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I Discover a Bit More about Myself...

“C lear your mind,” Hecate says.

“I can’t.” There’s too much going on in there.

I slept alone last night. In fact, I haven’t seen Khaosti since I left him in the stables yesterday.

“You have to,” she snaps. “We’re running out of time. I’ve received word of more attacks.”

I hate that people out there are being hurt, dying. Because of me. And I’m tucked up here, safe inside the wards.

I swing my sword in an arc, then stab the blade into the ground. “Maybe we should go out and fight them, then.”

“We can’t risk you. Besides, until you have your memory back, you can’t stand against the shadowguard. And they are closing in.”

I grit my teeth as frustration swells inside me. “My memory is never coming back. If it was going to, it would have by now. There’s something broken inside me. You have to accept it. I don’t know what I was supposed to do once I remember, but you need to find another way.”

“There is no other way. You are our last hope.”

That’s tough for them. “Hope for what? Finding this mirror? Why is it so important?” She remains silent. “Yeah, right. You can’t tell me that either.”

She studies me, tension radiating from her body; then her shoulders sag, and she looks defeated. And suddenly, I feel like a complete jerk.

“It’s not just the mirror,” she says. “That is merely the first step in a journey you must make.”

Oh goody. No pressure then. A headache is pressing on my brain, and I rub my forehead, trying to ease the stress. Hecate looks at me sharply. “Are you in pain?”

“Just a headache.”

“Have you felt anything similar before?”

“No.” Then I remember back to that first night when I met Khaosti. And when we were attacked by the shadowguard on the way here. “Maybe. The night the shadowguard chased me.”

“They are hunting for you. The wards are failing. There’s less time left than I thought.”

That doesn’t sound good. “Maybe you should just tell me what you know. Maybe that will trigger the memories to come back. You don’t know until you try.”

“But I do know. Because the things that really matter—the things that will save us— I don’t have that knowledge. Only you have that information locked inside your head.” She looks at me, a slight frown pulling down the edges of her mouth.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” I say. “What aren’t you telling me?”

She bites her lip, and I don’t think she’s going to answer. Finally, she admits, “I believe that if I tell you what I do know, you will stop searching for the rest. And I won’t risk that.”

“Is it so bad?”

She shakes her head. “Just understand—you have to remember.”

I go over the conversation. She’d said there are “things” only I know. As in more than one. I know there’s the location of the mirror, but what else? “Can you just tell me what other things I need to remember? Just a hint?”

I must sound desperate because she considers it, obviously searching for something that won’t send me running for the hills. “How to raise your magic,” she says.

I stare at her for what seems like an age. “I have magic? Why didn’t you tell me?”

A brief smile flickers across her face. “I thought you would have figured that out for yourself by now. You’re Astrali, after all.”

“Do all the Astrali women have magic?”

“While all the purebred females have magic, it’s rare in the males and even in the females, it can be insubstantial. But I believe you are the strongest to be born in living memory.”

I sit down on the grass because my legs are weak. I hug my knees while I accept the truth I’ve been avoiding. I’m not human. It’s one of the many things I’ve pushed to the back of my mind and told myself I’d think about later. Now I force myself to face it.

I’m not freaking human. I’m Astrali, like Khaosti. And Hecate.

So if I’m Astrali, does that make me a goddess? What would Zayne say to that? I snort at the idea. Sorry, but no one is ever going to convince me I’m a deity!

“Why didn’t you tell me about the magic sooner?”

“There was no point until you got your memories back. Magic is different for each of us,” Hecate says. “It awakens at some point after our twelfth birthday, although it’s inside us at birth. You were sixteen when we lost you, and your magic still hadn’t awoken. I would have come to you when it did, helped you learn how to bring it forth, control it. But I can’t tell you how it will be for you because everyone has their own journey. Only you will know that.”

At least she’s telling me something. That thought must show on my face.

“This isn’t specific to you. Which means my telling you shouldn’t hinder your memory return.”

“Why not tell me earlier?”

“I say shouldn’t , but I don’t know for sure.” She throws up her hands in obvious frustration. “You’re not the only one in the dark here, Amber. This is new to me. But while there are no absolutes, every bit of knowledge and intuition I possess screams that you have to do this yourself.” She closes her eyes for a moment and breathes deeply. “The truth is—I’m getting desperate. We can’t hold out indefinitely. And I’m afraid now that Khronus knows your whereabouts, we will be attacked on all sides.”

“Does Khronus know who I am?”

“No.” She looks away for a second, her expression shadowed. “But maybe he suspects.”

Perhaps I should go with Khaosti to see his father. Maybe he’ll tell me more than Hecate.

She must guess at the thoughts running through my head, because she says, “If he ever confirms your identity, he will kill you without a second thought.”

Great. Little Ms. Popular, that’s me. Maybe she’s just saying that so I won’t go. But I don’t really believe that. I trust Hecate.

She reaches out and rests a hand on my shoulder. “You must want to remember with all your heart.”

“I do. It’s all I’ve thought about for the last three years.”

“No. There’s a part of you that fears what you might remember—that you won’t like what you find. The person you were. But you must have faith in yourself. You know deep down who you are and who you want to be. Your memories can’t change that. Trust yourself, Amber.”

I want to argue that I do trust myself. But her words strike a chord deep inside me. I’ve always had a nagging doubt that there must be something seriously wrong with me. Otherwise, why did no one come for me? Why did no one want me back? Now I know there were reasons, but that doubt has become an integral part of me. I can’t seem to let it go.

She squeezes my shoulder and then steps back. “I must leave you now and do what I can to strengthen the wards.”

With a nod, she walks away, leaving me sitting on the grass. I rub my forehead, then I lie back and close my eyes.

I’m not a princess, but maybe I am a freaking goddess? I snigger. Nope. Someone got that very wrong.

But I’m also a witch.

Who can’t remember how to do any magic. Great.

“Amber.”

I blink open my eyes as someone speaks my name. Then I sit up abruptly as I take in Trystan hovering over me. I glance around, looking for Khaosti. But Trystan is alone, and a shiver of unease washes through me. I definitely don’t trust Trystan.

At least my headache has gone. Does that mean Hecate managed to strengthen the wards? I hope so.

“What do you want?” I ask and don’t try to hide the animosity in my voice. I scramble to my feet; I don’t like to be at a disadvantage with this man. My sword is still stuck in the soft earth, and I pull it out, wipe the blade carefully on my pants leg, and slide it into the scabbard at my back.

“I’m not your enemy,” he says.

“Maybe not. But I don’t think you’re my friend, either.”

“I have been before, and I could be again.”

What does he mean by that? There’s only one thing he could mean. “It was you—that first night we met—who unlocked the door and left me that note and the money?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re an innocent in this. And you’re caught up in something you can’t understand.”

That doesn’t ring true, mainly because he doesn’t come across as the altruistic type. “I don’t believe you. Try again.”

He gives a shrug. “Okay. Then because you’re messing with Khaosti’s head. He changed after he got the message about you.”

“Of course, you know about that.”

“Khaosti tells me everything. We’ve known each other a long time.”

Unlike me, who’s only known him a matter of weeks, I suppose. I guess he has a point.

“He became obsessed with finding you—said it was Khendril’s wish.” His eyes harden. “He always had a soft spot for Khendril.” He almost sneers the name.

“So, what? You released me hoping those things would finish me off?” Bastard!

“Of course not. I planned to come for you, take you to safety.”

“Of course, you did.” I don’t try to hide my sarcasm.

“It’s true. But I was delayed. And Khaosti beat me to it. By the time I got there, you were gone.”

There’s a ring of truth in his voice now. I’d wondered how his father knew about me if Khaosti didn’t tell him. Now I can guess the answer to that one. “You were going to take me to Khaosti’s father. You’d already told him about me. You knew Khaosti didn’t want his father to know, and you betrayed his trust.”

“Of course, I didn’t. I don’t know how Khronus found out about your existence.”

Liar!

I’ve had enough of this conversation, and I turn to go back to the house. I don’t like being out here alone with Trystan; it makes me feel vulnerable.

“Amber, wait.”

I don’t want to wait, but there’s an urgency in his voice, and I slowly turn back.

“If you care about him at all,” he says, “then you’ll persuade Khaosti to go home. And you will go with him.”

“Why?”

“Because he can’t go up against his father. No one can. There’s a reason Khronus has ruled for so long. He’s powerful and he’s ruthless. Being his son won’t keep Khaosti safe if he betrays his father. And Khronus will see his disobeying a direct order as a betrayal.” He stares at me, and I suspect this time he’s telling the truth. “Do you want him dead?”

Of course, I don’t want him dead. My heart stutters in my chest as I try to imagine a world without Khaosti in it. He’s become so important to me in such a short time. “He won’t listen to me.”

Trystan snorts. “I think you’re the only one he will listen to.” He studies me through narrowed eyes. “I just don’t get it. What is it about you?”

“My lovely personality,” I suggest flippantly.

His expression hardens. “Just talk to him. Khronus has promised you won’t be harmed.”

That’s another lie, but I don’t push him on it. I’ve had enough of his company. “I’ll think about it.” I turn to go again, but at that moment, Khaosti appears from the tree line. He takes in the two of us, and a frown forms between his eyes.

He stalks toward us, all leashed power. I get the distinct idea that he’s not a happy bunny. A low growl rumbles from his chest, and his eyes gleam feral as he stops in front of the other man. “Piss off, Trystan. I fucking told you not to go near her.” His voice is low and rough-edged.

Trystan licks his lips. For the first time, I see real fear in his face. “We were just—”

“I don’t fucking care. Get out of here now.”

Trystan scowls. He looks at me, then back at Khaosti. Something he sees there must convince him it’s in his best interests to leave. He gives a curt nod, then walks off in the direction Khaosti appeared from.

I watch until he disappears into the trees, then turn to face Khaosti.

His eyes are gleaming, his body tense.

Another growl rumbles in his chest as he reaches for me.