Page 103 of Marley

“S’not me. Him, s’not him, I mean. Open the door, Ash. I need to sing to you.”

“Go home, it’s late.”

“No, I can’t. I’ve bed no—I’ve got no bed. It green grew mouldy you memberer?” In my head, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but my mouth had other ideas.

“Ash?”

“Rock Star?”

“Fuck, Ash, tha-that makes my balls tingle when you call me that. Say it again, baby, please, please, please.”

“Shall I tell you a secret, Rock Star?”

“Yeshssss. Yessss. Yes baby, tell me. Tell. Me.” I was seriously thinking about having a wank right there on her doorstep while I listened to her voice because for some reason, right at that moment, it seemed like a good idea.

“When you call me baby, it makes my fanny flutter.”

“Oh fuck. OhAsh. Fuck me, baby.” I tried sliding my hand down the front of my trousers, but they were too tight. I’m up a flight of stairs, in a back alley. Surely no one would see if I just flopped my todger out and gave it a lil’ tug? No one would see.

“I like that, baby. I like that a lot, that I make your fanny flutter makes me happy. Hard and happy. You gonna let me in?”

“I might.”

“G’orn. You know you wanna.”

“It’s nothing to do with whether I wanna, it’s whether I should.”

Ha, todger. That was a funny word. I wondered how someone came up with that one.

“If I let you in, are you gonna behave?”

I nod my head yes. “Absolutely not.”

“I shouldn’t even be considering this. I’ve had too much wine.”

“You should. You so should, Ash, and shall I tell you why, shall I baby? My baby, baby, baby love?”

I heard her laugh, but I couldn’t see down the intercom, so I didn’t know what was funny.

“Tell me, Rock Star ...why?”

“Coz, baby. Coz if you met le... met, fuck’s sake. If you let me in, not only will I make your fanny flutter, but I’ll make—” I suddenly get the giggles and can’t get my words out.

“What, Rock Star? You’ll make what?”

“Ahhh. Oh dear. Yeah, sorry.” I clear my throat. “I’ll not only make your fanny flutter, but I’ll make your minge twinge.”

Funniest. Joke. Ever.

I laugh so much I throw up.

“Marls?”

I stand from my bent double position and Ash was standing in the open doorway of her flat.

“Ash, I’m sry. I’m so, so sry. I’m am sorory I ran. I’m think... I think love you an... and I think I just crapped myself...”

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Back up, Rock Star. You think you love me? You mean you don’t know yet?”