Page 45

A Proper Goodbye

I don’t know how long I sit there before I come to the mind-boggling conclusion that… it’s not all about me.

Too long.

Zayne has been the one constant in my life for the last three years. I’ve leaned on him, taken the strength he’s offered, and not given anything back in return.

I’ve always been selfish. I’ve never really thought of it that way, but it’s true. I suppose I thought my problems were bigger than anyone else’s. Though to be honest, I suspect that’s still true—now more than ever.

But Zayne and Josh both went through their own personal hells. Horrible situations that ultimately led them to Lissa and Pete’s. It was a complete shit hole, but apparently, it was better than what came before.

I sort of see what Zayne meant now when he used to tell me I was lucky. That I should stop worrying about the past and just move on. Live my life. It seems now that’s not actually an option. Part of me wishes it were. But it isn’t. It makes me wonder how much choice we have. From what I’ve seen of the world—very little.

Maybe once I remember—how’s that for a positive attitude—then I can choose what to do with those memories. How to use the truths I’ll uncover.

But Zayne has had limited choices as well. He didn’t choose to live with Lissa and Pete. But he did choose to be good to me. He could have ignored me or worse. Instead, he chose to share his strength. He also chose to leave me—except that wasn’t really a choice. He’s doing what he has to do. I have friends now. Other people who will help me. Josh has no one.

Suddenly I’m drowning in a murky swamp of guilt.

I jump to my feet.

Maybe I can catch him before he goes.

I race back to the house. There’s no one around, and I head in through the front door. It slams behind me, and I stand in the empty hallway, listening. But I know there’s no one here.

“Zayne!” I call out just in case, but there’s no answer. No Hecate either. I leave the house and jog around the back toward the stables.

Stella hears me coming and nickers, raising her head from the grass and stepping toward me slowly. Then Hecate appears in the stable doorway. She looks at me, obviously seeing the question in my eyes, and shakes her head. “He’s gone.”

“But I have to see him,” I say, “I have to say I’m sorry.”

She frowns. “What for?”

“I made it hard for him to go. He’s doing what’s right, and I was selfish. I didn’t want to lose him.” I take a deep breath. “I’m scared.”

“I know you’re scared. You’re right to be scared, but he is as well. Scared for you, scared for himself, scared for your little brother.”

“He told you about Josh?” Zayne has never been one to talk about his private life with outsiders. Though maybe he no longer sees Hecate as an outsider.

But then, I’m the same. Probably worse. After all, I’ve never mentioned Josh to Hecate. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m still trying to push him away, pretending that he’s not important to me.

“Yes. He told me. He loves you both, but you’re the stronger one, and he knows that.”

I snort. “I’m not strong. I’m pathetic. I can’t even remember my own name.”

“Don’t wallow in self-pity,” Hecate snaps. “It doesn’t suit you.”

She’s right. I stand, breathing deeply, trying to get my thoughts together. “How long has it been since he left?”

“About half an hour?”

“Then I can catch him if I ride fast.”

“Go then,” she replies. “Make your peace.”

I hurry to where Stella is waiting for me. She’s so clever. It’s almost as though she reads my mind. I don’t bother with a saddle or bridle; I just grab her mane and pull myself up onto her back. And then we’re off.

Hecate shouts after me, “Don’t leave the wards.”

“I won’t.”

I clutch onto Stella’s mane and move with her as she races down the grassy track. We’re going in the opposite direction from when we arrived here. I’m riding fast, the countryside a blur on either side of me. It’s exhilarating. I’ll find him. I know I will.

I’ve almost given up when I spot them far up ahead. Two riders.

“Zayne!” I call out. “Stop.” Nothing happens. They’re still riding away. They can’t hear me. I push Stella on. “Zayne!”

Finally, he pulls up and turns to look back at me. I can’t see his expression, but then he slowly rides toward me. I keep up my gallop until we’re only feet away. Then Stella rears up and skids to a halt. Holding onto her mane, I tumble off, managing to stay on my feet. Zayne also jumps down, and then I’m in his arms, and we hug. I’m crying. I bury my face in his chest, breathing in his familiar scent.

I pull back with a sigh. “I’m sorry. I was a selfish bitch.”

“I know,” he replies, but I can hear the amusement in his voice. He doesn’t hate me. He understands who I am. Not perfect. Not even close.

“I know you have to go back and help Josh,” I say. “And I’m happy for you to do that. I just—” I give a helpless shrug. “I’m just… scared.” There, I admit it to him. “Scared that I’ll never remember. Or scared that I will remember, and I won’t like what I find out. Something horrible is going on here, and I’m at the heart of it, and I think it’s all my fault. Maybe I did something bad. Maybe I am evil, and I don’t...”

“Stop,” he says. “Stop. What’s happening here started thousands of years ago. How can it be your fault? Besides, you’re not evil. You’re essentially good. I knew that the first moment I met you.” He tucks my hair behind my ear and stares down at me. “From the second I saw you, I knew you were special. I knew you were meant for something bigger than me. But we can always hope, we little people.”

“You’re hardly a little person. You’re a goddamn basilisk. You have wings; you can breathe fire. Just don’t do it where anyone can see you.”

“I won’t. I’ve had that lecture from Khaosti numerous times.” He sighs. “Look, we have to go. The sun will go down soon, and we want to be over the mountain by then.”

“I know. I just… I couldn’t bear to leave it like we did.”

“I’m glad.” He pulls me in for one last hug. “Stay safe.”

“Ha, I’m not sure that’s an option.”

“Well then, watch your back, don’t trust that fucker Khaosti, don’t kiss him, and definitely don’t—

“Enough.”

He laughs. “You know what I mean. I’ll come back when I can. If I can. And you will remember.”

“Of course, I will. Now go. I don’t want you on that mountain in the dark.”

He gives me one last searching look. “I love you, princess.”

“I love you, asshole.”

I stand watching as he turns and pulls himself up into the saddle. He doesn’t look back as he rides away, and I stare after him until he disappears over the bridge.

Then I allow myself to cry.