Page 16 of Never Doubt I Love (Calloway #3)

Alexander hadn’t slept a wink, and a part of him considered spending the day in bed rather than venturing downstairs and facing the Calloway family. He had never been given the option to do such a thing before, and his newfound freedom meant he could sleep for days if he wished. But the stronger part of him knew he needed to stand tall if he wanted to keep himself in good standing with Lord Calloway.

When they had returned to the house late last night, Calloway had pulled him aside and asked again what Hugh had said to Olivia. Alexander had told him everything he could, even admitting that he thought Hugh had been genuine, but he assured Calloway that he would do what he could to keep his brother away from Olivia. Whether or not Hugh was suddenly changing his ways, Olivia still deserved better.

Calloway had seemed to believe him, thanking him once again for keeping a watchful eye on her when he could not.

Alexander wasn’t certain he deserved anyone’s gratitude.

Once his valet had done his best to make him look presentable, Alexander stepped out into the corridor. Despite not being put in the far corner of the house, he still felt the emptiness of the guest wing as he stood just outside his room and worked up the courage to go to the breakfast room. While the Calloway house was a good deal warmer than his own, in every way, he was simply a visitor. Not a part of the family but a temporary guest, allowed to stay under this roof because Lord Calloway did not trust him.

He wasn’t sure Olivia trusted him either, not after the way she had ignored him the rest of the night. Granted, he had spent the second half of the opera scowling at anyone who had approached the Calloway box, but even in the carriage ride afterward, Olivia had spoken only to her sister-in-law.

Alexander shook his disappointment from his shoulders as he began the trek downstairs. It was better if Olivia disliked him. They had been too familiar with each other as it was, and her frustration would only protect her. The less a part of Alexander’s life she was, the safer she would be.

“Ah, Lord Alexander,” the Dowager Lady Calloway said, arriving at the main staircase the same time he did. “Good morning.”

“My lady.” Alexander paused and bowed his head, wishing it had been anyone else who’d found him first. Even Olivia. He did not know enough about this Lady Calloway to know what to expect from her. “I hope you are rested from your journey.”

Offering up a warm smile, she held out her hand. “Would you mind helping me downstairs? I am still quite tired, though I am much improved from yesterday. You know,” she said as they worked their way slowly down the stairs, “I met your father once.”

“I am sorry.” The words came unbidden, and he cursed himself for not choosing to stay in his room until he could get at least a little sleep. “Forgive me, my lady. I should not have said—”

“He was an intimidating man, and not especially inviting, and I wondered if his children were like him. But then I met the duchess, and I also had to wonder if her boys had inherited any of her traits.”

Alexander hummed, uncertain whether he should allow this conversation to continue. But what would he do? Tell the dowager baroness that he refused to speak to her? “My mother is a truly remarkable woman. I fear her children are very little like her, though we should be.”

“You remind me of her. What little I can remember of her, anyway.” Lady Calloway patted his arm, as if she knew how hard those words hit him. “I have not seen her since your father’s passing.”

Tension threaded its way into Alexander’s shoulders, as it always did whenever someone mentioned his mother. Her disappearance from Society had been noticed, of course, but the more time went on, the less anyone spoke of her. And the less a part of Society she was, the easier it would be to save her from Hugh’s cruelty.

“She is still in mourning, in a way,” he said quietly. Perhaps not mourning her husband, who had never been good to her, but mourning the life she might have lived if not for her circumstances. He cleared his throat. “She has taken to a quieter life these days.”

“I do understand that,” Lady Calloway said, her words full of sympathy. “It can be difficult to carry on after losing one’s partner.” She was quiet for a long moment before she said, “My Simon certainly seems to like you.”

Alexander chuckled, grateful for the change in topic. “He tolerates me. I believe I am not a welcome guest, though I am most grateful that I am here.”

“Do not let Simon’s grumpiness fool you.” She spoke so lightly that it was as if they were discussing the weather. “He has so much pressure on his shoulders that he thinks he carries the world, and it leaves little room for trust or hope. We lost his father far too soon, and it affected us all differently.”

This was not the sort of intimacy Alexander should be privy to. He was a guest, one who posed a threat to this family because of his relations, and it would be better for him to remain ignorant. Hugh had been gracious and friendly at the opera last night, but before Olivia’s arrival, Charles had told him the duke was not going to be patient for long. Unless Hugh soon received some sort of information to make it easier for him to get closer to the Calloway family, things could easily turn dangerous. He would hopefully value his position and threadbare reputation too much to do anything himself, but Charles had never been afraid to take liberties. And with Olivia’s tendency to do as she pleased, it would be all too easy for Charles to put her into a compromising position and force Lord Calloway’s hand to protect his sister.

Then Hugh could step in with a counteroffer and “save” Olivia from an unsuitable match. Calloway didn’t like Hugh now, but a duke was a far better match than a third son with nothing but debts and debauchery to his name.

“Lord Alexander, are you quite all right?”

Oh. He wasn’t breathing. It was no wonder he was beginning to feel dizzy. He forced a breath, but his heart had begun racing, his palms were sweating, and his chest was too tight for him to fill his lungs entirely. Not again.

“Come,” Lady Calloway said gently. “Sit here.” She directed him to a bench against the wall, sitting beside him and holding tight to his arm. “It will pass. Keep breathing the best you can, and we can sit here as long as we need to.”

A sudden memory hit him as he dropped his elbows to his knees and tried to calm his heart. He was a boy, sitting in the garden of the Tipton country estate after his first attempt at riding a horse. The animal had been nearly wild, barely tamed, but his father had told him that no son of his would stoop to riding a gentle mount. He had not even settled into the saddle before the horse bucked and threw him to the ground, nearly trampling him in the process. Though he had wanted to prove to his father that he was as brave as Hugh, he had run from the stables and hidden in the garden, where his mother found him. She’d sat with him and sung a lullaby until he relaxed. He could almost hear the song now.

Alexander sat up straight. He could hear singing, though he had no idea where it was coming from.

Lady Calloway laughed softly. “Oh, that girl. She always was an early riser, but I have no idea how she found Cordelia so quickly. I haven’t even told her.”

Cordelia. Alexander had heard that name, but he was having trouble connecting it to its owner.

His confusion must have shown on his face—he imagined every emotion did right now—because Lady Calloway smiled. “I brought her prized horse here to London to make up for my missing so much of her first Season. I may have made a mistake.”

“Why?” Alexander’s voice came out raw.

“Because I fear Olivia will spend the rest of her days in the stable, longing for the open fields of home.”

Alexander almost managed a smile, imagining the frustration that would spread through the ton as Olivia made herself continually unavailable. Because of a horse . “Lord Calloway would like that.”

“I am certain he would. Lord Alexander, would you be so kind as to fetch her for me? She really should not be out there on her own; London is not the same as being at Calloway Park. Besides, I would imagine you could use a diversion.”

Though he knew it was a bad idea, Alexander nodded and rose to his feet. He had no idea where he was going, but he followed the distant sound of Olivia’s song until it carried him outside and to the small stables behind the house. A heavy mist hung in the air this morning, but it would likely burn away as the sun rose higher, making way for a lovely sunny day. The perfect day for going for a ride.

Slowly opening the stable door, Alexander was struck with the full strength of Olivia’s song. She sounded even more mesmerizing than when he had heard her in the gardens weeks ago. She sang without hesitation or reservation this morning, filling the air with her clear, angelic voice.

He didn’t see her at first, but when he found her sitting atop the wall separating two stalls, he couldn’t help but smile. She was entirely fearless, so unafraid to be herself and so different from him. Where her brother carried the world, she seemed to bring light to it, as if she were the sun and would never be dimmed. What would it be like to live so openly? He feared he would never know.

Olivia looked over, her eyes flying wide open and her song coming to a halt as she yelped, falling off the wall and into the stall beyond.

“Olivia!” Alexander darted forward, but before he could even unlatch the stall, Olivia started to laugh. He scrambled to open the door, thinking perhaps she had hit her head and gone mad.

But she was lying in a pile of straw, her eyes shut as she laughed hard enough to bring tears to her eyes. “Alex, you frightened me! I thought you were some sort of spirit coming to haunt me.”

He had no idea what to say to that, so he grunted as he pressed a hand to his chest to try to calm his heart again. Somehow, it was racing even more than it had in the corridor with Lady Calloway.

“You look positively dreadful!” she continued, sitting up. “Did you not sleep last night?”

“No,” he admitted.

“Whyever not?”

Because I was thinking about you. But he couldn’t say that, so he shook his head. “I suppose I am not skilled at sleeping in strange places.”

“Are you calling my brother’s house strange?”

“Only because its occupants are unpredictable.” Now that he was calming, he remembered precisely why he had struggled to fall asleep. Olivia had been angry with him last night. “You weren’t hurt from the fall, were you?” He crouched beside her, keeping his hands in fists so he would be less tempted to touch her. “I truly did not intend to startle you.”

By some miracle, she smiled at him and reached out her hand so he could help her to her feet. Straw stuck to her skirts and hair, and she looked an utter mess. An adorable mess. “I am easily startled, Alex. No need to feel guilty.”

“But I do feel guilty. For this morning as well as last night. I should not have presumed—”

“Alex.” She grasped his hand once more, this time with the intent to hold it, it seemed. “I was more frustrated with Simon last night, and it warms my heart to know you wish to protect me. I know I don’t make it easy.”

No, she did not. But neither did Hugh when he acted so strangely. No matter his intentions, Hugh would never deserve Olivia any more than Alexander did. A day or two of polite interactions hardly made up for a lifetime of lasciviousness.

Olivia lifted her other hand, and Alexander tensed as her thumb touched his cheek, just beneath his eye. “You look exhausted. Why did you come out here so early when you should be in bed?”

Even if he did go back to his room, he doubted he would sleep. “Your mother sent me. She fears you will never leave the stables now that Cordelia is here.”

Olivia brightened, her smile so wide that it seemed to light the whole space. “I heard her,” she whispered, like it was some great secret. “This morning, when I woke, she whinnied, as if to tell me she was here. Would you like to meet her?”

Absolutely not. Alexander tolerated horses when necessary, but he had never liked them, and he refused to disappoint Olivia when she so dearly loved—

A large nose pressed against his ear, making him jump back and smash into the stall wall. The chestnut horse startled as well, though Olivia embraced her neck and quickly calmed her. Had the beast been in the stall with them the whole time? Alexander had been so focused on Olivia that he hadn’t noticed.

Olivia laughed as she rubbed the animal’s neck, practically hugging the beast. “She may be the fastest horse in England,” she said, “but she is also the gentlest. Though, I am sorry she frightened you. She was being ever so patient, hoping you had brought her some sugar.”

“I do not have sugar.” He cursed his voice for coming out strained. Clearly the animal was nothing like the mounts he had been forced to ride, but that hardly lessened his fear. Without knowing the exact temperament of the beast, he didn’t know how to act around her. Perhaps Olivia would be satisfied if he admired her from afar. “She is beautiful.”

“And you are afraid of her.”

“I am not—” But he cut himself off, knowing he was too tired to hide this morning. “Yes, I am.”

Olivia gave him a warm smile. “You needn’t be.”

“Perhaps, but that does nothing to change the fact that I am. It is not Cordelia’s fault.” It was the many horses in his father’s stables, all bred for power and intimidation. Gentle had never been a word to describe any of them. Or Father, for that matter.

Looking around the stall, Olivia seemed to think for a moment before she picked up a currycomb that hung on a nail near the open stall door. “Perhaps we can change your mind about horses this morning,” she said and held the comb toward him.

He tucked his hands behind his back. “I do not think that is a good idea.”

“You also thought our friendship might be a bad idea.”

Ducking his head, Alexander considered telling Olivia that they should both return to the house, but he couldn’t get the words onto his tongue. He did not want to go back to the house. He had been granted an opportunity to spend a few minutes alone with Olivia, with no one watching his every move, and he would not squander this chance. He wanted her to know how much he valued her willingness to be his friend.

“Olivia,” he said, though his mouth had gone dry. “I still believe you would be better off not knowing me, but...”

Olivia took a step closer, still holding the comb out to him. “But?”

“But I treasure every moment I get with you. Your friendship has truly blessed me over these few days I have known you.”

She bit her lip, poorly hiding her grin. “You speak as if I have changed your life, but I know that isn’t true.”

“Isn’t it?”

“I have not even found you your perfect match. Although...”

He had expected this conversation to make an appearance sooner or later, but he still found himself tensing as Olivia’s smile fell. To avoid looking at her, he took hold of the comb and began brushing Cordelia’s reddish-brown coat.

“Alex,” Olivia said gently, “you do not have to tell me anything if it is too painful, but what did your brothers mean when they said you have lost someone close to you?”

There was no point in trying to avoid the subject. Olivia was far too stubborn to leave it alone forever. Sighing, Alexander tried to keep his focus on the horse as he spoke. “I met her a year ago last autumn,” he said, keeping his words soft. It kept his heart from pounding and would hopefully keep Cordelia calm. “Her name was Juliet, and I thought I had discovered an angel in disguise.”

“You loved her.”

It was not a question, but that should not have surprised Alexander. Hugh had called Juliet his beloved. “I did. Before I met her, I was...” Oh, he wasn’t certain he should admit this, but he wanted to. “I was much like Hugh and Charles. My father raised me to see myself above everyone else. To take what I wanted because I deserved anything my heart desired. For most of my life I believed him, and even after he died I carried on living my life as if no consequences could reach me. And then I met Juliet Moore.”

He paused his brushing, surprised to find his heart still beating steadily. Just yesterday he had panicked when he’d mentioned her to Calloway and his friends, but for some reason this conversation was far easier than he had expected.

“What was she like?” Olivia asked.

He smiled briefly. “Much like you,” he admitted, not knowing how she would take that. But her warm expression didn’t change, so he kept speaking. “She was kind and gentle, and she did not come from wealth or nobility, so she had no reason to look down on anyone. She was the first person who saw someone in me other than the duke’s brother, and she showed me that I could be different. I could be more than the selfish scoundrel I had been.”

Olivia snickered. “I cannot imagine you as a scoundrel.”

He shook his head, resuming his brushing. “I told you I am not the sort of man you should befriend. I have done many things I am not proud of.”

“But you have changed.”

“Yes.” But for how long? Even when he wished otherwise, he still did whatever Hugh asked of him, and he would always be a Bailey. What if he couldn’t pretend to be a good man forever?

“Were you going to marry Juliet?” Olivia asked, quieter now.

Alexander closed his eyes. “No.”

“But you loved her.”

“More than anything, but I could never have been the man she deserved. No matter what I want for myself, my life makes that impossible.”

“Why?”

“I am the brother of a duke. I will never escape that, and until my brother sires a legitimate son, I am the heir to a duchy. That will always come with certain expectations, and I would never subject a woman to that life and responsibility.”

“What if she wanted it?” Olivia’s voice came out small, and Alexander hated himself for dimming her light with his frustration.

He shook his head. “No one wants my life, Olivia. They may think they do, but there is nothing about my life that is desirable. It is suffocating . No matter how much I loved Juliet, I could not bring her into a world that would see her as unworthy. I could not bring her into a family who insulted her without reservation and used every opportunity to make her understand that she was beneath me. What kind of life would that be?”

A tear slipped down Olivia’s cheek as she watched him. Alexander wished he could wipe it away, but he kept his fingers around the currycomb in his hand.

“I understand,” she whispered. “And I am sorry that you have lived such a difficult life.”

Sighing, he berated himself for not going back to the house when he’d had the chance. He didn’t want her pity. “I did not wish to make you cry.”

“What happened to Juliet?”

He swallowed. “She died.”

“How?”

If he kept his mouth shut, he imagined Olivia would drop the subject and leave him in peace. But the ache in his chest was building, and he was tired of holding the pain inside. “Someone...” He took a deep breath when his words faltered. “She was compromised. By a well-known rake of no standing. Her parents thought it best to send her to live with a relative in the country until rumors of the scandal died down, but her carriage broke a wheel on the road and fell down a ravine. Her injuries were too great. The surgeon could not save her.”

And neither could he. It had taken him hours after she’d left London before he could no longer bear the thought of her being so far from him, and he had chased after her. But by the time he’d found her, it was too late. Perhaps if he had followed her in the beginning or offered to marry her and use his rank to overshadow the scandal, she would still have been alive today.

But Hugh had never been shy about vocalizing his dislike of Juliet. He would have made her miserable, and Alexander would have been powerless to stop him.

There was no way for him to win, and that would likely never change.

“Alexander?” Olivia put her hand on his arm, the warmth of her fingers seeping into his skin through his jacket. “I am truly sorry you have had to endure so much pain. I understand now why you are afraid to open your heart to someone new.”

He laughed, no humor in the sound. “I should not be afraid. I am the brother of a duke; what do I have to fear from anything?”

“It is perfectly normal to be afraid.” Releasing his arm, Olivia ran her hand down Cordelia’s nose, speaking as much to the horse as to Alexander. “Everyone fears something, no matter who they are.”

“You don’t.”

She sent an amused smile in his direction. “I have already told you my biggest fear, Alex.”

“You think you may never find someone to love you.” He had nearly forgotten what she’d told him when they played chess the other day. She was always so confident in whatever she did and seemed so certain whenever she spoke of finding a match. “If anyone is worthy of love,” he said, “you are. You would be the easiest woman in the world to love.” His heart throbbed in agreement.

Olivia’s face blossomed with pink before she buried her nose into the horse’s mane. “See? That is my point. I think many of our fears, big and small, are often irrational, with no real basis for existing. But that does not make them any less real.”

“I do not want to be afraid.” Alexander looked at the horse in front of him and pressed his hand against Cordelia’s side as she breathed.

Olivia was right. Perhaps he needed to put more trust in her and accept that she might know more about life than he did. Just as Juliet had. He might as well learn from both Calloway siblings while he was here.

Though it was foolish, Alexander reached out and took Olivia’s hand, petting Cordelia’s neck with his other as he moved closer to them both. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I am truly blessed to have a friend such as you, Olivia Calloway.”

Gazing down at their clasped hands, Olivia smiled in a way that warmed the very air around them. He envied the way she saw the world. She saw so much goodness, therefore exuding goodness herself, and the man who won her heart would be blessed indeed.

“I am glad to be your friend,” she said, lifting her eyes to his. “And I will always be there for you, Alex. I hope you know that.”

He did know, even if he still carried so much fear. If he accomplished nothing else in his life, he would at least ensure Olivia Calloway remained safe and happy for as long as she lived. Even after she found a man who deserved her heart, Alexander would protect her.

To his dying breath.