Page 35 of Knot Her Cowboys (Big Sky Omegas #2)

O ut under the sun and sky, I could convince myself I hadn’t just ruined everything forever. What was I thinking? I’d basically built a fucking shrine to Riley and then I’d shown her .

What rational person did that?

Certainly not me.

I’d seen the looks over the years, the curious glances and worried frowns from my packmates each time I disappeared in there or added something new.

Cash had never been surprised by it. He’d helped me steal a bunch of Riley’s stuff from Darlene’s so the miserable hag couldn’t burn it all the second Riley left.

Maybe she didn’t even care about those things, but I cared.

Her childhood hadn’t been a safe or happy one, but I knew those small pieces had brought her comfort once.

It didn’t seem right for Darlene to decide their fate.

Some of the photos she’d given me herself, convinced the airline was going to lose her luggage and the photos would be gone forever. Did she still have the ones she took with her or had those ended up in the trash after she’d met her fiancés?

Ranger munched on grass while I sat on the ground at the overlook. He never went far, and if he bolted, the walk home would just give me more time to think. He always came back when it was time for his nightly treats.

A figure on horseback galloped over the fields, a cloud of dust pluming behind them. Cash had finally chased me down.

I waited in silence for him to arrive, not turning as he dropped off his horse and sat down next to me, reins in his hand. “How bad is it?”

“It’s not,” Cash assured me. “She didn’t seem freaked out at all. And she gave me this to give to you, said to go through the drafts folder.”

I took the folded paper, opening it to see Riley’s old email and the password beneath it. “CoopyCash11? We’re her password?”

“Sure looks like it.” When I didn’t respond immediately, Cash nudged my shoulder. “You’re going to have to come back if you want to snoop those emails.”

“Why does she want me to?”

Cash shrugged. “Said it was her version of the bottom dresser drawers.”

The air in my lungs froze. “ What ?”

Those dressers were full of all the letters I had written to Riley over the years and couldn’t send. I’d never once considered she might’ve done something similar.

“I didn’t look before coming to get you. If you want answers, you have to go find them.”

I whistled sharply, fingers between my lips, and Ranger came trotting over.

“I take it this means we’re going back right now?” Cash asked with a laugh. “Is Ranger cool with going back early or do you want to take Betsy Boo? I brought a halter for Ranger just in case I had to walk him.”

“I brought my rope for him in case he was excessively unruly. You want to go back to the stable for an apple?” I asked Ranger.

He looked at me shrewdly. I’d made the offer enough times that he knew exactly what I meant.

I curled my fingers in his mane, preparing to hop on, but waiting for him to signal if he wasn’t ready yet.

When none came, I leapt onto his back. “He should be good. If not, I’ll get off and run. Go on ahead.”

Cash nodded, getting himself onto Betsy Boo again, the sweet buckskin Quarter Horse already spinning back down the trail ahead of us. Ranger liked to be in the lead, so as long as Cash kept in front, Ranger would follow like it was a race.

We made the trip from the lookout to the ranch in record time and I was jittering with nervous energy by the time we arrived. It took every ounce of willpower to make sure Ranger got his apple reward before letting Cash handle the brush-down so I could get to the community building and Internet.

A computer was set up for guests and it was blessedly unused at the moment. I crashed into the seat and pulled up the site for the email she used to use, logging in and going straight to the draft folder.

1,356 drafted emails awaited me.

With shaking hands I scrolled through them, noting that while they got sparser as the years went on, she had still been thinking about me.

Should I start with the oldest or newest?

I opted for oldest.

Subject: I HATE HER

I didn’t think it was possible to hate Darlene more than I already did. I don’t know how she did it, but I know you weren’t the one who wrote that email. How am I supposed to send anything if she’s in there reading it? I can’t even warn you.

Fuck.

What should I do? I can’t call the ranch and Cash’s parents haven’t figured out how to clear their voicemail. Wouldn’t even matter if you had a cell when there’s no service at the ranch. One of your brothers would probably find it and break it just to piss you off.

A bunch of frustrated key smashes followed.

Why does she have to ruin everything? Can’t I have ANYTHING from home? Why can’t she let me keep you?

I hate her.

I love you, though. I don’t know what to do.

A quick hunt through her inbox revealed the email in question. It came from my account, but the cadence was all wrong, not to mention the fact that I would never fucking tell Riley she needed to come home for Darlene. Her mother could’ve been on her deathbed and I wouldn’t have made a fucking peep.

I sat there with ice heavy in my chest, scrolling through the emails I had continued to send even when getting no reply. Then I flipped over to the draft folder, finding the ones with matching dates. She’d responded to every single one; she just hadn’t sent them.

Goddamnit, Darlene.

That woman hadn’t succeeded in keeping Riley in Montana under her thumb, so she had ripped apart her connections to home instead.

I kept scrolling.

About three months into the silence, I found one that made my blood run hot with fury.

I gave in and tried to phone the ranch. Surprise surprise, but you weren’t the one that answered. Jeff told me I was a little city bitch now and to fuck off. I can only assume he’s not going to pass along my message.

I tried to phone Cash’s parents again. Voicemail full. Of course.

I got an email from Cash, except it wasn’t from him.

I guess Darlene gave up on trying to use you to order me home and switched over to him.

That’s exactly what I was afraid of from the start.

I got an email from Morgan too, from a brand-new account, also ordering me home.

I know Morgan is as stubborn as you, but she wouldn’t talk to me the way she did in that email.

Things must be going well with the guy Darlene was sleeping with when I left.

His kid was a fucking tech wizard and definitely hacked people to get his jollies. Maybe he’s already in here too.

I flipped back to her inbox, finding the emails in question.

The language in each was so similar to the fake one sent from my account. Did Darlene think that would actually work? Maybe her only goal had been to make Riley afraid to contact us.

It had worked.

She couldn’t share her exact address, any phone numbers, or plans without risking Darlene getting her hands on that information.

I scrolled further, skimming more of the drafts.

Subject: I met someone

I feel guilty even writing this. I’m so lonely, Cooper.

A sweet alpha in my business class asked me out and I said yes.

His name is Bryan Reed. I can’t say that I think you’d like him because he’s definitely a city boy, but he’s nice to me and seems interested in my life.

We got assigned to a group project together so it wasn’t like I was seeking him out.

I haven’t made friends out here like I thought I would.

Darlene made me so twitchy I don’t know how to respond to a lot of things.

I’ve been making so much use of the free counseling on campus they’re probably sick of me.

I’m trying to heal, to be better. I don’t know if going out with someone that’s not you is a step toward that or not.

They told me that holding on this tight to someone I haven’t even talked to for years isn’t healthy. I don’t know if they’re right.

Bryan is taking me to dinner tonight. I told him I didn’t have anything to wear to the place he was planning for so he bought me an outfit and paid for me to get my hair done at a salon near campus.

I’ve never experienced money like that before.

I know you’re not going to read this, but I hope you wouldn’t think that’s the reason I said yes to him.

I still love you and you never had a penny to your name.

I’d pick you in a heartbeat over him, and that feels so mean to say.

He doesn’t deserve that. I should try, right?

I don’t want to move on. I left too much of my heart in Montana, but thinking about going back sends me into a panic spiral. Maybe three years is long enough and I should start trying to make New York home.

I’m sorry.

I love you so much.

I swallowed hard and wiped the tears off my cheeks before I continued scrolling.

She’d written to me about everything: the arrival of Bruce on the scene, presenting as an omega, her graduation, moving in with Bruce and Bryan, her impending trip to Tuscany and its cancellation.

The emails had spaced out more in the middle years and picked up again once the topic of Berlin came up.

Am I the worst person ever? I want to see you as much as I don’t want to.

Once upon a time I’d have been absolutely certain you weren’t capable of hating me, but I’m not that confident anymore.

You have every right to hate me. I know that, but at the same time I’m so fucking terrified that you actually do.

I’m going to come back. I feel disloyal to Bruce and Bryan even typing this. Hell, that hasn’t changed. I’ve written way too many of these over the years. They’d be upset if they knew. I built a life with them and I still think about the what ifs.

What if I hadn’t left?

What if you’d come with me?

What if Darlene hadn’t made me afraid to reach out or come home?

I’m not stupid. I know I wouldn’t have given Bryan or Bruce the time of day if you’d been around. It’s kind of fucked up of me to say that. You’re on a pedestal in my head and you haven’t been around to do anything to get yourself knocked off it.

It’s weird being in love with a ghost.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love Bruce and Bryan, but it was never the same as with you. It was never as easy.

You always cradled my broken pieces. They would prefer I don’t have them, and I’ve tried to pretend that’s the case.

Bryan used to be sweeter, and if he had stayed that way, maybe I could’ve loved him the way I loved you.

I see how he gets caught between Bruce’s expectations and my personal reality.

Bruce sets a high bar both of us struggle to reach.

Their families put pressure on them and then they put pressure on me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever actually meet the expectations set, and honestly I’m getting tired of trying. I feel like an imposter everyday.

Germany could be a new start. I haven’t connected yet with Oskar and Karl, but I’m trying to make Bruce happy, to give this potential pack a chance. The harder it is, the more I think about you. I hate myself a little bit each time it happens. I don’t deserve any of you.

I miss home. Maybe it’s just the idea of home, but I miss it anyway.

I’m not going to try to find you when I’m there.

I won’t try to find anyone. I don’t think I’m strong enough to face the people I left behind.

I’m probably just torturing myself, but I already booked the flight.

Turning thirty in Montana feels like closing a chapter I’ve held on to for too long.

This indulgence will probably do more damage than anything else.

I’m doing it anyway.

I wish I could stop loving you. Everyone deserves more from me than I can give them.

With a few deep breaths to calm myself, I logged out and sprinted back to the big house. Riley was visible in the window, still upstairs in the room I made for her.

We stared at each other for a long moment before I broke the spell to run inside.

Riley was mine. She’d never stopped being mine, and if she needed to run again, we were all going together, because I for damn sure wasn’t going to let her go a second time.