Page 20 of New Year (Reconstruction #3)

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Zack had never met anyone with a direct tie to Munchausen—that he knew of—but hearing Nat say his mother had it, and he’d been her target…so many things clicked into place for him. At the top of the list was Nat’s inability to trust Zack wholly and without reservation, the way Zack trusted him.

“When you said your mother is in prison and she pled guilty,” Zack said, “it was related to Munchausen by proxy.”

“Yes.” Nat freed his hand so he could rub his palms in his eyes briefly. Zack loved that he immediately took his hand again. “She was originally arrested for worse charges, but she pled guilty to aggravated assault, false imprisonment, and fraud. She’ll be eligible for parole in another twenty years, I think.”

Zack raised his hand so he could kiss Nat’s knuckles. “How old were you?”

“I was six the first time I remember being hospitalized. My life before that is mostly a blur. I’m sure I was sick. I didn’t go to school a lot, so I didn’t have any friends. For a long time, I had the vaguest sense that I once had a brother. An older brother, but the one time I asked my mother about him, she slapped me.”

Zack’s chest pulled tight. “You have a brother?”

“Had. I, um.” He sniffled. “As I got older and got sicker, I stopped thinking about him. It wasn’t until she was arrested that anyone mentioned her first child in front of me. But no one would tell me anything, and I was a kid. I was just trying to survive and forget, and it was actually Austin who encouraged me to find out who he was.”

Zack grunted.

“I know, I don’t like being grateful to him for anything either, but Austin helped me search. My mother had a son four years before I was born. His name was William, and he was eight when he died.”

“How?”

“The obituary we found said natural causes. There was never an autopsy, and it wasn’t brought up during the investigation, because it never went to trial. Sometimes, I’m convinced the only reason she pled guilty was so the prosecution couldn’t ask about William. Use him against her.”

“Have you ever thought of asking your mother about him? William?”

“I’ve been tempted to visit her over the years, to ask about him, but there’s no point. I wouldn’t believe a word she had to say. I put her behind me when I changed my name and moved here.”

He’d mentioned that before, leaving Louisville at eighteen and coming to Reynolds for college. Asking what his old name was seemed rude, given the situation. Nat had buried that life for a reason, and it wasn’t Zack’s place to bring it back to the forefront. “You said you were first hospitalized when you were six. When did things come out? When was she arrested?”

Nat rubbed his thumb over the back of Zack’s hand in a soothing massage. “I’m not sure exactly when nurses at the hospital started getting suspicious. I think I was twelve. By then, I’d had two exploratory surgeries that never showed doctors why I was constantly nauseated, or why I had unexplained seizures. I even had a feeding tube in my stomach once, because I couldn’t keep food down.” He raised Zack’s hand and, one by one, brushed Zack’s fingers over those three scars on his abdomen that Zack had noticed the first time he’d seen Nat shirtless.

“Exploratory surgeries,” Zack growled.

“Well, one was technically an appendectomy, but the appendix was perfectly healthy, so there wasn’t actually a reason to remove it. But my mother described all the classic appendicitis symptoms to the doctors, so they operated.”

“Christ, Nat.”

Nat shrugged. “You’d think it was more traumatic than it was, but maybe I just got really good at blocking out the bad stuff. I remember sleeping a lot, throwing up a lot, and my mother always telling me she loved me so much. Year after year, no one had any answers about why I was always sick. I saw a lot of different doctors, though, in a lot of different towns.”

“She was trying to keep medical staff from figuring her out. Doctor shopping, I think it’s called?”

“Yeah, I think so. It just became our reality, moving a lot around the Louisville area, meeting new people, and me being sick. And then I was admitted to this new place, and she wasn’t allowed to see me anymore. I was really upset, but I also started feeling better. I was released from the hospital and into foster care. I didn’t understand what was happening, why I’d been sick, or why I couldn’t see my mother. She’d been my entire life for as long as I could remember, and I was furious that I couldn’t see her. I lashed out at everyone. I didn’t want to believe anyone who told me she’d been poisoning me. They were all liars, and I hated them. I got in a lot of trouble, and I was moved around a bunch of times. Made it hard to trust anyone had my best interests in mind.”

“I can’t imagine how alone you felt,” Zack said softly. He tucked Nat under his arm and kissed the side of his head. “You were a kid, and you lost your only parent, your one source of comfort, in a way that made no sense to you.”

Nat snuggled closer and wrapped his free arm around Zack’s waist. “I still don’t understand it. I mean, I know she was sick, too, and that her illness made her hurt me, but parents aren’t supposed to hurt their kids. Not for any reason, but especially not for attention. I’m lucky that part of her deal included scrubbing everything about me from the internet. All her social media posts asking for donations, sympathy, yadda yadda. Or maybe I wasn’t lucky, because all I had was the word of people I hated that she’d deliberately hurt me. All the videos of her fawning over me, hugging me, all the good stuff was gone along with the bad, and I didn’t know what to believe anymore.”

Zack considered those words for a moment. “Didn’t you also have your mother’s word? By pleading guilty, she said she did those things to you.”

“I guess. You know, Austin said something similar once.”

“I’m really starting to resent that Austin ever said anything that made sense to you. But I suppose that’s why you fell for him.”

“Yeah, it was. After my mother and being in foster care, all I wanted was to be someone else, anyone besides who I was. That made me the perfect victim for Austin. I wanted someone to believe in, and he made himself a hero. He helped me discover and explore my sexuality for the first time, and he showed me how to be someone else. How to be Nathaniel Hawking, and not my mother’s son.

“And then I depended on him like I’d once depended on my mother, and it took me a long time to see all the same ways he took advantage of me. Tortured me. Abused my love and complete trust in him. They were the same. My mother and Austin. They used me to prop up themselves.”

“I don’t blame you, sweetheart, not for any of it.”

“I blame myself.” Nat sat up straighter, his eyes clearer than ever before. “But it took believing in two monsters, being broken by two monsters, for me to finally be able to heal. To open my eyes and see myself with my own eyes and not theirs. It allowed me to see my true hero. My white knight. A man who loves me, in spite of my flaws?—”

“Because of your flaws.”

Nat grinned. “Because of my flaws. A man who isn’t scared of the Titanic amount of baggage I carry around?—”

“Because he’s got the Britannic of baggage of his own to haul around.”

“If you don’t quit interrupting me, I’m not having sex with you tonight.”

Zack couldn’t stop a brief bark of surprised laughter. Then he shut his mouth and nodded.

“You have shown me nothing but trust and support since we met, Zack,” Nat continued, a sweet smile quirking his lips. “I didn’t make it easy, but you didn’t back down. You showed me that everyone in my life isn’t trying to use me or take advantage of me. All you want is to love me, and that’s all I want. To love you in return.” He slid his hand behind Zack’s neck in a loose hold. “I love you, Zachary Matteson.”

Zack’s heart broke wide open at the genuine, joyful way Nat spoke those three beautiful words. Words he’d been hoping to hear—not expecting but always hoping. “I love you, too, Nat, so much. Thank you for trusting me with this part of your past.”

“I had to tell you. This is the last big piece of me that I needed to share, before I could really let myself love you the way you deserve to be loved. By someone with no more secrets. Nothing to hide.” His eyes shined clearly, so full of positive things that Zack fell permanently under their spell. “I’ve shown you my whole heart,” Nat whispered. “Please, be gentle with it.”

“Always, sweetheart.” He brushed his lips across Nat’s, a silent promise to hold his heart close and take care with it. “And you’ve got mine. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. You sharing this horrific secret. Especially knowing you told Austin some of it, and how badly he betrayed you.”

“You aren’t Austin. I know that in my heart, my head, and my soul. Your reaction has been so wildly different from what his was. He used those secrets against me, to bind me to him. That’s not you. Everything about you is…it’s you . I did spend the first few weeks here wondering when you’d change, when you’d start to demand things from me. Or manipulate me into giving you something I didn’t want to. And I’m sorry for that.”

“Forgiven and forgotten. I understood why you were wary of me and my intentions, and I never judged you or held a grudge. I knew where you were, metaphorically and emotionally, and that you needed time, patience, and friendship, so you could feel safe in your own skin. So you could learn how to trust your feelings and your instincts.”

“I can never repay you for giving me a safe place to feel those things again.”

“You don’t have to repay me. Your love is everything I need.” Zack hauled Nat onto his lap and held him around the waist—his favorite way to cuddle his boyfriend. “I was a jaded old man when we met, sure I’d screwed up so royally that I’d never get a real chance to fall in love. You proved me wrong. Even when you were wary of me, you showed me that hope was still out there; I just had to embrace it. Take a chance on it. You showed me that I don’t have to be a Dom, or completely in-charge all the time, to find peace and joy. I just had to trust.”

“You showed me I’m worth more than my body, more than what other people can do with it or to it. That my brain and emotions and desires are important and valid.” Nat sniffled once then wiped his eyes. “God, we’re getting really goopy, aren’t we?”

“It’s okay. Goopy is good. We need to be able to talk to each other about anything and everything we’re feeling, if this is going to keep working.”

“You’re right. I’m not used to it, I guess.”

“Neither am I.” Zack smoothed his hand over Nat’s back in a comfortable, petting way. “But I think we’re both doing a fantastic job of communicating. If there is anything you ever need to ask me, about my past or old relationships, or whatever, please know you can ask. I’ll do my best to always be honest with you.”

“Same. As much as my old M.O. was just ignoring my past and trying to forge a new path, I understand now why it’s important to examine those things.”

“We either learn from the past and grow, or we ignore it and continue making the same tragic mistakes.”

Nat chuckled. “You got that off an internet meme, didn’t you?”

“Guilty.”

“You’re such a workaholic, I’m impressed you know how to get online and find memes.”

Zack pinched his thigh. “Brat. I was on the internet before you were even born. Granted, it was dial-up, and you couldn’t be on the telephone at the same time, but it was the internet.”

“Did you have memes back then?”

Zack tried to remember, enjoying the spirited banter with someone whose early life had been so drastically different from Zack’s. Zack had still had an analog childhood, and then gone online as an older teen. Kids today seemed to be born with phones permanently attached to their palms. “I don’t remember, but we did have ICQ and MySpace.”

“ICQ sounds like an STD.” Nat made an exaggerated face of mock horror. “My God, man, what have you given me?”

With a teasing growl, Zack started tickling Nat. Nat hooted laughter and tried lurching away, but Zack wasn’t letting him escape. He caught Nat around the waist and dumped him onto the bed, then climbed on top. Straddled him and kept tickling his chest and belly, while avoiding his serious tickle spots like his armpits. He wanted Nat laughing, not screaming from overstimulation or fear.

They were both laughing and wrestling when they started kissing. Quick, teasing kisses that deepened into true intent and desire. Tickling fingers became more demanding as Zack’s clothes came off. Zack took his time exploring Nat’s body, licking every crevice, re-familiarizing himself with the man he loved so much. Nat gasped and sighed, and encouraged him with his hands and mouth and lips, and Zack never worried anything was too much.

He made love to Nat’s cock, savoring its thickness and weight. The salty taste of the warm, velvety skin. The heavy slide against his tongue. The way Nat’s hips jerked and rolled, seeking and escaping, as Zack sucked on his prize, driving his boyfriend higher and higher. He needed Nat delirious and spent, and he got his wish when Nat erupted in his mouth. Zack drank down the bitter gift and licked his boyfriend clean, before crawling up the bed to sprawl on top of him.

Nat kissed his chin and cheeks through panted breaths, eyes bright and cheeks rosy red. “That was epic. Damn.”

“I was going for outstanding, but I will take epic.”

“Take it, it’s a huge compliment. I don’t give out epic very often.”

“Compliment taken.” Zack absently stroked the long, rough scar on Nat’s shoulder and upper arm. He hated the scar for its existence, while also loving it as proof of life. Nat had survived so much and was still here to love Zack. He kissed the knife scar on Nat’s chest; Nat shivered.

“What do you want, babe?” Nat asked. “Do you wanna come inside me?”

Zack’s cock pulsed with need. “I always want to come inside you, but you aren’t hard anymore.”

“It’s okay. I need to feel you inside me tonight, Zack. Please. I love you, and I need the man I love to make love to me.”

How was a guy supposed to say no to such a beautiful sentiment?

Nat’s entire being soared on endorphins and the unique sense of being wholly loved and protected. He wasn’t used to the sensations coursing through him, lifting him up, and giving him the confidence to believe that everything would truly, finally, be all right. And more than anything else, he needed his boyfriend and lover to claim him. His Zack to join their bodies in the most intimate of ways and find his release.

Zack rolled toward the bedside table to get a condom and lube, and Nat stretched his entire body. Arms over his head, toes straight out, core tightening and loosening. A few vertebrae popped, and he released a satisfied groan. For too many years, he’d dreaded anal sex after he’d come—or when he wasn’t hard at all. But not this, not with Zack. Nat craved the slide of Zack in and out of his body, and it would be amazing, no matter what.

He relaxed into Zack’s expert handling, a little sleepy from his own release. He trusted anything Zack wanted from him, and listened with half-lidded eyes while Zack put on the condom. Smeared lube on his cock. Zack gently rolled Nat onto his side and spooned up behind him, his body fitting so perfectly that Nat sighed his contentment. Zack rubbed some lube over Nat’s hole without breaching him, and at first, Nat wasn’t sure what he was doing.

Then Zack’s cock pressed against his entrance. A firm, hot pressure that built, oh so slowly, a sweet push against his tight muscle. A millimeter at a time, in no hurry, the expectation of breach so heady that Nat began panting for it. He tried to thrust his hips backward, to get this intrusion over with, but Zack grabbed his hip with his free hand. Held him still and continued his unhurried entrance into Nat’s body.

He panted and keened and clawed at the pillow, hating this and loving this. Needing Zack to just push inside him and get it over with, and also never wanting this exquisite tease to end. To forever dance on this razor’s edge between pleasure and anticipation. Nat clutched the hand holding his hip, needing that contact with Zack. Zack twined his fingers around Nat’s and squeezed. Pushed.

Nat cried out as Zack’s cockhead breached his ring and slid inside his body. Zack maintained a slow, steady pace, almost too slow now that he was finally inside. Nat trembled and keened, while Zack took his time fully seating his cock inside Nat’s trembling body. Nothing had ever felt so right; he had never felt so full.

Or so fucking desperate to be fucked.

“You gotta move, Zack, please.”

Zack nipped his earlobe. “When I’m ready.”

“Fuuuuck.”

“Soon. I need to feel you for a minute, so hot and tight around my dick. I could fall asleep like this, holding you, part of you.”

Nat’s belly quivered. “I’d let you.”

“I know. When we do that, it’ll be without a rubber between us. Just my dick in your ass, no barriers, and when I come, I’ll fill you up. Mark you. Make you mine.”

He loved when hints of the dirty Dom Zack used to be peeked out, reminding him that even without scenes or a D/s relationship, Zack would always protect him. Keep him safe—from Nat’s own fears, and from anyone else who would dare do him harm. “Yes. I want that. I’m yours.”

“And I’m yours. We’ll get tested on Tuesday.”

“Okay.” Nat didn’t have to think about his answer, not at all. He wanted everything Zack was promising, and he wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life. Except maybe for Zack to move his hips and relieve some of the intensity building inside Nat’s abdomen. He clenched his hole, and Zack bit his shoulder.

The first, sharp thrust erupted inside Nat like an orgasm, and he screamed into the pillow. Everything Zack had held back for that long, torturous entry surged forth in every slam of Zack’s hips against his ass, every deep slide of his dick inside his channel. Working them both into a frenzy. Nat wasn’t hard, and he didn’t care. All he needed was this claiming. This promise they were making with their bodies, sealed when Zack thrust deep and hollered as he came.

Nat imagined Zack’s seed pumping deep inside him, coating his insides, marking him as Zack’s, and no one else’s. Never before had the mental image of someone’s come leaking out of his well-used hole made him almost giddy with excitement. Eager for the future when that would be real, and not just his imagination.

Zack wrapped his arms around Nat and rolled Nat onto his stomach, squashing him into the mattress without smothering him. They lay there for a long time, Zack’s cock slowly softening inside him, until Zack had to hold the rubber and pull out. He tossed it away, pulled the sheet up over them, and spooned back up behind Nat.

The warm room smelled pleasantly of sweat and musk and sex, and Nat basked in the afterglow of everything they’d done. The secrets and promises and physical pleasure. Their life together wasn’t perfect, but whose was? No one’s. They’d have challenges, and Nat welcomed them. He welcomed every future day he got to spend with Zachary Matteson in his life, in his bed, and in his heart.

Because for the first time in twenty-three years, Nathaniel Hawking was home.