Page 7

Six

Difficult Choice

S he had the power to break him, as well as mend him. It was a terrifying realization. Yet, there was no one else he’d rather trust with his heart than her.

Tristan paced the length of his room, hands in his hair, fighting the urge to tear it out. His anger burned as hot as his love for her, anger greater than he had ever felt before.

He loved her. He respected her—and her beliefs. Even if he didn’t share them. But her choosing it over him…

Was it silly of him to be this mad? The reflection of fear, desperation, and devastation in her eyes caused by him… the burning love with which she had looked at him despite it. He didn’t deserve it.

But how could she do this to you? You’ve been the one who’s been there for her when her God hadn’t. And now, when He suddenly decides to send a messenger and say a few nice words, she oh-so-loves Him and chooses Him over you. This is betrayal!

Tristan did feel betrayed, but he also thought it was kind of pathetic to feel that way. Alexa would never betray him. But it was true that, after the mysterious messenger from Illinois visited her in the hospital, she had changed. Her views on her former beliefs had changed. She was a believer again.

Yet, up until today, they hadn’t had this conversation. Every other time she brought it up, something always distracted her without Tristan’s effort. Tristan didn’t like what that man had told his Alexa—that Tristan was sent to her by God.

A God who forsook his mother? A God who let him suffer his curse? A God who never cared for him, not even a little, all his life? Now He claims that He sent Tristan to Alexa?

It was laughable.

Which it is. Can you imagine Alexa choosing that God over you? Loving Him more than you? Putting Him first in her life and you—what, second to Him? Can you stand that?

He couldn’t. But what could he do about it? He couldn’t lose her. Oh, he couldn’t .

He would rather lose his own life than lose her and go back to his old self—or an even worse state, now that he knew what life with her was like.

Then tell her, the dark voice urged him. Tell her to choose between you and her God.

Tristan shook his head. That was crazy. And ridiculous. He respected her, and he couldn’t do that. Yes, he wanted her to choose him; it did feel like a betrayal when she said her Bible forbids her from marrying him if he wasn’t a believer. She sounded like she wouldn’t sacrifice her faith for him.

But him, for her faith.

Tristan sank to the floor and leaned against his bed. The dark voice continued to echo in his mind.

The God who forsook your mother. The God who lets you suffer from your curse. The God who hasn’t cared for you, not even a little, all your life.

And Alexa wanted to choose that God over him.

It was a betrayal.

Before he knew it, he was resolved. And he was painfully aware of his heart breaking inside.

* * *

Alexa hardly slept that night. When she woke up in the morning, she reached for her phone. To her great relief, Tristan’s usual message awaited her, even if it was just a Good morning, angel.

Perhaps he wasn’t as mad at her for running her mouth as she thought. But that didn’t mean Alexa wasn’t mad at herself. Why did she have to say that to him? Why couldn’t she have kept quiet until the right time presented itself? According to Tristan’s new plan, they’d have had time before he proposed. Couldn’t she have waited, hoping that by then, he would have a change of heart toward God?

But no, she had panicked and let her thoughts slip.

She wanted to see him. What she’d tell him when she did, Alexa had no idea; she just wanted to see if he was alright. The torment in his eyes had haunted her thoughts all night.

Alexa waited until around eleven. When he didn’t show up by then, she realized things weren’t going to fix themselves and drove to Tristan’s house. He had said he wanted to be alone, but she also knew he wouldn’t send her away if she showed up unannounced.

Alexa parked her car in the driveway of the Knight residence and noticed with relief that Albert’s sedan wasn’t there. She hadn’t told Cassie about their fight either; it was better kept between just herself and Tristan.

Alexa walked up to the portico and rang the bell. A few seconds later, the door opened, revealing a slightly disheveled Tristan.

For a moment, they stood there, staring at each other. He looked surprised, and she felt dumbstruck.

Alexa wanted to close the distance between them and kiss him, to forget what had happened yesterday. But she reined herself in. What if he still wanted to be left alone?

“I-I just wanted to see if you’re okay,” she stuttered at last, feeling stupid as heat rose to her cheeks. This was Tristan, for goodness’ sake. She didn’t have to be so awkward with him.

But the tension in the air was too much for her to handle—so was the intense way he regarded her.

When all he did was stare at her, Alexa’s heart dropped. He probably thought it was obvious that he wasn’t okay. She shouldn’t have come. She should’ve given him the space he requested. But how could she stay back when he was leaving for South Africa tomorrow and she wouldn’t see him for a few days?

How could she let him leave when they were still fighting?

“If you don’t want to see me now,” she began and looked away as her eyes turned wet. Stupid tears. “I’ll just go.”

She turned to leave, but Tristan grabbed her by the arm, turned her back to him, and crashed his lips to hers. Alexa kissed him back immediately, just as hard, reaching her hands up to tangle them in his hair. She trembled when he groaned and pulled her closer, and arched her body to press up against him.

He kissed her like he was trying to tell her, without words, how much he loved her and wanted her. Then, he broke apart and whispered, “Him or me. Your choice.”

Alexa’s racing heart skidded to a terrifying halt, and her daze broke. “What?” She opened her eyes and met his gaze, already fixed on her. His eyes were guarded, reminiscent of the Tristan she had first encountered.

“You said it yourself,” he spoke softly. “That your Bible forbids you from marrying me if I’m not a believer. Lexa, I will become a Christian for you, attend church with you every Sunday, and read the Bible if you want me to, but none of those will be genuine. And I’m sure you don’t want that, that your Bible considers that a sin.”

Her eyes darted frantically, shifting back and forth between his. “B-but—”

“So it’s either your God or me. You can’t have both.”

Her heart stuttered. He almost looked like a stranger when he hid his feelings from her, even as his voice cracked.

“This is not the man who respects me,” she whispered, gaping at him. “Why are you doing this to me, Tristan?”

“Because I love you, and I want to know if this is a dead-end relationship.” His voice was tinged with a hint of frustration. “I want to marry you and, I don’t know, perhaps build a family eventually. I love you too much—I can’t bear it if I can’t be with you because of some religious rules. So I want to know what this— us —is before we take it too far and fall apart later. Can you blame me? Can you say I’m wrong?”

Alexa couldn’t. Tears streamed down her face. Tristan sighed and brushed them away.

“I love you,” she said shakily.

His guard lowered just slightly. “I love you more.”

Love you more . It was the first time he ever told her that. Like he no longer believed they loved each other equally. Like it wasn’t enough when she told him last night that she didn’t love him any less.

Her heart broke even more. What had she done?

“But I can’t choose…”

Tristan closed his eyes and touched his forehead to hers, grasping her face between his hands. “I want to know if loving you is a losing game, Lexa. Even if you don’t choose me, my love for you is like the ocean; nothing can stop it. It will flow as long as I’m breathing. But I can’t do this if we can’t be together—if I’m not allowed to have you fully to myself. It’s torture, angel, having you but not really having you. I can’t do that. My frail heart can only suffer so much.”

Alexa controlled her breathing and pressed her lips together to keep any noise of her heartbreak from leaking. She tried to find her tongue, but then she asked herself, what was she going to say to that?

He was right. It was torture having him but not really being able to have him. And the longer they kept going, knowing they couldn’t end up together, the more it would hurt.

When she didn’t answer, he continued, “Come to me before I leave for the airport tomorrow, if I’m your choice. So, if you don’t come, I’ll know what your decision is, and we will stay out of each other’s lives.”

Alexa couldn’t believe she was hearing this from him, that this was truly the boy she loved and not an imposter. That someone who had gone to such lengths to give her the best birthday ever, bought her a sports car and had confessed his love over a hundred times, would do this to her.

But deep inside, she knew he would. That the boy who did all that would also do this.

Because he loved her.

Alexa had never known love could be so frustrating. She didn’t want him to do this to her—to them.

“I’m doing us both a favor,” he said and stepped back, dropping his hands from her. “I love you forever.”

How could he say the most beautiful and the most heartbreaking words at the same time?

Alexa met his electric-blue eyes, hardly holding herself from breaking down in front of him. He needn’t say it; it was written all over his face.

He loved her enough to let her go.

She turned abruptly, stomped down to her car, and drove, not stopping until she reached her house. Then, in the safety of her room, she broke down into a fit of sobs.

* * *

Alexa stayed in her room until it was time for her shift. She didn’t want to leave her solitude, but she had to. So she dragged herself out of bed, got ready, and headed to the Caffeine Crave café.

She pushed through the hours with the facade of a girl who didn’t just get her heart broken by the boy she thought would treasure it at all costs.

But then again, hadn’t she done the same to him?

When she returned to her house, Cassie was already there. Her shoulders sagged in relief; Alexa had been yearning to confide in her sister.

“You’re early today,” she called out, walking to the kitchen, following the noise coming from there.

“Yes, and I grabbed us dinner from Sean’s Seafood. Why don’t you call Tristan and ask him to come over—if he’s not planning to dine with his dad instead?”

Alexa stood rooted to the entrance and fiddled with her hands. When she didn’t respond, Cassie looked over her shoulder, likely to make sure she hadn’t been talking to the air. Her energetic aura dropped instantly.

“Lex? Are you feeling well?”

Alexa urged her feet to move forward. “Tristan and I fought.”

“Oh, a lovers’ spat.” Cassie waved a hand dismissively, the light returning to her eyes. “I would’ve asked, ‘ Already ?’ but if you’re fighting, it means you’ve taken your relationship to another level. Cheer up, sis. You two are working, just like I knew you would.”

If she and Tristan were fighting about anything else, Alexa would’ve cracked a smile now. “It’s not what you think it is.”

“Oh, come on, who started it?” Cassie asked curiously, leaning her hip against the island and crossing her arms, ready to listen to Alexa’s drama. “Probably you. Tristan’s not capable of it.”

A humorless chuckle escaped her. “Well, it was my bad, but Tristan’s the one putting up the fight now.”

Cassie’s eyebrows flew up in surprise. “You’ve got to be kidding me. What happened?”

Alexa hoisted herself up onto the counter and told her everything. Cassie was speechless by the end.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Alexa brushed a tear from beneath her eye.

Cassie wrapped her in a hug. “I’m so sorry to hear that, sweetheart. I can’t believe Tristan did this either; it doesn’t sound like him.”

“I know, right?” Her voice cracked. “I mean, I knew he had a grudge against God, but I never thought he would use that against me, that he would act like this . I guess I never knew because we’ve never had this talk before, and every time we did stumble upon the topic, he’d always smile and nod it off.”

“Nonetheless, he has no right to make you choose; that’s so ungentlemanly of him.” Cassie’s voice hardened.

“Still, I love him. He’s never acted this way toward me, but I also know he’s doing it because he loves me and doesn’t want us to get hurt. I just… I just don’t know what to do.” Alexa buried her face in her sister’s shoulder. “I can’t lose him, Cass…”

Cassie rubbed her back in comfort. It took a moment for her to respond. “I’ve never seen you so happy and full of life until Tristan came into your life—you’re always bursting with energy and glowing like you swallowed the moon. We all make mistakes, and say things we don’t mean when we get mad; that’s the way the world works, and I think that’s what happened with Tristan too. He just needs time to cool down, and I’m sure he’ll come to his senses and realize what he did was wrong. Never let him go, Alexa, never. What I’d advise is, to give him time.”

“There’s no time, Cass. Tomorrow—”

“No, not tomorrow. You are going to wait until he returns from the trip as a curse-free man. Seriously, Lex, you know him better than I do. Do you really think he’d be able to stay away from you?”

Well, no. But she also knew how determined he could be, especially when it came down to protecting her. He loved her enough to torture himself and stay away.

“I will never underestimate him,” she said.

Cassie pulled back to look at her, her eyes slightly wide. “You’re saying he would stay away?”

“He loves me.”

Cassie’s face screwed up in what seemed like pent-up frustration. “For once, I wish he’d stop acting like a freaking book boyfriend.”

“Do you think it’s indeed bad to love an unbeliever?” Alexa blurted out.

Cassie was silent for a moment. “I don’t think I have the answer you seek, Lex. I’m just like you, remember? A toddler Christian.” As an afterthought, she added, “Do you want to ask John? I’m sure he’ll have answers, or we can call his uncle—”

“No.” Alexa shook her head. “I don’t want anyone else to know about this. I haven’t even told Daphne.”

Cassie sighed. “Alright then, how about we look up some blogs or videos about it?”

“Sounds better.”

Cassie immediately pulled out her phone and Googled: is it okay for a Christian to date a non-believer? She opened the first result and read it aloud. And the two main points in the article stood out in Alexa’s mind for the remainder of the day.

Marrying a non-believer was out of the option if the Christian was to remain obedient to God.

And—

Dating a non-believer was less problematic, but still unwise because the whole point of dating was about finding a marriage partner. Otherwise, it was a dead-end relationship.

Dead-end relationship. Exactly Tristan’s words.

Later that night in her room, in her mounting frustration, Alexa went through YouTube videos that discussed this topic. They all had the same opinion. Then, there was another video that said the non-believer partner not respecting their partner’s faith meant it was God’s sign you should leave them.

Alexa immediately shut her laptop and got down from her bed.

Her Tristan wasn’t like those people. And she definitely wasn’t going to leave him. He was the best thing to happen to her; why, even Jesus had testified that.

Jesus.

Alexa stood still and closed her eyes. Jesus, talk to me. Jesus, talk to me. Please confirm that Tristan is meant for me so I can tell him You actually told me so. Please, I can’t choose between the two of you.

She paced the length of the room, murmuring under her breath, “Talk to me, talk to me,” like a mantra for the next half an hour before giving up.

“So, that’s it?” she said at last, looking up at the ceiling. “You’re not going to talk to me after all those things you said through Haxsel? Here I thought you didn’t think I was unworthy of hearing You. Do you only talk to people like Haxsel who are God-fearing to the core and a walking Christian flag?”

She waited. No response.

“How can I know You’re still watching over me if You don’t even speak to me when I ask for help? I don’t want to doubt You, I don’t. But if You continue to be silent, just like the last time—” She paused abruptly, her heartstrings tightening, but she pressed forward, “—you’ll leave me with no other choice than to think I’ll never be worthy of You, never be good enough, never… equally cared for.”

No response.

“Really?” She threw her hands up in frustration and disbelief. “I’ve been defending You to Tristan, and this is what You reward me with? Silence?”

Silence.

Tears pricked her eyes. She sat down on her bed and glared at the floor. Why are You always silent?

Thoughts whirled around her mind like leaves in the wind the longer she sat there, fighting back her tears.

If you don’t choose Tristan, you will lose him. Forever.

Giving him time would be foolish. What if, after breaking his curse, he moves far away and keeps his distance from you true to his words? Because when you don’t show up at his house tomorrow, he’s going to believe you haven’t chosen him. And you will never find him again.

If you love him, choose him. God is not going to abandon you just because you decided to keep the love of your life. God is love, He knows your love for Tristan. Love matters and love conquers all. Don’t lose the love you’ve found with Tristan.

God is love. She repeated in her mind. Why hadn’t she thought of this before?

God gave her Tristan. Tristan’s love was the most beautiful thing in her life. She’d be a fool to lose it.

Resolved, she set the alarm on her phone and went to bed.