Page 92 of Loving Bad

"It also made me realize that I need more than you will ever be willing to give," I revealed. Great sex and no clearly defined arrangement wasn't what I wanted anymore. I wanted the whole relationship thing and he would never be able to be that person who could give me that.

It was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to say, but I needed to. I felt the sting of tears, but I fought not to break down.

"Don't put words in my mouth," he shot back as the realization of what I was saying sank in. I saw the determined glint in his eyes. "You have no idea what I'm willing to do to keep you."

I took a shaky breath and felt the first tear slide down my face as I tore my gaze from him. It hurt too much. It felt like my heart was splitting in two.

"Leaving town was a mistake and I admit that. I need you to understand why I did what I did," he tried to explain, but I was past excuses.

I pressed my lips together as another tear slid down my face and I refused to look at him. If I looked at him, I wouldn't be able to remain strong enough to do what had to be done.

I wasn't trying to bring him down or hurt him. I wanted him to realize why things would never work between us and life was too short to waste time on something that wasn't ever going to be enough.

"Sex with you is...so good—more than good—but I need more than a physical relationship," I explained to him softly as I looked at him to gauge his reaction.

"What if I want to give you what you want?" he asked, his eyes bright and nervous.

"You've never dated anyone," I argued softly, so badly wanting him to be able to be the person I needed him to be, but I couldn't expect him to become someone he wasn't. I think I was the first person he'd slept with more than once. How could I expect someone like that to change? A nagging voice in my mind couldn't stop the doubt that the guilt of what happened to me was pushing him into this.

"But what if I want that with you?"

I didn't know what to say. I held my breath as another tear slid down my cheek and I held his gaze. His thumb brushed the tear away. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to throw my arms around him and hug him tightly to my body.

"No, it won't work," I said, refusing to give him hope. His guilt was pushing him to do this.

"Why are you being so stubborn?" he said, sounding exasperated with me. "I want to give you what you want, and I don't understand why you won't let me."

"Because you left me!" I snapped, yelling at him. I'd lost the control on my temper unexpectedly. He stood back like I'd physically slapped him.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down. His eyes sought mine, but I looked away for a moment before looking back at him.

"How am I supposed to believe that you want that when, before the attack, you left me? You didn't give me a chance to explain—you just left. If you cared for me, you would have listened to what I had to say, but you didn't. You only came back because of what happened to me."

He was shaking his head at me as he flicked his tongue against his lip ring.

"Honestly, I don't think you would have come back if Eric hadn't attacked me, and that hurts," I told him as another tear slid down my face, attesting to the heartbreak I was suffering.

I hadn't planned on revealing to him how much he'd hurt me, but there was no hiding it now. The hurt was still firmly lodged in my heart. I was breathing hard and I clasped my hands together. I hadn't planned on losing it like this.

"I need to explain to you why I left," he said softly. His eyes pleading with mine.

There wasn't any explaining that was going to change my mind. I was starting to feel tired. I didn't know if it was because of my ordeal or the emotional exhaustion that was making my energy levels wane.

"And youoweme a chance to explain," he told me softly.

I lifted my eyes to his. I wanted to give in and take whatever he was offering, but I couldn't. After everything I'd survived, I deserved more than just settling for what he could give me. I was being selfish.

"No, I don't," I stated as calmly as I could.

"Don't do this, Tay," he warned softly.

I had no choice.

"I think you should leave," I told him, holding his gaze. He looked at me with a hard look and I saw his jaw clench. He swallowed hard as he held my gaze. A tense silence settled over us as we stared each other down.

"I'll leave," he said, "but I'm not giving up."

One more intense look and he turned and left, closing the door quietly behind him.

I let out a shaky breath as I tried to keep myself together. Tears slid down my face and I brushed them away, trying to console myself that I'd done the right thing for both of us.