Page 6

What do you think is holding you back?

My brain, probably, which should come as no big surprise. I am so conflicted today. Xander and I had such a nice time last night, and now I just want more. Be his friend. Get to know him. Figure out what makes him tick. That is such delusional thinking. In twenty-four hours, I’ll be on a plane back home and he’ll probably forget that I ever existed.

M ia used her walk to the circuit to record snippets for her podcast. “This really is such an amazing location for a race, and qualifying held so many surprises. I hope today will live up to the excitement of yesterday.” Mia knew her first loyalty was to her podcast, which meant her attention needed to be on all the drivers, but it was impossible not to root for Xander today, especially since he’d had such a strong showing in qualifying and would be starting in the top ten at P7.

Despite her focus on the race, she was haunted by thoughts of last night in the park. Touching him had not been part of her plan—she’d innocently thought she might help him alleviate his stress. But the reality was that once she started kneading his shoulders, feeling every unbelievable muscle at the base of his neck, it had been incredibly difficult to stop.

She’d used her immense talent for overthinking to help her stem the tide of whatever it was going on inside her body, or more specifically between her legs. She reminded herself over and over again—last night and again this morning—that nothing good came of getting attached to Xander Bishop.

Even a fantasy of him was a foolish experiment—he was the sort of man who dated actresses and models. Who had women falling at his feet—women with flawless bodies and faces, who came from money and influence. In other words, not women like Mia.

And she didn’t mull over these thoughts to diminish her value as a person. She’d been lucky enough to almost always feel comfortable in her own skin, even when her mind was a complicated place. Most of the time, she felt pretty, and she knew the things that made her feel sexy. Being around Xander made her feel sexy.

Was it the thrill of verbal back-and-forth with someone who regularly frustrated her? Or was it because she sensed he wanted to show her more of who he was, even though his words said the opposite? It was probably all those things and more, but that didn’t change the fact that on the surface, she and Xander did not exist in the same world.

* * *

Despite his intention to keep solely focused on the race, Xander could not stop thinking about last night in the park with Mia. He popped down his visor and started the formation lap, zigzagging to get temperature into his tires and taking note of the feel of the track. Focus. Unfortunately, his brain kept drifting to Mia and the things she’d said. Although he sensed she was coming from a place of good intention, he didn’t buy into the notion of not looking back. Last year had been perfect. So had the year before. And since he was in a much better car this year, logic said that all he had to do was conjure his former self and drive like the Xander of last year. That would bring the desired results.

He really wanted to prove that to Mia. Doing well in the race was the only way to accomplish that. And if he didn’t do well? It would mean yet another step back. More misery. More pressure.

* * *

Mia thought she might be sick when Xander pulled into his seventh-place spot on the grid. Please do well. He had to do well. He’d kicked ass in qualifying and he’d always said Monza was one of his favorite circuits. High speed and fast corners. It was a beautiful day.

Just go racing, Xander. Just go racing.

The first light ticked on, then the second, the third, the fourth and the fifth. Mia’s pulse pounded in her ears. That moment of anticipation was killing her.

* * *

The lights went out. Xander punched the throttle. Charles protested.

In front of him, car five lunged to the left. And in that split second, a procession of thoughts hit him—becoming one with his car. Positivity. Looking ahead.

These were not his usual thoughts. But he didn’t have time to push them aside.

Miraculously, car six went right to take the inside line of the first corner. Xander spotted his opening in the gap and took it. By the end of turn two and the straight, he’d moved up two positions. He was flying. This lightness inside his chest was familiar. And so fucking welcome. He nearly laughed.

It was time to settle in. Complete this first lap. Focus on sector times. Tire management.

Come on, Charles.

It was time to catch Dirk and the rest of the field.

* * *

The better Xander did, the more nervous Mia became.

Her stomach wobbled and churned. Her hands were sweaty and slippery as she gripped the railing on the club balcony above the paddock, where she’d nabbed her primo viewing spot.

Just like in Miami, she could not only watch the on-track action up close, she could also turn around and peer inside to see one of the TV monitors. Xander’s race start had been excellent, and since then, he’d been doing great, but there had been a few rocky moments, including an excruciatingly long pit stop of 4.2 seconds.

* * *

Xander was up only one grid position from the starting order, but he’d take it. Five more laps to go. If he could just hold on, it would mean a sixth-place finish, by far his best showing this season. But the other issue was that Dirk was somewhere ahead and likely within striking distance of getting into third, which would mean a podium for the man Xander was so desperate to beat.

* * *

Mia bounced on her toes and gnawed on her fingernails as the laps ticked by. Three laps to go. Two.

From behind her, the announcer’s voice rose in volume and speed. Oh, my word! There’s Dirk Van Dijk making a mega move, no pun intended!

She whipped around to see on the TV that Dirk was up into third. Fuck. She knew it was good for the team, but she worried about what it would do to Xander. That he would continue to see himself as second-best.

She returned her attention to the track. “Come on, come on,” she muttered, leaning over the railing as the final lap started. As Xander’s car whizzed by, she made a silent wish for all to go well. She imagined him in the car, holding on for dear life.

Stay where you are, Xander.

* * *

Beads of sweat rolled down Xander’s forehead inside his helmet. So much that it felt like rain in the cockpit.

He was less than one lap away from his best finish of the season. Now it was half a lap and he dared to let himself think about the good that would come from this. Breathing room.

Come on.

A quarter lap. He checked his mirrors. Kenji was right on his ass. Xander went full beans. Final corner needed to be perfect. Final apex hit exactly. The finish line was ahead. He gave it everything. And when he sailed across with the checkered flag waving, securing his sixth-place finish, he felt like he’d just won the Drivers’ Championship. He pounded the steering wheel with his fist.

“That’s P6, Xander,” his race engineer said. “Great job. Great points.”

“Come on, baby! Let’s gooooo!” he hollered back into the radio.

“Dirk was P3. Excellent result for the team.”

Bloody hell. A podium for Dirk.

“Great. I’m so thankful for everyone’s hard work.”

The good wishes for the team were real. Any enthusiasm for Dirk was pure fakery. But none of that mattered right now. He was finally pointed in the right direction. And as he continued his cool-down lap and realized what had happened, he thought he might have Mia Neal to credit with some of this.

Because he’d looked ahead, during that race. Not back.

* * *

Xander felt like he was floating when he climbed out of the car and took off his helmet and balaclava. As he paused and looked out at the grandstands bursting with fans, he remembered why he did this. He loved the pure adrenaline of it all. Striving to be the best of the best in the entire world. He could get there. He knew it. And that was why he had to keep fighting through these struggles he was having. Today was certainly a start.

He did his post-race weigh-in, then entered the garage, which was sadly empty. All the mechanics and engineers had already headed down to get their spot in front of the podium to celebrate Dirk’s third-place finish. Part of him thought he should be a good sport, be a team player and support Dirk. Then again, Dirk was a horrible prick and had been doing everything he could to get inside Xander’s head. Dirk could sod off. Xander would celebrate on his own. All he needed was to find a bottle of champagne.

He exited the garage and headed for Mega Racing hospitality. In the distance, the Spanish national anthem was playing for Emilio, the race winner. How he hoped that one day he’d stand on that top step and listen to the strains of “God Save the King.” Even today, it still felt so far out of reach.

“There he is,” a voice came from behind him. “Mr. th-Place Finish!”

He turned, confronted by Mia. Confusing, sweet, beautiful Mia. He might owe her a lot of thanks for today. But that would require admitting she might be right about him and his mental state, a fact of which he was not convinced.

“You aren’t watching the podium celebration?”

Mia waved it off. “Nah. I can’t watch Dirk up there. He’s kind of a jerk, if you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh, I noticed.”

“Plus, I’m short and the crush of people watching is no place for the vertically challenged.”

“Sure.” An awkward quiet settled between them. “I was about to hunt down a bottle of champagne. Do you care to join me? No pressure.”

She unleashed her lovely grin. “Well, yeah. Absolutely. It’s a big day.”

He couldn’t contain his own smile. “It is, isn’t it?”

He led the way inside, only to find that hospitality was being packed up, which came as no big surprise. With the race over, the teams were always ready to head out, especially with next weekend off before Monaco. Still, he knew his way around enough to find what he needed.

“Hold on one minute.” He ducked into the kitchen and found a beverage fridge with some beer. That would do. He grabbed two bottles and held them up, feeling victorious.

“Nice.”

“If it’s okay with you, I know a quiet spot where we can talk.”

“Away from the fans?”

“Exactly.”

She followed him out back behind hospitality. It wasn’t deluxe accommodations, but it was quiet and away from fans and reporters. He stood while Mia took a seat at a picnic table.

She clinked her beer with his. “Huge congratulations for today. You were spectacular. I saw shades of the old Xander.”

He took a long drink of the cool and hoppy beer. Damn, it tasted good. “Thanks. But I thought you told me to not look back. To only look ahead.”

“Don’t listen to me. Clearly, you know what you’re doing.”

Part of him did think Mia had made a positive impact on him. Or maybe it was simply that he’d wanted to prove to her he was capable of being back on his game. “Thanks for listening last night. I appreciate it.”

“Are you kidding? I love it. I love every minute of getting to be around this sport.”

How he appreciated she felt that way. Aside from other drivers, very few people lived the sport the way he did. “What’s next for the podcast?”

She shrugged. “Back to the grind, I suppose. No more exotic locales for me, but I really appreciate you bringing me here. Thank you. It’s done so much for me. I have tons of new followers and subscribers. I’m sure that will only grow after I do my big Monza episode. Hopefully, I’ll get a few more sponsors out of this weekend. Just keep growing.”

“Do you have anyone helping you with all of this?”

“It’s just me. Recording. Editing. Marketing. Social.” She took another swig of beer, her mesmerizing eyes locked on his.

How he admired her entrepreneurial spirit. It reminded him of the things his dad had done when Xander was just starting off—scraping money together to buy secondhand karts, main taining and learning to fix them on his own while the other kids had top-of-the-line equipment and their own mechanic.

“It’s very impressive. I’m glad it’s going so well. I really am.”

“Considering where it started when we first met, that’s a real sea change, Xander.”

He smiled and downed the last of his beer. “I suppose it is.”

Mia finished hers as well, then got up from her seat. “I guess this is it, then. Thanks for everything, Xander. Especially for bringing me here. Even if it was only out of ego.”

“I never owned up to that, you know. But you’re more than welcome.”

“I’m not hard to find if you’re ever in need of a neck rub. Or an insult.”

“Ah. But I already follow your podcast. The insults are free there, aren’t they?”

She unleashed a musical laugh. “One hundred percent.”

“Isabel has your email, right? She sent you your tickets. So I could reach out to you that way.”

“She does. Although I could give you my cell number. I mean, if you want it.”

He didn’t make a habit of taking numbers, or giving out his own. It would be a nightmare if it ever fell into the wrong hands. But it didn’t feel right to simply say goodbye to Mia and let her walk away. There was something between them. What, he didn’t know. But in a sport that could be isolating, it felt foolish to throw away a genuine connection.

“Sure. I’ll take your number.”

“Hand me your phone. I’ll put it in.”

He did as she requested and watched as she tapped away at the screen. Her lush brown hair fell down around her face. Light glinted off it. He was sure it was silky soft, and he found his hands twitching at the prospect of touching it. That was only fair, right? After all, she’d touched his…

“Here you go.” She handed over the phone. “Can I give you a hug? For today? I feel like you deserve one. Especially since you didn’t have the chance to celebrate with your team.”

Her sweetness took his breath away. He hadn’t bargained on getting a hug from her, but he wasn’t about to turn it down.

“Sure. I’d love it.”

He held his arms wide and she stepped up to him, the top of her head reaching only the center of his chest. He stooped to wrap himself around her as she put her arms around him. She was warm and soft and he let his head drop forward ever so slightly, inhaling her sweet smell. He might not ever see her again, but she’d made such an impression on him. She’d managed to completely turn around his thinking about her.

He loosened his grip a bit, but didn’t let her go. Something in his arms wouldn’t allow it. Blood coursed through his body, heat circling in his hips. He was struck with an image of picking up Mia and putting her down on one of the equipment cases out back. Kissing her. Having her wrap her legs around him. Tight. Her fingers in his hair. His hands up the back of her top…

The next thing he knew, she popped up on her toes and kissed him on the cheek. As she lowered to her normal height, his arms pulled her closer, and she smiled at him, their faces mere inches from each other.

“Why do you have to be so tall and handsome?”

“Why do you have to smell so good?”

“I asked you first.”

He wanted to be clever, but he couldn’t keep up with her. His mind went blank. He dropped his head and kissed her. Right there. Without thinking about it at all. She instantly bowed into him. He pulled her tighter. She slanted her head. He could’ve sworn she sighed. His dick stood up and took notice. And for the first time in a long time, he was attracted to someone in a way that felt so right. Too little felt like that these days…

Mia pushed away and stumbled back. “I should go,” she blurted, breathless.

What the fuck had he done?

“Oh, God. Mia. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.” He instinctively reached for her, then stopped and ran his hands through his hair, wishing he could go back in time one minute and erase his stupid, stupid mistake. Still, her lips looked amazing from the kiss. So plump and red and raw…

“No. It’s okay.” She only glanced at him for a second, then averted her eyes.

She thought he was a creep. He was sure of it.

“I’m sorry. I mean it. I should’ve asked first.” Again, he wanted to reach for her, but he had to force his arms to stay at his sides. Why couldn’t he do anything right?

“Xander, it’s okay. I’m not going to tell anybody. But yeah, I really need to go.” And off she went, half running.

And he was left wondering what in the hell was wrong with him.