Page 31 of Let the Game Begin

“Get out.” I walked over to my desk and picked up a pack of Winstons. I needed a smoke and to clear my head.

“What’s your deal? Have you lost your mind?” she demanded, still on her knees with her makeup smeared, her lips shiny with saliva. She looked disappointed and furious at the same time. One of her cheeks was red where I had slammed her face against the door. The sight of her repulsed me and made me feel like an uncontrollable animal. I was disgusted with myself and this madness of mine. I didn’t understand how women could tolerate it.

“I’m not feeling it tonight,” I told her while lighting a cigarette. My hands were shaking, especially my right. I should have stayed in alone and gotten myself under control the way I usually did.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Jennifer screeched, coaxing a malicious smile from me. She had no idea how right she was.

“I never claimed I wasn’t.” I took a drag and stared at the glowing cherry on the end of the cigarette as it slowly burned. Sometimes I felt like that bright ember, other times like a pathetic pile of ash.

Jennifer left, slamming the door behind her. She knew she wouldn’t get any more of my attention tonight. Silence fell inside my room and I tried to get my thoughts in order. I had to admit that I was surprised—that hadnever happened to me before. I’d never thought about one woman while I was with another like that.

I didn’t even remember exactly what had happened with Selene, and that tormented me. I knew that I was her first and that I’d taken her virginity, but all the details were fuzzy. I felt an irrepressible urge to relive that singular moment between us—sober this time—and commit it to memory. I wanted to brand her slender body as my own.

Out of love? No. Out of pure selfishness.

***

The next morning, I got up with the sun. Ever since I was small, I had believed that by doing this I would be able to anticipate my own fate for the day and change it. Obviously, it was just a delusion of mine, but I still did it when I needed to keep a wretched feeling at bay. Like my anger, which had gotten increasingly unmanageable since I’d quit therapy.

I took a shower—the first of many—and went down to the kitchen for a coffee. Then, I went out into the garden and lit up a cigarette.

“Good morning, Neil,” said Anna, appearing before me with her hands folded in front of her, already looking tired. It couldn’t have been easy, taking care of a huge house like ours without any help. Yet Anna was always good natured. Maybe that was why I actually got along with her.

“Good morning, Miss Anna.” I stubbed out the cigarette butt in the ashtray and got up out of the deckchair. Anna tilted her head to look me in the face and smiled at me.

“I made breakfast for you,” she informed me sweetly with that maternal air that she had always reserved for me, ever since I was a child.

“It’s freezing out here,” she chided me, as I was wearing just a pullover and a pair of jeans. It was cold outside, but I didn’t care.

“I’m not hungry. You don’t have to worry about me.” I rested my hand on her shoulder and we walked into the kitchen together, where we found my mother and Matt deep in conversation.

I muttered a cursory “good morning” and went up to my room to grab my car keys before I needed to head to campus. I was thinking about becoming an architect, despite firmly believing that graduating with a degree wasan impossibility for someone like me. I had given up on life. Hope was the small, bright lamp in the recesses of the soul, but mine worked only intermittently. When it flickered off, I became more unstable and the nightmares of the past came back to me. Though, if anyone ever asked, I would deny those nightmares even existed.

I walked back to my room, lost in these dark reflections, when my attention immediately snagged on Selene’s half-open door. I drew closer and saw her sitting on the end of her bed, trying to put her shoes on one-handed while holding a cell phone in the other.

“I can never forgive him, Mom,” she said decisively. A lock of auburn hair fell across her face and she immediately tucked it behind her ear. “Yes, I know that. Iamtrying to build a relationship with Matt.”

What a little liar.

She wasn’t trying to clear up anything with her father; she simply ignored him whenever she found herself sharing space with him. I knew that the state of affairs was hurting Matt quite a bit.

Selene got up from the bed and bent over to pick up her bag off the floor, giving me the opportunity to study her ass. The tight jeans she wore showed it off to divine effect. It was small but high and firm—the perfect size for my hands and for all those fantasies about her that I wanted to make reality.

I’d been with many women in my life, but in that moment, I must have looked like a teenage boy, drooling over an ass like I’d never seen one before.You are an idiot,I thought to myself, leaning against the doorframe. Slowly, I nudged the door open with my foot.

Selene got off the phone, turned around, and jumped.

“How long have you been there?” she demanded, annoyed, as she eyed me up and down. The way she flushed told me that Babygirl liked what she saw—more than just a little bit, too.

“Long enough to know that you’re lying to Mommy,” I teased, winking at her.

“Were you eavesdropping?” She looked at me like I was a serial killer. It was honestly adorable.

“Actually, I was checking out that cute little ass of yours, Tinkerbell,” I admitted easily. Her ocean eyes grew wide, and she blushed again. She stillhadn’t gotten used to my plain speaking. She stood there, defiant, with her arms folded.

“You have a few screws loose,” she said rudely. Then, she approached me and tried to pass, but I stuck out my arm to block her way.

“Where do you think you’re going, Tigress?” I teased her in a low tone. Selene drew herself up stiffly, and my eyes fell to her breasts, small and perky, left partially exposed by her simple camisole. I wanted to rip it off her and suck on her skin until I left bruises. Yes, I very much wanted to do that. Again.