Page 10 of Kyle (Gold Team #3)

“Yeah. He apologized and explained.”

Kyle’s forehead creased and his shock couldn’t be missed. “Good.”

“Does that surprise you?”

“Yeah, Declan is a vault of secrets. He doesn’t share and he rarely apologizes. Glad he did though. You didn’t need the shit he shoveled at you earlier.”

Again, Kyle looked like he wanted to say more but he stopped himself.

I wished he would’ve told me what he was thinking but I wouldn’t ask.

And he was right, I didn’t deserve Declan’s attitude.

But now that I understood why Declan had acted like he had a pole shoved up his ass I couldn’t blame him.

People dealt with their emotions in all sorts of ways.

Declan’s response was to lash out when he couldn’t deal with his, mine was to wall myself off as soon as I started to feel something .

Neither were necessarily right, or healthy, but you had to do what you had to do to keep the demons at bay.

Declan had indeed hotwired a car, and to my surprise the junker made it across the city. Now, the thing starting again to get us home was up for debate.

Declan had already entered the building, leaving Kyle and me near the entrance I was going to use when there was movement on the pathway.

Before I understood what was happening, Kyle had me pressed up against the building, his big body concealing mine. My insides seized and desperation had edged out the fear. Desperation that was so fierce I couldn’t push it back but neither could I make my legs work to flee.

I was paralyzed.

“Breathe, Anaya,” he whispered.

I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath, but when I exhaled my lungs burned.

“That’s it,” he cajoled. “Just relax. I’m not going to hurt you.”

I was beyond comprehending his words. We were connected from hip to chest. But his hands were flat against the brick exterior. I was trapped. There was nowhere to go—not that I could get my muscles to work to fight him off.

“You’re safe, Anaya. I need you to breathe or you’re going to pass out. I’m not going to hurt you.”

He was still whispering, his head was lowered and his mouth was close to my ear. So close I could feel his minty breath on my skin. Too close.

I tried to exhale again but panic started to bubble up. Kyle had me boxed in and I hadn’t been ready for it.

“Look at me,” he snapped .

I couldn’t move. I was completely frozen. Shit, I was doing exactly what I’d told Declan I wouldn’t do.

One of Kyle’s hands moved under my chin and gently lifted my face, forcing me to meet his stare.

And what I saw wasn’t making it any easier to breathe.

There was so much concern and understanding now I wanted to run away for different reasons.

He knew. There was no missing what a freak I was.

We couldn’t pretend this away like we’d done on the plane.

I couldn’t change the subject and steer us to something more comfortable.

My crazy had slapped him in the face and no amount of him being nice about the situation would ever make him forget.

“It’s almost over. Just look at me. I’m not going to hurt you.”

His hazel eyes were full of sincerity but there was a hint of menace that lurked in the shadows. The sincerity hurt my heart. He was trying his best to calm me down, and damn if that wasn’t embarrassing. I was thirty-two and he was treating me like I was five. My humiliation knew no bounds.

I heard feet shuffling and a man mumbled something in Tetum about it being a disgrace to have sex in public.

Kyle’s body shifted, keeping me out of sight from the passersby, and my muscles ached from straining.

I was putting in an ungodly amount of effort not to fight to get away but even more not to pull him closer.

Which was the most ridiculous thought, ever.

I was freaked out and scared, yet I wanted to feel more of Kyle, and considering he was already pressed against me was even more asinine. I’d lost my mind. Total crazy person.

“Almost, Anaya. You’re doing good. Just keep looking at me.”

Doing good? I was on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack. If Kyle hadn’t been talking to me, I would’ve given in. If it’d been Declan who had me against a wall, I would’ve freaked out.

Finally, he started to pull back. But he was still pressing his hips into mine to keep me steady and I was grateful for the support, but I missed the warmth of his chest against mine.

See? Totally bat shit crazy. My legs felt like jelly and my head was still swimming with fear and something else I couldn’t put my finger on and never wanted to.

I didn’t want to think about how in the middle of an anxiety attack I was thinking about how I liked Kyle’s big strong body pressed against mine.

Because if I thought about why that was, and how it was possible I was feeling that, I’d realize I needed to be committed to the looney bin.

And I liked my freedom even if it meant the population at large had no idea they were consorting with a psycho when I was around.

I felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, and he pulled it out and answered without breaking eye contact.

“Yeah?” Kyle paused then spoke again. “Give us five minutes and I’ll send her up.” Another pause. “We need a minute, someone walked by. As soon as I know we’re clear she’ll be up.”

He pocketed his phone and I wanted to thank him for not telling Declan about my coming apart. It was bad enough Kyle had witnessed what happened.

“Take your time, Anaya. Just breathe, sweetheart. No one’s gonna hurt you.”

Sweetheart?

Then the craziness continued as I remained focused on his eyes, and in the low light the full moon provided, I memorized the dark green circle that highlighted the lighter green in the middle of his irises.

His pupils were dilated, and I wondered how different his eyes would look if I could see more of their color .

My breathing started to even out and I felt steadier on my legs. But no less confused.

“Thank you,” I murmured.

“I’m so damn sorry I scared you. I didn’t have time to think, I just reacted. I would never hurt you.”

“I know.” And weirdly I did know Kyle wouldn’t intentionally scare me. “I’m sorry I’m a basket case.”

“Don’t do that, Anaya. I took you by surprise and closed in on you. Of course you’d have that reaction. You barely know me and I’m twice your size.”

I nodded, not wanting to explain that if it had been anyone else who’d done that to me, I would’ve come unglued and survival mode would’ve kicked in.

I would’ve blown the whole operation. But more than that, I didn’t want him to move away from me.

I wanted to feel his breath on my neck again, how good his body had felt against mine, how feeling that was so much better than him holding my hand.

And I really didn’t want to even think about why that was.

Since I’d never tell him any of that, instead I mumbled, “I’m okay now.”

“Don’t rush yourself. We have time.”

He was back to being Mr. Nice Guy and I didn’t know if I was grateful or if I wanted to scream at him.

“Really, I’m okay. Can we keep this little episode to ourselves?”

“I need to tell Declan, to be careful.” I started to look away, but Kyle reached out, his warm hand going to my jaw, his thumb brushing my cheek.

So feather light I wanted to tilt my face to feel more of him.

He’d meant to stop me, to keep my attention focused on him.

And he accomplished what he’d set out to do, only he had my attention in a whole other way.

“I wouldn’t tell him,” he continued, “if it wasn’t a matter of safety. And I think you can imagine, Dec of all people will understand. I know you two didn’t get off on the right foot, but he’s a good guy. He won’t judge you and he certainly would never hurt you.”

Damn. He was right. About everything. Intellectually, I knew Declan would never hurt me, but if he touched me the way Kyle had, there was no telling how I’d react.

Declan was not Kyle, there was no connection, there were no crazy fantasies, no wild thoughts about wanting to be close to him.

But for the safety of the mission, Declan had to know even if I didn’t want him to.

“It’s embarrassing,” I told him. “I’m a grown woman who can’t be touched—”

“Stop. That’s not true. I held your hand on the plane and I’m touching you now. You’re a woman who doesn’t like to be startled and manhandled. I think that’s pretty normal.”

He was being kind again, but we didn’t have enough time for me to explain all the ways I was screwed up.

After a minute he asked, “You’ll be okay if I step away?”

Knowing this was going to be my one and only chance to feel him this close, I wanted to tell him no.

I wanted to savor this, memorize it, so I could remember it for the rest of my life.

I never wanted to forget what it felt like to have Kyle’s hand on my face, his eyes on mine, his hips pressed deep against mine, the intimacy of our position.

But now that the threat had passed and my anxiety had waned, he probably wanted to get as far away from me as he could and I couldn’t blame him.

“Yeah.”

He slowly stepped back, but his hand traveled down my arm and I memorized that, too. He clasped our hands together and he gave mine a squeeze.

“I’m serious, Anaya, you did great.”

He was lying, I hadn’t. But I gave him a nod, our moment over. Or should I say mine, since it was one-sided. He walked me to the door and opened it. We stepped inside the stairwell and he gestured for me to go up.

“I’ll see you in a few minutes,” he told me.

I stiffened my back, gathered my wits, and climbed the stairs.

“Come on, Anaya, you’re stronger than this,” I muttered to myself as I rounded the second floor .

I had to pull myself together before I screwed everything up and those girls were left to a life of misery.