Page 15 of Monster

“Essa, I’m begging you. Please answer me,” I plead with her, my voice still shaking as I look up at her.

“I lost my baby. I fucking lost everything,” she states in a cold, detached voice. There are no feelings whatsoever attached to her words and that worries me more than anything. I feel so damn helpless.

I toss the blanket to the side and move to the bed to hit the nurse call button before taking a seat on the edge while I wait for them to show up. They’ll be able to help Essa with this more than I can. It’s only a minute before the door slides open and Joyce and another nurse rush in with frantic looks on their faces.

Once they see Essa is okay, I watch as they both heave a sigh of relief before Joyce speaks up, “What’s goin’ on, honey?” I can’t speak so I point to the blanket I dropped and to Essa’s legs. She looks in the direction of my hand and I see as a frown works its way onto her face and her eyes crinkle in sadness. She walks up to me, puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Go get some coffee, baby. Better yet, get some food. We’ve got her, I promise.” I look up at her, my curly hair blocking most of my sight, but I don’t bother to brush it out of my way. Her kind, chocolate brown eyes relax me somewhat. I take a deep breath and stand up.

Feeling worthless is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced, and it seems to be all I feel lately.

Because you’re not good enough.

My hands clench at my side as I make my way to the door, but before I walk past the second nurse who’s standing by it, I turn around and go to Essa. I wrap my arms around her from behind as gently as I can, and I kiss the top of her head. I can feel her shudder in my arms, but I don’t move away. I simply hold her for a minute, reminding her I’m here for her.

I lower my head so my forehead rests against her right shoulder and my face is in the crook of her neck. I lightly brush my lips along her neck, unable to help myself. My stomach somersaults as I feel her pulse, steady and strong, against my lips. I bring my mouth to her ear and whisper, “Remember. I’ve got you, baby girl. I’ll be back soon. Let them take care of you,please.”

I squeeze her gently, afraid she might break right in front of me, before literally tearing myself away from her and leaving the room, feeling like I’m stepping away from a vital piece of myself.