Page 8 of New Year (Reconstruction #3)

CHAPTER SIX

Zack loved watching Nat open up during his second week living with him, sharing meals with him, and even spending their occasional bit of leisure time watching movies together. Zack rarely had off nights, but Chase didn’t often need help until around lunchtime, which gave them some mornings to chill at Zack’s place.

Nat still didn’t talk about himself much, and he skirted around serious topics, which didn’t offend Zack in the slightest. Nat hadn’t done a single thing to lose Zack’s trust, so Zack sat on his curiosity and didn’t press.

Well, he didn’t press Nat. The restaurant industry in Reynolds was a somewhat insular bunch, especially those who’d been around for a long time. While Zack didn’t fit into that category, Chase did. And Shelton had also worked in multiple restaurants around the city. So had some of River Bistro’s other servers. It didn’t take a lot of sleuthing to learn Nat used to have an on-again, off-again boyfriend that several of the former Tim’s staff hadn’t liked the few times they’d met him. Nat had also had a brief fling with an older man last year, a Tim’s regular named Angelo Voltini.

Zack had searched the name online and been impressed, not only by how insanely handsome Angelo was, but that he appeared to be very successful in his field. Not to mention, he’d also been at Tim’s the night it blew up. Zack still inwardly flinched whenever he thought of Nat caught in such a dangerous, traumatic event.

Nat could have died that night, and Zack never would have had a chance to meet the kind, wounded, tenacious soul that he was.

Zack’s questions had stopped there. He didn’t bother calling the Mahers to ask about Nat, because he’d have to lie about why he wanted to know. He wasn’t hiring Nat, and no one with any integrity gossiped about their former employees with someone out of mild curiosity. Not saying Zack had never gossiped with other managers about problem employees, but not during an out-of-the-blue phone call with someone he’d never met before.

He did hear about Tim’s grand reopening on the twenty-first, and he waited all week for Nat to say something. But he didn’t. He worked for Chase during the day, sometimes driving him over to River Bistro so Chase could spend time in the office, or at one of the tables in the Mediterranean Villa room with his tablet. Existing with his employees and customers for a few hours. Chase may have trouble picking up a glass with one hand, but he could still hold long conversations with wit and vigor.

While Chase was in the restaurant, Nat’s time was his own. Sometimes, he hunkered down in a corner of the office to read. Other times, he left and came back when Chase called him for a ride home. Nat impressed the hell out of Zack by refusing comped meals. River Bistro had exceptional food, but Nat didn’t want favors or freebies. He didn’t want to owe Zack any more than the small figures on Zack’s tally sheet for things like laundry.

Late Wednesday afternoon, just before their first dinner seating, Chase and Zack were at the bar, going over a possible new appetizer for July. Mostly, they sketched the plate on a notepad and argued about individual artichoke leaf placements, their pencils battling it out on the page. All in good fun, but also both determined to be right.

Bull-headed stubbornness had been a huge contributor to their breakup.

A throat cleared hard behind them, a familiar sound that tried to be loud without being intrusive. Zack turned and smiled at Nat, who’d returned from wherever he’d gone today while Chase worked. “Time to go home?” Nat asked Chase.

“Yep, as soon as our takeout is ready,” Chase replied. “I can’t say no when the almond-crusted salmon is on the menu, and you aren’t saying no, either. You aren’t eating a turkey sandwich while I dine on this delectable fish with baked fennel.”

Nat scowled at Chase then huffed. “Fine. I don’t think I know what fennel is, but I’ll try it.”

Zack hid a flinch as Nat accepted free food from Chase but not from him. Then again, when they got home Nat might insist Chase dock it from today’s pay.

Kaylee came into the bar area with a paper bag and handed it to Nat. “Enjoy, you two. Good night, Chef,” she said to Chase.

“Good night, Kaylee,” he replied. “Good shift tonight.”

“Won’t let you down.”

Chase leaned heavily on his cane as the pair left. Zack stood at the front door and watched them until they’d turned the corner to the private parking lot. Chase had received his handicap tag yesterday, and he’d finally agreed to park in the lot whenever possible. It also weighed down Zack’s chest with a heavy blanket of grief.

Grief he could think about another time. He had a dinner service to run.

* * *

They had two reservation cancellations that night, one at eight and the other at eight-fifteen, which slowed the kitchen down long enough for Zack to fire a simple steak and baked potato for himself. He’d only eaten half when a minor emergency required his attention, and he never got back to the meal.

Normally, he’d scrape the plate, but after his experience saving scraps for a homeless guy one of his waiters knew, Zack packed up the leftovers and took them when he left. Driving around at eleven p.m., hoping to find a homeless person who’d want a half-eaten steak and a baked potato was idiotic, so he went home. Maybe he could make a simple breakfast hash out of them tomorrow morning.

He let himself into the apartment and set the alarm code. Only the light in the bathroom glowed faintly out of his bedroom door. Nat was in the habit of leaving that on for Zack when he worked late and Nat didn’t stay up. Zack smiled at the long lump on his sofa bed, a very welcome presence after too much time alone.

He liked having Nat here.

With his leftovers safely stored, Zack poured a glass of water and crept across the living room to his bedroom. Well, his intention was to creep straight there, but he paused by the side of the sofa bed. Nat was turned away, covers drawn up to his chin, features barely discernible in the dimness.

So innocent in sleep. So pretty.

And so very much off limits.

Zack went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. He flicked on the dim nightlight he’d bought in case Nat had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. The apartment was never pitch black, but he didn’t want him to stub a toe or run into Zack’s dresser. He froze turning down his comforter when a noise from the living room pierced the silence. A sharp, brief noise. He waited, unsure if he’d imagined it.

It repeated. Twice.

Curious, Zack crept to his bedroom door. The kitchen was straight ahead, the living room to his right, and the sofa faced his direction. Nat had rolled onto his back. His right arm was trapped beneath the covers, and his left hand was clenching the top blanket. His head jerked to the left at the same time as he released another of those sounds. A begging yelp that broke Zack’s heart.

Nightmare.

Another terrified whimper unstuck Zack’s gears. He eased onto the edge of the sofa bed and reached for Nat’s shoulder. Gave it a hard squeeze. “Nat, wake up.”

Nat released a garbled, shrieking protest. His left arm swung, and Zack couldn’t dodge the fist that slammed into the corner of his chin. He let go of Nat and bounced down the bed, out of reach, chin smarting. Nat yelled something unintelligible as he scrambled up and to the corner of the sofa bed, huddling and shaking like a startled puppy scared of its abusive master.

Zack tried to hunch so he seemed less threatening, completely out of his comfort zone here. He could comfort a sub coming down from an intense scene. He knew how to handle sub drop. He had no idea what to do with someone who’d just come out of a near-screaming nightmare.

“Nat? Nathaniel? It’s Zack.”

Nat stopped shaking but didn’t uncurl his body.

He could work with that. “Hey, it’s Zack. You’re safe, okay? It was just a nightmare.” Everything in Zack wanted to reach out and tuck Nat up against his body, to wrap Nat in his arms and hold him until the horrors in his mind left him alone. But he didn’t dare, not with Nat still curled up in a defensive ball.

Nat needed to reach for him first.

“Nat, it’s Zack Matteson. You’re in my house in Reynolds. You sleep on my sofa bed, and you work for Chase Sampson. Remember? You’re safe.”

Nat mumbled a single word that could have been “Zack” as much as “fuck.” His tightly coiled body loosened by degrees, until he was sitting on his butt, arms curled around bent knees. His head finally raised, face red and creased, chin trembling, but his gaze stayed low. “Hey,” he breathed more than he spoke.

“Hey. You with me, Nat?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, it was just a nightmare.”

“Some fucking nightmare.” Zack scooted a few inches up the bed, attention on Nat’s face, but Nat wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Nat?”

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“I hadn’t gone to bed yet. I heard you and decided to wake you up.”

“Thanks.” Nat finally met his eyes. Zack pulled back on his intense desire to crawl across the bed and hug Nat. To take some of that glowing fear out of his eyes. “It’s nice waking up to a friendly face for a change.”

“I’m glad I was here, and I mean that. Everyone has bad dreams, but not everyone has the kind of screaming nightmare that you wake up from and just need someone to hold onto. To tell you you’re awake and everything is okay.”

“Yeah.” Nat rested his forehead on his folded arms, which obscured his face.

Zack didn’t have enough experience with this to know exactly which course of action to take. Or what was best to say to someone still so clearly affected by a product of their sleeping mind. “I want to be your friend, Nat, so tell me what you need from me right now. How can I make this better?”

His entire body seemed to flinch. “I’m scared to ask.”

“You don’t have to be scared to ask me for something. Have I done anything in the two weeks you’ve lived here to scare you? Or show you can’t trust me?”

“No.” Nat raised his head. His eyes glistened with tears. “Can you, um…can I have a hug?”

Zack’s heart soared with joy over Nat trusting him enough to ask for physical comfort, as well as Nat voicing his needs, when Nat was very much an independent person. “Of course, you can have a hug.” Instead of making Nat come to him, Zack rose and circled the bed to his side. Sat angled toward Nat, left leg on the bed and bent so his ankle was tucked under his right leg. He spread both arms slightly to each side, and waited.

Nat slowly unfolded his long limbs and scooted closer, eyeballing Zack like he was debating the best position. He twisted around, rose up on his knees, and wrapped his arms around Zack’s neck. Zack slid his hands across Nat’s ribs to rest on his back, unsure of this awkward position where their bodies barely touched. Then Nat practically sat on his lap, mashing their bodies together, and pressed his face into Zack’s neck.

Zack’s chest heated, and he cinched his arms tighter around Nat, palms rubbing gentle circles over his thin t-shirt. Nat’s scent filled his nostrils, simple soap and deodorant and a slight tinge of his own personal musk. He could feel Nat’s racing heartbeat against his own, and he hoped it was from the lingering nightmare and no fear of Zack. No fear Zack would read too deeply into this hug and do something awful.

He held on tight and didn’t want to let go.

Nat was not used to anyone being there to wake him from a nightmare, much less offer comfort afterward. He’d suffered from horrible, traumatic nightmares since he was a child, and surviving Austin had only made them worse. Austin had often made fun of Nat for thrashing in his sleep, and sometimes even kicked him out of bed for disturbing Austin’s rest. He’d never wanted to listen, comfort or console. The horrors in Nat’s head never mattered to Austin.

They mattered to Zack.

Nat had collapsed under the weight of his own misery and fear and need for simple human contact, and he couldn’t let Zack go. He absorbed the strength radiating from the older man and soaked in the affection behind the embrace. It was everything he’d ever wanted, and absolutely everything he needed in that moment.

They sat together for a long time, Zack’s hands gently petting, his breathing a steady cadence that helped Nat relax. Truly relax for the first time in ages. And to trust that he was safe here. Safe enough to let his guard down a little.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for being someone I can trust. I haven’t had that in a long fucking time.”

“It’s my pleasure, Nat. Friends take care of each other.”

“Yeah.”

“And I hate to be that person, but my leg is falling asleep.”

Nat yelped softly and climbed off Zack’s lap. Zack scooted farther onto the bed, so he could untuck his left leg and stretch it out straight in front of him. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. The pins and needles are absolutely worth it.” Zack’s gentle smile reinforced his words. “Did it help?”

“The hug? So much.” Nat wanted to crawl closer and wrap himself back up in Zack’s strong, comforting arms. He also didn’t want to take advantage of Zack’s generous nature, or to cause ill will between them. “I hate those nightmares.”

“Do you have the same one?”

“Mostly. I think some of the details change, but it’s mostly the same dream. Nightmare, whatever.”

“Would you like to tell me about it? The nightmare?”

Nat grabbed a pillow and hugged it close to his chest, needing that pressure. Needing the simulation of a hug while he sorted through his tumbling thoughts. So far, Zack had been insanely respectful of Nat’s limits, never prying into his past or his many demons. And this wasn’t prying, but there were a fuck ton of demons in Nat’s past. Not just Austin and the many men Nat had experienced because of Austin, but also Nat’s childhood.

His mother.

Nat’s heart started pounding so hard he expected Zack to hear its rising volume. “The premise that I can remember is me in a hospital bed. I’m strapped down, can’t move. There’s this tube that goes right into my stomach to feed me.” He licked his dry lips but had little spit to wet them with. “Then a nurse comes in wearing a mask over their mouth. I can’t really tell who they are. They inject something into the tube. It burns my stomach. Then my chest. Then my whole body. I’m convulsing and begging them do something, to fix it, but they don’t.”

Nat rubbed at his stinging eyes, then looked at Zack. “They start laughing like it’s a great big joke. And then they pull the mask down so I see who they are.”

When Nat didn’t continue for a long, painful time, the words stuck in his clogged throat, Zack asked, “Who is it usually?”

“My mother.”

Zack’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “Your mother?”

“Yeah.” He snuffled hard and tried to chase those hot tears away. “We had a…complicated relationship, and she hasn’t been in my life for a long time. But sometimes, in the nightmare, it’s been other guys who’ve mistreated me.” Once he’d had the nightmare and it was nothing but flames beneath the mask, as if the exploding boiler was haunting him in his dreams. But that wasn’t important.

“Who was behind the mask tonight?” Zack asked, so softly Nat might not have heard him if he hadn’t been looking directly at him.

“The john from the alley that night. The night you rescued me.” Nat couldn’t stop staring at Zack’s lips. Lips that spoke so eloquently in the daytime but appeared so tantalizing in the night. In the dark, when they were simply two men with needs. Nat needed a gentle hand, a gentle spirit. He needed kindness.

He also needed stability and to get his life back on track, damn it. He couldn’t risk his place here to satisfy his inappropriate attraction to his roommate/landlord.

Zack leaned in, lips parted, his eyes so intensely focused Nat was drawn in, like a moth to a flame. Or a man intensely attracted to the man in front of him, and who wanted to claim him in the first, intimate way given to him.

Nat craved a kiss from Zack.

He feared it just as much. Nat broke eye contact and leaned back. “Thank you for rescuing me. Your friendship and kindness means the absolute world to me, Zack. I don’t wanna do anything to risk losing it.”

Zack reached out and briefly squeezed his knee. “I could make you all kinds of promises about never losing my friendship, or never kicking you out if we started something that went sour. But I can’t make you believe those promises. I value our friendship, too, Nat. I don’t want to endanger that friendship, either.” He scooted another twelve inches away. “Do you want to keep talking? Or are you okay to go back to sleep?”

The kindness in Zack’s expressive eyes kept the dismissal from feeling hurtful or abrupt. Zack was simply abiding by Nat’s wishes and backing off, when it would be so easy to launch across the bed and pin Nat down. He could overpower Nat easily, and as much as Nat wanted to trust Zack wouldn’t do that, trust Zack would stop if a kiss started going too far…

He didn’t. His trust over intimacy had been broken too many fucking times.

“I’m sorry,” Nat said.

“Don’t apologize. I didn’t bring you into my home just to bide my time until you agreed to have sex with me. That’s not who I am. If I want sex, I know how to go find a willing partner. But you’re still getting to know me. One day, I hope I can prove to you that you can trust me.”

“I do trust you about certain things.”

“But intimacy is your limit.”

“Yes.”

“And I accept that. We had a moment tonight, but that’s all it needs to be. A moment. Tomorrow, we’re exactly what we were an hour ago. Friends and roommates.”

Nat wasn’t entirely sure that was what he wanted. No, it definitely wasn’t what he wanted. But right now, it was what he needed . “Friends and roommates.”

“Exactly. You also didn’t answer my question.”

“Um?” Nat rewound the conversation in his head, but it was the middle of the night, and he’d nearly leaned in to kiss the insanely hot, available man in his bed. Everything was upside-down right now.

Zack smiled. “If you want to keep talking more, or go back to sleep?”

“Oh.” Duh. He did enjoy talking to Zack, and certain things were easier to examine in the dark than in the light of day. “I’m honestly not that tired anymore. We can talk some.”

“All right.” Zack shifted around so he was sitting with his legs crossed, giving Nat his direct attention from a respectable distance. “You told me that your relationship with your mother was complicated, and you haven’t seen her in years. I imagine complicated is a massive understatement, if you preferred homelessness over reaching out to her for help.”

Angry wasps buzzed in Nat’s gut at the worst possible conversation topic. He’d have preferred talking about Austin over his mother. But Zack’s sharp observation impressed him. He picked at a piece of lint on his blanket, stalling as he considered his response. “I don’t have a relationship with my mother, and even if I did, I couldn’t have called her for help, because she’s in prison.”

Zack’s hands jerked, and his eyebrows shot up. “I can safely say I was not expecting that. Was she, ah, guilty?”

“Oh yeah, she was guilty. She pled guilty, so there wasn’t a trial. As soon as I turned eighteen, I changed my name and left Louisville. Came here to be anonymous and start over. It, uh…things haven’t been going completely to plan.”

“I’ve been in the business world long enough to know that plans, even those best laid, often go awry. Sometimes, we do our very best, and the results are still opposite what we’d hoped for. You did start over, though, Nat. Not everyone would have the stones to move to a brand-new city where you don’t know a single person. And I know we’re new friends, but I get the feeling that if you hadn’t met this person you don’t wish to find you? You’d be happy with the life you’d built.”

“He’s my ex. In case I haven’t been specific enough.”

“I kind of assumed that, but thank you for clarifying. When did you two meet?”

“When I was a sophomore in college. We met at a party thrown by a coworker of mine. He was five years older than me and everything a classic narcissist is: charming, attentive, complimentary. He knew all the right things to make me fall for him. And coming out of the situation with my mother…” Nat wasn’t ready to unpack that years-long trauma quite yet. “I didn’t have any real defense mechanisms. He made me believe that he knew what was best for me, convinced me I loved things I didn’t like doing. When things went too far, and I finally dumped him, I thought it was over.”

He’d been free for a while, met Angelo, thought he’d found someone he could fall in love with. Then Austin had threatened Angelo, and Nat had gone back to him.

“Sometimes with a narcissistic person,” Zack said gently, “breaking up with them can be like throwing a boomerang. It comes back, whether you want it to or not.”

“Exactly. This past winter, I took him back. But things just got worse and worse, and I honestly felt like everyone in my life was in danger because of me, so I left it all behind.”

Zack’s mouth twisted into a sad frown. “I’m so sorry you didn’t have anyone to help you, but I’m so proud of you for leaving. For saying enough, instead of staying with him.”

“It’s the only thing I’m kind of proud of myself for.” He’d rather sleep on a thousand dirty, damp streets than wake up another morning, hung over from drugs and alcohol, body so sore from sex he could barely crawl to the bathroom to piss. Selling his body for money Austin rarely lavished on Nat, save the occasional fancy dinner out. “It was either leave or kill myself, and I wasn’t ready to die.”

“I’m glad.” Zack reached out again to squeeze his knee, and Nat absorbed the support in that brief touch. “You proved to yourself and your ex just how strong of a person you are, Nat. You’re a survivor, and the world still needs you in it.”

“Thank you.” It was wonderful hearing someone else affirm the choice Nat had made that night, when everything had been too heavy, too cold, too distant from any form of hope. If he’d learned anything from his childhood, it was that he was a goddamn survivor, not a quitter.

“If I ask, you probably won’t tell me his name, will you?”

“No, I won’t, because I don’t need you to fight my battles, or go give him a warning.” He didn’t want Zack on Austin’s radar.

Zack grunted. “Fine. But I want you to promise me something, and it’s for our safety. Yours, mine and Chase’s.”

“What?”

“If this ex does contact you again, or if you happen to run into him on the street, you will tell me about it. I once knew someone with a personality very similar to your ex, and he ended up becoming quite violent before he was stopped. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Or to bring a possibly crazy, violent guy into my or Chase’s life. He didn’t have to say it for Nat to hear it.

“I promise,” Nat said. “So far, I’ve been lucky. I admit, I was terrified when I went to Neighborhood Shindig last weekend. I expected to see him pop around every corner, or sneak up behind me. But Reynolds is a pretty big city, and it’s easy enough to avoid his favorite places.”

“What about the Tim’s reopening on Friday?”

Nat shrugged, insides squirrelly at the idea of a packed bar full of people who likely knew Austin. Or at least, knew of him, depending on their proclivities. “Part of me wants to go. I loved working there. I miss the people. But I’m terrified he’ll be there.”

“What if we go together?”

“It’s Friday night. You have dinner service.”

“I do, but I’ll be done by eleven. We can go afterward. If nothing else, to put in an appearance and wish the owners all the future luck with the remodeled bar.”

Nat chewed on that offer. Zack would have already worked a long day, and probably wouldn’t want to stay for very long. It was the perfect excuse for Nat to dip in, say hello, maybe have a drink, and then leave with his ride. And if, on the slim chance they did run into Austin, Nat wouldn’t be alone. “Okay, that sounds good. Do you think Chase will want to come?”

“Will he want to? Most certainly. Will he be awake enough that late? Probably not, but I’ll still invite him.”

“All right. Good, then let’s do that.”

“Excellent.” Zack surprised him by cracking a big yawn that made his jaw pop. “Ugh, sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, it’s the middle of the night. I think, um, I’m ready to try going back to sleep. I know I keep thanking you, Zack, but I mean it. Thank you.”

“You are very welcome.” Zack slid off the bed and padded to his bedroom door. Glanced back over his shoulder, his expression difficult to see in the dim light. “Better dreams.”

“You too. Good night.”

“Good night.”

Nat situated his covers and tucked himself back in. Maybe in the morning light, he’d regret sharing so much with Zack. Regret not allowing the kiss Zack had obviously wanted to give him. Regret not allowing physical comfort when offered. He might regret it all.

But he doubted it.