Page 51 of Loss and Damages

Jemma

Thunder rumbles outside, and I tighten my hold on Maya who mews in her sleep. She’s lucky—she’s been out for the last three hours. It’s past midnight and I haven’t been able to drift off, and not because of the thunder and lightning.

I have doubts. Huge doubts.

Giving up, I crawl out of the bed in Jeremy and Tara’s spare room and gently cradle Maya in my arms. I have to move her to her crib if I’m not going to lie with her, or she’ll roll off.

As gently as I can, I carry her to her crib in the corner of the room where she wiggles for a moment, pops her thumb into her mouth, and falls back into a deep sleep.

I breathe a sigh of relief. I wouldn’t have minded rocking her, but Tara’s trying to train her to go back to sleep without help. I’m lucky Tara lets her sleep with me at all. I’d be a terrible mother.

I pad into the kitchen and put milk on the stove to heat to make old-fashioned hot chocolate. I could use the microwave, but the apartment is so quiet I don’t want to wake anyone.

“Can’t sleep?” my brother asks, shuffling into the kitchen.

“No.”

“The storm’s loud tonight. Maya okay?”

“Yeah. I put her in her crib before I came out here.”

“Thanks.” Dressed in a plain white t-shirt and a pair of cotton lounging pants, he sits at the table and watches me. “What’s the matter? I always know when you’re melancholy.”

“I’m an artist. Isn’t that all of the time?” I ask wryly, wrinkling my nose at him.

He turns, resting one arm on the table and the other on the back of his chair. “Maybe for some artists, but not you. Is it Milano?”

“His name is Dominic.”

“Him? I thought you were missing Leo.”

Slowly, I stir the milk and it swirls in the saucepan. “I am, but I can miss Dominic, too. I think I asked him for too much.”

“What? A castle in Scotland?”

I know he’s teasing, but the joke’s sour. “If you’re going to make fun of me, you can go back to bed.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“I think you did, a little, but you told me you didn’t care about his money.”

“I don’t, but my opinion of him still stands. He’s not a nice guy.”

I continue to stir. The milk is starting to steam and I’ll be able to add sugar and cocoa powder soon. “What if I could tell you he changed.”

“It would have to be a pretty big change to impress me. He bought the homeless shelter, did you know that? He’s going to tear it down and put up something else. All because it has the misfortune of being close to the river.”

I add the sugar and let it dissolve, then add the cocoa powder. “He told me he’s not going to tear down the shelter, or the 1100 block, and he’s going to help the people who live in the trailer park and business owners in Oakdale Square.”

Jeremy lifts his eyebrows. “Did he mean it? Wow. What brought that on?”

I tell him what’s been bothering me since I left Dominic standing in the middle of Leo’s bedroom. “He said he’d do it for me.”

“Jesus, Jemma. That’s a lot. Are you serious?”

I stir the hot chocolate, dark, like Dominic’s eyes. “Yeah.”

“What’d you say?”

“I told him I didn’t want him to do it for me, but he didn’t get it and I don’t know how I could have explained it. I don’t want him to do it for me. I want him to be the kind of person who would have done it for himself, because it’s the right thing to do.”

Jeremy sighs. “You know he’s not like that.”

“I know. I know and now I’m stupid and in love, and he’s breaking my heart.”

He steps up behind me, reaches over my shoulder, and turns the heat off. He moves the saucepan to a cold burner and pulls me against his chest. His t-shirt smells like the fabric softener Mom used when we were kids and I find comfort in the scent.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” he asks, rubbing my back.

I try to laugh. “What would you say?”

“What I have to say wouldn’t involve words.”

I do laugh then. Jeremy isn’t short, nor is he weak, but there’s no way he could go up against Dominic and come out the winner. “I think he’s been hurt enough.”

“He’s hurting you—”

“I’m hurting myself,” I talk over him, “by asking for something he can’t give me. I should have known better.”

Jeremy sets two coffee mugs onto the counter, and I pour the hot cocoa into them.

I place the pan in the sink to soak and sit with Jeremy at the table.

He adds fluffy swirls of whipped cream just like Mom used to do when she would fix this for us at Christmas.

Dad would always add peppermint schnapps to his, and when we were old enough, we did too.

We don’t tonight, and I would be surprised if Jeremy had any on hand.

I never do, preferring wine over anything else.

“Jemma, you’re tenacious. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes it’s bad. When our neighbor’s dog ran away, you spent the whole day trying to find him. You hollered until your voice disappeared and you gave yourself a sore throat. Do you remember?”

I frown. “Kind of.”

“Everyone gave up looking, but you found that mutt in an alley, scared as all get out, covered in garbage. Mrs. Donahue was so thankful she gave you twenty dollars. Christ, you were what? Ten? Mom was in hysterics because you were running around the city by yourself. But you found that little dog, and he might still be lost if you had given up.”

“I remember now. I gave that twenty to a homeless man near the same alley.”

Jeremy rolls his eyes. “Of course you did. Or that time we were in Macy’s last year and Tara wanted a certain dress for Maya.

You searched the entire store for that dress in her size.

Asked every salesperson. No, couldn’t order it online, that was unacceptable.

You found one, on a different floor. A customer had decided not to buy it. ”

“Tara was mad at me, too,” I remember, poking my finger in the mountain of whipped cream.

“Yeah, she was. Maya was tired, and it was only a dress, easily found online.”

“What’s your point, Jeremy?”

He licks at his whipped cream and says, “You have to know when to give up and when to keep going. You didn’t give up on a dog, a living, breathing animal, because he was scared and going to starve.

You didn’t give up on a dress, but it was only a dress, something Maya didn’t even need.

Jemma, what does Dominic mean to you? Do you love him, or do you only think you do because you miss Leo? ”

“I never loved Leo.”

“I know you didn’t, but he was your best friend for over a year. He took up all your free time, and then some. I can’t imagine what losing him must be like for you. And then not even a week later Dominic shows up to fill that void. Do you love him? Because if you truly do, the answer is clear.”

Leaning forward, I ask, “What?”

He squeezes my hand. “If you really do, then you wait him out. And if that doesn’t work, wait some more, and if that doesn’t work, wait some more , because you wouldn’t give your heart to just anyone. Dominic, somehow, has earned it, now give him the time he needs to keep it.”

“What if he never figures out what I need him to figure out?”

Jeremy grins. “ Then I get to kick his ass.”

I squeeze his hand in return. “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem. Can I ask you a favor, though?”

“Sure.”

“When you and Milano kiss and make up, can you keep Maya for a few days? Tara’s always wanted to see a Scottish castle.”

“Absolutely. It will be good practice.”

He narrows his eyes and sets his empty mug in the sink. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Goodnight, Jem.”

“Goodnight.”

Jeremy steps toward the living room but then turns around. “Hey, do you remember what Mom used to say?”

“She used to say a lot of things.”

“Yeah, she did. She said something about storms, remember? Always look for the rainbow after a storm.”

“I remember.”

“Get some sleep. I have a feeling you’re going to have some rainbows coming your way.”

Quietly, he walks out of the kitchen.

“I hope so,” I say to myself. “I hope so.”

The next morning, the rain has stopped, but as I drive home, I search for a rainbow, and there isn’t one to be had in the entire sky.