Page 35

When I Still Don’t Know Who I Am

N ot the freaking answer I was hoping for.

I want to scream or cry. I thought…

What did I think? That I was going to get all the answers and live happily ever after?

Zayne reaches across under the table and squeezes my thigh. That almost pushes me over the edge, and I sniff and blink back a tear. I look up and find they are all watching me. I can’t take their pity. I catch Khaosti’s gaze. There’s no pity there. He’s no doubt thinking what a whining little wimp I am and that I’m not worth anyone sacrificing their life for.

I just feel so… let down. I was sure I would find out the truth here. Now I’m no longer certain that I even want to know.

Except that’s not true.

I take a moment to compose myself. I’m not going to break down in front of Khaosti, however much I want to. Nope, not happening. I square my shoulders. “Just tell me one thing,” I say.

“If I can, I will,” she replies, and I believe her.

“Do you know who I am?”

She gives a small nod.

I grit my teeth as anger sizzles through me. Better than feeling pathetic, anyway. “Then why the fuck can’t you tell me?” I take a deep breath. “Please, I need to understand.”

She’s silent for a moment, then she gives me a small nod. “Okay, this one thing, then you eat and sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, and we’ll talk more then. But you’re tired, and I’m in need of some thinking time. This has come as a surprise to me. A wonderful surprise, but still, I need to decide how to move forward and what to do about you all.”

She pours herself some more wine while she considers what to say. “When you were a baby, you were given some knowledge. It was transferred to your memory.”

“The location of Lucifer’s Mirror?” Khaosti says.

“Among other things. It was information that was rightfully yours.” I want to scream at her—why? But she’s already continuing, “But now, only you have that knowledge. So while I can tell you who you are, it won’t help you retrieve those memories. And we need them.”

She studies me for a minute, then continues, “You need to want those memories more than anything. You need to dig deep inside and retrieve them for yourself. Only then will you remember the things you need to know. Otherwise, they will be lost forever.”

It makes sense, but all the same, frustration wells up inside me. And disappointment. And anger. All bubbling and ready to overflow. It’s not as if I haven’t been freaking trying to remember for the last three years. My hands fist at my side, and I grind my teeth. Does she really think I’ve just been accepting my memory loss?

“Calm down, princess,” Zayne murmurs. “There’s smoke coming out of your ears. It’s not helping.”

He’s right. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, counting my breaths as my therapist taught me, feeling them slow. When I open my eyes, they’re all still looking at me with varying expressions.

Thanouq and Therion look intrigued. Zayne looks concerned. Winter appears sad. Khaosti, I can’t read. I suspect he’s purposefully keeping his expression blank. The Crone—I really can’t keep calling her that. “What is your name?” I ask.

“Hecate.”

I hear Khaosti’s sharp indrawn breath. “That’s impossible,” he says.

“I think you’ll find nothing is impossible, young prince, if you’re willing to open your mind.” With that, she pushes herself to her feet. “I’ll leave you now. Someone will bring you food and then show you where you can sleep. Rest tonight, and tomorrow we will work.” She comes around and stands before me. “Except you. You need to come with me. I need to take a look at that injury.”

“It’s fine.”

“You can still show me.”

I stand and cast a last look at the others. “I’ll be back. Don’t eat all the food.”

Hecate leads me across a hallway and into a small room. I loiter just inside the door as she moves about, filling a bowl with water, then adding something from a bottle and whispering words over her witch’s brew. It begins to steam, and the room fills with a sweet scent. It reminds me of the night Sheela healed Zayne back on Earth, and I breathe deeply. Instantly, my mind feels clearer, and the exhaustion lifts from me.

“So you’re a witch,” I say.

“Of course I’m a witch,” she replies, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Now come here.”

She tugs my shirt over my head, tosses it on the bench beside her, unwinds the bandage, and stares at me. She runs her finger over the wound, and I shiver. “It’s healing nicely,” she says.

“Khaosti put a salve on it.” For some reason, I don’t like her thinking badly of Khaos. I mean, I don’t trust him, but he has saved my life more than once.

“Hmm. I think we can do a little better than that.” She soaks a cloth in her bowl of magic and presses it to my side. There’s a brief sting, and then the last of the pain fades away. When she removes the cloth, the angry red line that ran down my side is gone.

I stretch my arms above my head and revel in the lack of pain. I grin, and then I realize I’m half-naked in front of a virtual stranger, so I drop my arms. She hands me my grubby T-shirt. “I’ll find you clean clothes in the morning. Now I think food and sleep are more important.”

My stomach rumbles as if to agree with her. She comes to stand in front of me, rests her hands on my shoulders, and stares into my eyes.

“I know you haven’t gotten the answers you wanted but understand that you have made me very happy. I thought you were lost and that the end would ultimately come. We had nothing left to fight with. Yet now you are here. And remember, you’re not alone. I will find a way to help you remember; I just have to think on it.” She bends down and kisses my forehead. She smells of cinnamon, flowers, and sunshine. “Now go, eat, sleep, and we’ll talk more tomorrow.”

And then she’s gone.