Page 9 of Monster

I smack the back of my head against the wall repeatedly. Every blow jarring me but bringing some semblance of pain back—the kind of pain I need. I keep doing it until I feel hot liquid running down the sides of my face and my entire head throbs. Tears are still falling, but the sobs have stopped.

As I sit, spinning the scalpel in my hands, I think about my little baby. I never wanted children. Who the hell in their right mind would ever bring a child into the kind of life I had? I wasn’t in my right mind, ever, but at least I knew not to. I didn’twantto. But now that I have had my baby ripped from me, I know it’s something I would’ve wanted.

I would’ve cared for and loved my baby with everything in me. He or she would’ve never known pain or malice. They never would have known what it was like to be hungry, or to worry about anything other than what toy they were going to play with that day.

This world is a cruel, cold, dark place I no longer want to be a part of.

What kind of place would take a sweet little innocent baby away?

What kind of place would take someone as good as my sister?

The kind of place I no longer want to be in.

The place I want to go now has my sister and my baby. We’ll all be together and be fuckinghappy.

I sit for hours, thinking about it and waiting. Not because I’m hesitating, but because I want to make sure the only kind of pain I’m bringing with me is the pain of missing them both. My sister, my lifelong savior, and my baby, the one I never knew, but the one I will soon.

The light underneath the door slowly disappears and that’s when I know it’s time.

Without looking down, I bring the blade of the scalpel to my arm and push down from the beginning of my wrist to the junction of my elbow before lifting up and doing it again, right next to the first one. I don’t feel the blade slicing through my skin like hot butter. The pain inside of me is far greater, but it’s all starting to disappear anyway.

I’m so fucking close to them; I can almost see it.

My family.

But before I go, I have to say one last thing.

“Fuck you, stars. I’ll do it without you.”