Page 31 of Kayla's List

Emani has been acting weird this entire trip, and although she says she supports me, I can see the disapproval on her face. It bothers me that at a time when I need her, she’s too busy judging me.

I’m not perfect, and neither is she. We are human. I am big enough to admit that I was in a bad place when I made this list. I was grieving the loss of my relationship and what I wanted my future to be. I made my list because I felt like I was missing out on life.

I have been waiting for someone to love me since my parents died in that car. I’ve been waiting since they never showed up to pick me up from the afterschool program when I was eight years old.

I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being invisible. I am tired of feeling guilty because I want to be proud of the way I look. It is not vain to want to look nice.

“I am not vain!” I say to my reflection with conviction.

“Who said you were vain?” Emani asks from the doorway.

She has a frown on her light brown face, and her eyes look sad. I honestly wish she would just tell me what’s going on.

“Nobody,” I mumble.

“What are you wearing to this strip club?” Emani asks with a roll of her eyes.

I smirk at her. It wasn’t my first choice to go tonight, but it was on my list. And I added it myself. Ever since watching that show at thePynk, I’ve been curious about what it would be like in a strip club.

“Why are you acting like I’m going to be one of the dancers?” I question with a chuckle. “You don’t have to go if you’re not comfortable, Mani. I know you think the list is stupid.”

Emani sighs. “I don’t think your list is stupid, Kay. And I’ll go with you guys. I’m sure it will be entertaining.”

I nod, but I don’t call her on her negativity. Stupid is exactly what she said my list was, but maybe it is dumb to her. I don’t care because it’smylist.

“Well, all I have to say is we are going to have a good time. If you aren’t up for it, then don’t come.”

“If you don’t want me to go, then I’ll stay here!” Emani is offended, but like I said… I don’t care.

“I didn’t say I didn’t want you to go. I said we’re going to be having a good time. If you’re going to be aDebbie Downer, then stay here. You’ve had an attitude all weekend and you certainly did call my list dumb. I am trying to get over Warren and I have the right to do that. However, I see fit. You don’t have to agree or even participate, but you also don’t have to be negative or stand in my way.”

“Is that really how you feel, Kay? You think I’m standing in your way?” Emani asks in a small, hurt voice.

I am trying my best to stand firm. I crumble to everyone’s will with a snap of their fingers. I can’t continue to do that. I have to be strong. It’s okay to tell people how I feel. It’s okay to be direct and honest. Sometimes, feelings get hurt.I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

“No,” I lie and instantly feel ashamed of myself. I crumbled like a saltine cracker without water.

Emani studies me for a minute, and I can’t tell what she’s thinking. But before she says anything else, Shelby comes bounding into the room.

“Hey, ya’ll! Whatcha in here gossiping about? Did you get to feel Andy’s garden snake?” Shelby bounces her eyebrows up and down, and I shake my head.

“You were with me the entire time.” I say exasperated.

“I wasn’t watching ya’ll. Hell, I was watching Derrick with his sexy chocolate ass.”

“Who is Derrick?” Emani and I ask in unison and then giggle at each other.

“The bouncer with the pretty ass teeth and muscles. Ya’ll saw how fine that brotha was.” We nod because Derrickwasfine, and he did have a pretty smile. “Anyway, did you cop a feel or what?”

“No, I didn’t cop a feel of Anderson’sthingin public, Shelby,” I roll my eyes and huff.

“Thing? Kay, you’re a grown woman. You can say dick.” Shelby shakes her head in mock disappointment. I scowl at her, but I don’t comment.

My list does not include me being crude. I try not to cuss like a sailor. Mrs. Singleton did make us attend church when I was in her foster home. It always embarrassed me to swear anyway. Foul language coming from a black woman makes us seem angry. At least that’s what I’ve always been told.

“I don’t want to say that, Shell. Anyway, no.”

“Well, public sex was on the list,” Emani pipes up.