Page 31
Story: Orders and Obsessions
I took off his dog tags and threw them at him. “You said nothing! I hate you!”
“I told you what I really thought, Riley.” I pushed him, but he didn’t even flinch.
“Still, you shouldn’t have done that. You shouldn’t have trapped me like that. That was something we needed to talk about in private, not you and your f*****g dad teaming up against me.”
“God, how did you think I’d react? You dropped this bombshell on me in the worst way possible. I need time to think. To process. You asked what I thought, and I told you.” I stopped, and my combat boots made a pile of dirt. I took his hand and put it on my stomach.
“Do you not want our baby?” He looked at my stomach and then at my face.
“That’s not a baby; it’s just a bunch of cells.” The tears came harder, and my heart felt like it was breaking. I didn’t want to end our baby’s life.
“I’m really hurt,” I said softly. “You’re really f*****g hurting and disappointing me.”
“Riley.” He grabbed my arm and now wanted to give me the comfort he should have given me five minutes ago. I took it back harshly.
“No, I’m done with you,” I said as I walked ahead and heard him walk faster behind me. “You’re an arsehole!”
“Riley, you’re being too emotional about this. My dad is right: what kind of life would it have? You’ll be in jail and I’ll be here. It can’t live here. It can’t be raised like me. The cycle ends with me.”
I stopped and turned around, making patterns in the dirt with my combat boots. “Don’t tell me I’m being too emotional about a pregnancy that I have to end.” I poked his rock-hard chest with my finger.
“Don’t tell me I’m being too emotional about a f*****g jerk Lieutenant who thinks I’m good enough to f**k without a condom but doesn’t stand by me when I get pregnant.” I hit him again with my finger.
“Don’t tell me I’m being too emotional when you let your dad blackmail me and you don’t have the guts to stand up to him.”
I was falling apart in front of him, crying, scared, and alone. He let out a sad sigh. “Riley,” he whispered softly and pulled me into his chest. I cried on him, and my tears soaked his T-shirt.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “You’re right.” He held me close with his strong, long arms, right in the middle of boot camp. Not caring who could see it. Not caring if it was against the rules. He kissed my forehead gently and then pulled away.
“I support you one hundred percent. It’s your choice, and I won’t let him blackmail you. I will support whatever you decide, but my opinion hasn’t changed. I still think it’s best if you end the pregnancy.”
The quarantine building looked like a hospital, with all the white sheets, antibacterial smells and plastic shields. My eyes hurt from the bright light and the crying as I looked around the room.
“Rivers is here for infection control. Give her the best room and leave her alone. Only let me in to see her every day, no one else.” He told the nurse, who was dressed like I was an alien with a deadly poison. She gave me a hospital gown, and I smiled at her awkwardly, showing my thanks.
She took me to a bedroom, which was a lot nicer than my shed. I also had my own bathroom with a tub. It’s been a long time since I took a bath.
I asked him, “Are you really going to keep me here like a prisoner?” He opened the curtains, which let in more light, but the view was still the same. Mud, trenches, and depression.
“You have a warm bed, food, and a TV. This is heaven compared to what you’ve been through.” He walked over to me and put his cold hand on my cheek. “I could go to jail for this, Riley. I abused my position. You know that, right?” I swallowed.
I thought he might get in trouble, but jail?
“Riley, I’ll fight for you. If you want to keep this baby, I’ll make sure they give you that choice, but I’m putting everything on the line to do that, and I need you to be sure.”
“Okay, I’ll be sure.” I cut him off quickly because I was too tired to talk about it right now. I didn’t want to feel even more guilty if I decided to go through with the pregnancy. What would that even look like? He made it clear that he didn’t want to be involved.
“I need you to think about everything. If you’re in jail, you can’t take care of the baby. If I say the baby is mine, I could go to jail too. I can’t take care of the baby. It will end up in foster care. What kind of life is that?”
“I said okay,” I said, this time more forcefully. “You made your thoughts on this whole thing very clear.”
I had to think about this for a while. My own thoughts, not what other people think, are what I think. I felt like I had to have an abortion because of the pressure. I rubbed my temples because I had an emotional stress headache and wanted to sleep.
“I’ll bring you your clothes,” he said, looking at the hospital gown.
“This is fine; I just want to sleep.” He nodded sadly.
“I’ll come by tomorrow and bring you breakfast and your things.” I turned my back on him and began to take off my clothes so I could put on the hospital gown.
He stayed in my room for a while, and I could tell he wanted to say more, but I didn’t want to hear it right now.
“I’m sorry, Riley,” he said. I just nodded at him again and didn’t look back to see him leave.
I curled up in bed and covered myself with the blankets to stay warm and comfortable. I felt like I was full of emotions, fears, and worries. I knew what was best for this baby, but I felt bad and guilty even though it hadn’t happened yet.
I would have kept him in a different life. Yes, I had made up my mind that it was a boy. A pretty boy with blonde hair who didn’t always let people in but had a big heart.
He would be loud, curious, and crazy. He would be fun, tough, and demanding, but he would always be nice. He was my baby, and even though Mason didn’t want him, he was still made with love. I really cared about his father.
I loved my son very much, and that’s why I had to do what was best for him. I had to end this pregnancy.
I closed my eyes because everything hurt and felt swollen from all the crying. Then I cried some more. I cried a lot into my pillow. I thought I would never stop crying.
I was in pain and my heart was broken. Where was I? Taken away to a quarantine house in the back of a building, all by myself.
I put my hands on my stomach.
“I’m not alone; I’m with you. Baby, when your daddy leaves me, you’re here for me. Just me and you.” I wiped my tears. “For a while,” I said, crying more and more. “I’m so sorry, Baby. It’s for the best. Please forgive me. Please forgive me.”
“I told you what I really thought, Riley.” I pushed him, but he didn’t even flinch.
“Still, you shouldn’t have done that. You shouldn’t have trapped me like that. That was something we needed to talk about in private, not you and your f*****g dad teaming up against me.”
“God, how did you think I’d react? You dropped this bombshell on me in the worst way possible. I need time to think. To process. You asked what I thought, and I told you.” I stopped, and my combat boots made a pile of dirt. I took his hand and put it on my stomach.
“Do you not want our baby?” He looked at my stomach and then at my face.
“That’s not a baby; it’s just a bunch of cells.” The tears came harder, and my heart felt like it was breaking. I didn’t want to end our baby’s life.
“I’m really hurt,” I said softly. “You’re really f*****g hurting and disappointing me.”
“Riley.” He grabbed my arm and now wanted to give me the comfort he should have given me five minutes ago. I took it back harshly.
“No, I’m done with you,” I said as I walked ahead and heard him walk faster behind me. “You’re an arsehole!”
“Riley, you’re being too emotional about this. My dad is right: what kind of life would it have? You’ll be in jail and I’ll be here. It can’t live here. It can’t be raised like me. The cycle ends with me.”
I stopped and turned around, making patterns in the dirt with my combat boots. “Don’t tell me I’m being too emotional about a pregnancy that I have to end.” I poked his rock-hard chest with my finger.
“Don’t tell me I’m being too emotional about a f*****g jerk Lieutenant who thinks I’m good enough to f**k without a condom but doesn’t stand by me when I get pregnant.” I hit him again with my finger.
“Don’t tell me I’m being too emotional when you let your dad blackmail me and you don’t have the guts to stand up to him.”
I was falling apart in front of him, crying, scared, and alone. He let out a sad sigh. “Riley,” he whispered softly and pulled me into his chest. I cried on him, and my tears soaked his T-shirt.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “You’re right.” He held me close with his strong, long arms, right in the middle of boot camp. Not caring who could see it. Not caring if it was against the rules. He kissed my forehead gently and then pulled away.
“I support you one hundred percent. It’s your choice, and I won’t let him blackmail you. I will support whatever you decide, but my opinion hasn’t changed. I still think it’s best if you end the pregnancy.”
The quarantine building looked like a hospital, with all the white sheets, antibacterial smells and plastic shields. My eyes hurt from the bright light and the crying as I looked around the room.
“Rivers is here for infection control. Give her the best room and leave her alone. Only let me in to see her every day, no one else.” He told the nurse, who was dressed like I was an alien with a deadly poison. She gave me a hospital gown, and I smiled at her awkwardly, showing my thanks.
She took me to a bedroom, which was a lot nicer than my shed. I also had my own bathroom with a tub. It’s been a long time since I took a bath.
I asked him, “Are you really going to keep me here like a prisoner?” He opened the curtains, which let in more light, but the view was still the same. Mud, trenches, and depression.
“You have a warm bed, food, and a TV. This is heaven compared to what you’ve been through.” He walked over to me and put his cold hand on my cheek. “I could go to jail for this, Riley. I abused my position. You know that, right?” I swallowed.
I thought he might get in trouble, but jail?
“Riley, I’ll fight for you. If you want to keep this baby, I’ll make sure they give you that choice, but I’m putting everything on the line to do that, and I need you to be sure.”
“Okay, I’ll be sure.” I cut him off quickly because I was too tired to talk about it right now. I didn’t want to feel even more guilty if I decided to go through with the pregnancy. What would that even look like? He made it clear that he didn’t want to be involved.
“I need you to think about everything. If you’re in jail, you can’t take care of the baby. If I say the baby is mine, I could go to jail too. I can’t take care of the baby. It will end up in foster care. What kind of life is that?”
“I said okay,” I said, this time more forcefully. “You made your thoughts on this whole thing very clear.”
I had to think about this for a while. My own thoughts, not what other people think, are what I think. I felt like I had to have an abortion because of the pressure. I rubbed my temples because I had an emotional stress headache and wanted to sleep.
“I’ll bring you your clothes,” he said, looking at the hospital gown.
“This is fine; I just want to sleep.” He nodded sadly.
“I’ll come by tomorrow and bring you breakfast and your things.” I turned my back on him and began to take off my clothes so I could put on the hospital gown.
He stayed in my room for a while, and I could tell he wanted to say more, but I didn’t want to hear it right now.
“I’m sorry, Riley,” he said. I just nodded at him again and didn’t look back to see him leave.
I curled up in bed and covered myself with the blankets to stay warm and comfortable. I felt like I was full of emotions, fears, and worries. I knew what was best for this baby, but I felt bad and guilty even though it hadn’t happened yet.
I would have kept him in a different life. Yes, I had made up my mind that it was a boy. A pretty boy with blonde hair who didn’t always let people in but had a big heart.
He would be loud, curious, and crazy. He would be fun, tough, and demanding, but he would always be nice. He was my baby, and even though Mason didn’t want him, he was still made with love. I really cared about his father.
I loved my son very much, and that’s why I had to do what was best for him. I had to end this pregnancy.
I closed my eyes because everything hurt and felt swollen from all the crying. Then I cried some more. I cried a lot into my pillow. I thought I would never stop crying.
I was in pain and my heart was broken. Where was I? Taken away to a quarantine house in the back of a building, all by myself.
I put my hands on my stomach.
“I’m not alone; I’m with you. Baby, when your daddy leaves me, you’re here for me. Just me and you.” I wiped my tears. “For a while,” I said, crying more and more. “I’m so sorry, Baby. It’s for the best. Please forgive me. Please forgive me.”