Page 64 of Loving Bad
And there it was, that look again.
"I know that you didn't want to tell me about your past, but after your brother came to see me I couldn't stop myself," he reasoned softly. I bit down on my lip.
"There were so many things about you that just simply didn't add up. Your naivety and lack of knowledge."
I swallowed hard as he paused for a moment.
"Then your brother came to see me and told me to stay away from you. That just pushed me over the edge and I had to know. I tried asking your brother, but he wouldn't tell me so I did the only thing I could think of, I googled your name."
It hadn't been hard for him to find out. A simple Internet search would have brought everything up I'd been trying to hide. He took a step closer as his eyes held mine.
"I've been through some rough shit, but I don't know how you survived what happened to you," he offered softly.
I swallowed hard to keep the emotions from bubbling over to the outside. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath to keep the tears at bay. When I opened my eyes again, Sin was standing closer, but he didn't touch me. He stood only two feet away as he watched me while I struggled to rein in my emotions.
"I don't like it," he said softly to me. I wasn't sure what he was talking about so I gave him a questioning look.
"What?" I asked.
"I don't like seeing you upset," he answered and I felt my heart melt a little. He had the power to make me feel alive and he had the power to make me feel like I couldn't go on.
Just thinking about what happened was enough to evoke a whole array of emotions. Talking about it was worse, which was one of the reasons I didn't like talking about it. It was just too emotionally draining. I'd been to endless shrinks and I'd talked about it so much, but no amount of talking would erase the events of that day or bring my parents back. All talking did was remind me of that horrific day.
"You don't have to talk about it," he said as he reached out and caressed my cheek with his hand.
He'd told me he knew everything so anything I told him wouldn't be anything that he hadn't already read about, but I felt that I had to tell him the story in my own words. Everything he'd read would have been correct with the facts of what had happened, but I was the only who was able to relay the events with the human emotion because I'd lived it.
"I've been trying to forget that day for as long as I can remember," I began. He reached for my hand and held it in his.
"I was nine." I swallowed hard. "It was a Friday night and Connor went out to a party. He was eighteen at the time and he'd planned on sleeping over at his friend's house."
That night had started off as a normal evening. I'd pouted a little when he'd left. I loved my older brother and at that age I'd worshipped the ground he walked on. In my eyes he could do no wrong and he loved me just as much. He loved to do things with me and didn't mind me tagging along with him most of the time.
"I spent the evening watching a movie with my mom and dad. They liked to do that with me so I wouldn't miss Connor too much when he was out," I told him, smiling at the fond memory I had of them.
My mom laughed and my father wrapped his arm around me and gave me a hug. I'd been so loved. At that time it had been so normal and I'd give anything to go back to that. I swallowed the emotion down as I tried to continue.
"Sit," Sin instructed as he pushed me down to sit on his bed. I rubbed my forehead and I tried to get my thoughts together as he sat down next to me, still holding my hand.
"I'm not sure what time they tucked me into bed and read me a story. My mom gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me to have sweet dreams. My father came to kiss me goodnight and told me he loved me. It was our usual routine for bedtime."
It was strange that some memories were blurry as you got older and it was harder to remember them, but there were just some memories that didn't dull with time and that night was one of them. I could recall everything, the good and the bad. Sin squeezed my hand for reassurance that I wasn't alone and I gave him a weak smile in return.
"I'd been going through a stage of having nightmares and that night I woke up scared. I held my favorite teddy, Mr. Cuddles, tightly in my hands and went to my parents’ bedroom to ask my mom if I could sleep in the bed. Still half asleep, my mom opened her covers and I climbed into the bed bedside her."
I paused for a moment and took a deep breath and expelled it.
"I was jolted awake by my mom. She was scared and shaking. My dad wasn't in the room. She'd told me to remain calm and to hide in the closet. Confused and still half asleep, I asked her what was wrong. She whispered to me that there was someone in the house and told me I needed to be quiet. I didn't understand what was happening, but I did what she told me. Once I was safe inside the closet she closed the doors. There was enough of a gap to be able to see my mother walk to the door."
I dropped my eyes to the floor for a moment as I built the courage to continue. It was hard talking about those events and remembering the last memories that I had of my parents.
"You don't have to," Sin said as he took my other hand in his. I looked at him.
"You know everything, but I need you to understand why it was something that was so hard to carry around with me. What you read would have given you all the grim details, but I want you to understand why I am the way I am," I tried to explain.
As hard as it was, I carried on.
"There was some noise inside the house and I heard my father shout. My mom looked frantic and scared. I'll never forget that fear that I saw on her face. She hurried back to the closet and got me out and then she led me to the window. She opened it up as quietly as she could. I wanted to stay with her, but she begged me to be a good girl and to climb through the window."