Page 49 of Kayla's List
“I don’t owe you shit! Anderson, walk me out, please.” I leave an angry Warren at the table as I begin to walk toward the hostess stand so that I can pay my bill.
As we walk away, I see my waitress and flag her down. I tell her that I need to settle my bill, but before I can hand over my card, Anderson hands her his card and tells her we’ll be at the bar.
“Kayla, what the fuck?” Anderson questions when we’re alone by the bar. His face is still a mask of rage, and I’m not sure why. My newfound resolution to stand up for myself is dwindling fast.
“W-what do you mean?” I stutter out. I have no idea why he’s so upset with me.
“What do you mean, what do I mean?” Anderson runs his hand through his hair. “You had a damned panic attack the last time we were here, and now you’re on a date with your ex after you told me some bullshit story.”
“That’s not what happened. You heard me tell Warren it was over,” I explain in confusion.
“You could’ve told him that over the fucking phone. You didn’t have to meet him, and you didn’t have to lie to me, Kay.”
“Anderson, that’s not what happened! I was here by my—”
“Kay, I trusted you. I love you. Shit! I can’t believe you did this.” Anderson interrupts my explanation. But the longer he rants, the more pissed off I become.
If he loves me, then he would know that I wouldn’t lie to him. He would let me explain without jumping to conclusions. He would have faith in me.
“You’ve made up your mind about this already. So, you have a nice life, Anderson.” It’s my turn to interrupt him. I turn and leave the restaurant. I deserve more than this from him. I deserve more, period. I refuse to be a doormat any longer.
#21. Stop being a pushover.
* * *
It’s beena week since I left Anderson at Three Forks, and I have been miserable ever since. Nobody said standing up for yourself was easy, but I didn’t think it would be this hard. I can see why Anderson was upset, I would be angry too if I saw what looked like him eating dinner with another woman, but I would’ve at least let him explain.
In these past few months, I have made so many strides at becoming a better me. I’ve even begun to see a therapist. I know losing my parents at such an early age contributed to me having issues that I didn’t want to admit to until now, but seeing Dr. Peters is helping me.
Making my list jump started my self-discovery journey, but seeing a therapist is helping my self-care journey. And a major part of taking care of yourself is being aware of toxicity. I was depending too much on Anderson and my relationship. It was so new, and I fell so hard and fast that I was willing to fall back into my old habits.
So, every time I feel the need to breakdown and call him, I remind myself that I wasn’t at fault for our argument. Anderson hasn’t even tried to contact me since that night, so I guess his love was conditional anyway. Anderson trusted me as long as I was with him physically. But as soon as I was out of his sight, he accused me of cheating without a second thought.
“How could he?” I ask myself the question out loud for what seems like the millionth time.
“How could who what?” I hear my co-worker, Wendy, ask from behind me.
“Oh, nothing. Sorry, just talking to myself,” I reply with a small smile as I continue to fix my coffee. I ventured out of my office to the breakroom after I ran out of my stash of Colombian blend.
I’ve been sleeping like poo, and this new program keeps developing bugs. I’ve been living off coffee and prayer since my break-up.
“Are you okay, Kayla? You seem a little out of it this week,” Wendy says with a furrowed brow. Her brown eyes hold a concerned light, and I smile at her genuineness.
“It’s just been a long week; after this coffee, I should be good. Promise.” I smile again, and she nods before I head out of the breakroom and back to my office.
Wendy and I have gotten closer since the new project started. We are two of the only women on our team, and we both have to deal with Ken, so we’ve bonded.
When I make it back to my office, I begin to work feverishly. I want to get my part of the software download finished, so that I won’t have to work on Saturday. I have plans to go to the event that Shelby’s company did the marketing for. It is one of her biggest clients to date, and I want to be there to support her.
I even have a day of pampering planned so that I can be relaxed and in a better mood. I don’t want to be in a sour mood, and I don’t want the girls to know that I’m two seconds from falling apart over another man in such a short time.So, I keep the break-up to myself for now.
I feel embarrassed that I let myself get into this situation. I never considered myself the romantic type, but then I seem to fall for men who gave me the attention I told myself I never wanted. Maybe that isn’t romance. Perhaps it’s something else. Whatever it is, I don’t like it.
It took me twenty-nine years to become who I am, and I know it will take more than a few months to become someone better, but oh how I wish to wake up and just… be better.
The lessons that I am learning suck. I now understand that these are things that I need to know, and I know that these lessons are necessary, but they suck nonetheless.
The ringing of my office phone takes me out of my zone, and I huff as I answer it, “Kayla Jones,” I answer curtly. At times like these, I wish I had an assistant. I need someone to filter my calls while I’m deep into programming.