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Twenty Four

Heart Surrender

I t may have been hours or even days. Alexa didn’t know how long she clung to Tristan’s lifeless body until she was pried away from him gently at first, and then by force.

She shouted in protest, flailing her arms to reach back for him. She writhed against the person—or people—holding her back as unfamiliar men, accompanied by a puffy-eyed Albert, lifted Tristan’s body onto the stretcher.

They were taking him away. They were taking her Tristan away.

“No!” She slipped down from the bed, and when the arms of the person loosened around her, she tried to lunge forward. But the person held her back. “No! Don’t take him away! Please!”

She knew where they were taking him. And she wasn’t ready to see him again when they brought him back.

He’d be in a coffin, dressed in a black suit. And Alexa didn’t want to see the love of her life like that.

She just wanted to hold him a little longer.

The person holding her back was murmuring something to her gently, but Alexa tuned out their words. She kept thrashing as she watched them carry Tristan out of the room.

Albert turned to her with devastated eyes and walked back into the room instead of following the men outside. “Alexa, dear, we have to prepare his body for burial.”

“I’m not ready!” She threw herself into his arms as he opened them.

“I know, my dear. I know…” He sucked in a sharp breath. “I’ll take you to the funeral home and give you more time after everything is prepared.”

“I can’t see him in a coffin, Albert!”

Albert didn’t say anything.

A moment later, it clicked with her that her Tristan was in the hands of strangers. She pulled away from Albert abruptly. “You should go with them.”

Albert kissed her on the top of the head before he turned and left the room. Alexa sank back into the bed and glanced at the people who were with her—for the first time.

Her mom and Daphne. Both of them had red-rimmed eyes. Alexa had no idea how long they had been there, but she assumed Cassie had informed them.

Her chin began to quiver, and her mom sank into the bed next to her, pulling her into a hug. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

Daphne sat on her other side and took her hand, interlocking their fingers as she, too, cried silently.

He was gone. Truly gone. And she was left alone.

* * *

The funeral was tomorrow, and Tristan’s family members were already there. Alexa wanted to be alone, so she shut herself in his room. No one stopped her.

At some point, Albert knocked at the door. He came in and handed her the key of her car, saying they found it in Tristan’s pocket. She bit down on her bottom lip to keep from crying again and accepted it without a word.

“Your happiness is my everything.”

Tristan’s final words echoed in her mind as she lay on his bed. She had no idea how she was going to find a shred of happiness when she was feeling furious at the moon for shining its light through the windows. She wished for the rain clouds to hide it.

Life had lost its meaning the moment his eyes had stopped looking at her.

Alexa had no strength to cry anymore. She cradled the car key to her chest and closed her eyes against the moonlight. She was no stranger to grief, but she couldn’t help but think it was unfair the moon was illuminating the night when her whole world had fallen into darkness at the fall of her beloved lone star.

Tristan’s last moments didn’t leave her mind. The sight of life leaving his eyes haunted her.

With her dad, it hadn’t been the same. She and Cassie had been forced to stay outside the hospital room when he took his last breath. They hadn’t gotten to say a proper goodbye, to tell him one last time that they loved him. But at least they didn’t have to witness the horrible sight of life leaving him.

Because Alexa was sure Tristan’s last moments were going to haunt her for the rest of her life.

Who would be there to comfort her when she had nightmares then? Cassie was no longer in the next room to run to.

There wouldn’t be Tristan watching over her and jumping in to comfort her like he did years ago when she had a nightmare. She couldn’t call him. He couldn’t answer his phone. He couldn’t run to her as he had promised her he would.

“Just call my name, and I will run to you.”

Alexa sat up, chest heaving as she took shuddering breaths against the sobs threatening to escape her. Her head hurt; her heart, soul, everything inside her hurt. She couldn’t cry again.

She patted the space next to her in search of her phone and checked the time on it. 5:30 am. She hadn’t realized a new day had arrived.

Cassie and John would be landing in two hours. Alexa slipped her car key into her pocket and slid out of the bed. She stood there and looked around the dimly lit room. The mural on his wall, his paintings, his piano…

Everything hurt to look at.

Not only because they belonged to him—but because they evoked sweet memories that were now too painful to think of.

Alexa walked into the bathroom. The fragrance of vanilla and coffee beans hit her nostrils, and the next moment she sank to the floor, breaking down. It felt like hours before she pulled herself together and stood up to wash her face.

She almost didn’t recognize herself when she looked in the mirror. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy; her entire face looked swollen and red. Her hair was a bird’s nest—a result of her tossing and turning throughout the night, struggling to find rest.

She took off her shirt, now stiff from how many times she had blown her nose into it, and placed it on the counter before stepping out of the bathroom. She walked over to his closet and after a moment of hesitation, opened it.

She stared at the wide range of black clothes and the smaller range of colorful ones. A sad smile tugged at her lips, remembering how she had teased him for his black outfits and how they went shopping to buy him colorful ones.

Even though he had claimed she inspired him to be colorful, black was still his favorite. And it was her favorite on him too.

Alexa reluctantly reached for a black hoodie. She hugged it to her chest and inhaled his cologne that lingered in the fabric before tugging it over her head.

It was cozy and too large on her. But that was how Tristan preferred it whenever she wore what was his.

“The best part is that you look even more adorable in it.”

Sucking in a sharp breath, she closed the closet and moved to his dresser next. She ran her nails over the polished wooden counter and was about to walk past it when her eyes hooked on the two drawers. She felt an irresistible urge to pull them open.

She stared at them, debating.

“Everything I have goes to Alexa. Everything.”

She sighed and pulled open the first one, as silent as she could. The tidiness inside didn’t surprise her. But what caught her attention instantly was a small, rectangular box. It looked like the kind she had seen in movies where people kept something incredibly precious to them.

Her curiosity piqued. Alexa picked up the box and opened it.

Nothing could’ve prepared her for what was inside.

Her breath hitched. Tears refilled her eyes. Her heart, after it stopped for a second, pounded faster.

It was her ribbon. The one she had hitched with her earrings on both ends to use as a marker at the stone bridge that day she tried to take her life. She had left it tied around one of the rails, the exact point where she was going to jump from. But she had completely forgotten about it after Tristan saved her.

He had found it. He had taken it. He had kept it.

It had been with him all these years. A part of her, shut in an intricately designed box.

Why did he never mention it? Maybe he forgot about it too? Or maybe he was planning to, but he never got the chance?

That made sense because Tristan Knight never kept a thing from her unless he had a reason to—like surprising her on her birthday with his paintings of her and the sweet story behind one of them.

Alexa wrapped the ribbon around her fingers carefully. She placed the box back in the drawer and shut it before backing toward the bed and sitting down.

He loved her so much that he even treasured a silly ribbon that belonged to her, the one she had intended to mark her death with. She wondered if he knew that.

“Promise me you’ll keep living.”

It all started, truly started, from that bridge. Where she had wanted to end her life, and he pulled her back. Where he realized he loved her. Where she took one look into his fear-filled electric-blue eyes and started falling.

Alexa shot to her feet. She ran her hands through her hair to tame it, grabbed her phone, and walked out of the room with purposeful strides. She didn’t stop until she reached her car in the driveway. She didn’t even look around for Albert or anyone else to inform them that she was leaving for a certain place.

She got behind the wheel and drove.

Rolling down the windows, she let the icy morning breeze brush her face and hair. The people she saw on her way, going normally about their day, made her feel envious. They presumably had struggles of their own, but none of them would be as soul-crushing as what she was enduring right now.

The smell of food and coffee from the restaurants and cafés she passed in the town square—the ones that usually made her stomach growl and mouth water—now made her nauseous.

Everything around Alexa, including the sun that shone through the rain clouds, grated on her nerves. She would much prefer it if it rained and matched the void in her heart.

Alexa slowed the car when she reached the stone bridge and parked in the same spot she had that day. She killed the engine and stared ahead. Minutes later, she shot a quick text to Albert telling him where she was. She told him she would be back, that she didn’t want anyone to come looking for her if she was late for the funeral, not even Cassie when she arrived.

Then, she got out of the car and walked over to the bridge.

Her knees shook with every step closer to the spot where her life had turned upside down.

She refused to touch the bridge rails until she reached that spot. And when she did, it was like opening a treasure chest of memories—everything from that day rushed back to her. She closed her eyes, and the scenario became clearer.

“What were you thinking?”

Alexa froze, despite her body shaking violently. That voice…

She turned around, and the strong, masculine arms around her loosened, though they refused to let go entirely.

Electric blue eyes, wide and horror-struck, met her gaze.

“What were you thinking, Alexa?” His question was gentle this time, his voice as soft as feathers but drenched in pain.

“Tristan,” Alexa breathed, and it was all she could say.

“Yes… Yes, it’s me.” He looked like he wanted to give her a smile, a small one of assurance, but there was so much pain on his face that his effort became a grim expression. “I’m here.”

Alexa gripped the rails like her life depended on them. It hurt to dwell on those memories now. She opened her eyes and, without intending to, eyed the rushing water below.

She had the ribbon, she was alone and driven by despair greater than the one that led her here last time, and she was standing on the exact same spot. There would be no Tristan to stop her this time. She wasn’t planning to jump again, but the similarities between both times were a mocking reality.

But it hadn’t been Tristan who stopped her then, had it?

It had been Jesus.

But she hadn’t listened to Him. So He sent Tristan.

He had rewritten her story that day. He had brought her back to life.

Tristan had merely been the person He used to change her life. And now, He had taken him back, without giving them a chance at life together, even for a short period.

Because Alexa chose Tristan over Him all those years ago.

This realization hit Alexa with a force that made her stagger back in shock.

Tristan had apologized for making her choose, for causing her to sin and lose God’s protection which led to her falling victim to Merissa’s spell. But Alexa hadn’t paid attention to his words then, and now she had all the time in the world.

And she knew where she had failed.

A sob tore from her chest, and she covered her mouth. She felt horrified. It was all her fault! If she had refused to choose, let Tristan go, and stayed firm in her faith, she would’ve had God’s protection like John and her mom.

Tristan was right; she would’ve found him when he returned. And his memories would’ve returned when he saw her. Jude and Merissa wouldn’t have succeeded because, by that point, Tristan would have surrendered to Jesus too. And they would’ve had a chance to live together until his time was up.

They would’ve even had a child by now. A child she could’ve lived the rest of her life for, as Tristan’s widow.

But no, she had lost it all because of her stupidity and paranoia.

“Jesus, I’m so sorry.” Her chest constricted. The shock of this realization was almost too much to bear. “I am so sorry!”

She sank to the ground on her knees and bent forward with hands clutching her hair. Then, she broke down in surrender.

“I’m so sorry. I have sinned. I have turned You down. I was afraid I would lose him if I didn’t choose him then. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but now it has truly cost me him. He’s gone—he’s gone forever. I can’t believe this is all my fault!”

Thunder rumbled in the skies.

“I was na?ve, I was stupid, I was scared… but I know they aren’t excuses for not standing by my faith and choosing You over him. I deserve to be punished, but I wish it didn’t cost me two years without him if his death was inevitable. I just… I’m truly sorry!”

I elicited this upon myself. This is my fault. I’m a hopeless wreck.

Alexa…

Alexa froze.

Do not be afraid, my little lamb. For I have called you by your name. You are mine.

She took in a sharp breath. She knew that voice. It was the same one that had tried to stop her from jumping down this bridge and she had turned a deaf ear to.

But I’m so unworthy! I turned my back on you even after you saved my life —

She gasped in realization. Her eyes snapped heavenward.

“It was You ! You saved my life that night on the rooftop! You pushed me away from Tristan before the lightning struck him…”

I did.

Why?

Because I love you.

Sobs wracked her body, shaking her to the core.

I have never left you alone, my little one. I went before you when I sent you into a situation. I walked behind you and beside you. I have been with you in every step of your life. I was silent, but I never left. I never stopped working. Everything I did was for your good; every pain, every obstacle… it was all for your good.

“B-but it still cost me Tristan,” she whimpered. “How can that be good?”

Because you need to realize that the meaning of life you’ve been looking for was always before you. You thought it was Tristan. He became your god the moment you chose him over me; the moment you declared you loved him more than anything else in the world.

Alexa’s eyes bulged. She had never meant it to be that way…

I know you didn’t, beloved one, but it is what happened when you chose him over Me. You shall have no gods before Me…

“S-so I’ve committed a greater sin than I thought I did…” Fear gripped her heart. “ I betrayed you. ”

But I’m still reaching out to you, Alexa. My love cannot part itself from you. Come back to me.

Alexa shook her head, tears running down her face. “I don’t deserve it.” She leaned her back against the bridge and hugged her knees to her chest. “I betrayed you. I’m no better than Judas.”

My beloved child…

Those three words filled her chest with immense warmth. It overwhelmed her. Comfort . She felt comforted.

My forgiveness is for those who ask for it. Ask me, and receive my forgiveness.

Alexa closed her eyes. The weight of her guilt and agony was pressing down on her soul. At that moment, she knew she wanted to be free. She finally wanted to take upon the offer that had been before her all her life.

“Forgive me,” she whispered with trembling lips. “Please forgive me, Jesus. Because I have been blind all these years, but now I see. I chose the world over you. I chose the love of my life over you. I chose myself over you. I am a sinner. I have betrayed you. I wish… I wish I could go back in time and do all this right, but that’s not the way it works. Please forgive me, Father, please release me from this burden…”

You are forgiven, my beloved Alexa.

Alexa sobbed with relief. Rain poured down from the heavens. It washed over her, slowly soaking her to the bone. But she didn’t shiver with cold. She relished the warmth that consumed her whole being.

A sense of joy filled her. It was almost surreal—impossible. She had thought Tristan was her sole happiness. That, after him, it was impossible to feel joy again. But here she was.

She pressed her forehead to the bridge. “I surrender! I surrender, Jesus. I swear I will live all my life for you! I will never ever let you down again… even—even when life doesn’t make any sense.” She took a shuddering breath. “Even when it hurts like hell that—that I’ve lost the most amazing man you brought into my life. Just… just give me the strength to live without him…”

Look up, my beloved.

Alexa raised her head and lifted her eyes to the gray skies. Rain kissed away her tears.

You have not lost him.

Her eyes widened. “You mean—you mean he’s in heaven?”

It was a mere feeling, but Alexa felt like God was smiling down at her.

Look to your right.

Her heartbeat took on a wild rate, but she did as He said. She looked to her right. Her eyes struggled to focus through the sheets of rain blurring her vision. But there, at the far end of the bridge, stood a figure.

Tall, pale-skinned, and clad in black.

She froze.

The man’s searching gaze landed on her. And he broke into a run.