Page 116 of Marley

I’m at my house without knowing how I got there. Dave pulled up as I did, Ash already waiting at the front door. I send Joe inside.

“What happened?” I asked anyone that might have an answer.

Ashley looked at Dave, then they both turned and looked at me. Dave shook his head no, and Ashley cried.

I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this to be happening. I wanted to go inside my nice warm house. I wanted Joe to beat me at FIFA. I wanted to see my daughters in their tutu’s, showing me the moves they learnt this week.

“We have to go.” Ash stated. “Can you drive, Marls, or d’ya want me to?” I stared at her in silence for a few seconds. “Marley, we have to go.”

I held my arm out in a sweeping gesture, offering her my car. I don’t know why I did it, I just did. I didn’t even say goodbye to my kids, or Dave. I just got in the car and drove. I wasn’t even sure of the exact location of the hospital, I just knew that it wasn’t far from George and Maca’s house in Hampstead, so I headed in that direction.

The radio was playing Carnage songs. Ashley switched the system to play CDs, and Creeds‘With Arms Wide Open,’started to play.

I turned it up loud as Ash reached across to take my hand.

I listened to the words of a song about a man finding out he’s about to become a father.

My sister was due to give birth to a son in four weeks’ time. She was looking the healthiest she’d ever looked in her life. She’d not put on a lot of weight, but she was glowing. Maca was the happiest I’d ever known him to be. They’d been through so much, this was finallytheirtime. They were about to finally havetheirmoment; become parents, become a family, become complete. They’d lived a lifetime together, and yet their lives were only just about to begin.

The song ended and‘Praise You’by Fat boy Slim started to play. My car’s CD system had a function that allowed it to choose a track from each of the fifteen CDs that were loaded. I drove, unseeing, just listing to the music and trying my hardest not to think.

The Cardigans,‘Love Fool’played and I laughed because it reminded me of Maca—not the words, but the title of the song.

‘Red Alert’by The Basement Jax was up next and I cranked the sound system louder.

Eminem,‘Stan.’

Moloko,‘Sing it Back.’

Armend Van Helden,‘U Don’t Know Me.’

Oasis,‘Wonderwall.’

Nirvana,‘Smells Like Teen Spirit.’

Massive Attack,‘Unfinished Sympathy.’

Bones Thugs N Harmony,‘Tha Crossroads.’

There were others, I’m sure. Those though, were the ones that would forever remind me of the silent drive my wife and I made to the hospital.

When we arrived there was chaos; reporters, television crews, photographers, and fans. They were everywhere.

Fuck ‘em all.

I pulled up right outside. “Wait here,” I told Ash.

I walked around to her side and opened my door. Taking her under my arm, I started to walk us inside. I had no idea where I was going, but I needed to get there soon.

“Sir, you can’t leave your car there, Sir.” I turned to see a copper talking to me. I threw him the keys.

“Move it, tow it, keep it, burn it. Idon’tfucking care.”

As we walked towards the hospital entrance, I spotted one of the PR people that worked for our label. She was instantly joined by four policemen and a half dozen minders. We were surrounded. I went where they lead and when we got there, I saw Len.

We were in a private room when Len told Ash and I to sit down. He was shaking. Not just his hands, but his entire body. He had no colour in his usually olive complexion. His skin looked almost see through.

My eyes wanted to close. My brain wanted to shut down. I wanted to disappear.