Page 40 of Kyle (Gold Team #3)

Still groggy with sleep, it took me a moment to get my bearings.

My head was resting on a warm hard wall of muscle, not the lumpy pillow I’d used the last few nights.

Kyle.

I was home. We both were. Safe and sound.

I relaxed into him and my hand moved over his heart. Feeling his strong, steady heartbeat grounded me, kept the demons at bay.

“Mornin’, sweetheart.”

He sounded wide awake.

“Did I have a nightmare?” I asked.

“Nope. You didn’t move a muscle.”

“Then why are you so awake?”

Kyle stiffened before he eased the tension out of his body and covered my hand with his.

“No reason. Just lying here.”

That was bullshit.

“Tell me, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing— ”

“Kyle, please don’t lie to me. We haven’t talked about your mission. Did everything go okay?”

“As well as it could go.”

Okay, that was a little cryptic, but he didn’t sound like he was upset about that. And I knew the rest of the team had all made it back to Maryland and there were no injuries. So I figured he was telling me the truth even if he wasn’t giving it to me straight.

“Then what’s keeping you awake, honey?”

Kyle remained silent as his thumb rubbed over the back of my hand still over his heart.

“Please talk to me.”

Still nothing.

“I was scared,” I admitted. “After what happened with Monica, I was scared you’d be mad. Or maybe not mad but I didn’t know if you’d be able to get over what I’d done.”

“What you did was save Emerson’s life.”

“I know. But at the time, I wasn’t thinking straight. I was scared and I didn’t want you to look at me like I’d done something wrong.”

Sometime during the drive some of the guilt and shame had lessened.

I’d been protecting my friend and if it hadn’t been me who’d pulled her off, it would’ve been Jeremy.

And he’d flat out said, he’d had no intention of showing her mercy.

Either way, Monica had signed her own death warrant the second she’d touched Emerson.

Of course I wished it hadn’t been me who’d done it, but I’d choose Emmy any day of the week. Therefore, I had to let it go. The alternative would’ve meant I’d stood by and watched my friend get strangled and that was not an option.

“It pisses me right the fuck off you had to do it, but I’m happy you did. We all are, Thad more than the rest.”

“In a way I guess it’s good everything happened so fast, there wasn’t enough time to freak out or panic. There was no time to think, not from the time Jeremy told us to get into the bedroom to the moment we crashed. If there had been, I don’t think things would’ve ended as well as they did.”

“Wouldn’t have mattered. You and Emerson are smart. You both kept control—”

“There’s a lesson in all of this,” I cut him off.

“More than, life’s short and I have to stop living with regrets.

More than me understanding with great clarity where I want my life to go.

But I also learned I’m stronger than I thought I was.

Even if everything that happened didn’t end with me right now in your arms, I wouldn’t have stopped fighting to get back to you.

I know that now, I know I have more fight in me, I know I’m strong even if I was scared.

And I knew, you would’ve never stopped looking.

So in a way, that was freeing. No matter what happened—if Harry’s men had caught up to us—you would’ve found us. ”

“Damn right I would’ve.”

The vehemence in his declaration made me smile.

“Please don’t be mad at Zane.”

“Anaya—”

“No, listen. He had no way of knowing. You had no way of knowing. None of us did.”

“We damn well knew we didn’t have enough information on the woman. The suggestion never should’ve been made to send you and Emerson in.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Baby me.”

“That is not me babying you. That’s me loving you and protecting you.

Something I promised to do. Something I told myself after you were taken in Timor-Leste I’d never stop doing.

And what did I do? I fucking ignored my gut again .

Swear to Christ that will never, I mean never , happen again.

It might make me sound like a bossy prick but if I feel like a situation is too dangerous, the answer is no. Just no. No discussion. No agreement.”

“You can’t do that, Kyle,” I whispered.

“Straight up I can and I will.” My eyes drifted closed, not liking where this conversation was headed.

“Wanna know what I was thinking about while I was in Canada?” I nodded my head against his chest. “I was thinking something wasn’t right.

I could feel it. Not in my gut, not in an abstract way.

Down to my soul I knew something was wrong.

It wasn’t the same nag I get while on an operation before shit goes sideways.

It was a bone-deep ache. My chest physically hurt.

Then when Zane called to inform us that you and Emerson were on the run with fucking Landry tied up in the back seat, I had never been so scared in my life.

“Not even when you were texting me that you thought there was something wrong with your driver. Not when I knew your kidnapping was imminent. Not when Dec and I were searching and then had to fucking wait until that boat crossed into Australian water. At the time, I’d thought that was the most scared I’d ever been.

And maybe until yesterday it had been. But knowing the woman I loved was breathing the same air as Landry had me terrified.

Thinking about how that came to be, I was even more so.

Knowing that if one thing went wrong, you’d be lost to me forever.

And I’m not saying I wouldn’t have found you, but what I would’ve found would not have been you.

Not this you. Not the woman who I’ve watched heal, who’s opened up, who’s funny and smiles, the woman I love more than anything else in this world.

The things…fuck…I can’t. I can’t even think about it. ”

“Then don’t think about them.”

“I don’t think you get it. When you were kidnapped, I knew we had a connection. I could feel it. It was burrowing in. I knew I’d give my life to get you back. But now I’m drowning in it. I’m in so deep with you, I can’t breathe without you. If something—”

“But it didn’t. I’m here. I’m safe. And in the end, you made that so.”

“If we’d been—”

“But you weren’t. You were there. But now you can’t baby me.”

“Did you pay attention, Anaya? There is no me and you. There’s only an us. I will not stand for you ever being in danger.”

This was going to be an issue and somewhere in the back of my mind I was wondering if I should let it go for now. Emotions were high, the situation still raw. But I couldn’t. I knew he’d crush me if he treated me like I was incapable of being his equal.

“Yes, Kyle, I paid attention. And you have to know I feel the same. And I love that you want to protect me, but you can’t suffocate me and keep me locked away because you think there’s danger everywhere.”

“You think I’d do that to you?”

He started to sit up and I gave him all my weight to keep him where he was.

“Honestly? Right now, I don’t know. We’re both scared. Yesterday was super shitty and I’m just afraid—”

“Super shitty?” he barked. “Yesterday I thought my life was over.”

I froze.

“I failed you. Again. Don’t you get that? But never fucking again.”

“Okay,” I whispered. “I get it.”

His body sagged and he turned his face away from me.

“I am so damn sorry, sweetheart.”

“I get how you’re feeling. But there’s nothing for you to be sorry for. You didn’t do— ”

“I did.”

“We’re not doing this!” I screeched. “If I was one of your teammates you wouldn’t be saying sorry. You wouldn’t be taking this on.”

“But—”

“No buts. You can’t treat me like I’m helpless.”

I barely got out the word helpless before I was flipped to my back and Kyle was looming over me looking pissed.

“The last damn thing you are is helpless. You are so fucking strong you amaze me. The last thing you are is weak, and I would never treat you like you are.”

“I’m fearless,” I told him.

“Yeah, baby, you are.”

“And it’s because of you. You taught me to be that. You gave me that. Please don’t take it away now.”

His eyes went soft and his features gentled.

No other words were spoken, he lowered his lips to mine and in a single kiss he conveyed everything he needed to say.

Finally.

Last night he hadn’t kissed me. Not like this. Not with passion and fervor. Not like I was the air he breathed.

But he was now.

And it was great. It was everything I needed it to be.

His lips left mine but they traveled to my neck and his hands roamed.

Yes.

About time.

I needed this.