Page 51

When I Ask Khaosti to Choose

A voice in my head screams for me to run.

But I don’t because excitement is fizzing in my blood. Most of me knows that Khaosti won’t hurt me, despite the edge of danger that always accompanies him. So I hold myself totally still as his big warm hand slides under my hair and cups the back of my neck. He moves even closer, so his body brushes mine and my nostrils fill with the musky scent of him—smoke and spices. The combination makes my head swoon.

I stare up into his face, my gaze caught by his hot, hungry eyes.

He’s angry about something. And he wants me. I suspect he can’t decide whether to kiss me or shout at me.

I don’t have to wait long to find out.

I hold myself very still as he lowers his head to mine and takes my lips in a savage kiss. His mouth is hard, and he nips at my lips, which part for him. His tongue is hot velvet, and he shoves it in my mouth. I can feel that he’s teetering on the edge of losing control. But instead of scaring me, the idea excites me. A lot. I bite at his mouth, and my tongue battles with his, pushing and retreating. I’m crazy for the taste of him. He wraps an arm around my waist just in time as my legs go out from under me. He pulls me against his body, and I can feel his hardness pressed against my belly.

He definitely wants me.

And he can have me. I have no intention of stopping this. I want him, all of him. I rub myself against his erection, and he groans into my mouth. Then he kisses me some more, and my head starts to spin. I need to breathe, but I don’t ever want to stop. Every cell in my body is focused on one thing only—Khaosti and the way his kisses make me wild.

But there’s something hovering at the edge of my mind. Something huge. At first, I think it’s the shadowguard again, but this is different from anything I’ve ever felt before.

I don’t want to, but I go still against him, trying to grasp whatever is loitering at the edge of my consciousness. It’s just out of reach.

As if sensing my distraction, Khaosti raises his head and stares down at me. “What is it?” he asks.

And the moment is gone. Whatever it was has vanished as though it never existed, and I want to scream.

“Amber? What is it? Are you all right?”

I shake my head. But the connection between us is broken as well, and a wave of regret washes through me. “I’m fine. I just had this weird feeling for a second.”

He steps back and studies me, his gaze wandering over my features as though he can read my mind if he looks hard enough. “You think it might be your memory coming back?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. But it’s gone now.” There was definitely something there. Could it be my memory? I search inside my head, but… nothing. “I need to go see Hecate,” I say. Maybe she’ll know.

“Just wait a moment. We have to talk,” he mutters, as if he doesn’t want to say the words.

I don’t want to talk; I’ve had enough of talking.

“What did Trystan want?” he asks.

I don’t even think about not telling him. “He wants me to persuade you to go home. He also wants me to go with you. And there’s something else. He was definitely the one who unlocked my door back at the apartment the night we met. He left me money and a note telling me I was in danger.”

He’s frowning as he processes my words. “Why?”

“You know him better than I do, but my guess is that he wanted to get me out of the way by letting the shadowguard kill me. He thinks you’re obsessed. Or maybe he wanted to take me to your father. I think it was Trystan who told him about me.”

He looks away for a moment. I think he’s trying to decide whether he should tell me something, but then he shrugs. “He wouldn’t.”

I remain silent.

“Fuck,” he growls, then punches his fist into the tree trunk closest to him. I give him a minute to come to terms with the idea that his best friend has betrayed him. Lied to him. When he finally turns back to me, his face is an expressionless mask.

“Maybe we should go,” he says. I look at him in astonishment. “The wards are failing,” he continues. “It’s only a matter of time before they fall. And when they do, this place will be overrun with shadowguard. I’m not sure I can protect you. And that is driving me crazy.”

I shudder as an image of crimson eyes flashes through my mind. Bony fingers digging into my flesh.

“My father might be ruthless, but he loves me in his own way. If I ask him for his protection, he will give it—for both of us. And he’s probably the only person who can keep you safe. And Hecate. If you can persuade her to come.”

I just stare at him.

“Think about it. This place isn’t safe.”

“And your father’s palace is?” I think of all that I’ve learned about Khronus, none of it good. I look at Khaosti but can’t read anything from his expression. “Can I ask you something?” He gives a curt nod, and I continue, “If it comes down to it, whose side are you on, Khaosti? Mine or your father’s?”

He doesn’t immediately answer, and I can feel my heart stuttering in my chest. I’ve told myself over and over that I don’t love him. But I know deep down that that’s only self-preservation. Because he will one day leave me like everyone else has. Either he’ll die—I seem to cause the death of people I care about, even if I can’t remember it—or he’ll walk away.

In that moment, I realize that the thing I’ve always wanted most is to come first. I know—it’s selfish of me. But just for once, I’d like to be the most important person in someone’s life. The person they would never walk away from. And it hurts to realize that Khaosti isn’t that person for me… and likely never will be.

“Well,” I say, “I guess no answer is an answer of sorts.”

“It’s not an answer—you took me by surprise. But…it’s complicated with my father. And I don’t know who you are or what your purpose is. Do we even know that it’s for good and not evil? Trystan told me—”

And suddenly I’m spitting mad. “I don’t give a flying fuck what Trystan told you. He’s a goddamn liar. You know me, and I’m not evil!” I’m yelling at him, but he’s pissed me off now. “Whatever was in my past doesn’t define who I am. I know what I am now . And remembering won’t change me.” I glare. “Maybe you should go back to your father, though. It will be safer for you. I’d hate to see you get hurt.” Unless it was by my hand, which right now itches with the need to punch him on that perfect nose. How dare he suggest that I’m freaking evil? He hasn’t said a word; in fact, he looks shell-shocked at my outburst. I take a deep breath. “I need to go and see Hecate.”

I turn and walk away from him. As soon as I’m among the trees, I start to run. And I run as fast as I can, just away from him. I almost expect to hear him crashing behind me, but of course he doesn’t follow. Why would he?

I run until the anger seeps away. Then I stop and wipe my eyes.

Why can’t anyone love me?

Is it too much to ask?

Obviously.

I scrub a hand across my face and then look around me, searching for some familiar landmark. There’s nothing I recognize. I’ve got no idea where I am. I could be miles from the house, but at least I'm sure I haven’t crossed the wards. All the same, there’s a pressing ache in my skull that doesn’t bode well. I need to get back.

There’s a movement off to the side. Maybe Khaosti did follow me after all. I turn slowly, just as something slams into me from behind and I crash to the ground.