Page 1 of Monsters in Love: Lost in the Stars

As the truck bounces me down the dirt road, all I can think of is how my boobs are going to be everywhere without a bra... again. I should probably be more worried about what tool my partner will bring, where we’ll find water, and if I remember all of the edible plants in the area. But no, my brain has fixated on the fact that by the end of this trip I could be listening to another round of "Do your boobs hang low..." in my nightmares for the rest of my life. I'm sure the tits thing won't be as bad as I think... and everything else will be much worse.

The terrain we bounce through reminds me of videos I have seen of Hawaii, but I'm not even on Earth anymore. When some scientists accidentally ripped a massive hole through space and time and discovered wormholes, and subsequently aliens, a few years ago, I would have never pegged myself for the adventurous bitch I've become. Nope, I was a quiet, demure, little religious nut, working her nine to five, hoping that some god-fearing man would sweep me off my feet.

But when you're confronted with extremely real evidence that your entire belief system is either entirely false or missing vast swaths of knowledge, it sort of forces you to re-evaluate... and by that I mean have a breakdown.

In the weeks that followed, I wasn't the only one who lost it, we all did. It was like everything I'd ever heard about what the apocalypse would be like, except, you know, all of the people from other fucking dimensions. Growing up in a cult doesn't actually prepare you for much, certainly not for the breakdown of society, or how to deal with the knowledge that everything you ever believed was a lie.

Lucky for us, the aliens were only interested in being left alone, instead of like, eating us or something. Unfortunately, that also means they’ve left us… the scum of the universe, entirely unattended. Scientific research and interest in space exploded over night…and nothing that my cult claimed would happen did.

So, when my promised salvation didn't materialize like I'd been told from birth, I had a cute little menty-b, left the church, and then figured my shit out. Or I tried. I saw therapists, psychiatrists, religious figures, you name it. What finally worked for me? Wilderness therapy. When I’m out in the woods, it's like all the noise falls away. There's no beeping or ringing, no loud chatter from other people; it's me and the closest thing I've had to an actual religious experience. The sound of the wind, the warmth of the sun on my skin, and the surety of resolute, certain ground under me.

Spending thirty days naked in the wilderness with a stranger though? I admit, at first it was a leap even for me. But, it turned out that I was good at it—a fan favorite, even. Folks seem to like my underdog “I used to be in a cult” story. They also seem to like making fun of my huge tits.

At first, that was… a lot. After growing up in a culture where we had to cover up anything that might make a man think impure thoughts about us, going full nude was really liberating for me. That rhetoric had made me hate the way I looked, but when it was just me and my body, I began to see how powerful it was, how beautiful it was.

After a few minutes of rolling along a dirt road—that honestly looks as if it has been carved especially for our show, the modified utility vehicle pulls over to the side of the alien landscape. From everything I learned about Solaris IV, it’s a tiny bit cooler than Earth, and that explains the deep green color of the local flora. When I found out that I was going to be on the very first season of the spinoff show Bare Survival: Deep Space, I honestly wasn’t certain if I should accept. I’ve studied how to survive on Earth for years, but humans have barely been to other planets, let alone trying to survive on them. But, I am a veteran of the show, and one of the producers, Cara, is a good friend. She twisted my arm, maybe bribed me a little bit, and assured me that most of my skills would translate. I’ve spent the last six months studying Solaris IV, and even though I feel like I’m going to puke, I really think I can do this. Solaris IV shares a lot of properties with Earth, one of the reasons it was chosen as the location for the first season. The fact that it isn’t home to any sentient life is another huge selling point.

There are some large predators, but none bigger than a lion on earth. In fact, lots of animals on Solaris IV are smaller than on Earth, because the trees are so tall. Ground animals are limited to what they can forage on the ground, and it restricted their size.

The Hummer pulls over, and I hop out of the back. Turning to the camera and smiling, I say “Wish me luck!” before I peel my shirt and shorts off.

I stopped bothering to wear a bra or underwear on these drop offs after my second time on the show. Everything will be folded up and put into a locker, but the first time, some assistant wasn’t careful with my favorite underwear. I had agonized for hours over what I should wear, conscious of the fact that people all over the world would be seeing them, and they had ripped them on the side of the locker latch when they shoved them in. Once my clothes are off, I toss them in the back of the truck, and hit the side twice. Turning my head to face back to the camera following me, I smile widely.

“Now we’re off,” I say with a grand smile. “Let’s see if we can’t conquer this planet.”

“I’m gonna do that again.” I say to the camera. Let’s see if we can’t conquer this planet? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever said. I turn away again so I can retake the shot. Once I’m out there, almost everything is going to be real and raw, but I know how important it is that we get these first opening shots.

“Solaris IV is the kind of place that’s going to be full of surprises, but lucky for me, I’m the kind of girl that loves a surprise.”

Once we’ve got it, Cara yells cut and rolls down the window. She leans her arm out and gestures me closer. Five years ago, when I did my first episode, Cara was just a production assistant, and now she’s one of the lead producers. I knew, the second I saw her, with her deep, warm skin, and gorgeous poof of coily curls, her ready smile, and hearty laugh, we would become fast friends. You have to be a special kind of crazy to want to do things like this, whether you’re a contestant or on the crew. Even though they aren’t out here, naked, they are still camping pretty rough for the entire four weeks of shooting.

“Take care of yourself out there girl. We are just a walkie-talkie away, and we have cordoned off the area for fifty miles around. I’ve got you.” I lean in through the window to give her a hug, taking comfort in my friend's presence and the warm cocoa butter scent I associate with her. We’ll see each other every day for a check-in, and the medic as needed, but otherwise, for the next four weeks, it’s me, my partner — whoever they may be — and the cameras.

“I know,” I reassure her. “And don’t forget —”

“I know, if any dudes call your phone, trying to hook up, I’m welcome to string them along and leave them on read” She says with a wink. Last night, before our ship landed from where we exited our wormhole, we got wicked drunk in my room, shit talking our latest romantic pursuits. She’s had a string of bad luck, and I have had a string of people who know me from TV, but don’t know anything about me. So, maybe we’re a little bit bitter.

I wink back and leave her with a fist bump, whistling to my drone as if it’s a dog. I know there are others around, but they aren’t always visible. Usually, their operators will take them off, especially during these opening scenes, to see what B-roll they can bank before things really get started. Turning away from the Hummer and Cara, I square my shoulders, maybe make sure my ass is wiggling a bit more than needed, and set off into the alien jungle.