Page 11

Today, I feel…

Cautiously hopeful. Mia and I have just arrived at the track in Austria, and she makes me feel like good things are possible. I also feel silly, since I do not understand the purpose of writing in this journal. I’ve written in it every day for over a week now and my mental health is exactly the same as it was before I started.

M ia drew back a curtain and peeked out the window of Xander’s motorhome. “How many other drivers are back here?”

Xander was busy gathering his things for a team meeting. “Depends. Maybe half at the European races. It’s just easier when we’re going from city to city. There’s a lot more privacy back here, too.”

“How much privacy, exactly?” Mia slumped back down on the bench seat. “The other drivers will see me. They’ll see us , right?”

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but although you are somewhat notorious in the paddock, I don’t know that everyone will recognize you. And all the drivers are so focused on the race weekend, there’s no time for them to think about who’s got a—” Xander realized he’d talked himself into a corner, but then remembered the way Mia had framed their situation “—romantic interest back here.”

“Okay.” Mia pressed her lips together tightly, seeming worried. “And someone like Reginald Huff? He can’t get in here, can he?”

“No. Security is too tight and the drivers despise him.”

“He was already convinced something was going on between us.”

Xander sensed Mia was worried. Again. And although he understood it, so many of these things were beyond their control. “Hopefully, he’s on to a juicier topic. I heard Florian has a new girlfriend. Some famous actress.”

“Famous actress?” Mia blurted. “Who? How do I not know this?” Mia dug out her phone and began tapping away. “Holy crap. He’s dating Emma Taylor-Ross? Wow. She’s stunning.”

“I wouldn’t know. I don’t watch a lot of movies.”

“Fuddy-duddy.”

A knock came at the trailer door. “Come in,” Xander called.

Mia popped up from her seat and scrambled back by the kitchen. “Xander,” she hissed. “You can’t let just anyone in.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Isabel appeared in the doorway and walked up the steps, slow as molasses. “Hello, Mia ,” she said, her voice dripping with annoyance while she stared down Xander. “Are you and Xander doing an interview I didn’t know about?”

“Uh. No,” Mia answered.

Fuck. “I can explain…”

Isabel planted her hand on her hip. “Tell me. Please.”

Xander hadn’t expected Isabel so soon. He should have prepared. Their working relationship was so good it hadn’t occurred to him he might need to formulate an explanation. “So, Mia and I hung out at Monza one night…”

Isabel frantically waved her hands. “No, no, no. Stop. I don’t want to know.”

“Nothing happened that night.” He glanced at Mia, thoughts of Monza warming his face. They grew closer that evening in ways he hadn’t expected. “That part came later.”

“You two are a couple ?” Isabel asked.

“A secret couple,” Mia interjected. “I don’t think it would be good for either of us if this came out.”

Isabel nodded slowly, seeming as though she was calculating possible collateral damage. “I agree.”

Of course Mia had been right, but hearing Isabel agree so quickly really made him take notice. “Right. Me, too,” Xander chimed in, although he already hated the secrecy. He hated that the opinions of strangers needed to play into his relationship with Mia.

“First off, you two can definitely not be seen walking into the paddock together,” Isabel said.

“Of course,” Mia said. “I’ll keep to the paddock club, per usual. Just like at the other races.”

Isabel kneaded her forehead, seeming beyond stressed. “Well, I did not have this on my bingo card for the season, especially after the whole dick-in-your-hand comment, I’ll tell you that much. But if everyone follows the plan we just laid out, I might get through this race weekend without a full-blown international incident on my hands.”

Xander was desperate to lighten the mood at least a little. “You did tell me to stay on Mia’s good side.”

Mia snickered.

Isabel rolled her eyes. “This is not what I meant. And from your standpoint, Xander, the sponsors spend millions each year to have their product or company shown in the very best light. Many of them did not like it when Mia’s criticisms went viral.” Isabel glanced at Mia and raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry if it hurts to hear that, but it’s the truth.”

“I understand,” Mia said.

“But a lot of that has faded away,” Xander said. “She’s been much nicer of late.” He and Mia shared a knowing smile.

“Which will of course raise the question, why?” Isabel asked.

“My race performance has improved,” Xander said, perhaps a bit too optimistically.

“That’s too logical an answer, I’m afraid. That’s not the way the world works. If there’s even a hint of controversy, the press will blow it up, just so they can get the public to care. And once that’s happened, it’s game over. It’ll become impossible to control the story. People will say whatever they want to.”

“Hence keeping a low profile this weekend,” Mia said.

“Precisely.” Isabel’s phone beeped with a text and she fished it out of her pocket. “Shoot. I need to go, but please stay out of trouble this weekend, you two. And Xander, I’ll see you at the team meeting shortly.”

“Yes. Thank you.” Xander plopped down on the bench as soon as Isabel was gone. “Bloody hell. Why does the world have to be like this?”

Mia eased in next to him. “I don’t know. It just is.”

“You were right about the whole thing. And although I agreed, I was minimizing it. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry if I was delusional in inviting you.”

Mia looked down at her lap, picking at a fingernail. “Why did you invite me, Xander? Why did you invite me to En-gland? And Austria? I don’t feel like it was just for sex.”

He hadn’t expected to be confronted by this question, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to answer it, but one thing came to mind that might help him illustrate his thinking. “Remember when we were in Monza and I ignored you?”

“How could I forget?”

He turned to face her. “I did it on purpose. It was more than staying focused. I was afraid of getting close to you. Something told me you would pull me in. And I was right.”

The sweetest smile crossed Mia’s face. “Go on…”

He cleared his throat, hoping he could come across as eloquent and composed, while also staying true to himself. “Well, here’s the thing. You could’ve raised holy hell with Isabel or made a scene in the paddock or taken to your podcast and roasted me. But you didn’t. Instead, you found Isabel and you wished me good luck.”

“I can be a bit of a pushover…”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying you were respectful of my situation and what I’m going through. And that was thoroughly unexpected.”

“I guess I’m also a bit of a contradiction.”

“But that’s what I appreciate so much about you. You’re your own person. You think for yourself. And although you can be quiet and very chill, you can also be loud and bold. I admire that. You’re multifaceted.”

“I probably don’t deserve such a rave review, but thank you. That’s so generous of you to say.”

“And I feel like you’ve been generous with me. With your time and your advice. And your friendship. It means a lot to me. You calm me, Mia. You poke holes in every argument I make against myself and help me see how wrong I can be.” He laughed quietly to himself. “I mean, sometimes you piss me off, but then you calm me again.”

“That’s the rush of dopamine to your brain after an orgasm. I’m not sure that goes in the category of generosity.”

He leaned closer and kissed her softly. “Oh. But it does.”

* * *

Just as Mia had promised, she kept her head down and managed to avoid anyone taking note of her presence during the Austrian Grand Prix. It had been quite difficult during qualifying because Xander qualified P6, his highest position of the season, and two spots ahead of Dirk. Mia had to dig her hand into her palm when she watched Xander cross the finish line and a few seconds later, his high-flying finish became official.

Hours later, Xander was in rare form back at the motorhome, plopping her down on the bed, peeling back her jeans and going down on her. He gave her two orgasms before he fucked her. Mia told him to pace himself, but he didn’t seem interested.

Now to see whether all that sex would help him or hurt him in today’s race…

* * *

Xander breezed into the Mega garage. Finally, things were coming together. Mia was there and he was driving better than ever.

“I suppose you think you’re hot shit, Bishop,” Dirk said as he zipped up his race suit.

Xander glanced around the garage, wondering if he’d missed something. “Nope. I don’t.”

“Bullshit. Just admit it.”

“What are you going on about?”

“Qualifying better than me does not make you a better driver. My setup was all wrong yesterday.”

“Okay… Talk to the team about it. I have nothing to do with that.”

“Don’t try to play mind games with me. It won’t work.”

Xander didn’t know how to respond anymore.

I’m not playing mind games, you bloody git.

“How about this? How about neither of us play mind games for the rest of the season and we just try to be supportive of each other as teammates.”

Dirk grabbed his helmet. “I don’t think so. Nice try.”

Xander couldn’t even be bothered to be annoyed anymore. He couldn’t even be bothered to tell Dirk to go fuck himself.

* * *

Mia was thankful it was a beautiful sunny day without a cloud in the sky. This circuit was notorious for rain, fog and all sorts of bad weather. She didn’t want anything to get in the way of Xander having a fantastic race.

She stood at the railing on the viewing balcony, watching intently as the last of the cars took their places on the grid. Xander was right beneath her. Did he know she was watching and silently cheering him on? Her heart did a little flip in the center of her chest at the thought. She hoped he knew she had her eyes trained right on him.

* * *

From the moment the lights went out, Xander zoomed ahead like it was nothing. He felt like his old self, but better. Looking ahead, just as Mia had said. Charles felt fantastic—the balance was perfect. The engine roared with all the ferocity Xander wanted. He gripped the steering wheel, relishing the sheer joy of racing. Of going fast. So very fast. Swooping and diving and cutting in the most effortless way. Lap after lap, it was nothing but fun.

He completed another lap, seeing from the team’s marker that there were only three more left in the race. It had gone by in the blink of an eye. And he’d managed to hold on to sixth place with no sign of anyone threatening to pass from behind. Finally…a bit more redemption.

* * *

“Come on, come on,” Mia muttered.

It wasn’t that she was nervous. Xander’d had a fairly uneventful, competent race. Unless something disastrous happened in the closing laps, he was golden. Still, she knew this sport. Bad things happened in the blink of an eye. A tire puncture. A crash from a driver who let his focus lapse for a split second. A late safety car. Anything was possible. And she wanted this for him more than anything—a glimmer of the success he’d worked so hard for.

* * *

Xander flew across the finish line.

“That’s P6, Xander,” his race engineer said. “Well done. Started in sixth. Ended in sixth. Can’t ask for much more than that.”

“Yes! Brilliant! Thanks to everyone for the incredible work this weekend. Super happy with that.”

He continued with his cool-down lap, taking in a deep breath and savoring the moment. He knew it wouldn’t last. The truth was that this was progress, but it wasn’t everything he wanted. It wasn’t a statement or a declaration about where he wanted to be. It wasn’t a podium. It wasn’t a win.

And now that things had improved, he had to wonder if he had it in him to pull off such a feat.

* * *

Mia rushed down from the paddock club, trying to figure out her next best move. She wanted to congratulate Xander, who’d be coming out of the garage sometime soon. But she also needed to lie low. Not make it obvious they were a thing.

“Mia. Mia Neal,” Claudia Simon called from a few feet away, waving. “Can I get a minute with you before the drivers come into the media pen?”

If Claudia hadn’t specifically said Mia’s last name, she would’ve been doubting Claudia meant to talk to her.

“Do you need me to check if you have something in your teeth before you go on air? Because from where I’m sitting, you look perfect.”

Claudia’s eyes went wide as saucers. “I was hoping to interview you.”

“Me?” Mia refrained from asking the follow-up questions—Why? Now? And why again?

“Yes. I’m sure our viewers would love to hear from an influencer like you.”

There was that word again—the one that made her both happy and a little sick.

“Oh. Okay.” Palms sweaty and forehead clammy, Mia stepped next to Claudia. “Just tell me what to do.”

“You’re great. Stand right there and I’ll ask you a few questions. Easy peasy. We’ll be live again in a few seconds.” She turned to her cameraman, who pointed at her a heartbeat or two later. “For the audience at home, I’m with Mia Neal, host of the popular Formula One fan podcast called Not So Quick .”

Mia leaned into the microphone. “Actually, it’s called Not So Fast .”

Claudia laughed quietly. “My apologies. Not So Fast. Now, you rose in popularity after you were quite vocal in your criticism of Xander Bishop, but aside from the crash in Monaco, his season seems to be turning around. He had a P6 finish today, two positions ahead of his teammate, which is a fantastic result for him. What are your thoughts about the strides he’s made?”

Mia not only hadn’t expected to be interviewed by Claudia Simon today, she also hadn’t expected a Xander question from the word go.

“I think it’s great. I was quite critical of him, but I’ve never wanted anything but for Xander to do well. He’s a brilliant driver. I’m happy to see him performing on track.”

Mia was hella proud of herself for such an eloquent string of words, but then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Reginald Huff stepping into view. Now she was nervous again.

“Do you think your criticism played a role in Xander’s turnaround?” Claudia asked as Reginald lurked.

“I’m not the only one who was critical.”

“Of course not. You just happened to do it in the most colorful way. Most drivers would do anything to make a podcaster stop saying the things you said about Xander.”

Mia winced. Would her viral moment ever stop feeling so cringey?

“I’m sure it all came down to Xander and his relationship with the car.” She was desperate to steer the conversation to a broader topic, away from the focus on Xander, especially with Reginald in such close proximity. “I don’t get the impression that any of the drivers pay much attention to my podcast or any other.”

“I don’t know about that,” Claudia said. “I interviewed Emilio Baquero today and he had a Not So Fast patch on his backpack.”

“Are you serious?” Mia blurted before she realized it wasn’t the most professional of responses, but she was proud of herself for not spouting the things actually going through her head.

Holy shit. That’s cuckoo banana pants.

“He mentioned that he really enjoyed his chat with you at Monza.”

Just when Mia was floored, Claudia came out with another detail that made her even more so. “That is so lovely to hear.”

“Now, just a few more questions before we head to the media pen to interview the drivers. Tell me your predictions for the rest of the season.”

How Mia wished she’d had time to prepare. “Well, I don’t see anyone beating Emilio in the Drivers’ Championship. He’s in top form and the Vermillion car is only getting better. The upgrades they brought to Monza continue to pay dividends. With Florian a very close number two, Vermillion will come out on top in the Constructors’ Championship. After that, I think Kenji will end up at number three in the Drivers’, which will mean a coveted second place team finish for Cyclone Green Dragon. That’ll be a big accomplishment for them. They’ve never finished higher than fourth in the Constructors’.”

“And how do you think things will play out at Mega Racing? Will Xander keep his seat? Will Dirk sign a contract extension?”

Just then, Xander came out of the Mega Racing garage. With everything going on, Mia was shocked she’d noticed, but even more astounding amid the hubbub of the paddock was that Xander looked right at her. She searched for the excitement of his sixth-place finish in his eyes, but didn’t see it. What she could see were the wrinkles in his forehead and a look of eagerness to talk to her. Did Claudia have them figured out? And exactly how much attention was Reginald Huff paying to any of this?

“Yes to both. Xander’s season will continue on an upward trajectory, he will absolutely keep his seat and Dirk will re-up. I predict stability and good things for Mega.”

“You’ve heard it here first,” Claudia said. “Thanks to Mia Neal for chatting with us today.”

“And we’re out,” the cameraman said.

“That was wonderful, Mia. Honestly, have you ever thought about television? Commentary about F1 perhaps? We need more women in the sport, and we’re always looking for new talent.”

That was as much out of left field as Claudia’s request for an interview in the first place. “I do have a degree in journalism.”

“Even better. You have my card, right?”

“I do.” Mia said goodbye to Claudia, somewhat stunned. She scanned the paddock for Xander, but he’d disappeared.

Surely he’d gone off to do his stint in the media pen. Mia had to think hard about her next move—stand outside the media area and wait for Xander to emerge? Or go straight to the motorhome and wait for him there? Making her choice exponentially more difficult—Reginald was making a beeline for her. What was he up to? What was his fixation on her? She knew the answer to neither of those questions. She only knew she had to get out of there.

She slipped on her sunglasses to be as incognito as possible and began winding her way through the throng of people. The crowd was growing now that the race was over. Her height was not helping. She couldn’t see shit. And she kept running into people.

Suddenly, there was a tap on her shoulder. “Ms. Neal. Can we chat?”

Mia’s stomach turned at the sound of Reginald’s voice, but she knew it was unwise to piss him off, so she faced him and forced herself to smile. “I’m in a bit of a rush, actually.”

“Where are you off to? Back to the motorhomes?”

Mia’s heart sank. Had that worm of a man figured her out? Even if he hadn’t, she had to get rid of him. “Looking for a bathroom. I have my period.”

Reginald stepped back. “Uh…”

“Any more personal info you require from me, Mr. Huff? If not, I’ll be going now.”

She hustled off before he could say anything else, but of course that meant she couldn’t head in the direction of the motorhomes, at least not right away, so she circled back, ducked into the Mega Racing hospitality and used the bathroom.

A half hour later, she was back in the relative safety of Xander’s trailer. She checked her socials to pass the time until he returned.

Right away she saw Cloud Sports had done a post with a clip of her interview and tagged her. Mia winced a bit watching herself doing the interview. It wasn’t because Claudia was tall and willowy, and Mia was not. The truth of Mia’s absolute center was that she enjoyed being in the background. She was accustomed to that space, which was why podcasting suited her so well.

Soldiering through the clip, she felt pretty good by the end about the things she’d said. She was knowledgeable about the sport and she sounded so. Now, to see what everyone else thought. As she scrolled through the comments, she unfortunately ran across a few unkind things.

What happened to Mia Neal? She used to be one of us. Now she’s going to every race as an “influencer”? And doing interviews with Claudia Simon? I’m done.

No wonder Mia Neal is going soft on the drivers. She’s in the inner circle. Bye bye, Not So Fast. It was fun while it lasted.

Gah! No! Mia used to be cool. This is so corporate. What’s next? Hanging out on a yacht in Monaco?

Mia grumbled under her breath. This was what was really starting to annoy her about her place in this sport. F1 was built on glamour and excitement, all polished to a fine sheen, but still people expected her to be relatable. To get close but not too close. They loved that she had access, but they didn’t seem to want it to become a regular thing. Would she be receiving this type of criticism if she were a man? Or…wait for it…an actress or a model? Someone who looked like they were part of this world? Something told her no one would think twice about it if that were the case. The idea infuriated her. And honestly, it only made her want to try harder to reach new heights. Maybe she should contact Claudia about that job.

To make things worse, she got a text from Heather.

I saw you did a live interview with Claudia Simon. I didn’t know you were in Austria! I wish you had told me. I could share it with the fan club. They love knowing these things about you!

My bad. I’ll let you know next time I go to a race, okay?

Awesome. Also, some people are being trollish about your interview. I thought it was fine. I’ll keep an eye on things and definitely hide any ugly comments on your account.

Mia hated that it was necessary, but she was thankful for Heather.

Thank you. You’re the best.

Xander opened the door and Mia hopped up from her seat, casting her phone aside. “You were so amazing today.” She threw her arms around him. “Congratulations. I’m so proud of you.”

He hugged her and picked her up for a moment, then kissed her forehead. “Was I amazing? Really? Or did I do the bare minimum to hold on to a halfway decent qualifying?”

“What? Are you disappointed in the finish?”

He took off his baseball hat and tossed it on the small kitchen table, then slumped down on one of the bench seats. “I know I shouldn’t be. I would’ve killed to be sixth at any other race this season. But it’s not that hard to overtake on this circuit. I just couldn’t find my opportunity and I was worried about managing my tires, so I played it safe. And now I wish I’d taken a few more chances.”

Mia sat next to him. “There’s nothing wrong with delivering a solid result for your team. You finished in the points, which is all anyone can ask of you. And you beat Dirk. That’s got to feel good.”

“He was really pissed earlier. He told me to stop playing mind games with him.”

“If only he knew he was your childhood idol.”

“That shall remain a secret forever, thank you very much.”

Mia took his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I’m really proud of you. I hope that counts for something.”

Xander put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer. “It does count. And I want you to know that having you here makes these weekends much more fun.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

“Oh. Wait.” He sat up and faced her. “I saw you talking to Claudia Simon in front of a camera. Did you do an on-air interview with her?”

“I did. Cloud Sports has already aired it.”

“That’s fantastic. What did you talk about?”

“You. F1. My podcast. The usual.”

“Bloody hell. That’s brilliant. Good for you. You’re going places. I tell you.” He shook his head in disbelief, but he was smiling wide. It felt like the sun was shining right on her, which was a pleasant distraction from the sting of hateful social media comments.

“Yeah, well, my fans hate me for it. Some of them at least.” Mia picked up her phone and showed the posts to Xander. “Look.”

“Wankers. The whole lot. They’re just jealous. That’s all that is.”

Mia blew out a cleansing breath. “It pisses me off. Why does everyone think they’re entitled to police me?”

Xander cocked one expressive eyebrow at her. “Welcome to my world. Everyone has an opinion and they’re dying to share it.”

Her gaze was instantly drawn to his. “Like my opinion of you a few months ago?”

He smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “I suppose so.”

“One thing to be grateful for is that the internet has basically exploded with the news of Florian and his new girlfriend. So maybe that gave us a reprieve this weekend?”

“I think you might be right. Does that make you more or less likely to say yes when I ask you to stay one more week for Silverstone?”

Mia had wondered if that invitation might be coming. She was thrilled at the prospect. She’d always wanted to attend that race, plus it meant more time with Xander. But even that last part came with a little too much uncertainty—she was attached to him already and just like the situation with her career, she had reason to be optimistic, but there were zero guarantees. “I think I can make that work. I’ll need to record more podcast episodes at your house, of course.”

“Whatever you need.”

“And I’ll need to do laundry.”

“We can make that happen.” He leaned in and kissed her softly. “That’s a good idea, anyway. You’ll want to be presentable when I take you to meet my family.”

“Your family?”

“Well, yeah. We’ve been doing everything else together, we might as well really take the plunge.”