Page 13 of Last Call (Open Tab #5)

Chapter Two

Apologizing wasn’t difficult for Fallon. That didn’t mean it wasn’t uncomfortable. She took a deep breath and stepped into the living room. Riley was still on the sofa, reading a book, a glass of wine beside her.

“Hi.”

Riley looked up and smiled.

“I’m sorry,” Fallon said, taking a seat beside Riley.

“I know.”

“I don’t know why I reacted that way, Riley.”

Riley set the book aside and sighed. “No?”

“I just…”

“Fallon, you want our baby to be part of you,” Riley said. “I understand.”

“No. That isn’t it.”

Riley raised a skeptical brow.

“Sure,” Fallon said. “When I thought about having kids, I assumed Dean would be part of the process. And yes, I guess there’s part of me that hoped we’d share a part of me .”

“I know.”

“It’s a little bit like what you said about Owen,” Fallon offered. “About feeling like an outsider. I love Owen more than anything. You know that.”

“I do. I sense a but coming.”

“He is mine in here,” Fallon said, pointing to her heart. “But he’s also Rob’s. He’s a product of the life you shared with Rob, Riley. I will always want to honor that for you both.”

Riley smiled.

“And sometimes, I feel a little guilty.”

“Guilty about what?” Riley asked.

“That I think of him as mine. That I wish he’d always been mine.”

“Fallon.” Riley sighed and took Fallon’s hand.

“That’s because you love him so much. He loves you.

He doesn’t remember his father, babe. I love you for your determination to keep Rob’s memory alive for Owen.

Not everyone would feel that way. And Owen deserves to know about his father, who he was, and how much Rob loved him.

But Owen isn’t like Emily and Summer. He’ll only ever know his father through the memories of others.

He knows you . He chose you . You’re not an outsider in his life. You’re his mom.”

Fallon choked back her tears. “I know that. I do know. That doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty sometimes.

And before you say anything more, the way I feel should have helped me understand what you were trying to tell me.

If anyone should understand, it should be me.

I thought about it a lot on the drive home. ”

“Where did you go?” Riley wondered.

“I went to Mom’s,” Fallon answered. “I think the biggest reason I wanted Dean to be our donor was to keep him close to me.”

Riley grinned.

“You knew that, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t know ,” Riley said. “I suspected. You love Dean. I know the distance between you has been hard.”

“It’s still hard for me to trust him. I want to,” Fallon said.

“I know that, too.”

“I am sorry.”

“We need to take our time with this,” Riley said.

Fallon swallowed hard and looked down.

“Time, Fallon. I want us to be confident about our decision, both of us.”

“You know who you’d like to be our donor, don’t you?”

“I’m open to possibilities,” Riley replied. “We have close friends who’ve offered to help us. We don’t have to accept any of their offers. We can choose an anonymous donor.”

“Is that what you want?”

“It isn’t about me ,” Riley said. “It’s about what we decide is best for our family—for all of us.

That means Owen and any children we add to the equation.

And that’s why I’m uncomfortable with Dean’s offer.

It isn’t about me. I know you. You worry that if we don’t start now, it will slip away—we’ll slip away. ”

“That’s not true.”

“No?” Riley challenged Fallon.

“No,” Fallon said. “That might have been true in the past. I’m not worried that we’ll fall apart. That’s not why I wanted to build the new house, and it isn’t the reason I want to start working on expanding our family.”

“Go on.”

“It is about Owen and any child we add. I love Dean, but the six years between us sometimes felt like six decades. I wouldn’t want Owen to be more than six years older than his sibling—not if we can help it.

He’ll be four in a few months. Dave and Becky are expecting their baby in the summer.

Marge is due any minute. We both know Carol and Charlie are hoping they’ll be next.

Beth has Hope. I love the idea that our kids can grow up together. ”

“I understand,” Riley said. “And I agree.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do. I also know that can’t be a reason to rush. Just listen. If Carol had her way, she’d already be a mom. Sometimes, it takes time. And it may take us some time, no matter what we decide or when we start.”

“Then why do you want to wait?”

“I asked you to listen,” Riley said.

“I’m sorry.”

“This is one choice I don’t want to make under pressure—any pressure. I want this to be a happy time for us—something we both look forward to pursuing.”

“I hear you,” Fallon replied. “You told me when we first talked about this that it wasn’t too soon for you.”

“The idea of having a baby with you doesn’t feel too soon,” Riley said. “But we aren’t conceiving the old-fashioned way. There are lifelong implications to the choice we make about how to grow our family.”

“Understood.”

“But?” Riley asked.

“No buts. I don’t want to use an anonymous donor,” Fallon said.

“No matter how much our children love us, I think our kids will have questions one day. I want to be able to tell them who helped bring them into our lives. But I also agree, I don’t want that person to play the role of a third parent.

As much as I love Dale, I don’t think I’d feel right accepting his offer. ”

“I can understand that.”

“And Pete? Well, I don’t know, Riley. Pete is great. I think it would be hard for him to watch a baby grow up knowing it was his. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yes. I do.”

Fallon took a deep breath. “Jacob told me that as much as he loves kids, he doesn’t see himself as a father.”

“But you think he’s likely to change his mind,” Riley guessed.

“Actually, I don’t.”

“But something holds you back where Jacob is concerned.”

“Riley, he’s Andi’s son. It’s a little weird for me. I’ve known Jacob since he was a baby. I taught him to ski and helped him with homework.”

“You think of him as a kid, not a man,” Riley said.

“Yes.”

“I think I can understand that. You should talk to Andi,” Riley said. “And Jacob.”

“What about you? Other than Dean, you haven’t told me how you feel about any of this.”

“I don’t have the lifelong relationships with any of our friends and family that you do. So, for me, the questions are different. I’d be comfortable accepting Dale’s, Pete’s, or Jacob’s help. If I’m completely honest, I would love to have that connection to Andi and Jacob.”

Fallon nodded.

“But I also understand that it carries a lot of emotions for you,” Riley added.

What would be the point in denying Riley’s observation?

It was true. Fallon had been in love with Andi once, more deeply than she’d ever admitted to anyone, even Riley.

There had been times when she allowed herself the fleeting fantasy that Andi would leave Jake and they could build a life together.

“Fallon?”

Fallon offered Riley a lopsided grin. Nothing she could say would surprise Riley. “It does carry emotion for me,” Fallon confessed. “There was a time when I thought—no, I hoped Andi might leave Jake.”

Riley smiled. “I know you did.”

“Maybe the issue for me is guilt.”

“Guilt?” Riley asked.

“Yeah. Not about me and Andi. She’s still my best friend, Riley, in a different way than Billie.”

“Or Carol. Or Dale. Or Pete,” Riley added, smiling. “Fallon, you have many best friends. They play different roles in your life. But I also know that Andi is the person you trust the most.”

“You’re the person I trust most.”

“Aside from me,” Riley said. “You’re lucky. Not everyone can maintain a relationship with someone they were in love with.”

Fallon sighed.

“You and Andi were best friends before you became lovers. You never faltered in that friendship. I envy you both for that. And I’m also grateful.”

“Grateful?”

“Of course. I miss my mom,” Riley confessed. “But having Andi in my life has filled so many holes. I can tell my mother anything. I don’t tell her everything . It’s funny when I think about it.”

“What’s funny?”

“Well, my family comes from a city. Mary loves to remind me how much bigger my life was on the West Coast.” Riley chuckled.

“It wasn’t bigger at all. I had friends.

I had my parents, Mary, and Rob. When I think about it, few of my friendships have endured.

My life was smaller living there. That’s partly because that’s how my family functioned.

My house wasn’t a place to bring your friends.

There was always too much tension. And people didn’t stay.

I can’t count how many of my friends moved away.

Their parents accepted jobs in a different city or state, and our friendship came to an end. ”

Fallon listened intently, noting the subtle changes in Riley’s expression as she spoke.

“I married Rob right after college,” Riley said.

“Most of my friends were focusing on their careers, travel, and exploring the world. I was looking at houses and talking about babies. I don’t regret my choice, but it made my circle shrink.

People faded away. I don’t think it was out of judgment.

They couldn’t relate to my life any longer.

It happens. The funny part is that Rob and I both wanted to travel.

He hoped to open his own business in a few years.

I wanted to publish a novel. We wanted to have our children while we were young.

We wanted them to see us working towards our goals.

And we also wanted to be young enough to enjoy our freedom when they flew the proverbial nest,” Riley explained.

She giggled. “We were so focused on what we wanted to create, we didn’t always take the time to sit in the moment.

If you’d asked me then, I would have told you that we had big dreams and open minds. In hindsight, we were a little myopic.”

“I can’t imagine that’s true,” Fallon said.