Page 14 of New Year (Reconstruction #3)

CHAPTER TWELVE

Gradually integrating his life with Nat’s was easier than Zack expected, and so much more than he deserved. Living together before and while dating should have complicated things, made some things awkward between them, but the transition was so seamless it felt like they’d always shared their lives with each other. He made room for Nat in his bed, for Nat’s clothes in his closet and dresser, and for Nat in his heart.

He didn’t want to admit yet that he was falling in love, but as July 4 th approached, Zack wasn’t sure how else to describe what he felt. Between their different work schedules, they spent as much free time together as possible, in and out of bed. They didn’t have sex every night, and when they did, it was always a unique, wonderful experience. But the things they did outside of the house? In public with their clothes on? Each moment was an adventure.

Nat was still nervous in public, and that was something they were working on every time they went out. Not only reinforcing the fact that the odds of running into Austin were pretty low, if they purposely avoided the bars and restaurants Austin had preferred, but also boosting Nat’s confidence that he could manage an interaction if one occurred. They went to the movies twice with no incidents—other than having a lot of fun sharing popcorn and a giant soda, and making out in the top row.

Zack took him to Neighborhood Shindig several times for breakfast on the days Zack worked late, and they always brought something back for Chase. He loved the pastries at Hallowed Grounds almost as much as Nat did, but even when Zack invited him, Chase always begged off. He said he didn’t want to interrupt the “honeymoon phase.”

Their trio discussed a small barbecue at home for the Fourth, but in the end, Nat insisted he wanted to attend the big celebration at Shindig. They were advertising live music from eleven to four, plus food specials at all the trucks. Chase and Zack had already agreed to close the restaurants so their employees could spend the holiday with family and friends. In the past, Chase typically closed on major holidays, while Zack preferred to open for limited hours.

But River Bistro was Chase’s baby, not Zack’s.

The Fourth was a Thursday. Zack worked the closing shift at the Bistro on Wednesday night, so he could be sure it was clean and locked up until Friday’s morning shift arrived. Chase hadn’t been at the restaurant for the last two days, in order to save his energy for Thursday, so Zack wasn’t surprised that Chase’s half of the house was dark when he arrived home. They had plans for Chase to join him and Nat for breakfast tomorrow at nine.

Zack let himself into his place, then turned to lock the door and set the alarm. He’d always been fastidious with locking the door, but ever since Nat came to live with him, he couldn’t relax until the alarm was also set. He didn’t know what sort of threat Austin actually was to them, but Zack wasn’t going to take any chances with Nat’s safety.

In the week and a half since becoming an unofficial couple, his sofa bed remained a sofa, and he was never lonely at night. The main apartment was dark, save the microwave light, which Zack turned off after pouring a glass of water to take with him to bed. The nightlight behind the mostly-shut bathroom door gave Zack enough visibility to see Nat asleep in their bed. Nat always slept facing the middle, as if waiting for Zack to return and fill in space.

Zack studied the barely visible planes of Nat’s face for a few moments, astonished that someone so beautiful and fragile was relying on Zack to protect him. His fully awakened libido wanted him to wake Nat and see what he was up for, but that was selfish. Zack was old enough and experienced enough to control his desires for his partner’s comfort. Sometimes Nat stayed up until Zack came home and sometimes?—

Nat squirmed and stretched, and then he spotted Zack in the dark. “Hey, hot stuff.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I don’t think you did. I was having a dream. Pretty glad to get out of it.” He reached out to Zack. “Come to bed?”

“I’m going to be that guy and say I need to brush my teeth first. Give me two minutes.”

“M’kay.”

Nat was asleep again when Zack returned from the bathroom, in his boxers and ready for bed. He slid under the covers on his side and gently maneuvered Nat so Zack was spooning him from behind. Legs twined, back to chest, sharing a pillow. Nat didn’t wake, so Zack didn’t press. He closed his eyes, concentrated on the rhythmic sound of Nat’s breathing, and drifted.

A few nondescript dreams later, Zack slowly roused to the indescribable sensation of his body still wrapped around Nat’s. Only now, Nat was flat on his stomach, and Zack was practically humping him through their shorts. Nat’s slender body was stiff, unyielding, every muscle tight as iron beneath him. The oddness of it shook Zack fully awake.

The sun was up, giving him enough light to see, but Nat’s face was pressed into the pillow. “Just get it over with,” Nat said, voice muffled but the words still clear.

And horrifying. “What?”

“Please, just do it then let me be.”

“Nat?” Zack slid to the side and sat up, gut sloshing with confusion and fear. Nat didn’t move; he barely seemed to breathe. Was he even awake, or was he having a nightmare? “Nat, it’s Zack. Wake up.” Zack reached out but paused with his fingers inches from Nat’s shoulder, scared of startling him too badly. “Nat.”

Nat’s shoulders flinched then began to loosen. His back heaved as his breathing increased in a way that alarmed Zack. “Fuck,” he panted. “Oh fuck. Zack.”

“Yeah, it’s me. Can I touch you?”

“Yes.”

Zack gently helped Nat sit up so Zack could pull him right into his lap. Wrapped his arms around him and tucked him as close to his body as possible while Nat trembled. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“Kind of. It was more of a flashback.”

“Just get it over with.”

Zack swallowed a growl. “What did Austin do?”

Nat didn’t answer right away, so Zack held him. Stroked his back and shoulders and tried to keep his own breathing steady. Nat’s breaths slowly calmed and the trembling stopped. “We both had to sleep naked, even in winter. He wanted me accessible. Sometimes he’d wake up first and want sex, and he wouldn’t…” Nat sighed, warm breath puffing against Zack’s chest. “He’d just use a little spit, and I’d wake up with him forcing his dick into me.”

Rage washed over Zack like boiling water, both instantly hot and chillingly cold. “I’m so sorry.”

Nat grunted. “I wasn’t always a coward, you know. The first time he did it, I got mad and tried to make him stop. He wrapped his arm around my throat and squeezed until I nearly passed out. It started to really hurt, so I fought again. He just kept choking me until I stopped trying to fight back.”

Zack pulled Nat away so he could look at him. Nat kept his gaze down, but his face was bright red, jaw tight. “You aren’t a coward, Nat. Giving in so someone stops hurting you more isn’t cowardly. You were protecting yourself the best way you knew how. Hey.” He pressed a finger beneath Nat’s chin and gently raised his head. Waited until Nat’s red, watery eyes met his. “I am so fucking sorry that I triggered you.”

“It wasn’t on purpose. I didn’t know I’d react like that. I haven’t slept so intimately with someone since I left Austin. Please, don’t blame yourself.”

“How can I not? I care about you, and it kills me to know I hurt you, unintentionally or not.” His throat tightened. “It also kills me to think how many times he did that to you, for your instinctive reaction to be saying to just get it over with.”

Nat took the hand under his chin and held it over his heart. Zack could feel it thudding against his skin. “I know I’ve only mentioned some of the awful things Austin did, but my life with him wasn’t complete hell all the time. Even monsters can be kind sometimes. But even when Austin was showering me with affection and attention, he never made me feel how I feel when I’m with you.”

“Which is how?”

“Safe. I have been chasing safety, yearning for a safe person, for most of my life. I trusted Austin because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know the warning signs, and I was scared to walk away after the first time he hurt me. Scared I was unlovable and that I’d never find another guy who’d accept me and my issues. But I was wrong about both things. I do deserve to be loved. We both do.”

Zack pressed a kiss to Nat’s temple. “Yes, we do. Being with you has helped me remember that, even though I made some huge mistakes and hurt people by proxy, I’m not unlovable. I don’t deserve to stew in my own misery for the rest of time as some form of cosmic penance. I can be happy again. Truly happy and in love.”

Nat’s eyelashes fluttered. “We both can.” His eyes seemed to silently ask, With each other?

Zack tried to reply, Absolutely, with each other without words. He didn’t have the words yet, but one day he hoped he found them. And when he found them, he prayed he had the courage to say them. Today, they had a celebration to attend. Together. “How do you feel about a shower? I’ll scrub your back for you.”

“That sounds amazing.”

* * *

Nat’s utter humiliation over this morning’s flashback/panic attack dissolved under Zack’s tender, sweet attention. From the long, hot shower that left Nat more relaxed, but nowhere in the neighborhood of feeling sexy or turned-on, to the simple breakfast of French toast and bacon, Nat felt more like his usual self by the time Chase knocked on their door at ten.

Since it was July and stupidly hot out, they were all dressed down in shorts and t-shirts. The combo was the most casual he’d seen Chase. Even on the mornings when Chase needed Nat’s help early, Chase was always dressed and groomed by the time Nat arrived. Today, he was embracing relaxed comfort over prim and proper.

Zack drove them toward the big public parking lot that serviced Neighborhood Shindig, as well as other surrounding businesses. He did drop Chase and Nat off in front of the gates before he went to park. Chase had his cane but wasn’t leaning on it very hard, so taking a few days off to save up his energy seemed to have worked in his favor. When Zack rejoined them, they went inside the bustling business park, which was festooned in red, white and blue décor, alongside the familiar Pride flags.

Right inside, a cart vendor was selling snow cones, and near the pavilion, a young woman had set up a face-painting table. A general din of conversation and laughter amped up the overall festive energy of the place, and Nat found himself smiling for no reason at all. They wandered as a trio, checking out the daily specials on the food trucks’ boards, as well as the sales at the various retail pods. When the first musical act began at eleven, they bought drinks at a vending machine and settled at a picnic table to listen.

Chase sat on the end, so he had an easier time getting up and down. Zack was next, with Nat kind of in the middle of the bench. Nat grinned when Zack pulled him closer and wrapped one arm around his waist. It was hot, but a handful of industrial ceiling fans under the pavilion kept air circulating.

The first band played for about twenty minutes, before Shindig’s general manager announced a ten-minute break. Zack left and returned with a platter of Garbage Nachos for their trio to share. For the next few hours, Nat’s world was music, stand-up routines, snacks from the food trucks, and a lot of laughter with his boyfriend and friend.

Boyfriend.

They hadn’t sat down and agreed on labels, but what else were they? Nat loved the idea of being Zack Matteson’s boyfriend. This morning proved how genuinely kind Zack was, that he truly did care about Nat’s emotional and physical well-being. That Nat could trust Zack with his heart and body and mind, and truly fall in love with the man.

During one of the afternoon set breaks, Nat volunteered to take away their collected trash, since he needed a bathroom break. The bathrooms were tucked away in the rear of Shindig, in a cement block building, and he joined the short line to get in. He briefly chatted with two guys his age who remembered him from Tim’s, fielded a few tone-deaf questions about the explosion, and extricated himself from it when it was his turn to go inside and use a urinal. Washed his hands and his face, since he was hot and sweaty, and the bathrooms were not air conditioned.

Nat stepped back out into bright sunshine, and blinked hard as his eyes readjusted to the light. A tall, toned, tanned body blocked his path, and Nat immediately mumbled an apology and tried to side-step the guy. A hand clamped down on his forearm, and Nat’s entire body froze in place at the audacity of this stranger to—fuck.

Fuck .

Austin stared at him from behind a pair of blue-lensed sunglasses. His hair had grown out in longer, thicker black ringlets that glistened with product, and he had a goatee that made him look even more sinister than before. People swirled around them, going about their business, no idea of the terror swamping Nat’s insides like hot tar.

“Natty Boy,” Austin drawled. “You don’t call, you don’t write. Where the fuck have you been?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Nat’s mouth was dry, his throat frozen. He couldn’t find the words or strength to protest Austin pulling him away from the bathrooms, toward the tall rear fence that separated Shindig from the residential neighborhood behind it. Austin wasn’t being violent or threatening him, so no one around seemed to notice or care about the confrontation unfolding.

Not that it was much of a confrontation, with Nat too scared to speak up or pull his arm away from Austin’s solid grip.

Austin turned him so Nat’s back was to the stone wall, with Austin crowding him against it with his bigger body. He finally let go of Nat’s arm, then rested his palm on the wall by Nat’s head. The position was almost intimate, but it only made Nat want to shit himself. “You did a bad thing, Natty Boy, when you disappeared on me,” Austin hissed, words soft but coated with venom. “I was counting on you, and you let me down.”

Nat opened his mouth but nothing came out, not even a croak of protest. He knew what Austin had been counting on him for that weekend, which was why Nat had packed up and fled, leaving most of his old life behind, even his phone. Left and hidden and scrounged and prostituted himself, but at least those had been Nat’s choices.

“I’d heard rumors that you were around,” Austin continued. “But no one seemed sure of where you were living or what you were doing. I figured you couldn’t stay away from this place.”

It didn’t surprise him that Austin had come here hoping to find Nat. It did, however, infuriate him that Austin was bulldozing his way back into Nat’s carefully reconstructed life. He would not expose Zack or Chase to Austin’s cruelty, not if he could help it. But Austin’s proximity, coupled with this morning’s panic attack, had Nat’s fight instinct stuck. Flight wasn’t even kicking in or urging him to slip away, scream for help.

He was solidly in freeze mode, which experience told him was a far more dangerous place to be.

Austin put his left hand on Nat’s hip and squeezed. The touch sent bile to the back of Nat’s throat, but he couldn’t move. Couldn’t protest. Not even when Austin leaned in closer, and Nat caught a hint of liquor on his breath. “How about you and I go for a ride? I know how much you love my car. I just got it back from the shop, and she’s cruising like a dream. We can go to our spot.”

Their spot.

When Nat first started dating Austin, they’d drive southwest into the mountains, off a rural road to a picnic spot near Sparrow Creek. They’d splash around in the icy water, search for shiny pebbles, share snacks and hard seltzers, and then have sex on a blanket in full view of anyone who might drive up. It had been Nat’s first time having sex in public, and it had been thrilling, doing something so dangerous and illicit. It had been romantic and joyful, the scenery peaceful and gorgeous.

For a little while.

The hand on his hip slid farther back, fingers slipping under the waistband of his shorts. That violating touch jolted through Nat like a cattle prod. He couldn’t stop his body’s reaction if he tried. His stomach heaved once, and he vomited nachos, a slice of pizza, and diet cola all over Austin.

Austin screeched and lurched backward. Nat doubled over, still spitting the remnants of his lunch onto the ground, his body trying to turn itself inside out. He was hot and cold all over, and he started shaking so badly he fell onto his ass, back still against the stone wall. Voices around him made no sense. Some people were laughing, others making disgusted sounds. He was sure this would end up on someone’s social media feed.

Whatever. Austin wasn’t touching him anymore.

“Hey, honey, are you okay?” a female voice asked. “Is it heat stroke?”

For a moment, Nat thought she was asking him the second question. Then a man replied, “It could be. Does anyone know what happened?”

Nat tuned out the voices offering words like “confrontation” and “standing close” and “ran off covered it vomit,” and concentrated on making sure his stomach was finished heaving its contents all over the cement. A bottle of water appeared in front of him, and Nat took it, grateful to be able to swish the bitter taste out of his mouth, even though it was stuck in his nose, too. Ugh, he was a mess, and he needed Zack. Zack would help him make sense of all this.

Someone squeezed his shoulder; Nat flinched away. “You with us, honey?” the woman asked.

“Yeah,” Nat rasped. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s hot out today, and as long as you tell me you haven’t been drinking, we won’t have any problems, you and me.”

Nat finally looked up. The woman was middle-aged, short and stocky, and she wore an apron with a few cleaning implements attached. He recognized her. She was one of Shindig’s sanitation people, but he didn’t know her name. The man squatting beside her was familiar, too. Thirties, maybe, with silver-framed glasses. The general manager with a weird name.

“I haven’t been drinking,” Nat said. “I didn’t mean to cause a problem.”

“It’s all right, I used to be a teacher,” she said. “Vomit happens. We just need to make sure you don’t need medical attention. Sun stroke and heat exhaustion are serious.”

“That’s not what it was.”

“Then what was it?” the manager asked. “Some of the witnesses said you appeared to be having some sort of confrontation with another man, and then you threw up on him. He ran, instead of making sure you were okay.” He nearly growled the final statement, as if personally affronted by Austin acting like an asshole. “Who was the guy?”

“My ex.” Nat glanced around, but the curious onlookers were keeping their distance. Probably the stink of barf in the heat, and the smell wasn’t doing Nat’s stomach any favors. “I haven’t seen him in a while. We were talking, and I don’t know what happened.”

“Hmm. Listen, my name is Clancy Jons. I’m the general manager here, and if this guy is a problem, I need to know about it. I don’t appreciate my guests assaulting other guests.”

“He didn’t assault me.” Liar. “It was…hot.” God, that was pathetic.

“Okay, what’s your name?”

“Nat!” Zack’s angry shout made Nat’s heart race. Zack shouldered his way past Clancy and the woman, and Zack didn’t seem to notice he’d knelt right in the barf. He pulled Nat into his arms, and Nat finally took a real breath. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I’m okay now.” Nat pressed his face into the crook of Zack’s shoulder, not caring how hot it was. He needed this. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay, sweetheart. Is he sick?”

Zack must have asked the others, because Clancy replied, “We aren’t sure.”

“I’m not sick.” Nat raised his head so Zack could see the truth in his eyes. “Can we talk about it in private?”

“Sure, if Mr. Jons is okay with that. I can reimburse you for the cost of cleaning.”

“Don’t worry about the cost,” Clancy said. “We’re used to dealing with the occasional sick guest, especially on weekends and holidays. But we do have security cameras on the premises. If you need anything in the future.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it, and I’ll be in touch.”

Zack helped Nat stand. The sanitation lady must have left and returned, because she gave them a handful of wet paper towels. Zack wiped off his knees, while Nat dabbed at a few spots on his own shirt. Thankfully, most of it had either hit Austin or hit the pavement.

“Thank you, Mr. Jons,” Nat said. “And you, too, ma’am.”

“My name’s Sadie, honey,” the woman said. “You must be Nat.”

“Yes, Nathaniel Hawking. I’m really embarrassed we met this way.”

“Well, I’m just glad you aren’t here alone.” Sadie cast a stern look at Zack. “You take care of him.”

“That’s a promise,” Zack replied. “We’ve both enjoyed today’s entertainment lineup, but I think it’s time we head home. Get cleaned up.”

Nat offered his thanks to Sadie and Clancy again, then didn’t protest Zack tucking him under his arm. It felt like everyone in Shindig was staring at them on the long, hot walk back to the pavilion where Chase was waiting. He took one look at them and stood, his face a giant question mark, but he didn’t speak. He followed them outside Shindig’s gates, and he stood silently with Nat while Zack got the car.

Nat wanted to hide, to never show his face here again, and he was insanely grateful to climb into the backseat of Zack’s car, so he could curl into a ball on the long seat. Chase, bless him, didn’t ask a single question on the drive home, even though the air in the car had to be a touch sour. No one spoke until they were all three on the stoop outside the house.

“Nat, why don’t you go take a shower,” Zack said. “I’ll get Chase situated and then be back home.”

“Okay.” Relieved to have a few minutes to himself, Nat fled into the apartment.