Page 87 of On the Rocks

I had to walk away fromhim.

Tears stung my eyes when I finally opened them. Noah stared back at me, hope lit up in his cobalt blue irises, and he waited for me to speak.

You’re amazing.

No one has ever cared for me this way.

I feel more like myself when I’m with you than I ever have before.

You’re everything I want.

I love you.

“How could you?” I said, instead, and all the color drained from Noah’s face when the words were in the air between us.

“I…” He closed his mouth, swallowing. “What?”

The tears I’d been holding at bay broke free, sliding down each cheek in parallel lines as I formulated the lie I had to tell him.

It didn’t matter that I felt the same about him that he felt for me.

It didn’t matter that I wanted him, that I wished more than anything in the entire world that I could kiss him and hold him and say, “Of course, I want to go, and of course, I want you to go with me!”I wished I could leave this town behind, leave my family obligations and expectations in the dust and just take on the world with him at my side.

But this wasn’t a movie.

This was my life.

And inmylife, there was more to think about than just my own selfish wants. I had a mother depending on me, a father in trouble he couldn’t get out of on his own, a sister who was oblivious to the peril — and I wanted to keep it that way.

I came here tonight to give myself one last evening with Noah, one last time in his arms, one last kiss… and then, I knew I’d have to let him go. I knew I’d have to tell him something —anything— to get him to stay away from me.

If I told him the truth, he’d tell me it wasn’t my problem. I already knew he would. But, he couldn’t possibly understand. This was my family at stake — our name, our reputation. Generations of Barnetts were watching me from above, expecting me to do what was right to save the family name.

And I wouldn’t let them down.

I couldn’t let them down.

“I can’t believe you would do this,” I said, sniffing back tears as I stood, leaving Noah in the bean bag. He scrambled up after me. “You applied for ajobwithout asking me, Noah. A job that requires years of commitment.”

He gaped. “But… this is what you said you wanted.”

“No,” I corrected, even though my heart screamedyes. “It’s what Iusedto want.”

Noah furrowed his brows, taking a step toward me. “Baby, please. Come here.”

He held is arms out wide, and my heart squeezed tight at the sound of the nickname rolling from his lips. I wanted to be his baby. I wanted to behis, period — and I cried harder at the cold reality that I never would be.

Life wasn’t fair.

This was one lesson I’d never forget.

“You’re treating me like a child,” I said against the sobs. “Like you know what’s best for me.”

“That’s not what I—”

“Stop trying to save me when I didn’t ask to be saved.”

His mouth popped shut at that, and he blinked several times, digesting my words as he watched me like I was someone else entirely.