Page 14

What is something you need to let go of? Why?

Apparently, I need to let go of the cringey feelings I have when I see myself in a photo. Because Xander and I are on the front page of The Daily Reflection. The front page. With the headline “Snogging at Silverstone.” A year ago, I would’ve killed for this kind of exposure. I also would’ve been cheering myself on for making out with the hottest driver in F1. Still, I never wanted things to play out like this. I love him. He loves me. The news of our relationship should not have come out in such a public way, with zero say from either of us. Then again, it was my choice to keep the secret. I put my podcast first. And now that all might backfire.

A cross the kitchen, the teakettle whistled. Xander poured the steaming water into two mugs and brought them over to Mia, who sat on the other side of the island. Her suitcases were parked at the front door. They needed to depart for Heathrow in less than an hour. Leaving was the other thing she was freaking out about, but she couldn’t multitask right now. Her brain and heart couldn’t process this much information at one time.

“It’ll blow over. I promise,” Xander said.

How charmingly naive was he? Not that charming, actually. It was driving Mia nuts that he was so calm.

“Doesn’t it make you mad? You came in second yesterday and this is what people are talking about? It’s not fair to you. You’ve worked so hard.”

“Of course it isn’t fair. It’s bloody rubbish. But this is the UK press and there’s nothing anyone can do. Other than perhaps give Reginald Huff a black eye.”

“Violence is never the answer.”

He cocked his head to one side and narrowed his stare. “Is that really true? In all cases?”

Mia shook her head and returned her focus to the paper. “How do you look so amazing in these photos? I look like the creature from the Black Lagoon trying to consume your face.” She flipped the paper back to the front page. Her stomach lurched. There she was with Xander in the ultimate paddock clutch pose, as they kissed each other into oblivion, Mia going for the gold with her tongue. “My mother is going to have kittens. An entire litter of fucking adorable kittens that I will have to raise. And you know they’ll all live to be twenty.”

“So you’re saying she won’t be happy.” Xander came up behind her and wrapped her up in his ridiculously long arms, kissed the side of her head, then rested his chin on her shoulder. It was enough to settle her pulse rate.

“Why would she be? What mom wants a photo like this of their daughter on the front page of a British newspaper?”

“It’s not a newspaper. It’s the lining for a parakeet cage. And blame it on me. I was totally caught up in the moment and you were looking so hot, I had to get some while the getting was so very good. Plus, maybe she won’t even see it.”

She turned her head and stared him right in the eye. “My mother prides herself on consuming all kinds of news. As much of it as humanly possible. It’s only a matter of time.”

Xander slid onto the bar stool next to Mia and took her hand. “This is really bothering you, isn’t it? I can hear it in your voice.”

“Everything is falling apart and it’ll just get worse once everyone in the States wakes up and sees this. It’s only a matter of time before I get a horrible text from Heather, the woman who runs the fan club. I can’t even look at social media right now. The things people are saying are so terrible. I’m really worried about the podcast.”

She could tell from the look on his face that he wanted to roll his eyes. “Don’t you think this could ultimately be a good thing? Millions of people are going to see those photos and know who you are.”

“This isn’t exactly the first impression I hoped to make. A lot of F1 fans have suspected this for a while now, but now they’ll know for sure that our relationship was the reason I went soft on you. Everything I’ve built does not look good through that lens.”

A deep furrow formed between his eyes. “My season has also turned around. That’s a good reason for not saying shit about me.”

“Of course it is,” she grumbled and stared off. “But I still have to find a way to explain myself that doesn’t burn everything I’ve built to the ground.”

“What are you going to say?”

“That we’re friends and we were caught up in the excitement of your podium finish?”

“Seems like we’re more than friends. My tongue is down your throat.”

“I don’t suppose I can get away with saying it’s because you’re British and everyone knows the English are notoriously horny? Make it a cultural thing?”

“I’m no expert on public relations, but my gut says that won’t work. I think honesty is the best policy. I say we come clean. We have to.”

Mia couldn’t see her way through this. Everything in her gut was telling her the podcast was toast. Should she have come out with the truth earlier? Or maybe she should’ve just stayed away from Xander entirely? The mere thought made her stomach sour. She didn’t regret Xander. How could she? They’d fallen in love. That alone was a dream come true.

“Look, I understand how you’re feeling,” Xander said. “You’re trying to save the success you built.”

Mia so appreciated his kind words and understanding, but it wasn’t enough to stem the tide of frustration raging in her body.

“I’m not sure you can completely understand this because you’re a driver and I’m not. And you’re a man and I’m a woman. But Formula One is a very male-dominated space and it’s going to be way too easy for everyone to dismiss me as someone who didn’t care about the sport but was just looking to get her hooks into a driver.”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way. Probably because I know it’s not the truth.”

She turned on her bar stool and peered into his amazing eyes. “A lot of people aren’t going to give me the benefit of the doubt.”

“I support you in whatever you need to do to get out of this. Okay?”

Mia scanned his face, wondering how the fuck she managed to get so lucky. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Finish your tea. We don’t want you to miss your flight.”

Mia’s phone beeped with a text and she reluctantly looked at it. The message was from her aunt.

Good for you! It must be genetic.

“Everything okay?” Xander asked.

“Yeah. Just another voice that isn’t being very helpful right now.”

* * *

Xander drove Mia to Heathrow in near silence. Today should have been bittersweet but ultimately wonderful—they’d say their teary goodbye in the wake of his showing at Silverstone. They’d see each other in only a few days, in Austin. They loved each other. Did anything else matter?

He wanted to say no, but he hadn’t planned on bloody Reginald Huff putting them on the front page of The Daily Reflection . He’d tried to play it off back at the house, but the reality was this was a very big deal. He’d had several panicked texts from Isabel. He was to head for an emergency team PR meeting right after he dropped Mia at the airport.

As he pulled into the secret rich person garage and zipped up to the curb, Xander reached over and patted Mia’s leg. “I’ve booked someone to help you with your bags. And you won’t have to go inside to check them. They’ll handle that.” At least he could do that much for her. Everything else about being involved with him made her life so messy.

He looked over and watched as a single tear leaked from the corner of Mia’s eye. She was so sweet. So kind. So heartbreakingly amazing. And she was about to get on a plane, fly away from him. Would I love you be enough to hold them together when it felt like things were falling apart? Good God, he hoped so.

“Thank you,” she croaked as the dam broke and the tears really started to fall.

Xander killed the engine and unhooked his seat belt. “Come here.”

Mia freed herself from her own seat belt and wrapped her arms around him. How he wished there was some simple way for her to climb over the center console of an Aston Martin.

“I don’t even know how to say thank you,” she sobbed. “It’s been…so…amazing.”

He tightened his hold. Clearly, she was beyond stressed. And possibly not thinking straight. He had a pretty good idea now of how her brain worked and he feared she was about to spiral. He wanted to keep things as simple and optimistic as possible.

“I’m going to see you in Austin when I get there on Thursday. It’s only three days.”

“I know. But until then I have to deal with the whole world losing its mind. The photos were just the match thrown on the powder keg.”

He loosened his grip and rubbed the side of her face with his thumb, swiping away the tears. Looking at her now reminded him of what it had felt like to look down and see her gazing up at him while he stood on that podium yesterday. In that unbelievable moment, her mere presence made everything better. He had to find a way to make something better for her.

“Talk to me.”

“It’s nothing. I’ll work it out.”

“Mia… I can see it on your face. It’s not nothing.”

Visions of the night in Monza popped into his head. There in the park, Mia had told him she could see stress taking up residence in his body. Now he saw the same thing in her.

“I managed to destroy the one thing I built in my life, all because I was trying to protect it. You know, people always tell me I’m smart, but right now I feel incredibly stupid.”

“You are not stupid. And you can always shift gears if you need to. The podcast doesn’t have to be the only great thing you do. It’s only proof that you have amazing ideas and can make things happen. People shift gears and make changes in their lives all the time.”

“I’ve spent my whole life doing that. I want to stick to one thing. For once.”

He hated hearing the distress in her voice, but he admired her determination. “You always talk about the jobs you’ve left or careers you’ve pursued as if it’s some sign of a personal shortcoming. What if it isn’t that? What if it’s just that you knew they weren’t right for you?”

“You’re giving me more credit than I deserve.”

Xander sat back a bit, creating distance between them. She wasn’t listening. And she was being unreasonably hard on herself.

“I think you need to decide what you want. What you want more than anything.”

He could see her brain immediately go into overdrive, whirring and tumbling and processing.

“What I want is for everything to not be so complicated. I just want there to be a clear path forward. For the skies to part and for the sun to shine a bright light on an answer. What I really want is impossible. I want to be loved and appreciated… I want to be adored , for being exactly who I am.”

Xander laughed, finding none of this funny. “But you already have that. From me. I love you.”

Her shoulders dropped. “I love you, too. But that’s not exactly what I mean. I’m not talking about romance or a relationship. I’m talking about having a purpose and being appreciated for what I do. Finding my perfect place. I thought I’d found that with the podcast and it’s turned into a nightmare. And unfortunately, it has me wondering if I belong in the world of F1 at all.”

“But that world is my world. So yes, you do belong in it. However you decide to be a part of it.”

She shook her head slowly. “Your world is big and glamorous. And my world is tiny and not like that at all. Do I actually belong in your world?”

He wanted to scream, But I love you , and hope his words could shake her thinking and turn all this around. But she was clearly questioning whether or not they belonged together and he’d be damned if he would convince her. If she didn’t know it in the very core of her being, then it wasn’t right.

“That night with my family, it felt like you belonged in my world.”

“That night with your family was lovely and amazing. But it wasn’t everything.”

“It was something.”

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “This whole thing has happened so fast.”

And there it was. She’d told him, straight up, that she needed time to wrap her head around relationships. He needed to give her that space. It didn’t feel fast to him, but his entire life was built around speed.

“I think you need some time to think. And some space.”

She nodded. “I think you’re right. As scary as that might sound. Because we both know I could win a gold medal in overthinking.”

“It’s the way your beautiful brain works. Let it do its job.” Just then, a man appeared at the curb and nodded at Xander. “Looks like the person is here to take your bags.”

“Okay.”

He climbed out of the car and pulled her bags from the boot. As he set down her suitcases, he knew very well he wasn’t close to being ready to let her go. Frankly, this was a shitty way to say goodbye. But just like so many other things in his life, it was imperfect and deeply flawed and he was learning to accept that.

“I’m just going to say one more thing. Only you can decide what you want. And I don’t want to influence your choices. I think you and I need to wait to talk until I’m in Austin.”

“What? Why? Are you breaking up with me?”

He smiled for an instant. Funnily enough, most of that conversation had felt like she was breaking up with him .

“I know us. We’ll start talking or texting and things will get flirtatious or we’ll joke around, and as much as I love those things, it will just cloud your judgment.”

“But I love it when you cloud my judgment.”

He clasped his hands on either side of her head and looked her straight in the eye. “I’m serious, Mia. You are a strong, independent woman with a brain that is unsurpassed. I want you to use that brain to figure out what you want.”

“This is going to be hard.”

“I know. It’ll be hard for both of us.” He leaned in and pressed the softest kiss on her lips, making a silent wish that it wouldn’t be the last. It couldn’t be the last. His heart would shatter if it was. “But we can do difficult things.”

* * *

Jasmine picked Mia up at the airport.

“If I tell you everything, you’re going to be driving around for seven hours,” Mia said as she climbed into the car.

“I saw the tabloid thing.” Jasmine pulled away from the curb. “I gotta say, you and Xander were going for it. Those photos are hot .”

And Mia’s face was hot right now—with embarrassment. “It’s just such a horrid way for people to find out we’re a couple.”

“So it’s official?”

Mia looked out the window at her beloved hometown. “I don’t even know what that means. We haven’t promised each other anything. And we made a pact to not talk at all while I figure out what to do about Not So Fast .”

“Wow. Brutal.”

“Actually, it was sort of sweet of him to suggest it. I do need to figure this out on my own. There’s just so much stuff to wade through. Things are such a mess right now.”

“I saw some of what people were saying about you online. I spent about an hour telling people to get a life and fuck off, but then I gave up.”

“Well, it’s gotten worse. I made the mistake of taking my phone out of airplane mode and I got a text from Heather, the woman who started my fan club. She made an official statement and wanted me to see it first before she posted it on social.”

“What did it say?”

Mia’s stomach couldn’t even turn sour anymore. She was simply out of stomach acid. As she pulled out her phone, she made the decision to read this piece of bullshit as dispassionately as possible.

“‘Many people have asked me to weigh in on the issue of Mia Neal and Xander Bishop. For the record, at no time did I know they were romantically involved. Technically, Mia did not lie to me, but I believe omission is as bad as lying. She did not tell me the truth. Due to this, and her general unwillingness to communicate with me, I am reluctantly stepping down from my role as president and founder of the Not So Fast fan club effective immediately and will no longer have anything to do with the podcast. I have found so much to love in this community, but Mia has let me down, as well as her fans, and my joy for it is gone.’”

“Oh, my God,” Jasmine groaned. “How much performative bullshit can one person squeeze into a single statement?”

Mia scanned it again. “She feels let down. I did let people down. I let them think I was one thing, when in truth I was becoming another.”

“You are the same person you’ve always been, Mia. You’re still sweet and kind and a good person. You were a voice for the fans, and you can continue to be that. Just because you might not be stuck in the bleachers in Austin like you used to be doesn’t make you less of a fan.”

Mia hadn’t thought about it like that. “I guess that’s true.”

Jasmine shook her head. “It’s amazing how quickly people turn on other people. And Heather’s statement makes me think she wasn’t really in it for the right reasons. You got into this for the right reasons. You love F1 and you funneled that into Not So Fast . End of story.”

Mia let out a relieved sigh. “Thank you. That makes me feel a lot better.”

“Also, if you need someone to run your fan club, I can do it. Until you find someone else.”

“Do I even need a freaking fan club? I’m not sure I do.” She turned back to Jasmine. “Right now, I’m still not sure I want to keep doing the podcast.”

“Please don’t quit, Mia. People love it. People love you.”

“That’s really kind of you to say, but I’m just not sure it’s worth it. But of course, that just brings up the obvious question of what I should do with my life, and nobody wants to deal with that.”

“You’re not wrong, Mia. I love you, but this does seem to be a persistent issue.”

“Which is why I have decided to tackle a completely different problem in my life. I’m having my mom over tomorrow night so I can finally have it out with her.” They had to find a way to come to some understanding. Mia couldn’t let things stay the way they were.

“Whoa. That’s no easy thing.”

“Everything in my life is a mess right now. Might as well really get down in the dirt.”

“Do you need me to come over and referee? I watch a lot of reality TV. I get very invested in other people’s conflicts.”

It was tempting, but this was a Mom-and-Mia problem. Jasmine would only prompt her mom to be on her best behavior and possibly pour Mia too many glasses of wine.

“I love you, but some things I need to do on my own.”

Jasmine dropped Mia off, and Mia was immediately hit with a sense of urgency when she walked in the door of her apartment. She knew her own silence in the midst of her personal crisis was probably making things worse. She wasn’t ready to record a full episode of Not So Fast , but she had to upload something. So she wrote up a quick script and went to work.

“The Silverstone Grand Prix was one for the record books, but after a long day of travel back to Austin, I’m not quite ready to record my complete episode on the race. Plus, I realize many of you are disappointed in me. You might believe I’m not the person you thought I was. And I understand that disappointment. I do. And I’m sorry. If I could go back and make some changes, I would. But I can’t. I can only look forward. And with that in mind, I’ll be recording my Silverstone wrap-up from the Austin Grand Prix meet-up I planned a month or so ago, which takes place this Wednesday at Arena Ale in Austin. I have no idea how many of you will still come, but I hope you will, because I will also make an announcement about the future of the podcast, as well as offer further explanation about what exactly happened when I went to England. Until then, you’re listening to Mia Neal and Not So Fast .”

Mia pressed the stop button on the recorder. She could listen to it again and refine it or try a second take, but she was so tired of second-guessing herself and her own voice. It felt right while she was recording. That was enough. So she brought up the file on her computer, did a bit of audio magic and uploaded the episode. Then she sought the sweet relief of sleep.