Page 25 of Let the Game Begin

“What are you doing in my room?!” He tried to get up, but I immediately raised a hand to halt him. Was he insane? The last thing I wanted right then was to see more of his nude body.

“Do not sit up!” I demanded sternly. Neil registered first the sheet wrapped around my body, then that he himself was completely naked.

Sigh.

“Calm down, Selene.” He balanced on his elbows, motionless. He was beautiful, brazen, and terribly attractive as he stared at me like a guilty little imp, but that didn’t change the reality of the situation: I should never have made a mistake of this magnitude.

“Calm down? Calm down?” I shouted furiously. I knew, though, that the fault was mine, not his. If I was going to be angry with anyone, it should have been myself.

“Hand me a pair of clean boxers. I can’t just stay like this all day.” He sighed and adjusted a chestnut-brown lock that had fallen over his left eye. Every movement he made was alluring. I shook my head; now was not the time to be bewitched by his erotic energy. Not after I had already fallen victim to it.

“Are you seriously more worried about your boxers than about what happened between us?” I was stunned by his equanimity.

“Do you want me to deal with this while I’m naked and not allowed to stand up? Check the dresser.”

He had a point. I immediately went hunting for a pair of boxers. Once I’d found them, I threw them to him and turned around so he could get dressed. In the meantime, I stared first at the blank wall and then at the desk, where there was a laptop, some books, and two photos of him with Logan. Neil couldn’t have been more than eight or nine in either of them. I noticed that there was no sign of any mementos from his adulthood.

“You can turn around now,” he ordered after a few moments, and I obeyed. I found myself presented with a spectacular tableau: Neil was seated on the bed, his muscular body saved from nakedness only by a pair of boxers. He had the weary but satiated expression of someone who’d had a really good time the night before.

“This is a real shitshow,” he remarked, chewing nervously on his lip as he took in our clothes, scattered all over the floor.

“What were we thinking? Neil, I was wasted.” I started pacing again in total panic. “I’ll never be able to forgive myself.” I accidentally stepped on something, and I froze when I looked down and realized with was a torn condom wrapper. Neil followed my stare and was silent for a few moments. The overwhelming evidence of what we’d done the night before just kept piling up.

“Selene, it was an accident. We weren’t thinking clearly.” He was trying to comfort me, but a bitter laugh escaped my lips instead. Sure, it was an accident. One that could have been easily avoided if I had been just slightly less stupid or slightly more mature in my decision-making.

“That’s easy for you to say, Neil. How many people do you sleep with in a week? How many of their names do you even remember? But it’s not like that for me; it’s never been like that.” The guilty feeling washed over me, and I felt deeply disconcerted. I could no longer recognize myself. The old me would never have just slept with some guy like that, not even while drunk.

I felt like crying, but I didn’t want to appear weak in front of Neil. On top of that, my head was spinning, and I felt a distinct burning sensation between my legs with every step I took. The bottom of my abdomen ached, as did my hips. Muscles I hadn’t even known I had before were sore.

The worst part, however, was seeing the evidence of my virginity on the mattress. My innocence, which I had guarded so carefully only to throw it away without a second thought. That was a real blow to my heart, one that took my breath away and made me feel sick. I stood there motionless with a blank look on my face, and even Neil didn’t have the guts to say anything to me.

“I’m so disappointed in myself. This wasn’t how I wanted it to happen.” I continued looking at the red stain and Neil frowned, not realizing what Iwas talking about. Once again, he followed the direction of my stare, and from the surprised look on his face, I guessed that he hadn’t noticed, and I hadn’t told him. Of course, I’d never talked about it with anyone before, why would I have started with him? I felt his fiery honey gaze turn to me, but I was too ashamed to meet his eyes. I bowed my head so I wouldn’t have to see pity on his face.

“I would never have figured that you were…” He left this horrified sentence hanging in mid-air and got out of the bed, rubbing a hand over his face in disbelief.

“Yeah…”

There was no need to say anything else. He was the first man I had ever been with. I died a little inside at the idea of him laughing at me, bragging to his friends about deflowering Selene, the sad virgin who had come all the way from Detroit to fix her relationship with her daddy.

“I’m not going to say anything. It’ll be our secret. You have my word.” He moved in front of me, and he smelled so good it was almost stunning. I lifted my face and was further amazed by his extremely sincere expression. Still, the thing that worried me the most wasn’t my secret that was no longer a secret, but…

“Jared.” I swayed dizzily and Neil stabilized me. I rested my forehead on the warmth of his chest and closed my eyes. He put his hands on my hips and then, in a completely unexpected move, he pulled me close into a comforting embrace. Somehow, it only made the whole thing worse. I was a collection of indecipherable feelings, all screaming and demanding to be free, but I just wanted to erase every one of them. To forget all of this and start thinking of Neil as something wrong and deleterious in every way.

Neil took my shoulders and shook me.

“Look at me,” he demanded, and I raised my chin, distraught. “I am so sorry. Genuinely. I didn’t want you to lose your virginity that way either but there’s nothing we can do about it now. If one of us had been sober, we could have dealt with the situation, but…” He searched my face for any reaction, but I turned away again so I wouldn’t see his pity. It would have been easy for him to tell me to leave then. I would have been just one more of many: forgotten.

But instead he was… He was being… I pushed him away and grasped the sheet, turning my back to him.

“I have to shower,” I said simply. “I’ll wash your sheet and give it back to you when it’s clean.” I continued, sounding like an automaton, “I hope you can get rid of that stain.”

I opened the door, and after making sure no one was around, I went out into the hallway. I quickly darted into my room and locked the door behind me. Then I slumped down on the floor and started sobbing, hugging my knees to my chest.

I had made an unfixable mistake. I would have to accept it, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I spent God knows how long curled up on the floor there wallowing in a river of despair, but that wasn’t the right attitude. I had to come back from this somehow.

I swiped my wet cheeks with the backs of my hands and got to my feet. I was exhausted, like I’d just run for miles. My heart was pounding, and my head was throbbing. A part of me was still hoping that this was all just a dream or, rather, a nightmare. But I knew that wasn’t the case.

I trudged to the bathroom and allowed the sheet to slip down. I felt weak, my legs ached. There was a different smell on my skin—a smell that didn’t belong to me. I observed myself carefully in the mirror. People said that, after your first time, something changes, and you became a woman. But all I saw was the same girl I’d always been, only with more guilt.