanson nods, lips pressed into a thin line. She has the best poker face, devoid of any emotion. I guess it’s her job to remain impartial, to listen without judgment, and to offer advice.

“Flashbacks and night terrors are a result of your brain trying to process the trauma. Do you take anything to help you sleep?”

“No,” Nate grunts.

“He doesn’t sleep well,” I explain. “Most nights, Nate ends up in my bed because of his nightmares.”

Dr. Swanson grabs a small pad from the table beside her and scribbles on it. “I’m writing you a prescription for an antidepressant that might help you sleep better.”

“Don’t bother,” Nate hisses, rolling his eyes. “It won’t fucking work anyway. Nothing ever does.”

I slide across the couch and put my hand on his knee. His leg jumps at the sudden contact, knocking my hand to the cushion.

“Nate, please. You haven’t talked to me since breakfast. What’s going on? Did I do something? Did you not like what we did last night?”

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.

“What happened last night?” Dr. Swanson says in a soft tone.

“Nothing,” Nate lies.

“We almost had sex,” I tell her, shifting my gaze to Dr. Swanson. “And until this morning, I thought we were going to explore having a relationship, but now… I don’t know what I did to upset him.”

The vein in my neck pulses as my heart rate picks up. Not knowing where we stand kills me.

“You lied to me,” Nate says after an awkward pause. “I fucking trusted you, River.”

I want to touch him again, but I don’t want to upset him further, and keep my hands on my lap. “What did I do? I’m not a mind reader.”

His head snaps to me, a single tear streaming down his cheek. “You made plans to meet with NHL teams during the Thanksgiving break and never told me. I had to hear it from my dad this morning. He was so fucking smug about it, too. Why did he know before me? Hmmm? Why, River? We tell each other everything.”

“Because I knew you’d react this way,” I say to defend myself. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Too late.” Nate leans forward, elbows resting on his knees, and puts his hands over his face. “Why did you talk me into doing that with you… if you were just going to leave me anyway? You’re no different from everyone else.”

His words slice into my chest, a deep wound that aches as I breathe.

How do I respond?

Playing for an NHL team has been my goal for years, the inevitable evolution of my hockey career. Nate understood this long before we kissed.

“That’s not true.” I angle my body to face him and suck in a deep breath, blowing it out through my nose to calm my anxiety. “I’m not trying to get rid of you, Nate. I want to be with you.”

He looks up, his golden-brown eyes red-rimmed and glassy. “I gave you everything. And you don’t even trust me. How is this ever going to work?”

“You’re just making excuses for why we can’t be together because you’re scared.”

He swipes his thumb beneath his eye to capture another tear. “What happened to waiting until you graduate to talk to teams? We made plans.”

I roll my shoulders against the soft cushion. “My dad pressured me into setting up the meetings. He said they won’t wait forever, and he’s right. I already turned down three teams to play for KU.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Nate glides his fingers through his blond hair and sighs. “But you should have told me. I made a deal with the devil to save you… and you didn’t think enough of me to tell me the truth.”

My eyes narrow at him. “What deal?”

“Waters overheard us last night. He threatened to expose us if I didn’t get my dad to fix his grade. Now, I have to spend the summer on the ranch. And I can’t… I can’t back out, but I did it for you because I don’t want you to lose your shot at the NHL. I hate going home. But I wanted to save you.” He scrubs a hand at his clenched jaw. “And you thought nothing about me. You made that decision without speaking to me.”

“If you care about me,” I say, my voice shaking, “you won’t ask me to give up my dream.”

“I don’t want you to, nor think you should. I’m not worth it anyway.”

I clutch his cheek and force him to look into my eyes. “You are everything . There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I meant every word I said last night.”

“Don’t you see? It will always be this way. You should go. Run while you still can.”

We stare into each other’s eyes, lost in the moment until Dr. Swanson pulls us back to the present. “Nate, can we discuss the new development in your relationship with River?”

I had forgotten she was in the room, wrapped up in our intense conversation. We could have gone on for hours.

Nate doesn’t respond, too focused on me.

“Would that be okay?”

He sits straighter and weaves his fingers between mine, holding our joined hands on his knee. “I guess.”

“Last night, we took the first step toward being together,” I say since Nate is not in the mood. “I know Nate isn’t supposed to have sex, but he’s been doing well. He writes in the journal and has been controlling his urges. Neither of us has had sex since our last night with Samantha.”

“That’s good,” she comments. “Is the journal helping you, Nate?”

He bobs his head. “That’s how I figured out for sure that I like River as more than a friend. But I’m still pretty confused.”

“Confused how?”

“With my sexuality,” he admits, biting his bottom lip. “We went to a gay club last night. I liked it, which is weird. I’d never thought about other men… until I started noticing how much I liked seeing River naked.”

Dr. Swanson clutches a notepad on her lap. “It’s normal for people your age to start questioning their sexuality.”

“Yeah, I get that. I did a lot of research online.” Nate taps his foot, moving our hands in the process. “River doesn’t want to have sex with women anymore. I don’t know if I can promise never to want a woman again. And I’m afraid he’ll hate me if I change my mind.”

Herein lies the reason I hesitated to go all the way with Nate. Despite his feelings for me, Nate enjoys women too much to give them up.

Could I fuck women for him?

I have done it for years, using Nate and random women to hide my sexuality. But I don’t want to be his secret while he parades girls in and out of our lives.

“I can’t tell you what to do where River is concerned,” Dr. Swanson says. “Nor can I help you figure out your sexual orientation. However, I can help you work through the emotions you’re currently experiencing.”

Nate’s sad, brown eyes laser focus on me. “I’m fucking this up.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I can’t promise you anything, Riv. I don’t even know what I want.”

“It’s okay.”

I wish he were sure about us, but Nate has to figure this out on his own.

He sighs deeply. “I will hurt you.”

“You’re not giving us a chance. I went into this knowing you’re not gay. But I will take a chance and see where it goes.”

“Promise you’ll never lie to me or withhold information. I can’t handle you keeping secrets.”

I consider pointing out that he conveniently forgot to tell me about our roommate blackmailing him, but I hold my tongue. Nate is in a vulnerable place, seconds from falling apart. If I say the wrong thing, I could lose him.

“I promise.”

Our session continues with Dr. Swanson explaining Nate’s sexual impulses and helping us understand how to deal with them. He even lets me read his journal, which makes me smile because he writes about me daily. We’re on the path to moving forward, yet a small part of me wonders if our relationship has longevity.

Only time will tell.

After scheduling our next appointment, we step onto the elevator.

Nate stands beside me, his fingers brushing mine, staring at the floor numbers ticking down. “I’m sorry,” he mutters. “I overreacted.”

I grab his hand as the doors open into the garage and pull him toward my car. “I want you to choose me, but I know you’re not ready to commit to anything serious.”

Nate lets out a deep breath. “Why can’t we go back to the way things were but fuck each other?”

“That’s not a future for us or the women we involve. And it’s not fair to keep bringing other people into our lives only to get rid of them.” I stop at my car and click the keyfob to open the doors. “Have you considered that you get sick of women because they’re not satisfying your needs?”

Nate stuffs his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe. But how do you explain why I like pussy so much?”

“You like sex,” I point out. “You like the act of sticking your dick in a tight hole. Last I checked, you didn’t even like going down on girls.”

“Meh. It’s messy. They don’t taste like…” He stares at my lips. “Like you.”

“You love anal,” I remind him because I want him so badly it hurts that he’s not one hundred percent sure about me. “Sometimes, I think you like it more than pussy.”

Nate considers my words and bobs his head. “I like the tightness. It feels so good.”

Propping my hip against my car door, I hold his gaze. “Tell me what a woman can give you that I can’t.”